#lordguideme

Hmm. At this moment, I feel like something is wrong. I really can’t put my finger on it, but I can tell that there’s something wrong with me. Throughout my experiences, I’ve always wanted something more; never satisfied with my surroundings, I never get too comfortable in life. Understand when I say “ never get comfortable ” I mean, the time that we are on this Earth, it’s always room to improve. It could be anything like ; appearance, or knowledge, the way we perceive things, anything.

Now, I am at the point in my life, I’ve been giving a chance to improve; I am very grateful as well. But a part of me is holding back, like I’m scared. What can I possibly be scared of? I don’t understand myself sometimes. I’ve fought for something for so long, and now that I’ve been giving the chance, am I taking the steps necessary to proceed? Should my steps be more wider, more bold full, more confident, more dynamo, more of a risk-taker? Yes, that’s exactly it. Why am I playing it safe? Why am I just getting by? What’s gotten into me now that I am more mellow. Now I am not saying mellow is a bad thing, but for me I believe so; I don’t believe I am as eager as I was 2 years ago. Is it because my surrounding is more stable than before. That could be it, but how can I get it back? I know, nobody don’t determine your future, only you do. You have to want something bad enough to achieve your goals. But that’s exactly it, I want this! I need this! I see so much potential in myself that I can’t dare to let myself down, besides there’s way too many people to prove wrong! I need to be a fighter again! I need to fight for myself more harder, I need to love myself more! Why is this depression consuming me? Is it the devil working? On my left shoulder whispering in my ear telling me how much of a failure I am. Saying it’s to late, I should give up. I am only 23 years old, why do I feel like my life is over? I do not understand! I pray every night, “ Lord guide me in the right direction.” But wait, is the Lord testing my faith? Yes, I have so many questions, sounds so simple but yet so complicated.

Maybe I have low self esteem, I am not ashamed to say it neither. Many people go through this problem.

Maybe I’m just the type of person who needs help, a bigger support group who is fighting with me, cause I don’t like to fight alone. I’ve fought for many years alone.