#lost cloud

You only find out about the things which are not important to you when they are gone and you don't feel like it matters. I used to think that this is liberating; a relief when I find that I am not sad to have lost something. But now the thought of being immune to loss gnaws me, it makes me afraid. I am terrified that one day I would become just a host of thoughts bouncing around inside an empty husk. Every once in a while I would have to mentally shake myself and listen for the tell-tale rattle, just to make sure there is still something in there holding everything together. I'd rather my mind race around like a frantic puppy chasing its own tail than feeling the sense of apathetic blankness at the realization of my losses. I fear it so much that I don't even admit it to myself when the things which I had once held dear had ceased to matter. As a result I am one of those people who collects memories and lang syne like a magpie hoards shiny objects. I am adamant that if I were to lose my baggage, for even a split second, I would lose my anchor in this world. I would fade and float away into oblivion; like a lost cloud.