#lostitall

Hello yet again my fellow few followers! Welcome back to the cyber world that is my blog! This week I have been having trouble deciding on what song I want to decipher. Because of this week’s turn of events, there have been two songs that I feel relate to me. But as I am typing this, I still can’t decide on whether I want to do both songs or just one. So, if you actually are reading this and you actually care, maybe you’ll end up seeing two songs because I’m just winging it now.

This week I lost a very important person in my life… for the millionth time. This person will go unnamed. No, this person is not dead. Do I wish they were? That’s a very hard question to answer because I know that if they died, there would be absolutely no hope that things will get better between us in the future. Even though now the chance of that is little to none, it is still better than nothing. So this week, the song I will be doing is Lost It All by Birdy. I feel as if it defines my situation very well.

Give a little time to me

Give a little trust and you'd see

Give a little peace of mind

You never know what you might find

To me, this verse is asking the person to be a bit more open-minded with them.  So that way they could see the real her. This is a good description of how I still think towards the person I lost. You see, this situation is very different. I cannot simply exclude this person from my life without excess baggage. This person was supposed to watch me grow up, and love me. But no.. you can’t always get what you want, can you?

Oh, if this is what dreams are made of

Then I think that I've seen enough

Oh, I've given you all of my love

But it's still not enough

This person that I lost is someone who I really love, or loved. I gave them everything. He was my father for Pete's sake. He is my father? I don’t know anymore. As you all can see, I’m very distressed at the moment. I apologize for writing about something so personal on my blog but then again, who even reads these posts anyways?

Anyways, obviously the fact that I love him dearly and told him multiple times about his wrongdoings and he hasn’t changed a bit is enough proof that he doesn’t care anymore.

You told me that you light my way

You're clever with the words you say, yeah

Let me out into the dark

I took a little step too far

I really like this verse because it portrays the level of trust she had into whomever she is talking about along with the results of trusting too much. I understand the pain coming from this as in from a boyfriend-girlfriend, husband-wife perspective but from a father-daughter relationship, it stings much more. I mean, why wouldn’t a child rely on their parent? Is that not how it is supposed to be?

Another reason why I like this is because of the second line. Some people are just plain manipulative with their words. They lead you to believe in things that will eventually hurt you. Maybe they don’t mean to do it?  

Oh, if this is what dreams are made of

Then I think that I've seen enough

Oh, I've given you all of my love

But it's still not enough

Oh, it hurts (lost control)

Oh, it hurts (lost it all)

It’s really the worst pain in the world. So much so that it has made me sensitive to everything; to the world.

It hurts sometimes, sometimes

If this is what dreams are made of

Then I think that I've seen enough

Oh, I've given you all of my love

But it's still not enough

A bitter heart

You let me down

But you'll never lose

What you'll never found

I guess you could say that he’s just a bitter person who doesn’t know how to love. I guess you could say that I need to get a better hold of myself. I guess you could say that I should get over it. But you know what? I guess you could say I never lost anything. Because I guess I never had anything to lose.

All this has made me question myself. If my own father doesn’t even want me, who else would? Are people better off without me? Sometimes I think that. Like, I always imagine the type of person I should be versus the type of person  I am. Sometimes I think that my friends, the people  I love, should be with someone different than me. Sometimes I wonder if they think that too...

They say it’s a grieving process. And that it’ll be over soon. But soon isn’t fast enough. And I can’t wait for the day that I’m finally past this. Despite this depressing post, I know that things will get better; that I will get better. Never lose hope, my dudes. Peace out! (: