Good day everyone. 

You may or may not notice how quiet and inactive I've been lately - when I promised I would give regular updates about my renewed determination to practise art and learn to animate successfully. In the beginning, when I first started this new challenge, I was pumped up, and full of energy to start it. I made a promise that I would never give up no matter what, and always focus on getting better. And in the first 5-6 days, I did keep a level head and kept on going, with a clear goal at the end of it. But, over a relatively short time, -by day 5 I think- I became exhausted and couldn't carry on anymore. My own brain kept feeding and replaying bad memories over and over again, which left me feeling weak and spiritually broken. Eventually, I just burned out and collapsed. That was weeks ago now. Something I didn't expect to see again has returned suddenly, and with a vengeance. 

The past two weeks have been nothing short of hell for me. Realistically speaking, there is nothing wrong with me. I didn't have a rough or traumatic childhood. I haven't lost anyone close to me. I didn't break up with a long term girlfriend (never even had one to begin with). And yet, for some reasons which I feel are too complicated and awkward for me to discuss here, I've been feeling overwhelmingly cynical and bleak, like there is absolutely no point to me being alive. I feel like I have no future. And my brain is stuck in the past and I can't pull it out of there. 

 I remember feeling like this back when I was in Canada, and 3 years before that. It is strange. I don't think I have any legitimate reason to be depressed. There are so many people around the world who have really suffered terrible losses and come from real, hard and trying life circumstances. I know people who were sexually abused when they were children. I know someone who suffers from Schizophrenia, and regularly experiences headaches after being involved in an incident that gave them serious injuries in their childhood. I don't have either of those. I'm living with my family again - my Mum and Dad, and my family all love me and think the world of me. I recently started a new joj as a host and food busser for this new fancy restaurant in the town near where I live. And when people ask me what I'm feeling, I always tell them I'm fine. So everything should be okay. I'm doing all the things I ought to. I'm not old. I'm not ill. But for some reason, I'm just so sick and tired. Of virtually everything. 

I'm beginning to feel increasingly distant from my own life situation, like I'm on some kind of autopilot. Everything feels almost illusory and surreal. In a way, I wish I had some kind of real illness, like Coronavirus, or Cancer, with visible, manifest symptoms that everyone would notice. At least then there would be some kind of treatment for it. The past few days, my bedroom has slowly turned into a prison. I've become so lethargic, I haven't had breakfast in weeks. I've spent virtually entire days in my bed, and my dressing gown. I haven't even had the energy to take my dog for a walk. He is always sitting outside my bedroom door wagging his tail waiting for me to take care of him. I haven't spoken with my old school friends, or my extended family in ages, and I fear I'll never have the courage to break the mould and talk to them. And my bedroom is increasingly full of useless things that used to amuse me many years ago, but are now collecting dust. My piano is basically an ornament now - I haven't touched it in a very long time. My guitar's strings have long rusted and I haven't changed them in 7 years. I retrieved an old TV from the attic and hooked it to this laptop so I could use it as a second monitor to help with studying references while attempting digital art. But I've never even switched it on in months. My studio mic and audio interface - I suspect one or maybe both of them may be broken, but I can't even be bothered to investigate which - it just doesn't matter anymore. There are old songs from years ago that are half-finished that I wanted to finish and put on Soundcloud/maybe even Youtube, but music doesn't bring me enough joy anymore. Nothing does. 

You know–it's funny. My Gundham Tanaka video I released a year ago is becoming far more popular than I ever anticipated it would. I keep receiving new messages from newcomers telling me: 'My depression is cured' or 'this just made me feel so much better', etc etc. It's gratifying for me to hear people say things like that. But it's beginning to get a little tiring, all the same. It's a message that's just so out of tune with what I'm feeling.I just feel like a walking, rotting corpse. Even Kaede isn't making me feel happy anymore. Instead, I just feel lonely, and miss her. Speaking of which, a few weeks ago, I watched a video by Weebynewz about her execution, and I've discovered new information about it that I didn't notice before, which has made me feel a hundred times more uncomfortable. Now I feel quite sick, and even seeing the thumbnail for her execution video is enough to ruin my mood and break any focus and concentration I once had. 

I am lucky that I have online freerfs who I converse with regularly and who are always asking me if I'm okay. I'm grateful that they are there to make my daily experience marginally less shit. But these days, I rarely ever talk to them. I only respond now. I haven't got the energy to make small talk, or follow up on new developments or catch up with new memes. I know they're always looking out for me, but they are never going to get me out of this. The best they can do is stand well away from the event horizon and wait for me to force myself out of it.  

Fortunately though, for those of you who are worried about me, it's not completely bad. I have started taking medication again. You see, for a long time, I mistakenly believed you weren't supposed to take antidepressants while driving/learning to drive because they make you experience tiredness as a side-effect. Recently though, I learned that that's not technically true. You can take meds while you are driving, but the idea is that you are not supposed to drive if you feel tired, or your senses are impaired. In addition, I am looking to see if I can visit a counsellor and start having sessions. I'm kind of desperate for good news and a hope of recovery at the moment, but I guess it's still better than nothing. 

No matter what happens, I know this isn't really me. It's certainly a large part of me, but it's not all there is to my character. And frankly, I'm sick and tired of this, and I want it to stop. I want to keep entertaining all of you with silly videos. And maybe one day, I'd like to do a Q+A video/face+voice reveal, unprivate my old videos I made a decade ago, and introduce all of you to my real self. Then when that happens, I can finally move on, transcend my love of the Danganronpa franchise, and try something new. I'm not sure what that would entail. But it might be something that incorporates my love of music, anime, visual novels, and possibly writing/voice acting. 

Until that day finally comes, I'm going to remain stuck in this rut for who-knows-how-long. I won't know when the day will come, but I like to think I'll be fully aware when it has, since I'll feel totally different and refreshed. The only way I can come to terms with this long, dreary spell of melancholy is if it exists to serve some kind of purpose. And if this experience is to mean anything, then ultimately, my purpose is finally one day break free from it and discover a secret 'purpose' or 'why', or perhaps unlock a hidden potential I never knew I had all along. When that happens, then I can make my return and move on. Then my story could pick up from where I last left it. Or perhaps I can rewrite it altogether. 

I wish you all very well and sincerely hope NOBODY else in the world feels like this, 

Where to begin.

Well I had to make several calls today. Got a dentist appointment, which is good. Found out I can't see my old gynecologist anymore, which SUCKED. She doesn't take my insurance, apparently. B( (There is another office that she is affiliated with that DOES accept my insurance, which is good, I guess, but it still means another person that I've lost.)

I was so upset over the whole thing that I ended up driving to Starbucks in a freaking thunderstorm (which popped out of nowhere btw) and crying over my latte. Like, visibly. As I'm trying to write in my journal and work through some stuff.

Then something else happened.

The guy across the way came over to me with a latte (another chai) and offered it to me, saying, "I hope you don't think I'm a creep, but you looked like you could use another one."

It was nice. I almost cried all over him this time because of all the emotions I was experiencing. I was grateful but embarrassed to be seen like that, but touched, but aiiieeee ALL the EMOTIONS EVER. X_x

He said he hoped he'd be able to catch me on a good day, and I gave him my number. He introduced himself as Joseph.

Of course, on the way home I kicked myself for that. DUH. I never give people my number when I first meet them. I have never let a guy buy me a drink in my entire LIFE (unless we were already dating).

And of course, I began that thing where you question whether a guy is being really nice or if he's one of those people who preys on vulnerable women and eats their feelings. And then of course there is the total embarrassment of being seen as a total hot mess and having THAT be someone's first impression of you. (I mean, the amount of snot I was producing was unreal. Nobody looks attractive when they cry, it's just a rule.) He kissed my hand when I left though. Normally that sort of thing would make me melt (yeah I'm corny like that LOL) but this time I was like "UM KTHNXBAI".

So yeah. I don't even know what I'll do if or when he calls. X_0 Then again he did claim to be empathic. Heh. Maybe he'll be able to explain my feelings to me. I sure don't get what they're doing today. (I mean, besides going completely fucking haywire.)

When I left, I went to the drugstore for the second time to pick up my new prescriptions for my insurance plan. Except there was a problem. AGAIN. Apparently, I have to call the insurance customer service to figure it out. ARGLEBLARGH.)

So by the time I got home I was pretty much an emotional kaleidoscope (no, I don't know what that metaphor means either). I tried to tell my mom what happened, and she gave me some good insurance advice. I'm not sure if she even heard me when I told her about the guy.

I told her about the gyno thing, too. She was like "well there are other gynecologists" and I was like "I know but it's ONE MORE THING on top of all the other things" and then I got the usual "WELL I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO TELL YOU MEGAN".

This time I said, "You know what I'd like you to tell me? 'I'm sorry, I know it's hard'." She repeated it, but I have no idea if she meant it or not. B(

A few minutes ago she came upstairs to tell me that if I got a job I wouldn't have to deal with this stuff. Wow Mom, A+ wisdom there, thank you for that amazingly insightful pearl of wisdom. *facepalm* As if I need reminding of that! AS if that's not my freaking GOAL anyway! *headdesk to infinity*

Called the new therapist today to try and schedule something. I hope he gets back to me with good news, because Lord knows I have to talk to someone. I want to talk to my old therapist *whiny kid voice* I'm just really tired of LOSING things and gaining no ground at all and still being expected to function normally.

I feel like I'm losing some of the self-confidence I gained in therapy. I mean I was thinking of dying my hair really blonde. Like that wig I wore as Emma Swan. (Well, ok, not THAT flat a color, but still). Now I've completely lost my nerve.)

and so i was thinking how there were people in my life believing in me, from the very start, encouraging and/or supporting me, even giving me opportunities, and how often i would disappoint them, because i simply couldn't believe in myself in the first place.

i feel sorry to everyone who had faith in me which i'd somehow fail, i guess it's really insulting to these people. it is horrible to give up on yourself when others haven't; gets twice as clear when as a result of such repeated behaviour they finally stop, and that "leave me alone i'm too lazy to do it/i don't really give a shit" (often really partly, or maybe mostly? meaning "your faith in me scares me because i might fail you"). finally, it is insulting to myself.

i hate making empty promises to anyone and even to myself but i know, i should know, that for some moment today my mind was clear, and i thought to myself that i'm really tired of this, i'm sick of giving up, sick of treating myself like this and sabotaging myself constantly, disappointing myself and everyone around, but mostly myself. i don't want this anymore. i'm sick of constantly judging myself too,

and finally

i am sick of being my own enemy.

i need clear goals in my life, and i need to calm the fuck down about everything.

today was nice.

today i got a message that made me cry though it wasn't bad; it was really nice and just full of something really genuine, somehow calming and encouraging and i can't really express how i felt, but it made me feel really thankful, it's really good to know that i still have people who support me, even though they might have no or just a little idea how glad i am that they are around.

i appreciate all of you.

i'll try to appreciate myself.