#losingandgaining

"Sometimes I cry because in the process of gaining you, I gave up a version of me, and though I wouldn’t change that even if I could, sometimes I miss me desperately. " - by Anne Reneau of www.scarymommy.com

I came across that phrase and it sure did hit home for me. This is one of the few things that most new moms experience as a confusing feeling. Yes, having a baby or child is anything but a grand feeling. It’s a blessing! Every new mom should feel grateful for the ability to cradle a child in her arms. BUT… here is one secret, that any new mom feels but can’t quite accept, the fact that she misses a part of her old self, the chapter of what she was before the baby arrived.

The first time I had that feeling, I felt like a crazy lunatic. How in the world can I miss my old life????? I have a miracle of love in my arms! How can I think of spa and massages, of books and coffee, nails and eyebrows, dinner with friends and impromptu dates???? I felt like one bad mom for even just the thought of those things.

As I come to terms with having these feelings at times, I contemplate on the things that I have both lost and gained in motherhood.

There were a couple of times that I miss having impromptu dates with Jef and dinner dates with friends, but losing this meant gaining a quiet dinner at home with all three of us at the table enjoying quality time over a simple meal. This also means witnessing the joy in Matteo’s eyes as he explores his journey into discovering the different tastes and texture of food. This moment also gained me seeing pure joy in my husband’s eye as he look with pride and awe at our son. For this, I have come to terms with scheduled dates and one month booking upon availability with friends. Oh! And I gained two boys to date me too!! =)

One thing about me is I love going to spa, having massages, having my nails done, having almost everything done. It was my relaxation then. But these “me time” requires long hours that I can’t afford. Losing long “me time” gained me a longer time with Matt, seeing him smile and play, seeing him practicing each and everyday his new milestone, seeing him getting excited whenever I go home and having him throw his arms towards me urging to be cradled and cuddled. I’m pretty anyway, (ano daw?! #DreamOnGirl) so who needs spa when I have the toothless smile to help me relax. #InstantGlow

Reading books over a cup of tea/coffee is also one of my favorite past times before. It gives me a relaxing feeling getting engrossed in a good story and imagining how it all unravels. Most of my energy and efforts nowadays are zapped out by taking care of my child. I no longer have the energy to stay up all night coddled in a comforter with a book at hand. Losing this past time, gained me the time to comfort and sing a lullaby to my son as he goes to sleep, it gained me the space beside him, being his pillow at night, being his security blanket to let him know that all is well and mommy will be there always. Who needs books, when I have my own little prince charming by my side and writing my own life story anyway? I will enjoy seeing how we write our family life journey each day.