i dont think it's the fact that i need a guy in my life right now. 

i think it's more of a personal thing. i dont know. im not quite sure.. i was talking to jenna. and it made me feel a little better. im trying to be something my parents want me to be. not what i wanna be. the whole religious/academic thing i do wanna be

but not as intense.

i just wanna talk out of my butt sometimes. thats all

to get it off my chest. 

get me? good. okay, anywho

i remember when everything was perfect for such a long time, 

well, actually

not really a long time

for a short period of time, but ive realized that

life is like sex. 

you keep going and going til you get to the climax. and it only lasts for like 2 seconds. and then it goes back to like nothing ever happened

hehe. 

 anywho. people try and try and strive to do the best they can in the quickest way possible. and once they get what they want

it's gone. the feeling. the lust. the sensation. gone.. til you do it again. another time. people try so hard to be happy that they don't realize that instead of hurting yourself or others. you can be happy.

life is such a walking paradox. 

dang. lifes annoying.

except you cant get pregnant. well. 

life cant. girls can.lets strain away from this sex parallel

i think im just trying to get back to happiness while trying to dodge what i did before. 

but i know what i have to do. im just avoiding i. why do i try to be the best. i suck at things. i know i do but why do i keep trying i dont wanna be a perfectionist i dont wanna be number one i dont wanna be a smart i wanna be dumb wait no that came out wrong i wanna be  normal 

i wanna be 

careless and make mistakes. smooth. everything flows. kinda. but you get me. whhyy di have to plan everything. sigh. do me a favor and like this if you either agree or am still reading this. you're a great therapist, why am i asian is my question. lmfao

and i dont REALLY wanna be like jenna. 

like i like being organized. but

i dont wanna be too organized to the point whereim uptight 

May 17th to May 29th, 2010.

The flowers were starting to die. It's not like we had a place for all of them to be maintained, or the energy to tend to them either. Beautiful, yet brief. 

June was a month of cycling through the memories and experiences from years past and those that were freshly imprinted. I had seen very little of Kevin since he joined the forces (with the exception of holidays and leave) and I was finally reaching the age where age wasn't a important between siblings anymore. Not that it had been an issue in the past, but it was now two adults, not two teenagers separated by five and a half years.

At this point, I can say that I was definitely in shock. I was not mentally grasping the reality of what had happened and I just floated around, void of direction. You sit there with your hands turned out and a blank stare on your face, waiting for someone to tap your shoulder and tell you to wake up. Everything slows down and speeds up at the same time to the point where you lose all temporal sense. I don't know if that is normal and I don't care.

From the beginning, I promised myself that no matter how upset or painful the process would be, that I wouldn't intentionally exclude myself from any part of the experience. I wanted everything I could get and I don't know if it did more harm than good or if I even had that in mind in the first place. Either way, I do not regret the choices I have made. The funeral was closed-casket, but Mom, Dad and I were given the opportunity to see him beforehand. I had never done anything close to this before and I was nervous. I felt the stiffness of his body resist my grip. My heart pounded in my ears as I reached to put a note in his chest pocket. I couldn't hear or see anything. My only sensation was the grit of his desert fatigues between my fingers, and at that point I knew this was going to haunt me.

That day wasn't easy, but at the same time I had no choice. I had already made up my mind and I was sticking to it. Afterwards, I felt like the hard part was over and that I could begin to heal. Little did I know, this wound was now infected with qualitative perceptions and would never fully mend. 

Each day brought a new experience and impact on our process as a family and as individuals. However, we would soon run out of events, ceremonies and unveilings, and our ability to remember Kevin was confined to what we had in ourselves. 

Much like the overflow of flowers, we were over saturated and there wasn't much left to retain. We had our moment and needed to turn the page. Easier said than done.

Though colour can distract the eye, black and white was often viewed as representing the ‘line’ which according to Cezanne is a truly man made concept. With Monochrome we choose to view the world without colours distraction to view the structures etc of the content of the image, or to photograph in colour and percieve a better understanding of our lived experience. That colour purportedly distracts from the ‘more important elements’ of the image is entirely subjective.