#lolwcw

Shit be exploding, so you know what time it is.

Yes sir.

Once again we are not given a location this week, which generally means the town is too small-time for the big shots at WCW to even consider giving a shout out to. My research tells me this broadcast comes from the Columbus Civic Centre in Columbus, Georgia.  

As always we are introduced to our first hour announce team, Schiavone and Zbyszko.

Tony is looking quite smart this evening. Larry as expected has a horrific multcoloured abomination on underneath his jacket. It’s basically his gimmick a this point so whatever. 

They talk about how the balance of power has shifted to the nWo and Larry says Giant is “the biggest traitor since Benedict Arnold”, nice ancient reference there, Larry. We get a recap of last week’s awesome show-ending brawl. 

Once they’re done wrapping this up, Goldberg’s music plays. What? I check my file - yes, definitely 9th September 1996. Has Goldberg time travelled back to 1996 and changed history by debuting early?

Well, either that is one hell of a disguise or no, actually Goldberg’s theme music was first used by this Japanese guy called Pat Tanaka. It’s really weird seeing this random fella walk out to Goldberg’s music. The crowd boo mildly - I guess just because he’s Japanese? I don’t remember there being any storyline reason to boo him, anyway. 

Pat’s opponent is... this.

Looks like a mascot from a early/mid-90s video game brought to life. If this is Super Calo then I am curious as to what regular Calo is like. I am unsure as to what makes this version ‘Super’, but maybe we’ll find out in the upcoming match. Mike Tenay joins the announce crew because it is Calo’s debut and Tenay is the only one likely to know anything about him.

Pat Tanaka vs Super Calo

I was kind of hoping Tanaka would start the match with a spear and then jackhammer Calo into oblivion, but no such luck. 

As one would anticipate from a man dressed like a stereotypical kung-fu master in an 80s movie, Tanaka starts the match off with some kicks.

Calo jumps around pointlessly and then gets kicked in the face. Bants.

Tenay tells us Calo’s name and look comes from the “top rap group” in Mexico. He does not name this group. Confusingly wikipedia claims Calo is named after a Mexican rock group with the same name, but his image is meant to convey a rapper. So, just... what? Also what rapper has ever looked like Super Calo? In Mexico is that how rappers dress? 

Well anyway this odd fellow somersaults over the ropes onto Tanaka outside of the ring. 

The screen then cuts to this.

 Then we’re back to the match. OK then. 

Tanaka hits Calo with a powerbomb, which leads to Tony talking about him being “so schooled in the martial arts”. Yes, because we all know that classic martial arts move the powerbomb. Often followed by a leg drop and a scorpion deathlock. 

The ending to this match is beyond ridiculous. 

First, Tanaka puts Calo onto the top turnbuckle.

Neither man seems to know what is meant to happen next, so they awkwardly wrap their arms around each other.

Tanaka then lifts Calo up like he’s going for an inverse piledriver and falls backwards.

Apparently he knocks himself out, gets pinned, and loses.

What an idiot.

Super Calo defeats Pat Tanaka via Pinfall.

Nothing too super about our friend Calo in this one I’m afraid. His victory came largely because Tanaka is a super dunce.

We got some lads in the front row who are big fans of the classic moustache.

They seem quite pleased that Calo emerged victorious.

Just under seven minutes in and we throw back to Mean Gene in the locker room with Rick Steiner. This should be good.

Shirts hanging out of the lockers behind them, as you do. 

Gene asks Rick Steiner about Nick Patrick’s questionable officiating - referring to the incident last week where Luger was disqualified in seconds for basically nothing. Rick says that he had Luger, and Gene saw it. Total bullshit as the match had barely started, and Gene does point that out. 

Luger walks into the frame as we see last week’s replay. Rick is continually going on about how he was going to win, sounding like a mentally challenged three year old. On the other hand this is a guy who also genuinely thinks he’s a dog, so... I should probably be impressed that he is able to form words and put them into a somewhat coherent structure.

Gene says that Steiner is “a little confused” in the understatement of the century, 

Luger tells Rick that he’s “a great tag team wrestler” but he feels like he has the edge in a singles environment. Rick continues to fail to understand basic english and keeps repeating “I can beat you, ask Sting” and then starts calling for Sting.

Gene then ushers Rick away like an unruly child as Luger walks off as well. Gene says that Luger was alluding that Rick “doesn’t have it upstairs”, pointing to his head. Wow, what a dick. Luger didn’t say anything like that. All he implied was that he was a better singles wrestler than Rick. Not sure where Gene has gotten his interpretation from, but my guess is he just wants to stir the pot as usual.

Next it’s nWo announcement time.

Just the usual t-shirt ad with Nash saying “all proceeds go towards the Ric Flair retirement fund”. Joke’s on him, that fund must have accrued some serious cash before it was finally paid out.

We’re back and...

Somebody buy these poor kids some real nWo t-shirts. 

Where did these people come from? Did they decide to stop by Nitro after a corporate dinner or something? 

Are these pilots in the audience as well? Wtf? Why are all these people coming to the show dressed in their work clothes? Is this a common thing in the States?

Oh, hey, guess what - Glacier debuted. I would say “remember all that hype” but if you’ve been reading this sad collection of nostalgic drivel then you will indeed remember the many Glacier adverts that have been on every Nitro broadcast since May or so. We’re now in September and Glacier finally had his first match... on WCW Pro.

Seriously.

WCW Pro is like... Sunday Night Heat or Velocity in WWE terms. It’s below WCW Saturday Night for fuck’s sake.  Tony calls it “one of the most eagerly anticipated debuts ever” - which is why he made his first appearance on WCW FUCKING PRO. Oh WCW, what are you like?

Larry says Glacier will be “a force to be reckoned with”, which, spoiler alert. turns out to be the opposite.

  Oh good, these two walking charisma vacuums.

And these two lumbering idiots. WCW, the best wrestling on the planet. How could WWF in 1996 find no way to entice people away from Pat Tanaka vs Super Calo and The AFC vs the Nasty Boys? Seriously. It isn’t that difficult. 

The AFC do their usual schtick of singing the Canadian national anthem badly and the crowd get angry because ‘Murica fuck yeah and whatever. The Nasty Boys say “fuck this” and attack the AFC after about 10 seconds of this bullshit, getting the match started.

The Amazing French Canadians Vs The Nasty Boys

You don’t care about this match. I don’t care about this match. Let’s just skip to the end.

Knobbs whacks the eyepatch guy with the flag the AFC brought out. Saggs pins for the win. 

The Nasty Boys defeat The Amazing French Canadians via Pinfall.

Mean Gene comes scurrying out to interview the Nastys, for some reason.

Saggs says everybody has been pointing the finger at the Nasty Boys, accusing them of being with the nWo (can’t imagine anybody really cares but OK, sure). Saggs says the Nasty’s are only worried about the tag titles which are in WCW, ergo they aren’t interested in joining the nWo. Does he not realise that faction affiliation is irrelevent as far as challenging for belts is concerned? I mean, Hogan is literally WCW Heavyweight champion at this point in time. 

Knobbs says that the Nasty’s don’t care about the nWo, they’re in WCW and they’re coming for Harlem Heat to take the tag team titles. Short and to the point, which is fine by me, even if the Nasty’s appear to be under the mistaken impression- that joining the nWo would invalidate them from challenging for the tag titles. 

We’re back from a commercial break to find Scott Norton and Sgt Craig Pittman in the ring.

Sgt Craig Pittman Vs Scott Norton

The commentators bill this as a “hold versus hold” match and I’m not sure what this means, as I was under the impression every match is hold versus hold. But whatever. 

After some back and forth Pittman decides that it’s time to ram his head into Norton’s sternum. 

It looks pretty painful and not especially effective, but Pittman enjoys it so much he does it again. 

They head to the outside of the ring. Norton gets whipped against the guardrail, the entirety of which moves upon impact, but then Norton regains control by slamming Pittman’s shoulder into the ring post. 

Norton locks in the armbar but the Sarge will not give up. Long gets onto the ring apron to beg Pittman to give in, but he won’t. WCW, for reasons beyond my understanding, is very careful about protecting Sgt. Craig Pittman. He never gets pushed, as far as I remember, but this man WILL NOT QUIT.

Then... 

Ice Train wanders out wearing this abomination. Seriously - what the fuck? It’s like a demin vest with a backpack built in. It’s something you would expect to see an eight-year old girl in the mid-90s wearing over the top of a t-shirt or something. What clothing brand figured that this design was suitable for huge, beefy dudes? I don’t know, but they clearly have a customer in Ice Train.

Train throws in the towel for Pittman.  

Scott Norton defeats Sgt. Craig Pittman via Forfeit. 

He enters the ring and stares down at Norton, who is looking at Train’s vest top and moobs like “dafuq?”

The two former amigos have a staredown which doesn’t lead anywhere. 

Pepboys Power Pin of the Week is a submission. Go figure.

We head to the locker room where Gene-o is with Ric Flair, Arn Anderson and Lex Luger.

Three of these men are dressed appropriately. The other is Lex Luger.

Apparently Sting is supposed to be a part of this interview as well but is nowhere to be found. Luger assures Flair & Arn that Sting is in the building, but the Horsemen are having none of it and are concerned that Sting doesn’t have his head in the game. Flair starts going crazy and practically flings himself into an alternate dimension with his erratic movements.

Like a jet propeller is being put directly in front of his face.

Anyway eventually these two sad sacks come lumbering in...

Mongo looks like he’s about to explode, whilst Benoit as usual appears barely awake. Mongo yells about not being able to count on Luger and Sting. Luger reiterates that Sting is in the building somewhere, he’s just not around for the interview. The Horsemen do seem overly paranoid here - how hard would it be to track Sting down and talk to him if they are this pissed off? 

Arn says he’s called ahead to Winston, Salem (where Fall Brawl/War Games is being held) to pre-book himself a hospital room as he assumes he’s going to need one. Seems like a somewhat pessimistic thing to do, but is it even possible to pre-book hospital room? Arn is talking like he’s booked a hotel room for the night. Strange lad. He also suggests Hogan uses battery acid to burn out his eyes which... I mean, don’t give the guy ideas, Arn.  

Interview ends with everybody talking over each other and Flair wooing a lot - so, the same as most Horsemen interviews.

People in the crowd are holding these signs which say “nWo - you haven’t seen bad... but it’s coming!” - indeed, Hogan Vs Piper is coming.

We get a recap of this thrilling DDP/Eddie/Chavo storyline which nobody cares about, but why this is recapped is beyond me as the next match has nothing to do with any of those three. 

Instead, out comes “the desparado” himself, Joe Gomez.

Somebody throws a wad of paper at him as he enters. Obviously not a fan.

His opponent is Juventud Guerrera,  who Tony repeatedly refers to as Juventud Guerrero. 

As Juvi enters he runs past these ladies, who appear both baffled and unimpressed with him.

Cold.

Joe Gomez Vs Juventud Guerrera

The match starts off okay, but descends into disaster fairly quickly as Juvi starts trying various lucha things which poor Joe is clearly not comfortable with. First Juvi stands on the apron, jumps onto the ropes as Gomez slowly walks towards him and does this...

It’s clear from this angle alone that there is no way in hell Juvi is going to reach Gomez. In fairness to WCW they switch camera angle just in time to make it look slightly less terrible, although I imagine it was more down to luck than skill. Nonetheless Gomez at least tries to sell the move, falling backwards theatrically.

Weeee! Points for effort if not execution. 

This happens next, and thanks to Uproxx “Best and Worst of WCW Monday Nitro” series (check it out, it’s great) I have a GIF to put into pictures what I would struggle to put into words.

Speaks for itself.

After this Juvi seems to want to go for a hurricanrana from the top turnbuckle but I‘m not sure if they botch this as well or it was the plan, but Juvi ends up backflipping away from the turnbuckle and then catching Gomez with a weak looking dropkick as he jumps towards Juvi.

Juvi just about manages to hit the finishing move...

But even that looks a little bit dodgy. At least Joe just had to lay there for this one. Ref counts to three and mercifully this one is over. Not sure if Gomez or Juvi are to blame for this shitshow, but either way I advise never putting them together again.

Juventud Guerrera defeats Joe Gomez via Pinfall.

For some reason Mean Gene is on the ramp to interview Nick Patrick. Oh good, more of this storyline.

Before they start the interview though, as Juventud walks past Gene and Patrick, Gene says “very good match there on the part of Juventud Guerrera”, then gives Juvi a disdainful look and mutters “guy just kind of... wanders around here”. LOL. Why is Gene throwing shade at poor Juvi? “Guy just wanders around here”, like he’s a lost child or something. I guess Gene is still salty about the interview with Juvi that went wrong a couple of weeks ago, but come on, that was hardly Juvi’s fault. Obvious Gene is still holding a grudge though. 

I don’t think anybody really wants to hear from these two ballbags but here we are anyway. 

Gene is accusing Patrick of making too many controversial calls for it to just be coincidence, whilst Patrick is accusing Gene of being a shit-stirring cock cheese who needs to get a life. Neither are lying but nobody really cares either. What is funny is that Okerlund is very haughty and dismissive of Patrick - until Patrick threatens to take Gene to court - at which point Gene stutters “well I-I hope that doesn’t happen” before saying “thank you very much Nick Patrick, sir, thank you” to Patrick as he walks off. Pathetic. 

Meanwhile Hogan, Hall, Nash and the Giant are outside in the pouring rain putting those nWo flyers with the “you haven’t seen bad... but it’s coming” slogan on random cars. This seems like a total waste of time as by the time the car owners get back to their vehicles the rain would probably have destroyed those flyers anyway.  Do these guys really have nothing better to do? Tony tells us the nWo are “literally” in the parking lot - as opposed to what, being there in spirit?

Ted DiBiase is the smartest of the lot as he 1) has an umbrella and 2) isn’t wasting his time putting up useless flyers in the pouring rain. He’s talking to somebody in the car, and the announcers are shitting themselves as to who it might be, as they tend to do. For all they know DiBiase might just be talking to the driver. 

“HERE’S A STORY OF TWO BROTHERS, RICK AND SCOTT!”

Just Rick tonight. He comes out doing that sad half-bark he does whenever something is troubling him. 

His opponent, of course, is Flexy Lexy.

Rick Steiner Vs Lex Luger

These two are not exactly known as ‘ring generals’ so I am not expecting a classic here. Let’s see, though. Perhaps we will all be pleasantly surprised. 

After various arm drags, headlocks, shoulder blocks, and so on, this happens.

Uh...

Yeah. Rick is basically molesting Luger in the ring and keeps this up for a disturbing amount of time. I guess it’s meant to show his amateur wrestling background but it basically just looks like sexual assault. Rick’s hands are going to places they really should not. 

Hour two begins with the usual fireworks. Bischoff, Heenan and Tenay come in on commentary for the rest of the show. 

Rick hits Luger with a nice powerslam, and Randy Anderson cannot bear to watch the impact. The crowd bark their approval which, personally, I don’t think is helpful. Rick’s clinical lycanthropy is only going to get worse if people bark at him when he does something good. Or bark at him in general, really.

More cuddling. Back away, Rick. Even Randy Anderson is telling him to cut it out at this point.

Luger takes control with a powerslam and signals for the rack. However, before he can attempt his finishing move...

This dicksplash comes running out waving his arms around. Looks like he’s doing the sieg heil there but fairly sure it’s just the timing of the screenshot.

Anyhow, Patrick tells Luger to follow him out the back, yelling something about the nWo beating up Sting.

Considering Patrick’s recent behaviour, Lex, it might not be wise to...

OK. Never mind. Of course Luger goes running after Patrick, abandoning the match entirely and getting himself counted out. 

Everyone looking towards the entrance way like “where’s he going?” 

Rick Steiner defeats Lex Luger via Countout.

We get a shot of DiBiase talking to the mystery man in the limo. Sting’s voice is heard but it is blatantly piped in from some other promo. He says he’s “tired of the DTA stuff, don’t trust anybody”, so I guess he’s not a fan of Stone Cold Steve Austin. DiBiase pretends to talk to the pre-taped Sting voice until Lex shows up.

A guy who is clearly not Sting gets out of the limo and starts beating up Luger whilst Bischoff screams “NO! NO!”

I have the advantage of hindsight and my monitor is probably bigger than most people’s TVs back in 1996... but still, it’s really obviously not Sting. Were people genuinely fooled by this? 

The nWo along with “Sting” beat Luger down and leave him laying in a broken heap in the rain...

It has not been a good night for Luger. First he got yelled at by the Horsemen, then he spent ten minutes getting inappropriately touched by Rick Steiner during their match, then he gets smacked around by the nWo and left on the ground in the pouring rain. Bad times for sure. Although if you’re stupid enough to follow Nick Patrick anywhere... 

Luger does manage to get back up but ends up just kind of wandering around in the rain looking confused whilst the nWo flee, leaving the limos parked outside the building.

These bois are not impressed by what they have just seen. Tenay looks like a dad who is about to grab his belt and put a whippin’ on somebody. Bischoff is indignant. Heenan wears the expression of a man who was just forced to sit through every Raw from 2015. Pure torture. 

Bischoff says he has an update which is literally “we don’t know where [the nWo] are. I’m sorry. I don’t know”. Well thanks for that. Very helpful. 

We get a long recap of last week’s angle including more footage of the amazing all-out brawl that ended the show. Then we get another nWo advert for their t-shirt. 

A bunch of random jobbers are outside with Luger and Rick Steiner milling around the limo yelling out “DIBIASE!” - as if he’ll just pop up and be like “sup bois?” - pointless endeavour. Rick Steiner is the only one smart enough to bring an umbrella outside. Let that one sink in. Luger chucks a bunch of stuff out of one of the limos onto the floor which seems unnecessary. 

Out comes pre-Flock Billy Kidman. The commentators could not care less, just droning on about Sting’s supposed “defection”. 

The other combatant in this contest is Cruiserweight champion Rey Mysterio Jr.

Rey Mysterio Jr Vs Billy Kidman

The announcers spend the entire match in ‘sad voice’, like their dogs have all collectively died. It’s really annoying.

The match spills to the outside very quickly. Rey gets the advantage and rolls Kidman back in. He attempts to jump off the ropes from the apron, but Kidman knows what’s coming and meets Rey with a dropkick to the chest.

Kidman slams Rey in the centre of the ring, runs over to the turnbuckle and leaps off.

Just a two count though. Rey wins the match soon after this by flipping off the ropes onto Kidman.

It looks weak but whatever. This wasn’t anything special.

Rey Mysterio defeats Billy Kidman via Pinfall.

We come back from a commercial and the Dungeon’s of Doom’s “music” is playing, and I put that in inverted commas because it isn’t really music, just a pseudo-creepy OTT villainous laugh accompanied by some kind of chant. Whatever. Normally any sign of the Dungeon is enough to make me want to hang my head in despair, however!

If Meng is involved, it might be somewhat entertaining. Just to note those aren’t two random arms sprouting out of Meng’s shoulders – the Barbarian is behind him.

The announcers are still going on about how tragic Sting’s supposed betrayal is – and Bischoff apologises for “not giving Rey Mysterio the attention he deserves in his match”. I mean, kind of tough to take that apology seriously considering how often this has happened and will continue to happen until Nitro goes out of existence. It is the only time I can recall any commentator in WCW actually apologising for the routine ignoring of the cruiserweights in favour of talking about/complaining about the nWo, though.

These two are the opponents. Yeah, Public Enemy, they definitely deserve that pyro. Sure. Look at them waving their hands in the air like they just don’t care.

By the way, the commentators are still going on about Sting. I wonder if we’ll get another apology for ignoring this match as well? Not that I’d necessarily blame them here.

Some diehard wrestling fans here. I think we saw them previously – seemingly someone in production has taken a liking to these ladies. They look like they got lost on their way to a PTA meeting, but fuck it, might as well enjoy themselves now. Watch out for the dude behind you though, ladies. That smile worries me a little.

The Faces of Fear Vs Public Enemy

We go to a commercial break, and as soon as we come back Bischoff says “I hate to keep repeating this, but apparently Sting has joined forces with the nWo”. Bullshit, if you hated it that much you’d have shut up about it by now. I mean, jeez, we get it.

This contest is just a brawl, as you’d expect. Not exactly a match for the ages, but all of a sudden, randomly…

This dude on the left appears and begins running/skipping around the ring.

The fuck? It’s like Rockstar Spud’s demented uncle or something. 

He briefly chases Jimmy Hart, then just… vanishes? Oh, and by the way, the commentators make no mention of this. They do not acknowledge this at all. Why? Because they’re talking about everything except the match itself. Literally, I’m not kidding, it’s like this match is not happening. It’s like listening to a radio show or a podcast spliced together with unrelated WCW footage.

Wait, what? What’s happening now? The match is ongoing and they just cut to the back. Judging from the faces of these lads you’d think someone died. It’s a sombre scene to say the least – but seriously, why even have the match in the ring? What’s the point? The commentators are acting like it isn’t happening and we cut to an interview as the match is happening. Bischoff doesn’t even note that we’ve cut away from a match in progress, he just says “take it away Gene”, like this is totally normal. Whatever, I guess. It’s not like I’m desperate to see the Faces of Fear versus Public Enemy, but what a bizarre way to structure… everything.

Gene asks Arn to explain what happened in the parking lot earlier. Seemed quite self-explanatory to me and the commentators have not stopped talking about it since it happened, so the viewers really don’t need any extra information.  

Arn says he doesn’t give a shit about Luger losing a friend, or that he’s lost a team mate, he’s just shocked. He brings up Sting’s loyalty to WCW.

They actually move to a split-screen here – I guess someone in the production truck remembered there is actually a match going on. It wouldn’t be fair to deprive the dozens of Faces of Fear/Public Enemy fans the chance to see their favourite grapplers go at it.

Anyway, Arn says he has a sick feeling in his stomach, he’s shocked, and he’s out of words. He’s said quite a few already, though, so not really.

Flair stands there with his arms folded, eyeing the audience like a disappointed father.

Luger says he doesn’t have any answers, and that his “best friend in the whole world” stabbed him in the back. He then says he knows where Sting lives and where he works out, and he’s going to go and find him “right now”. Sounds like Lex is planning to murk Sting. However, he should keep in mind this is a guy who only last week tried to murder somebody by chucking a rock through the window of a limo, then stole a police car. Come to think of it, I’m not sure why Sting isn’t in jail. Regardless, I wouldn’t be chasing after him without a good plan.

Flair screams that he’s “sick of it” and just generally yells about how they’re going to beat up the nWo at War Games (including Sting). Arn says “it’s a fight to the death – yours, not ours”. I suppose that was worth emphasising? Also Arn has a tendency to see these matches as ending in death, even though it never comes close to that.

We return to the Faces of Fear/Public Enemy match. By “we” I mean the audience – the commentators are still talking about War Games. I genuinely don’t think they have said anything about the match – oh, wait a minute, Bischoff does mention the match, finally. Although he says the teams are “literally fighting for their lives” which is not exactly accurate. What is up with these people thinking matches are going to end so tragically?

Anyway, the brawling continues for a while and eventually, somehow, Rocco Rock ends up lying on a table. Barbarian heads for the top turnbuckle.

Guys, I don’t foresee this ending well. Seriously, what is the absolute best result of this? Rocco (who can clearly see Barbarian on the turnbuckle) for some reason lays there and lets Barbarian jump on him. It’ll be brutal for both. Or, Rocco moves and Barbarian crashes through the table. Either way Barbarian doesn’t win in this scenario.

Uh oh. Jimmy Hart is absolutely useless at holding Rocco down, kicked away like an insect as Rocco sits up.

That is a fucking sick bump. It’s funny because Barbarian barely takes any serious bumps at all, on Nitro at least, then he decides to say fuck it and leaps to the concrete through a table because YOLO I guess?

Well anyway he dead. Rocco brings a second table into the ring.

Looks pretty old. Nick Patrick wags his finger in disapproval, but incredibly that isn’t enough to persuade Public Enemy to stop. They lay Meng on the table, then Rocco goes to the top turnbuckle for a moonsault…

He almost misses the table entirely, only catching Meng with his legs. The table is weak enough that it breaks despite the soft contact.

You’d think that would be the spot that ends the match, but no. Meng gets up like nothing happened and starts brawling with Rocco again. Barbarian is also somehow revived and back in the ring fighting with Grunge. This is weird because the outside table spot with Barbarian getting wiped out, and then Meng getting put through the table by Rocco’s moonsault, felt like the end sequence of the match. Now it’s like we’re back at the start again. Keep in mind the match has been going for about 10 minutes now. That’s at least 7 minutes longer than is ideal for these teams, really.

Whilst Rocco and Barbarian are hugging it out in the corner, Meng puts the Tongan Death Grip on Grunge and now this one is over.

No explanation as to what the fuck was going on with that random ginger guy running around the ring earlier by the way. Oh well. During the replay Heenan accidentally calls Meng “Haku” and then goes silent immediately. Oops.

The Faces of Fear defeat Public Enemy via Pinfall.

Suddenly Okerlund appears at ringside, accompanied by the Dungeon of Doom.

Maxx, Jimmy Hart, Big Bubba, Gene, Kevin Sullivan, Hugh Morrus and Konnan. To quote Rufus from Final Fantasy 7 – “what a crew”.

Sullivan is no longer painting his face with those stupid markings, but for some reason is now wearing a white headband. Does he think he’s the Karate Kid now?

He also starts making this derp face - and this isn’t just a screen grab catching an awkward expression momentarily, he’s making this face on purpose.

For some reason we go to Jimmy Hart first, who tells the Giant “it’s the beginning of the end for you, you just don’t know it yet”. I’m sure he’s quaking in his boots.  

Big Bubba then rants about Glacier, talking about him saying he’s coming for “6 or 7 months” and asking if he’s not debuting because he’s afraid. Slight exaggeration on the 6 or 7 months from Bubba, but to be fair it does feel like those vignettes have been running for at least that long. Bubba actually doesn’t seem to be aware that Glacier debuted on WCW Pro, but it’s WCW Pro, so... understandable. Bubba calls the Dungeon of Doom “the masters of intimidation”…

What he means is that Meng is the master of intimidation. The others aren’t exactly adding much to the equation. Maxx is standing off to the side looking distinctly unimpressed by the entire thing.

With that said, bored does seem to be his default expression regardless of what is happening. I imagine he’d have the same expression even if Bubba was in the process of sprouting three heads whilst doing a kossack dance.

After calling Gene “homes”, Konnan calls Sullivan a “hardened veterano”. He then says Sullivan has seen and led gang wars from coast to coast.

Yes, Kevin Sullivan wearing that silly white headband is exactly what I think of when I think of leaders of gang wars. Sullivan’s ‘wut?’ expression here says it all. I’m not sure you can call the Dungeon of Doom/Alliance to End Hulkamania Versus Hogan and Macho Man a “gang war”. I’m not sure two people can even constitute a gang. Also Sullivan may be worried Konnan is unintentionally (?) implicating him in genuine gang wars… which probably isn’t in the Taskmaster’s best interests.

Konnan challenges the nWo to come out and confront the Dungeon, who he calls “the toughest set”. Yeah, sure. The challenge is not accepted, because the nWo are for sure terrified of a “gang” featuring the likes of Maxx, Kevin Sullivan, Big Bubba and Hugh Morrus.

Sullivan says that Savage thinks he’ll owe the Dungeon “a debt” for carrying him out from the ring last week. I doubt it in all honesty – maybe if they’d actually done something to help him before he’d been beaten down and spraypainted. Carrying him out after the fact didn’t really help much.

Anyhow, Sullivan says Savage can repay this fictional debt by first beating John Tenta, because why not I guess, and then by getting rid of the Giant. That doesn’t really seem like a balanced deal. We carry you backstage after you’ve been beaten up, you make it even by beating John Tenta and the Giant. Hmmm.

Time for some nWo propaganda.

Hogan tells us that they “aren’t here for a stinkin’ reason” – directly contradicting Nash and Hall, who had previously made it clear they’d come in specifically to take over WCW. He then randomly says “we’ve got our boss with us” and points to Ted DiBiase, who’s sitting in a chair behind them.

Homely. DiBiase looks like he’s being held prisoner, but whatever. Hogan says DiBiase makes Ted Turner look like a “pauper”. Honestly I could try to recap this whole thing but it’s really just a bunch of random sound bytes ripping on WCW for the most part. They talk about wanting “their own tag team tournament” for some reason. They also want a segment (on Nitro, presumably) where they can “highlight” their talent. What they actually mean is a segment highlighting Hogan, as we’ll discover going forward. Scott Hall says “nWo 4 life” with the hand sign (might be the first instance of this?) and they all end the segment laughing like it was an amazing joke.

I was a satellite dish owner back then – or rather, my parents were - but no WCW PPVs in the UK, sadly. We only got a butchered hour-long version of Nitro on TNT UK during 1996 & 1997. I didn’t find out that I’d been watching an edited version of the show until many years later. At least now I can sit back and relive the glory of the Faces of Fear Vs Public…. eh, maybe TNT UK were doing us a favour after all.

Back with your bois at the announce desk. Tenay once again has that “stern dad” look, whilst Heenan seems to be whimsically remembering something from years gone by. Take a guess as to what Bischoff is talking about?

A)     The upcoming main event

B)     Meltzer being wrong about everything

C)     Blue Chew

D)     Sting’s betrayal

If you’ve been following along thus far, you’ll know the answer. The lad does genuinely hate big Dave though, and loves that Blue Chew. Come to think of it, what is the main event? I can’t even remember. Sting’s supposed betrayal has been hammered into my brain so many fucking times at this point I can barely conceive of any other event occurring at any wrestling show.

Chris Jericho’s music plays, but…

It’s John Tenta? Still got that stupid haircut by the way. Seriously, fish man, you’ve made your point. Get that shaved.

But yeah, I’m confused here. I thought Jericho was coming out. But hold on, that’s Jericho’s second theme, “One Crazed Anarchist”, aka the Pearl Jam ripoff, not the one he’s using at this point in WCW, which I believe is the Journey ripoff. So John Tenta is in fact the OG “One Crazed Anarchist”. For the record, the theme suits Jericho far more than it suits the former Shark.

As he comes out Tenta says “Savage, you’re not putting me down”. You think so, John?

What exactly has that guy in the hat been up to? That is not the look of an innocent person.

Ohhh yeahhh, it’s the Macho Man. The commentators are pretending that the result of the match is in any doubt, which I suppose they have to do.

John “anti-fish” Tenta Vs “Macho Man” Randy Savage

Savage storms to the ring, but that turns out to be a bad idea as Tenta stomps on the Macho Man’s back as he slides in and then clobbers him with a forearm to the back.

Bad strategy, Macho. Tenta’s moobs though… whoa.

That’s an interesting choice of attire for a wrestling event, madam.

Tenta works over Savage in the corner for a bit. Savage then begins to make a comeback, before for some reason attempting to slam Tenta…

Goes about as well as you’d expect. Macho really needs to work on his strategy.

Bischoff actually specifically says here that Heenan accidentally referred to Meng as “Haku” earlier and wants to make it clear Meng now works for WCW and not the WWF. I guess they were really taking this kind of thing seriously due to the lawsuits flying around at this point in history. Funny though, as you hear these kinds of slip-ups all the time. I mean, if TNA or AEW were sued for every time a commentator accidentally used a competitor’s ex-WWE name there would need to be a legal department created specifically just to deal with the fucking volume. At least Heenan didn’t call it “WWF Nitro”.

Tenta hits Macho with a decent looking drop kick – quite impressive considering his weight. Outside of the ring Savage hits Tenta with a steel chair…

He isn’t disqualified because…? He whacks Tenta twice more with a chair. This is not a no-DQ match, but it is WCW, so fuck the rules unless we need them for storyline purposes, right?

Flying elbow drop!

Macho goes up for a second, but then Teddy Long comes to ringside yelling “Macho!” – what could the so-called “godfather” want with Savage? Also where’s my man Ice Train at? Come to think of it, I just remembered what he was wearing earlier… best for him to stay backstage.

Savage still hits the second elbow drop. Long is gesticulating wildly at Savage and yelling something about the nWo. Savage leaps over the top rope with nice agility.

But before we go any further…

Son, I am disappoint. I can’t even say “A for effort” because that is the lowest tier of effort.

Anyway, Savage follows Teddy to the outside of the arena where Teddy announces “YOU GONNA GO ONE-ON-ONE WITH THE UNDERTAKER PLAYA!”

Actually, they run towards a limo.              

The limo drives off as soon as Savage approaches it. What was the point of that?

Flair and Mongo randomly appear as the limo drives away.

There’s another limo there, but only a box of spraypaint inside it. There are a ton of WCW guys out there now – the Horsemen, the Dungeon, Public Enemy, Juvi, Super Calo, Savage… basically everyone who was on TV tonight. They start spraypainting “WCW” on the limo windows… or rather, they try to. Due to the fact it’s been raining and everywhere is wet it ends up just looking like a green smudge. As an aside, if that is in fact not an nWo limo, somebody is going to be in for a surprise.  

For some reason the commentators are all standing up. Tenay is looking more evil every time he’s on camera. It’s like he wants to reach through the camera and strangle each and every viewer.

Seriously though, he is repeatedly making a “pissed-off dad” face.

“Dad, I borrowed your car…”

“Um… and… I got a speeding ticket…”

“And there’s a dent on the front as I kinda sorta knocked over the mailbox…”

Grounded forever.

Anyway, once they all sit back down Heenan goes on a rant about the nWo which concludes with “if we don’t stop them now then they can’t be stopped”. If only you could glimpse into the future and nWo 2000, Bobby.

Oh, by the way, I guess John Tenta won the match against Savage by count out? It wasn’t announced or shown, but Savage jumped out of the ring and never returned, so…

John Tenta defeats “Macho Man” Randy Savage via Countout.

I guess Tenta was right, Savage didn’t put him down after all. Score one for the fish hating weirdo.

Double A suddenly appears on set. Heenan gives Arn his headset. Can’t help but think it’d be better for Anderson to be in the ring with a mic, as the fans in the arena can’t hear any of this… but whatever.

Arn says that the world is “in shock” and “outraged”. The world is probably a bit of a stretch, but OK. Flair turns up as Arn is talking, as do Benoit and Mongo. Arn says that this all began ten years ago with the original Horsemen, and that they paved the way and showed the nWo how to do it. Technically true. Arn says the nWo want to be the Horsemen “when they grow up”.

Tenay continuing to give that evil stare, even at Arn. Bischoff looks kind of sad.

As an aside, I may have mentioned it before, but I really like this shirt design:

Bischoff begins talking about making mistakes, but Flair interrupts him. Flair screams so loudly that the headset seems to take some damage as the volume decreases slightly. Flair explains War Games – although if you don’t know what it is by this point then what have you been doing with your life? – and says Hogan won’t leave War Games alive. Spoiler alert: he does.

Bischoff then talks about how maybe bringing Hogan in to WCW was “a mistake” and that the Horsemen “haven’t been given their just due”. The same exact sentence could have been said in 2000 and been even more relevant.

Are you ready? I am. After last week’s debacle I am expecting WCW to make up for making me sit through some of the worst matches in the history of Nitro. A show that genuinely had High Voltage Vs The Amazing French Canadians pencilled in as the main event, even if Hall and Nash ultimately took the place of the AFC. Last week’s show was frankly a disgrace and I was not amused. Time for WCW to put things right, so let’s go.

Tony excitedly welcomes us to the show and announces that we’re broadcasting from Cleveland, Ohio. Larry then interjects dryly by adding “yeah, the mistake on the lake”. Is there anywhere in America that Larry actually likes? Well anyway, Tony, still in his excited voice, dismisses Larry by saying “not at all!” and bigs up the Cleveland Indians and the rock and roll hall of fame.

Tony is literally wearing the exact same butler outfit from last week. I will say that I’m impressed with Larry – he’s looking smart. In a boomerish way, but still, compared to his usual attire this is fine. Admittedly there is a part of me that enjoys ripping on Larry’s fashion choices, but still, it’s nice to see that he does have some normal clothes in his wardrobe.

The Butler says last week’s nWo invasion was “the lowest point in the history of this great live television program, each and every Monday”. Unnecessarily long sentence aside, I agree. Last week’s card was indeed a low point in WCW history. I know that isn’t what Tony is referring to, but let’s be real, it was a joke that nobody laughed at. When you’ve got some ballbag called Bo LeDouche in your semi-main event taking on a fake Sting then you’ve got some serious work to do. That was a bit mean actually, I’ve got nothing against Bo and I hope he’s doing good now. I’m just lashing out, so I apologise. To Bo, not to WCW. Fuck them for last week’s program.

They show footage of the nWo racecar being presented last week, and then Tony says the nWo claim that Kyle Petty is their driver – something both Tony and Larry laugh off. Joke’s on them though, as Kyle Petty did indeed drive for the New World Order.

Here’s the man himself, chilling with his boys. Not sure where Hollywood is though. I guess he had more important things to do, like film The Three Ninjas. If we’re talking ninjas though, why wasn’t Glacier in that movie? Probably because they’d get sued by Midway for ripping off Mortal Kombat. But I digress.

Tony throws it over to Eric Bischoff at the big boy table, who has a statement to make.

Eric references being slapped around by the “New World Odor”, using Larry’s awful phrase, but says it isn’t about him, it’s about the history of WCW. Eric says this is about WCW’s roots going back to 1905. He namedrops Lou Thesz,  the Funks, Pat O’Connor and Dusty Rhodes. He says that may not mean anything to the nWo, but it means “a lot of things to a lot of people”. He claims that WCW aren’t going to stand for it, and it’s going to stop because it isn’t fun anymore and nobody is entertained by it.

I mean, ratings say otherwise, but if we’re talking last week’s show then yeah, sure. Fun and entertaining it was not. Bischoff calls the nWo “dirtbags”, and says the biggest mistake he ever made was hiring Hulk Hogan. He says that Hogan and the “thugs” won’t stop WCW because they’ve worked too hard and too long. “It’s going to stop, no more” Bischoff concludes before handing back to Tony and Larry.

Putting aside the obvious fact that WCW chooses to show and promote a ton of nWo stuff when they don’t have to, and can’t even hire basic security to keep the nWo at bay, this was a good promo from Bischoff. Well delivered, well worded and sincere. A good job, and honestly a better promo than most of his roster could pull off.

“I guess that takes care of that” says a ridiculously naïve Tony, whilst Larry, ever the cynic, asks how Bischoff can promise it’s going to stop when the nWo were using his head “for a speedbag”. Not sure what he means by this – airbag maybe? – but regardless, for once I concur with the living legend. WCW has shown zero ability to get to grips with the nWo, so why would anything change now?

Four minutes in, and we’ve got our first match - for the tag team championships. Juventud Guerrera’s music plays, and my first thought is ‘seriously, after last week they’re giving Juvi and Brad Armstrong a tag title match?’ – but no. Juventud is in fact teaming up with “El Technico”… possibly a distant cousin of El Generico. I mean, okay, it’s a dumb name, but maybe…

Oh. What the fuck is that? It’s like an incredibly low effort CAW inspired by the Portuguese flag. I’m starting to think Juvi should have stuck with Brad “America, fuck yeah” Armstrong, rather than team up with this thing. Besides of which, what criteria was used to decide these two earned a tag title shot? Juvi isn’t even a tag wrestler, and I’m absolutely sure I’ve never seen El Technico before. I question WCW’s decision-making when it comes to naming challengers for the belts. Then again, this is the same company that gave Greg Valentine and John Tenta world title matches against The Giant.

But I mean, just look at this. Look at it. Dude looks like he’s wearing his fucking pyjamas or something. How much did this outfit cost – a few dollars at most? I’m not sure you could even give it away for free. You’re on national television and this is seriously the best you could do? Absolutely ridiculous.

Larry asks Tony to explain what “El Technico” means, because he doesn’t speak Spanish. Bro, can you not make an educated guess? Tony reveals that, shockingly, it means a technical wrestler. So not only does this guy have the blandest look imaginable, but even his name is the most generic term you could possibly come up with. It’s not even a wrestling name, it’s a description of a wrestler. What a joke.

Their opponents, of course, are the tag team champions – Public Enemy.

They look stunned to be brought out as champions, understandably. Rocco has a really creepy grin going on in the background, whilst Grunge is eyeing up the camera like it’s a triple cheeseburger. Bro, calm down. The crowd wave their hands in the air like they just don’t care, as the Enemies of the Public carry their trusty table down to ringside.

Tony notes that at the next PPV Public Enemy will face The Outsiders for the titles. So that’ll be about as long as they hold the belts, then. Although I have to admit it would be a laugh to see Juvi and El Technico win the belts and get utterly murdered by Hall and Nash. I have a suspicion that dream will not become a reality though.

This excited fellow in the crowd is dressed to impress. Why do people come to WCW shows dressed in business attire? I seriously don’t get it. The only reason I can think of is that they’ve come straight to these events from work, but even so, could you not bring a change of clothes? Or just change at the office?

Public Enemy Vs Juventud Guerrera and a CAW created in less than a minute

Juvi and Rocco start things off, as we all wait with unrivalled anticipation for the in-ring debut of El Technico.

Juvi hits Rocco with a springboard hurricanrana…

But it ends up looking like shit, as Rocco just kind of rolls to the mat.

Juvi ends up on the outside of the ring with Rocco, who slams The Juice into the guardrail.

Jesus, it’s apparently been a rough week for the Hulkster.

Then, the moment arrives. The seismic event that we’ve all been waiting for. Juvi tags in the real Big Red Machine, El Technico himself.

Yep, there he is, doing some kind of weird dance, barely in control of his limbs as he enters the ring. Looks like he’s ripping a crazy fart. Rocco looks at this absolute mess in disdain.

Rocco briefly beats on this idiot, then Grunge gets tagged in. Juvi attempts to intervene but gets launched to the outside. El Technico just continues to get wrecked. He hasn’t hit a single offensive move yet. Rocco flips onto El Technico from the apron with the help of his partner.

He lands on Technico with a splat, and this one’s over.

Public Enemy defeat Juventud Guerrera and El Technico via pinfall.

Fucking weak. El Technico wrestled about as well as he dresses. Juvi is just the absolute worst at picking tag team partners.

If there’s one good thing to come out of this, it’s shown below.

Rocco crushes Technico through a table. Looked brutal. Nice.

So, I looked up El Technico on google. Turns out we are being fucking lied to by Tony and Larry. This is not a Mexican wrestler at all. You know who’s under that mask? Billy Kidman. Yes, Billy fucking Kidman. He’s about as Mexican as I am, which for the record, is less than zero percent. Apparently it was originally going to be Juvi and Psychosis teaming up, which would have made more sense, but Psychosis got detained at the border and Billy Kidman dressing up in the shittiest attire imaginable with the shittiest name imaginable was the best WCW could come up with on short notice.

Were there literally no other luchadores available? Brad Armstrong would have been a better choice than this. The guy from last week with the ice cream sprinkles shirt would have been a better choice than this. Glacier would have been better than this. In fact, why not just have Billy Kidman come out as himself? Why did he need to dress up in this horrendous outfit? Would Billy Kidman teaming up with Juvi have made any less sense than Brad Armstrong last week? I can’t believe this is the best they could do. For what it’s worth, El Technico would never be seen again after this. His legacy is this one match where he got wrecked by Public Enemy, and now he only lives in our hearts and minds.

Well anyway, moving on from that nonsense, we now get a short promo from Stinko.

Using his typical charismatic charm, which has to be heard to be fully understood, Malenko tells Alex Wright that he’ll just be another stepping stone on Deano’s quest for the cruiserweight title. “You picked the wrong night, pal” Stinko concludes. In fairness, I don’t think Wright picked anything. I assume the match was set up by the WCW committee.

We now get another “what the big boys wear” commercial.

Such a dumb slogan. Sounds like they’re advertising a clothing line for large toddlers.

It’s Duggan hawking a WCW shirt. If we’re considering ambassadors for a “what the big boys wear” slogan, Duggan is probably the most appropriate choice. He’s basically a gigantic bearded child.

I don’t know what’s going on here, or who that guy is, but the only comment I can make is that this does show that these shirts are insanely stretchy and durable.

We now go to Mike Tenay, who is standing with the lesser Horsemen. I miss Gene.

Mike says that he’s confused, as Mongo isn’t even scheduled to be wrestling tonight. Basically telling him to get the fuck out of here. Mongo retorts that he’s here to fight the nWo. Where was he last week? Maybe he was in Japan, but if so it wasn’t mentioned.

For some reason they give Debra the mic.

Tenay has an incredibly despondent look on his face. He looks like he’s about to burst into tears. This was my expression watching last week’s show. Debra says nothing of importance, as usual.

Tenay says that there are “international bragging rights” on the line when it comes to Benoit’s match with Rick Steiner later on tonight. What does that mean? I thought he was going to announce a Japanese wrestler or something, not Rick Steiner. I know Benoit is Canadian, but he wrestles Americans every week in WCW, so how is this any different? I don’t know. This is the same company that gave us Billy Kidman in a stupid mask and lied that he was Mexican.

Benoit says that Rick Steiner is a great wrestler – eh… – but tonight he’s going to be in the ring with the best. Benoit says tonight he’s going to make a statement, the Horsemen are unparalleled, elite and perennial. Interesting final word there. It basically means something that lasts forever, but can also mean a plant that lives several years, apparently, so apply whichever meaning you think is most appropriate. Benoit’s promo this week was short and straight to the point. No stumbling over words, either. He’s improving a little.

Eric Bischoff at the beginning of the show: The nWo bullshit is going to stop.

Literally less than ten minutes later:

OK. Lots of lying going on tonight.

We start with Hogan making a toast, as his son Nick sits on his lap.

He calls his son “Nasty Nick at Night” which… seems wildly inappropriate, as this boy can’t be more than five or six years old. Maybe he wets the bed or something, I don’t know, but it’s not an acceptable nickname regardless.

Ted DiBiase says that WCW had to foot the bill for this commercial time, because they lost the match at War Games. Alright, fine, but then why does it say at the beginning that the announcement has been paid for by the nWo? More lies. Scott Hall welcomes the WCW guys back from Japan. Nash then holds up a picture of some old guy…

And says how it’s strange you never see Bill Murray and Ross Perot in the same spot. Everyone laughs, but I don’t know who Ross Perot is, so it’s over my head. Seems completely random though. Syxx calls room service for some food.

Nash says he just watched Steve McMichael chatting shit, and claims Debra wants Nash. Wait, is this live? I mean, technically it would have to be considering that interview was a couple of minutes ago. Weird.

Despite the champagne, I have to be honest, this doesn’t look like the most thrilling party. nWo Sting says “champagne for everybody”, which nobody reacts to, and then the… live feed I guess?... ends. Awkward.

Tony confirms that the nWo video was indeed ‘live’, although I would guess that’s a lie as well. Most likely pre-recorded and they already knew McMichael was going to chat some shit about them in a promo. Oh well, really, who cares.

We return to the arena, and the music of the most charismatic wrestler of the 90s lets us know who is coming out next.

Deano Machino, carrying what appears to be a Rey Mysterio Jr mask.

As Deano heads down to the ring, Larry asks if Debra is really going out with Nash. Tony is very offended by this for some reason, asking with irritation if Larry really believes anything “those liars say” – glass houses, Mr. Here’s-El-Technico-From-Mexico – “why would you ask me something like that?”. Larry responds that he doesn’t trust women, and Tony says “neither do I”. Some good old misogyny from our supposedly babyface commentators. You two aren’t exactly bastions of honesty yourselves.

Tony informs us that the reason Malenko has Mysterio’s mask is because he ripped it off Rey’s head during an interview on WCW Saturday Night, at which point Tony threw his jacket over Rey to keep his identity a secret. Larry asks if Rey is that ugly. Tony rebukes Larry by reminding him that the mask is “sacred” in Mexico, and that he didn’t see what Rey looked like because Rey had his face on the concrete.

I find it hard to believe that neither Tony nor Larry have ever seen Rey without his mask on, but yeah, whatever.

Stinko’s opponent is “Das BlunderKind” Alex Wright. There are some audible boos as the young German heads to the ring. He’s not a heel at this point, but I think it’s established by now that as far as the WCW audience is concerned, anyone outside of the US and Canada = bad guy. Juvi and Psychosis have faced the same crowd reaction despite not doing anything to earn their scorn besides not being American.

Dean Malenko Vs “Das BlunderKind” Alex Wright

Tony claims that the reason the nWo are at the Marriott Hotel (where the ‘party’ is apparently being held) is because the WCW wrestlers are back from Japan, saying “that’s just like them” and basically insinuating that they’re cowards. Can’t help but call bullshit on this, as the nWo have very much enjoyed getting into a good old ruckus with the WCW lads over the past few weeks. Don’t think there’s any evidence to suggest they’re too scared to show up. It’s not like the WCW crew did a great job repelling the nWo pre-Japan, so why would it be any different now?

Some early chain and mat wrestling from Deano and Alex. Very technical, very smooth. Pretty much what you’d expect from these two. We go to a commercial with Malenko in control, and when we come back Tony says it’s been all Malenko during the break.  

They end up on the outside, and Malenko whips Alex into the guardrail.

Dude with the business suit on is getting an action shot with his big 90s camera. Who could have predicted that one day you’d be taking photos in much better quality on a mobile phone?

Alex attempts to flip back into the ring and catch Deano with a sunset flip, but no dice. Deano places Rey’s mask onto the corner ring post.

Rey Postierio. Larry says “it looks better on the pole”, Tony says “it does not, as a matter of fact”. Tony really is no fun at all.

Alex fires back with some punches and uppercuts in the corner, then gives Dean a back body drop. Rather than discuss the match, Tony and Larry instead talk about how Sting isn’t here. Tony says he’s now being referred to as “the lone wolf”, but I’m pretty sure Tony is the only one calling Sting that.

Larry blasts Sting, saying he’s having a temper tantrum. Evidently he hasn’t learned his lesson as far as Sting is concerned - however, with that said I tend to agree with Larry Z. Keeping in mind the reason everyone suspected Sting was because he, by his own admission, ghosted everyone and went into hiding after the nWo Sting’s initial appearance. Yes, the WCW guys should have known it wasn’t Sting who attacked Luger, but still.

Stinko goes flying, but Alex dives out of the way. He rolls Deano up, and gets the surprise victory!

The crowd cheer, having seemingly been won over by Wright’s resilience. Larry and Tony are absolutely stunned at this upset. Larry says “Malenko has got to be disgusted with himself”. Jeez, going a bit far there bro. It’s not like Stinko was wrestling Ronald McDonald. Mr Wright is a solid wrestler, always capable of an upset, but listening to Tony and Larry you’d think this was Wright’s debut match or something.  

Kudos to Alex Wright, anyway. I never really cared for him as kid, but rewatching Nitro as an adult I find he consistently has good matches with a variety of opponents. You know if Alex is wrestling it’s going to be a decent match, which you certainly can’t say for a lot of others… cough Jim Duggan.

Alex Wright defeats Dean Malenko via pinfall.

We get a recap of Macho Man wrestling Big Bubba on Saturday Night. Liz is watching from the entranceway, as Macho hits the big elbow. For some reason Mark Curtis tries to stop Macho going up for a second big elbow, and Macho tosses him out of the ring as a result.

Fair enough imo. Macho wasn’t doing anything wrong. Get out of the way, moustache. Nick Patrick comes out and takes a punch.

Good. Tony says he condones this. Larry doesn’t.

Back to Nitro, where we’re about to have an interview with the Macho Man himself. This should be good. Tenay introduces the Macho Man, and his music plays, but nobody shows up. Tenay says he doesn’t understand what’s going on, and the crowd boos. Oh well.

We get a ten second promo from Eddie, who says he’s looking forward to locking horns with Jim Powers. I daresay he is, as that’s basically a guaranteed victory.

We come back from the break to this.

Uh… what’s going on? Did someone mummify Tenta?

No, it’s just a Halloween Havoc/Slim Jim commercial starring Macho Man in a Frankenstein’s monster mask. As James Rolfe would remind us if he was here, it was before 5:40 and actually cared about this nonsense, “Frankenstein is the name of the doctor, not the monster”.

Apparently there’s a competition where you can win a customised Slim Jim monster truck.

Could I just have a cash prize instead?

Oh, look, a cameo from Sister Abigail. I guess she was tight with Macho before hooking up with Bray. That would actually explain a lot.

Jeez, this advert goes on for a long time. Suddenly Ric Flair shows up.

With a couple of blondes, of course.

Macho tells Flair to get lost, but Flair wants to sign up to the sweepstakes. Macho just told you how to do it, bruh, are you deaf? Also the music in the background is the music they used for Thunder when it debuted. Good old stock turner music. Macho says he’ll mash Flair like a pumpkin as Flair leaves this fever dream.

Finally we return to the arena, and here comes WCW’s resident jobber.

With the godfather, aka peanut head, aka buttinski, Teddy Long.

There’s a bunch of dickheads in the crowd with nWo placards. I’d be pissed if that was blocking my view. Also Nick Patrick is wearing a neck brace, presumably due to Savage attacking him on Saturday Night. You’d think WCW wouldn’t force him to work in that condition, but apparently they give no fucks about Patrick’s health.

Eddie gets some major pyro as he comes out. Nice.

Jim “Jobber” Powers Vs. Eddie Guerrero

We know who is going to win, it’s just a case of how long it takes.

1996 Olympics silver medallist Matt Ghaffari is back again – he must be quite the WCW fan. I took a quick look at Wikipedia and it turns out Ghaffari was scouted by WCW, but ultimately didn’t sign on with them. Looks like he wrestled a bit in Japan in the early-2000s and that was about it. What could have been. Larry claims that Ghaffari has been asking him for tips on how to win the gold medal. Why lie, Larry?

Tony notes that the crowd loved Macho Man beating up Patrick on Saturday. Larry asks if the crowd can’t see the instability of Savage, seemingly failing to grasp that this is why people like him in the first place. Also Patrick is a bellend, so obviously people are going to be happy to see somebody smack him around.

Larry is worried because Savage is the one tasked with beating Hogan, and seems to be emotionally unstable. Tony says Savage isn’t the only one fighting the nWo, and brings up Public Enemy, which only seems to strengthen Larry’s point if we’re being honest.

Jimbo is having a good match so far, pretty much dominating, and hits Eddie with a belly-to-belly. I should note by ‘good match’ I mean Powers is in charge, not that the match is good. It isn’t. Anyway, yeah, nice suplex by Powers.

Not that it matters, as the outcome isn’t in doubt.

The crowd is booing, but I’m not sure if they’re booing the match or the dunces walking around with the nWo signs. Probably the latter.

Tony and Larry are talking about Eddie and DDP fighting at Halloween Havoc, and suggesting that it’s for the Battle Bowl ring, which isn’t a championship and… you know what, we’ve been through this before. Fuck that ring, I wish Duggan had flushed it down the toilet when he had the chance – and himself too.

There’s a mixture of booing and an “nWo” chant. A divided crowd it seems.

Powers hits a nice looking superplex, but only gets a two. A short time later Eddie hits a bridging German suplex.

Powers appears to kick out just before the three, but Patrick counts it anyway and calls for the bell.

Teddy Long remonstrates with Patrick, saying that Powers got the shoulder up. Eddie doesn’t look pleased either. Tony says that Nick made the right call, proving that he is seemingly blind or just wasn’t paying attention. Eddie shakes his head and leaves.

An incensed Long asks whether Patrick “needs to go back to referee school”. Is there a school for referees? Curriculum – how to count to three, then how to count to ten, how to be oblivious to illegal activity outside the ring, then…?

Peanut Head raises Power’s arm in victory – savour that image, it’s the only time you’ll ever see it on WCW Monday Nitro. The crowd boos. By the way, isn’t that the same salcom jacket that Mark Henry wore in his fake retirement angle? Maybe he borrowed it from Long.

Looks like we’re heading back to party central.

The Nasty Boys show up and high five Hogan. The quality of the party is not improving. This is the equivalent of being at a friend’s birthday, then his loudmouth idiot cousins show up. Neither you nor your friends like them, but your friend has to be nice to them because they’re family.

Hogan’s shirt says “Hollywood’s Wolfpack”. Interesting - so Hogan was in fact the originator of the Wolfpac. The fingerpoke of doom suddenly makes sense. Actually no, it doesn’t, but fuck that. I doubt I’ll live long enough to get to a Nitro from 1999.

Hall says it’s a party, and the Nastys say they’re here to party. Yeah, looks off the fucking chain.

Nick has put a wolf mask on, for whatever reason. Nash has put on some glasses, for whatever reason. A really old lady shows up with food. Saggs says that the Nastys love the nWo, and this is more than WCW ever did for them.

Being invited to a cheap motel room with a bunch of middle-aged dudes and a six year old kid is more than WCW ever did for them? Sad if true. Let’s be real though, WCW allowing the Nasty Boys to actually be on television in the first place is more than they deserve at this point.

Saggs says he has something to show everyone.

He gets on the table, says he’s going to do an Eric Bischoff impersonation, then grabs his butt cheeks and moves them apart whilst doing a mocking voice. Thankfully he doesn’t pull down his trousers, but still.

The expressions say it all. You’d think he sharted. Maybe he did. What a fucking chode. Hall looks at the camera with embarrassment, as the ‘live’ feed mercifully ends.

The Nasty Boys, those loudmouth cousins nobody likes.

We’re now backstage with Tenay, who is interviewing Arn Anderson, along with Liz and Woman.

Woman looks extremely annoyed. She probably misses Gene. No groping of Tenay, I guess he isn’t bald enough. Or maybe she just likes creepy moustaches, I don’t know.

Arn is unhappy that Liz has been showing up and watching Randy Savage, and also seems to object to her travelling anywhere whilst the Horsemen were in Japan. Why didn’t they take her along, then?

Jeez, Woman is really not happy. Her voice is soft, but her expression is absolute fury. Kind of terrifying, honestly. She sides with Arn, asking why Liz was showing up and gazing lovingly at the Macho Man instead of taking time off.

Liz says it’s complicated, and she doesn’t know what to say. Alright then. Arn pivots to his match tonight against a “fine young talent”, but doesn’t say who. He tells Liz to get her head in the game, whilst Woman says “business is business”. End of segment. That was fine, I guess. It’s weird that suddenly Liz is infatuated with Macho again, but maybe she spent all of his money and needs more. Keep in mind it was only a few weeks ago that she and the Horsemen were yucking it up over spending Savage’s hard-earned cash.

In the arena, out comes this oaf.

Humorous, get it?

Larry says he doesn’t trust women, again, then says maybe Liz ran out of alimony. Shit, that means Larry and I had the same thought, and now I’m re-evaluating everything about myself.

Glorious guitar riffs from the 80s once again forcibly downgrade my computer to DOS, as American Hero Brad Armstrong makes his entrance. Didn’t we have this match a couple of weeks ago? Do we really need to see it again?

Hugh Morrus Vs Brad Armstrong

During the match, the pyro goes off for hour number two, as we switch to Bischoff, Tenay and Heenan.

This is the most exciting part of the match, as you might expect.

Humorous hits his admittedly impressive No Laughing Matter finisher twice to end this one.

Hugh Morrus defeats Brad Armstrong via pinfall.

Hugh gets far too fucking close to the camera.

Disturbing.

Backstage, Arn, Woman and Liz are arguing again. Is she really worth all of this aggravation anyway? I’m sure they’ll do just fine without her. Don’t get me wrong, she’s a beautiful girl and I’m sure she’s a joy to be with, but as Arn and Woman keep repeating… it’s business. So shut the fuck up with this nonsense and get on with it.

We’re now at the announce desk with the Three Amigos. As always, Tenay radiates old-school belt-whippin’ dad energy. Bischoff says he’s going to find out what hotel the nWo are at. Bruh, it’s the Marriott, this was already established. Keep up.

Bischoff says that he’s leaving, much to the confusion of Tenay and Heenan, and says that Tony is welcome to come and take his place. A seat at the big boy table for Tony this week, but at the expense of having to do double the work for presumably the same amount of money. Life is this way sometimes.

Next out is the Lionheart.

God his theme music sucks.

His opponent is Arn Anderson, with Woman. Liz is nowhere to be seen. Damn I love that Horsemen shirt design. I would buy that for a price far above what is reasonable to pay. Not the one Arn is wearing, but a new one in my size. Just to be clear.

Chris Jericho Vs Arn Anderson (w/Woman)

Tony joins Tenay and Heenan at the booth – the first time this trio will commentate together, but certainly not the last time. Tony says he backs Bischoff 100%, and he knows where Bischoff’s loyalties lie. Oh, Tony. You poor naïve simpleton. Heenan, a lot smarter, postulates that Bischoff may well be part of the nWo, which Tony dismisses out of hand. Heenan then suggests Macho won’t join the nWo, due to his hatred for Hogan, so he’s not quite Nostradamus.

Tenay talks about Jericho’s high flying style, as the crowds sits on their hands watching Jericho put a wristlock on Anderson in a match that could best be described as starting off slowly. Liz meanwhile is shown backstage watching on a monitor.

A tiny, tiny monitor.

I have to say I’m not entirely sure what it is that’s stopping Liz from being at ringside. Neither Macho nor the nWo are around, so what’s the problem?

Arn rolls outside, which causes Jericho to launch himself at the Enforcer.

Woman gets in Jericho’s face and slaps him, after which Arn gives him a few punches. Heenan suggests that Jericho might have said something derogatory towards Woman, to which Tony replies “what’s wrong with that?”. Damn, did Tony and his wife have an argument before this show started? Normally he’s pretty chill when it comes to the women, dismissing Larry’s bullshit sexism, but tonight he’s letting the dark side take over. Very disappointing, I expect better from our favourite Butler.

Anyhow, Arn slams Jericho’s head into the steel steps. Patrick isn’t counting either man out because it’s WCW, and rules are only rules when the storyline deems them to be necessary. Liz gets up from watching the monitor and walks off. Not sure where she’s going, but she doesn’t come out to ringside.

Jericho is in total control of Double A, and hits him with a back elbow from the top turnbuckle as Woman screams in despair.

Jericho attempts the Lionsault, but Arn rolls out of the way.

Lionsault. Do Lions even do somersaults? That would be impressive.

Arn takes advantage of this mistake and spikes Jericho with a DDT.

And that’s that. Good outing for Jericho, even in defeat, but the match wasn’t anything special.

Arn Anderson (w/Woman) defeats Chris Jericho via pinfall.

The Horsemen music plays for about three seconds then stops. OK then.

Tony runs down the card for the second hour, then it cuts to the back, where Liz has her bags and seems to be leaving the arena.

Bischoff has apparently also left the arena, to go and confront the nWo at their hotel room. I can see that ending well.

Out comes the man now known as M. Wallsteet. I’d prefer M. Bison. Looking in better condition than last week, at least, but I don’t think the business suit is optimal attire. Better than El Technico’s pyjamas though. Fucking El Technico. El Bullshit.

He’ll be facing Flexy Lexy. No prizes for guessing who wins this one.

M. Wallstreet Vs Lex Luger

Neither you nor me cares about this match, so let’s skip to the finish as it inexplicably lasts seven minutes.

Back to the stock market for you, M.

Lex Luger defeats M. Wallstreet via submission.

The Faces of Fear make random grunty noises in the background whilst Jimmy Hart says of the Rock & Roll Express “this is the night the music dies”. Think that happened once the 80s finished, as far as the Rock & Roll Express are concerned.

Tony says that it takes a big company to admit their mistakes, and they all agree that bringing Hogan to WCW was a mistake. The financials and ratings say otherwise, but yeah, okay. Tony says that WCW also got it wrong about Sting, and they want to give him a peace offering. This is their idea of making things right.

Fuck me. A race car named after Sting, with an ugly, bloated face on the bonnet which looks more like Brian Knobbs wearing KISS facepaint. Why would Sting give a single shit about this, and why is WCW so obsessed with customised race cars lately anyway?

A peace offering? This just looks like they’re mocking him. “That’s his likeness on the front of it,” says Tony, further adding to the mockery. “Sting, we want you to come back to WCW, we were wrong” says Tony. Yes, you were, and judging by this attempt at a ‘peace offering’ you still are.

Out come The Faces of Fear, with the mouth of the south.

Their opponents are the 80s timewarp known as the Rock & Roll Express. Tenay calls them “one of the great teams of the 1980s, trying to expand into the 90s”. It’s already 1996, how much longer are they going to try?

The Faces of Fear Vs The Rock & Roll Express

Morton attempts punching Meng in the head, which is about as useful as throwing your fist against a brick wall. Zero effect. Morton then repeatedly attempts a sleeper on Meng, which also does nothing to help. Barbarian gets tagged in and starts beating on Morton as well.

A weird thing happens where both Morton and Gibson are in the ring, attempting pins on Barbarian. The ref is, for reasons beyond my understanding, counting pins for Gibson even though he hasn’t tagged in. This isn’t a tornado tag, so the ref is just being incompetent as usual. Both Morton and Gibson then attempt pinning Barbarian at once.

Barbarian kicks out, but why is the ref even counting in the first place? This is blatantly illegal. WCW, where rules go to die.

Gibson is then officially tagged in, but why even bother if there are no rules? The ref then proceeds to shove Barbarian over and count a pin by Gibson, which Barbarian again kicks out of. Mark Curtis is making an enemy of these guys, and that isn’t going to end well. Shave that tash and sort yourself out before Meng finishes you.

Morton ends up back in the ring, but is just getting demolished. Gibson attempts to get a “rock and roll” chant going, but the crowd ignore him. Considering the glacial speed of this match, most of them are probably asleep. Speaking of which, where’s Glacier at? More importantly, where’s my man the Train at? What even is an Ice Train? A train made of ice? A train covered in ice? A play on the phrase ‘eye strain’? How does it relate to Ice Train himself? A chill bro who runs through his opponents like a train, maybe?

I don’t know, I’m just bored and chatting shit.

OK, what’s going on in this match…

Oh, Barbarian just pinned Gibson and the match is over. Good. Morton is strolling around in the background, not bothering to break up the pin, but that’s fine by me. Reminds me of the old Smackdown games on the PS2, when you’d press L2 or whatever for your partner to come in and make the save, but the CPU would just wander over casually and not get there in time. Fucking useless CPU.

The Faces of Fear defeat the 80s via pinfall.

Morton tries to grab Barbarian by the hair, but Meng just boots him in the head and out of the ring.

Fucking beautiful. Punting him right back to the 80s where he belongs.

The Faces of Fear continue to beat on Gibson, which brings out Public Enemy.

Not sure why they felt the need to come out and stick their noses in this. Why would they care? I guess they just felt like getting a beating, as the Faces of Fear proceed to toss Rocco out of the ring and then smash Grunge’s knee – which apparently is already injured?

I assume this was done to give Public Enemy an out for losing to the Outsiders, but is that honestly necessary? Even at 200% nobody is buying Public Enemy beating Hall and Nash.

Back to the shittiest party in history. Knobbs is eating, of course. Not just eating, but literally stuffing his face. Saggs looks bored.

The camera pans to Hollywood, and the bearded guy with the ponytail sitting behind him is Kyle Petty. So much for Tony and Larry’s declarations that Petty would never entertain joining the nWo. Wrong again. DiBiase is ordering more champagne, but it’s going to take a lot more than that to save this dire situation. Seriously, why not get some women there instead? The ratio is 100% male and that’s no party. Particularly when one of those males is a six year old boy, and two of them are Knobbs and Saggs.

Kyle Petty speaks. He says that he was offered the WCW car, but he didn’t even know WCW had a car.

There’s a momentary pause before everyone starts fake laughing at this. Awkward. Hogan says Macho is going down at Halloween Havoc, as the ‘live feed’ ends.

It’s time for our main event.

I assume Benoit is there somewhere. Maybe he’s in Mongo’s briefcase.

“Here’s a story of two brothers, Rick and Scott…”

Rick comes out barking, and the crowd barks back at him, which I have to reiterate is not helpful for his clinical lycanthropy at all.

Heenan sarcastically remarks “nice name” as Tony calls Steiner ‘the dog faced gremlin’. “Hi mom, I’m dating the dog faced gremlin” Heenan remarks. I laughed.

Patrick gets too close to the camera and says he’s working hurt, and asks if we see anyone else out here working hurt. No, but this isn’t the flex you think it is, Nick. It just makes you look stupid and WCW look like horrible employers. Patrick says he is the law around here, and he will enforce the rules. Well, that would certainly be a first as far as WCW is concerned, but why is Patrick cutting a promo anyway?

Tony says this match will be “a dandy”. He really needs to stop saying that.

Chris Benoit Vs Rick Steiner

We get a Halloween Havoc promo advert. It’s all going well until the promo guy says The Outsiders will face Harlem Heat. Either he just spoiled a title change happening before Halloween Havoc, or this video was taped before the title change happened – but that was last week, so there’s no excuse for WCW not to have edited this. It suggests that, bafflingly, the decision to put the titles on Public Enemy was a last minute call. I don’t think the Heat are injured, so why? Maybe one of them is injured. I can’t think of any other reason for this.

As Benoit and Steiner hug it out in the corner, Tony tells us all that some guy from the production staff has a new job and is leaving. Good for him, but who cares?

The match is a bit of a brawl, before Steiner launches Benoit with a German suplex. He gets some serious air time.

Rough landing.

Mostly back and forth between these two, nothing special. It’s a Rick Steiner singles match, so you’re not getting a classic regardless of the opponent. Mainly just a few solid suplexes and a lot of barking.

Debra gets on the apron and distracts the ref, as Benoit and Steiner are in the corner. Mongo slips into the ring and winds up to whack Steiner with the briefcase.

Easy as that.

Chris Benoit defeats Rick Steiner via pinfall.

Tony blames Nick Patrick for being distracted and not hearing Mongo’s attack, as if every ref in existence wouldn’t be just as oblivious in the same situation.

We’re back at the ‘party’, which is more like a wake. You may notice that Liz is now in attendance, sitting beside the Giant. Apparently she thought this shindig looked too wild to miss. Considering the male-to-female ratio here, and the fact Liz looks both scared and miserable, it’s an uncomfortable scene to say the least. There’s also the nWo music playing in the background, which Scott Hall called “the soundtrack to your favourite adult movie” last week, so… yeah. Thank god WCW was PG.

Giant is trying to sell the nWo to Liz. I would ask why they want her, but they do need to do something about the gender ratio, so, sure.

Vincent shows up with a large present. Hogan doesn’t seem to care, instead continuing where Giant left off and attempting to convince Liz to become a part of the nWo. Liz says Hogan doesn’t understand, and everything’s changed. I don’t really know what’s going on, honestly. Why did Liz come to the nWo’s hotel alone to begin with if she wasn’t interested in being a part of the group?

The nWo lose interest in Liz, and instead turn their attention to the present that Vincent brought in. Liz gets up and leaves.

Nobody tries to stop her.

Of course, the Macho Man just happens to turn up at this moment. How convenient. Macho yells that Liz is setting him up again.  He shouts that she’s got to be ribbing, then starts hollering  “son of a bitch”. I’m actually surprised TNT allowed that. Macho is literally screaming in Liz’s face. It’s seriously uncomfortable.

The show ends there. Wait, what? That’s it? What was the present? Where’s Bischoff? Why was Savage standing around yelling at Liz instead of running in and laying a beat down on the nWo?

A bit of a disappointing end. I mean, we might get some of those answers on next week’s show, I guess… but it would have been better if the scene had cut just as Macho stormed into the nWo’s hotel room. Ideally without the whole screaming in Liz’s face part.

Nonetheless, I won’t complain too much. This show was much better than last week’s effort. Not an all time classic, but solid enough, although I am still unhappy with Tony’s turn to the incel side.

Oh yeah, and one more time, fuck El Technico. To paraphrase Orlando Bloom from that episode of Extras where he keeps shitting on Johnny Depp – “El Technico? EL WANKER.”

Actually, one more comment. Aren’t Hogan and DiBiase supposed to be pretty wealthy, as we’ve been told repeatedly by the men themselves and WCW? Why exactly are the nWo staying in this dingy little motel, crammed into some dusty little room? Between Hogan and DiBiase they could have rented out a huge fucking conference room or something. What we saw was just sad, frankly. 

We kick off with Tony telling the audience that “we’re off and running” with another action-packed episode of America’s number one wrestling program, WCW Monday Nitro!

I’m ready.

No indication of where we are tonight - small town alert. Let’s see. Google tells me that tonight we are in the Benjamin-Jefferson Civic Center in Birmingham, Alabama. WCW does not seem to like advertising when they are broadcasting from Civic Centers, for some reason.

So this week we’re back to Tony and Larry dressing like idiots. Tony looks like a butler/waiter at some higher-end establishment, whilst Larry is wearing something terrible underneath his jacket. Thankfully whatever that abomination is remains mostly hidden, but still, I can tell just by the small amount I can see that it’s a turgid mess. 

The Butler reminds us that most of WCW’s top stars are in Japan, making it the perfect opportunity for the nWo to strike. Considering how much WCW have played on that you’d think they may be luring the nWo into a trap of some kind... but it’s WCW, so probably not. 

Tony holds up some newspaper with an nWo advert inside.

Tony tells us this was in USA Today, apparently. WCW are so offended by the advert that they show it at the very opening of the show. Makes sense. 

Meanwhile Critic’s Corner/Matt Roush also gets some free publicity. Is that Matt in the photo? Nice beard bro. Not sure about the hat.

Larry goes into some rant about the nWo being parasites, helpfully explaining what a parasite is, but half way through his speech seems to get lost, as his words begin to jumble together and make no sense. He ends by decreeing that Hogan and the Outsiders are “nothing but parasites”.

Tony takes a deep breath as this is happening, before Tony tells us that one man is here - Macho - along with “many other top stars of WCW”. Let’s see. Humorous, Glacier, Super Calo and the Dungeon of Doom don’t count. Ice Train however does count. The Train is awesome. Actually after last week I’ll count Calo too, as that guy is just flat-out insane and as a result earned my respect.

We get footage from Fall Brawl showing the match between Savage and the Giant, including Savage giving Giant an impressive scoop slam.  

More footage of the nWo handing out leaflets. Is this really necessary? Also, I have to reiterate, what a fucking waste of paper. No wonder we barely have any rainforests left - the nWo used them all to make millions of these fucking flyers.

This chilly bro is cutting some kind of promo which I think is anti-nWo, but we can’t really hear what he’s saying.

 We’re ready for our first match of the evening, and it’s involving the Dungeon of Doom. Tony, I told you these idiots do not count as “top stars”.

Good old Taskmaster Konan. 

Konnan strides beside Sullivan speaking Spanglish whilst Sullivan pretends to understand a word of what it being said. It’s like if your grandad was accosted by a random Mexican gangbanger and tried to ‘act cool’ in order not to get capped.

The Dungeon’s opponents are already in the ring.

Well, that’s an... unusual pairing. I’m curious as to how these two were put together. Actually that’s a lie, I don’t really care.

“Taskmaster” Kevin Sullivan & Konnan (w/ Jimmy Hart) Vs. Brad Armstrong & Juventud Guerrera

Mike Tenay joins the commentary team for this match. 

The match starts with Konnan tossing Juvi onto his head via a german suplex, truly suplex city before Brock made that a thing. I’ve just noticed that for some reason Big Bubba is at ringside as well. I hope Glacier runs down and karate kicks him in the face again.

Juvi regains control with a swift headscissors on Konnan. Juvi then flies out to dive onto K-Dogg.

Sullivan could have done something to stop this, but he just stands there and watches. 

Weirdly Tony clarifies the Mexican Heavyweight title isn’t on the line. It’s a tag match, why would anyone have assumed it was?

Juvi gets dumped on his head with a nasty looking cradle DDT, as Mark Curtis does the crab people dance. Konnan goes to tag Sullivan, but Sullivan for some reason refuses, so Konnan goes back on the offence. Once again Konnan goes for a tag, and once again the Taskmaster says no thanks. He evidently doesn’t want to do any work tonight. Maybe he’s upset he didn’t get invited to Japan. 

Juvi tags in American hero Brad Armstrong who immediately kicks Konnan in the gut.

Armstrong gains a little offence but Konnan dropkicks his knee which puts him down. Now Sullivan wants the tag. He tags in and does his stupid little finisher.

The ref counts the pin and for some reason Juvi doesn’t even bother to try and come in to break it up. Maybe he just thought there’s no way my partner is going to be pinned off such a shitty looking move, considering he’s only been in the ring for about a minute. Gamble did not pay off. 

“Taskmaster” Kevin Sullivan and Konnan defeat Brad Armstrong and Juventud Guerrera via pinfall.

Post-match Konnan is annoyed by Sullivan’s reluctance to tag in earlier and shoves him. This leads to Big Bubba attacking Konnan from behind, at which point he and the Taskmaster put the boots to him.

I can only assume Sullivan was very offended by whatever Konnan was saying in Spanish during their entrance. There’s been literally no buildup to this betrayal at all otherwise. Konnan is easily the best member of the Dungeon of Doom from the perspective of being a decent wrestler (Meng aside obviously) so it seems odd to kick him out.

But hold on. Jimmy Hart tells the camera it’s an initiation, as Sullivan pulls Konnan to his feet.

Hold on. Aren’t initiations supposed to happen before you join a group, not weeks/months afterwards? The Dungeon just does everything backwards. What a bunch of idiots. Konnan yells that he’s Dungeon of Doom and everybody is happy. Tenay says this is how Konnan grew up and it’s a gang initiation. OK, firstly, Dungeon of Doom - shittiest gang ever. With that said I would have loved to have seen them in something like The Shield (if you haven’t seen it, watch it). Vic Mackey smacking Jimmy Hart around and cracking him across the skull with his megaphone would have been magnificent. Secondly, again, initiations happen before somebody joins, not some time afterward. Well anyway, Sullivan said in a later interview that Konnan was “forced” into the Dungeon and “didn’t fit in”. No shit, he actually had charisma and talent.

Tony tells us that Chris Jericho and Mike Enos are coming up. Wow, more “top stars”. Keep in mind this isn’t even Jericho of late 1997 or 1998, but rather bland pointless babyface Jericho of 1996.

We pan the crowd and then see footage of the nWo in their limo from last week. Again, what’s the point? This is boring and just filling time. 

Mike is backstage with Macho, and informs him that he’s been publicky targeted by the nWo.

Savage asks “Am I a marked man?” then talks in such a low voice I genuinely can’t hear what he’s saying. Savage yells that even if Hogan cheap shots him “every night and every day” before Halloween Havoc it isn’t going to change anything. Savage calls himself the last hope of WCW. Desperate times. Macho notes that the majority of WCW are booked in Japan, and claims he was too, but he took himself out to stay in the US. Really? Not sure I buy that. I think Macho is just trying to make himself feel better. Kind of like a kid who didn’t get invited to a party, then tells his friend “no, I totally was invited, I just wanted to stay at home and play on my Nintendo”. Sure. Makes sense to stay in the States as the sole target for the nWo. Macho starts talking about multiple lifetimes again, showcasing his Buddhist philosophies once again, and then says “the only thing we have in common is that about 100,000 lifetimes from now we might be the same goldfish swimming in the same water.”

Tenay is just like.... what? Savage straight up admits he’s making no sense, and concludes by saying he’s taking responsibility to wipe Hogan out. 

We’re back to the arena after that craziness, and out comes Mike “Ready” Enos.

Haven’t seen “Rough” recently - wonder if he’s still around? Enos is still wearing the “rough and Ready” vest, regardless.

Larry says that Savage is “confused”. That’s an understatement. 

Jericho comes out, to what Tony calls “rousing applause”, which is more apt to describing the end of a theatre show or something. 

Mike Enos Vs. Chris Jericho

Enos wants to shake Jericho’s hand. Don’t do it, don’t do it...

Idiot.

Match goes back and forth, but ends in a weird way. Enos attempts a powerslam...

But Jericho kind of reverses it into a weak looking takedown...

But apparently that’s enough for the win. 1, 2, 3, Jericho wins. Not sure I’ve ever seen a powerslam reversal before, but based on how shitty this looked that’s probably for the best.

Chris Jericho defeats Mike Enos via pinfall.

Goldberg’s music hits.

But he’s still utilising his previous gimmick as a kung fu master named Pat Tanaka. Shaving his head made a world of difference.

The lights go out, a blue hue descends upon the arena, so that can only mean...

Sub Shredder.

Tony talks about Glacier’s bullshit backstory as if it actually happened. Both Tony and Larry claim it is “literally” snowing in here, which is a blatant lie. Glacier may be a ninja or whatever, but he can’t control the fucking weather. Larry also claims he’s a black belt. Maybe that’s true, but I don’t trust him.

Pat Tanaka Vs. Glacier

These two weirdos circle each other for a while, as the arena lighting remains a pale shade of blue.

An epic showdown. Tanaka attempts a karate chop, but Glacier takes him down with a palm strike. Tanaka then attempts a kick, but he evidently hasn’t played Mortal Kombat, as Glacier counters with Sub Zero’s classic leg sweep.

Tanaka decides to say fuck this martial arts bullshit, and instead just hits Glacier with a sitdown powerbomb. It has little effect, as Glacier gets to his feet and executes a spinning side kick.

Tanaka is down for the count, and this one is over. I am disappointed we didn’t see the Cryonic Kick here. I guess Glacier didn’t hit the correct button combination for his fatality. Oh well.

Glacier defeats Pat Tanaka via pinfall.

Glacier poses in the ring. Larry suggests the nWo are going to recruit Glacier. Just fucking lol at that. I’m sure Hogan and crew have been very impressed with Glacier beating The Gambler, Big Bubba and Pat Tanaka. Sign that man up before he slips away. 

Back from the break and we get a shot of this dude.

Matt Ghaffari. Apparently a silver medalist at the 1996 Olympics. Didn’t win the gold medal with a broken freakin’ neck though, did he? Also, and I’m not trying to be a dick here, but it looks like somebody photoshopped his face to move the eyes and nose slightly higher than they should be. Just saying. Larry calls Ghaffari a “loser” who “couldn’t even win gold”. I’d like to see you try, Larry. Tony actually does call Larry out on this, asking him how many olympic medals he has. Larry claims he wasn’t allowed into the olympics because he was “too mean”. Yeah, OK. Tony laughs at this.

Ugh. Noooooo.

Larry says that Public Enemy - who are carrying a table to ringside, as usual - have “found a loophole” where if you bring a “foreign object” to ringside, but leave it outside the ring, you can use it outside the ring with no consequence. What shit is he chatting? If you bring a knife to ringside and then stab somebody with it you’re going to get disqualified whether you’re in the ring or not. Well, actually, you’re going to get a lot more than disqualified... but anyway, Larry is talking nonsense as usual.

Alright, the Heat. Now this is a bit better, but I really wish they weren’t accompanied by that dicksplash Col. Parker. Booker comes out yelling that the Heat “are going to hurt somebody”. if only it was that buttwipe behind you wearing the stupid hat.

Harlem Heat (w/Sister Sherri, Col. Parker) Vs. Public Enemy

 As soon as the bell rings, Stevie Ray chucks Grunge out of the ring. He and Booker then double team Rocco, sending him into the corner and then levelling him with a double boot to the chops.

Their advantage doesn’t last for long, though as Grunge dives off the top rope and hits the Heat with a double clothesline.

Crazy start to the match. Is this a tornado tag? Everyone is in the ring and once and Patrick is just letting it go. Then again, this is WCW, where rules are known to be somewhat fluid. 

Grunge is very pumped up after hitting the double clothesline. He jumps up and starts swivelling his hips like he’s got an invisible hula hoop. The crowd have zero reaction to this. Stevie Ray and Grunge do now get onto the apron, making this a proper tag team match.

After some back and forth, Booker attempts a side kick but somehow ends up straddling the ropes, after which Grunge proceeds to shake them, further increasing the pressure on Booker’s testicles.

Patrick gives Grunge a disapproving finger wag. Grunge ignores him.

The match really isn’t much to write home about. However, all of a sudden...

We move to split screen, so that we can see the nWo arriving. For some reason the Giant is also dressed like a waiter tonight. Did somebody rib Tony and Giant into thinking it was food server fancy dress tonight or something?

Larry suggests they lock the doors to keep them out. Sure, or just, you know, hire actual security to make sure the nWo don’t come in. I appreciate WCW isn’t exactly great when it comes to forward planning, but still. Tony says that if the doors were locked the nWo would just break in, and then says we’ve already seen them smash car windows. Have we? The only person I remember doing that was Sting, when he chucked a giant fucking boulder through the nWo’s limo window. Still can’t get over that. 

Larry says of the nWo “they’re organised, we’ve got Randy Savage who is confused”. Harsh, but ultimately a fair statement. Tony calls the nWo “vandals”, which... yeah, sure, but so what? 

Meanwhile back at the match, Booker attempts a Harlem Hangover but misses.

Next, Booker rolls Rocco into a small package.

Rocco then adjusts so that Booker’s shoulders are on the mat.

Let’s be clear - you can see from this image that it is literally impossible for Rocco’s shoulders to be on the mat. He is laying on his side. Booker meanwhile is on his back. Patrick counts the three, and for some reason both men run to the corners celebrating victory.

Also Harlem Heat’s music starts playing. Dafuq. You all saw that still image I posted - there’s no ambiguity there about who was pinning who. 

Patrick, completely correctly, calls a Public Enemy win. The music changes from Harlem heat to Public Enemy. Why was Heat’s music playing in the first place? Anyway, Harlem Heat along with Sherri and Parker are furious, ganging up on Patrick.

Even though he has absolutely made the right call here. 

Public Enemy are, incredibly, new tag team champs. God only knows why this decision was made. I do like the ECW sign being held up as Rocco holds the belts up. Well captured, albeit probably totally unintentional. 

Grunge celebrates in front of this old woman, who looks at him like he’s a fucking dirtbag. 

Bruh, what is this shirt. If you paid anything more than $0 for this you were ripped off.

Public Enemy def. Harlem Heat via Pinfall to win the Tag Team Titles. 

 We come back from a commercial break to... this.

When you buy Arn Anderson off wish.com.

Fireworks go off as we begin hour number two.

We also switch to Bischoff, Tenay and Heenan on commentary.

I really liked WCW’s entranceway. Very cool design. 

That’s not so cool. At least Valentino isn’t with him this week. I like how Valentine’s entrance music is just a bunch of heavy guitar riffs. Doesn’t suit him at all. With that said, I’m not sure what would suit him. At this point in time probably just not wrestling.

The crowd pops big for everyone’s favourite lunatic, the Macho man. Gee, I wonder who’s going to win this one?

Greg “the hammer” Valentine Vs. “Macho Man” Randy Savage

Macho starts off strong with some punches in the corner, but the hammer manages to take Macho down with a back elbow. His butt is jiggling all over the place and it’s gross. No picture, I refuse.

The announcers talk about how everybody is in Japan, so Macho is on his own. Except, that isn’t true, is it? There are still plenty of WCW personnel around. Just because the big names aren’t here doesn’t mean Harlem Heat, Public Enemy, the Dungeon, Jericho, Pat Tanaka, Glacier... okay, actually never mind.

Valentine drops an elbow straight onto Macho’s dick and balls. Brutal. The crowd are like “ohhhh” and Mark Curtis is like...

Uh...

Anyway, Valentine decides now he’s going to put his face down there too.

This is just getting disturbing now.

So, Bischoff informs us that Super Calo dislocated his elbow earlier and is going to the hospital. Wait, what? Super Calo? What bullshit is this. Well I just checked and apparently Calo and Rey Mysterio had a dark match before the show went on the air for the cruiserweight title.

Alright, to quote Lex Luger, I’m pissed now. You showed fucking Glacier Vs. Pat Tanaka, Jericho Vs Mike Enos, The Dungeon Vs. Juvi and Brad Armstrong, but you left REY MYSTERIO AND SUPER FUCKING CALO OFF THE SHOW? YOU FUCKERS. I’m incensed. Especially as Calo apparently did something so crazy that he actually injured himself. Recalling his match against Konnan, I’m not surprised, but I can only imagine what he did to hurt himself. Dude bounced around like he was made of rubber or something. Regardless, I’ll never know, because WCW hate their fans. FUCK.

Anyway, Macho is on the guardrail, with Valentine chopping his chest...

And the fans behind him are just laughing. That’s not nice. Also, I must stress again, that dude’s shirt... what, the, fuck. Did he wake up and think “I want to look like ice cream sprinkles today?”

Bischoff says “ambulances have circled the building” in anticipation of the nWo seriously hurting someone. Could have, I don’t know, called the police instead? And I don’t mean the band. It seems a bit defeatist to have multiple ambulances on standby. Also...

For some reason Tony and Larry’s stupid little area is still set up. Wouldn’t it make sense to take that stuff away? 

More fashion nightmares here - and I have to reiterate, I am no fashion guru, but I despair that people think it’s okay to exit their houses wearing stuff like this. Have some respect for yourself, broskis. The guy on the left looks like the loading screen for a Commodore 64. 

To be honest, Savage has spent pretty much the entire match being schooled (very slowly) by Valentine. He basically has had enough, so he just picks up a chair and cracks Valentine over the head with it.

Lol. 

Referee doesn’t call for the bell. OK? Savage gets up onto the top rope and slams the chair over Valentine’s head again.

NOW the ref calls for the bell. Hold on, does that mean Larry was right earlier? That if you use a weapon outside of the ring it’s fine, but do it inside the ring and it’s game over? The fuck, man. Why not just throw your opponent outside, smack him with a chair for a few seconds and then roll him back inside then? What bullshit. Especially when, technically, in WCW it’s a DQ if you throw your opponent over the top rope. Now, I know they rarely actually adhere to that rule, but still...

Throw somebody over the top rope = DQ

Smash somebody in the head with a chair outside of the ring = No problem

Yeah, sure. Whatever. I don’t even care anymore. 

Savage grabs Mark Curtis and tosses him over the top rope. The nWo come out and begin attacking the Macho Man.

Just to be clear, though... the guy who just got himself disqualified by waffling his opponent over the head with a steel chair and who then assaulted the ref is the good guy here. Sure.

Valentine just gets out of the ring and leaves. Lmao. I mean, you can’t really blame him. Savage just smacked him across the head with a chair twice. No reason for Greg to help him out. 

Macho gets hit with the Outsider’s Edge.

Such a cool move. 

Liz appears, for some reason looking concerned. She then runs off into the backstage area. Pointless.

Why would she care, anyway? She’s spent the last however many months being Ric Flair’s FWB and laughing about spending the money Macho was forced to give her from the divorce. Now she’s worried about him?

You may think, well, it’ll be explained eventually. All will become clear. 

No. It’s never explained. She just likes Savage again now.

Lmao. Seriously, what is the Giant wearing? Is he their car valet or something?

Savage takes a jackknife powerbomb. The crowd is now pelting the ring with garbage. 

Giant grabs the mic to introduce “the man and the myth, the man to be with, the all-time greatest professional wrestler in the world. A man who made professional wrestling what it is today. A man who knows no limits. The financial backbone of the nWo. The largest arms in the world. The one, the only, Hollywoooooooooooood Hogaaaaaaaannnnn.”

OK. I thought DiBiase was the financial backbone of the nWo? 

Here comes the Hollywood Hulkster. 

The Giant struts and woos like Ric Flair, whilst Hogan hits a leg drop on Savage.

Tenay says WCW medical staff have sent a gurney to ringside for Macho. Lmao. Wow, nice. Good job. Why not send security instead?

Hogan delivers a second leg drop, then Nash starts whipping Savage with a Slim Jim. Not gonna lie, that made me chuckle.

Yo, that’s a sick shirt. What’s up with all the nWo/Terminator crossover shirts though? I mean, they’re cool, I just don’t get it.

Hogan says something about being blinded by the lights shining off “the Nacho Man’s bald head”. Glass houses, Hulk. Bischoff actually says “what does he see when he looks in the mirror?” - hah. 

Hogan then spraypaints over Macho’s bald spot. It’s kind of funny that WCW are trying to sell this as a serious thing, but whipping Macho with a slim jim and spraypainting his bald spot is just hilarious af. Sorry Macho. 

Hall and Nash leave the ring and head towards the announce booth. Smartly, Heenan legs it, as Bischoff stands up and repeats “wait a minute, wait a minute”. 

Nash shoves Bischoff back into his seat and threatens to punch him.

Nash continues to violently threaten Bischoff, as Hall puts Easy E’s headset back on and tells him to do his job, and do it well. Good advice. Hall also puts a headset on. 

The whole crew are here. Except for the Giant. I guess his shift break was over. 

You can’t help but laugh at this. WCW had a week to prepare for this, the nWo made it clear what they were going to do, and still... this is the end result. No security, no police, no wrestlers acting as muscle. Nothing. They have ambulances circling the building though, so... yeah. If you need to get to the hospital you’re good. Seriously though, they had the bright idea of using jobbers for security literally only weeks ago, then totally abandoned the idea. Why? I get that it must have been crazy boring and the wrestlers aren’t actually paid to be security – but in kayfabe, why did they stop doing this?

The Giant joins the fun as Bischoff presses his head against the desk. Nash pulls him back up and wraps his arm around Bischoff’s shoulders. Hall then announces the newest member of the nWo - Vincent.

Otherwise known as Virgil. And yes, they called him Vincent to poke fun at Vincent Kennedy McMahon. However, I will give this a pass as Vince called him “Virgil” to make fun of Dusty Rhodes. Turnaround is fair play and all of that. The crowd chants “Virgil”, as Virgil/Vincent grabs Bischoff by the hair and yanks his head around. Looks painful.

Bischoff says “we gotta take a break”. The Giant says “why you wanna get broke?” and laughs. Doesn’t even make sense. Don’t quit your day job, bro.

Time for an nWo announcement. It’s just a brief advert for the t-shirt with Hall, Nash and the Giant. 

Hall welcomes us back to “the first ever nWo Monday Nitro”. The actual first nWo nitro will come later, and it won’t be good.

For some reason Hall and Nash are just chatting shit about taking over the NBA, the NFL and Nascar. Good luck. Those companies actually hire security and know who the police are.

Now an nWo car has come out.

I have no idea what is going on.

Bischoff announces we’ve got Jim Powers vs VK Wallstreet coming up. Does he want people to switch channels? Nash calls Powers “a fine young athlete” and Hall says of Wallstreet “what a businessman”. Yeah, all successful businessmen I know have dollar signs emblazoned on their jackets. That’s a sign of class.

Turns out Giant is dressed up like a waiter because he’s going to be the ring announcer going forward. OK. 

“The following contest is against Jim Powers and M. Wallstreet” - literally fucks up the first sentence. Bad start. Also, M Wallstreet? What happened to VK? Oh, btw, the VK was also meant to be a dig at Vince (VK = Vincent Kennedy) but now they’ve dropped it for M... which might as well stand for Mickey Mouse. Maybe they felt they could only have one character as a rib on Vinnie Mac.

Out comes the king of the jobbers, and Teddy Long, who Nash refers to as “peanut head”. Nash also comments that Long is “putting on the poundage”. I mean, he’s not wrong. Nash and Hall also basically make jokes about Jim Powers being on steroids. Not exactly been helping him so far if he is.

M. Wallstreet arrives, looking like a million yen. That’s about £6000, and I’m being generous. 

Jim “Jobber” Powers (w/Peanut Head) Vs. M. Wallstreet

Seriously though, what did any of us do to deserve this match?

  Hall and Nash say “they’re going to get a closer look at this one”, which doesn’t bode well.

Wallstreet meanwhile is looking rough. I guess his stocks are down or something. Bro needs a really, really long nap.

Most of the nWo guys leave the announce desk, but DiBiase and Vincent remain with Bischoff. DiBiase calls Vincent “the CEO of security”. Has such a position ever existed anywhere?

Meanwhile, Hall and Nash have wandered down to the ring and started beating the shit out of Powers on the outside.

This is a new low for Lord Jobberlot. This week he gets beaten down before the match even begins. Sad. Who is that dude on the far left? He’s just standing there chilling whilst the Outsiders murk Jimbo. Seriously, could he look any more casual if he tried? It’s like he’s waiting in line for a soda or something.

There’s also a hot girl standing at ringside who for some reason seems very happy about this situation.

On the far right. Hard to tell from the picture but she isn’t part of the crowd, she’s standing in front of the guardrail beaming like it’s her wedding day or something. Can’t help but wonder if Jimbo did the dirty on this poor girl. It’s either that or she has a fetish for watching men and/or Jim Powers getting beaten up. Maybe she’s in charge of booking him. 

It’s all too much for Randy Anderson.

“This ain’t dubya-cee-dubya, I’m having no part of this” he states as he removes his bowtie and exits the ring. The statement heard around the world.

Giant gets in the ring and announces some shit which amounts to himself being the new opponent for Powers. What happened to Wallstreet by the way? He’s just vanished into thin air. Oh well, no fucks were given. Nick Patrick meanwhile comes out to officiate, which I suppose puts an end to the ambiguity regarding his crooked referee status. Although in typical WCW fashion the whole thing was about as subtle as a sledgehammer being smashed into your ballsack.

Giant winds up for the chokeslam, but as he puts his hand around Powers’ neck…

El Jobber Fantastico literally just falls to the mat. He’s been so conditioned to job that he skips past the actual finish and just falls down to be pinned. Sad. It actually looked like one of those glitches on the old PS1 wrestling games, where the frames drop and you skip most of the finishing move. I hated it when that happened. Giant looks confused for a moment, then reaches down and grabs Jim’s neck again, hauling him up…

And slamming him down.

You may notice we’ve gone to splitscreen. Why? Because apparently WCW thinks it’s a good idea to show Hogan spraypainting the walls of the arena. No, I’m not kidding.

What a rebel. This is a guy in his forties, by the way. A guy who has two kids. Going around tagging walls like a street thug. How cool. Fucking boomer.

Hogan sings “hooray for Hollywooood” in a really weird voice that makes this scene even less cool. 

Hogan starts chatting with the Nasty Boys – who cares? He gives them the key to his hotel suite and tells them to pop the champagne corks, saying he wants to talk business with them. Find better business partners. He also hands Knobbs the WCW Heavyweight title to take back to the hotel room. The sight of Knobbs with the strap makes me feel despondency in a way I can’t describe, so I’m not even going to show a screenshot of that.

Hogan gurns at the camera and continues to sing “hooray for Hollywood”. Words cannot do justice in describing how fucking irritating he sounds.

Bruh, just stop it already.

We go to a break, and come back to this.

Bischoff reflecting how I’m feeling, watching Hogan behave like the biggest fucking dork in existence. He’s wearing Macho Man’s hat now. He looks like a dicksplash.

Jim Duggan’s music starts playing. Oh lord, why is this just getting worse? Those poor fans. Just shitty match after shitty match. They aren’t even seeing the majority of the nWo stuff going on.

Oh, I guess the Powers Vs Wallstreet/Giant match ended? Or did it even begin? I don’t know.

Jim Powers’ match ended with him jobbing to the entire nWo.

Anyhow, let’s see what riveting television is about to occur with everyone’s favourite patriotic dunce making an appearance.

As Duggan comes out, the Giant announces “Jim Duggan versus Ron Studd” – bro, how are you this bad at ring announcing? You’re supposed to announce people as they enter, not both competitors at once.

Duggan comes out screaming “HOOOOO”. Terrifying.

Before Ron Studd enters, Hall repeats three times that “he’s a comer”. I don’t know what that means exactly, but it sounds worryingly sexual.

The Vanilla Gorilla waddles out, pointing at Duggan whilst muttering something incomprehensible. He looks a bit deranged.

Before Studd can get to the ring, Hogan walks in front of him and shakes his hand.

Studd appears utterly baffled as Hogan speaks, like the human language itself is beyond his ability to grasp.

Hogan and Nash then start beating down The Super Giant Ninja.

Small personal story, but I have a very vivid memory of watching this from when I was a kid. For some reason it’s a scene that stuck with me. Only one problem – I don’t exactly remember it happening this way. I have a very clear memory of Studd standing on the top of the entrance ramp, the camera behind him. Hall and Nash then attack Studd as he turns around. I am somewhat sure this is the only time our beloved Vanilla Gorilla got attacked by the nWo, however, so I guess we put it down to the Mandela effect. Or my brain having a shitty memory. Probably that one, actually. Hogan jabs Studd with a hilariously weak chair shot to the neck area. The nWo theme plays and Hall calls it “the soundtrack to your favourite adult movie”.

For what it’s worth, I’m not sure we can be too harsh on Hollywood here. Let’s not forget that Studd was the infamous Yetay, who dry-humped Hogan into oblivion at Halloween Havoc ’95. You could argue Mr Studd had this coming. A long overdue receipt from the Hulkster. Justified.

Syxx is announced as Hacksaw’s new opponent, and he’s standing on the turnbuckle preparing to have a battle of wits with the man built like an overweight fridge.

I mean, it’s a bit of an upgrade from Duggan Vs Studd… but no matter who the opponent, a match with Duggan has a ceiling. Shawn Michaels in his heyday might manage a two star match at best. He’d probably get a three star out of a match with Duggan’s 2x4. By that I mean his stick of wood. Uh, wait, I mean… oh fuck it, you know what I mean, get your minds out of the gutter.

“Hacksaw” Jim Duggan Vs Syxx

Hacksaw gets a “USA” chant going and tries to whack Syxx and then Patrick with his massive piece of wood. Unfortunately he misses both targets, who scramble to the outside.

As Duggan is distracted trying to whomp Patrick with his plank, Syxx sneaks up behind and attacks.

Patrick giving MJ a run for his money with those moves. SHAMONE.

Duggan dominates the early stages.

Check out this homemade nWo shirt in the crowd.

I mean, it’s a better effort than the guy who literally wrote “nWo” on a white shirt with marker pen, but still… the actual merch was out by now. Have some respect for yourself bro.

Syxx is saved by the Giant, who pulls Duggan out to ringside and gives him this awkward looking chokeslam on the ring mats.

Yeah, Duggan is so thicc that Giant actually has to wrap his other arm around Hacksaw’s torso. The “chokeslam” is almost as bad as the one Rick Steiner took some time back. Almost.

Giant rolls Duggan into the ring, and Syxx pins for the win. Not exactly what you’d call a showcase match for Syxx.

Syxx defeats “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan via pinfall.

Hogan, DiBiase and Vincent continue to bully Bischoff at the announce booth. DiBiase has said to Bischoff more than once “if you can’t beat them, join them”, or some variant. Foreshadowing? Maybe, but I don’t think I can bring myself to believe WCW were thinking that far ahead.

After a WCW Magazine advert which promises an interview with Glacier - get fucked - Sting’s entrance music hits.

Apparently the car is called “nWo Sting”. OK. Were they so desperate to get this name graphic up that they couldn’t wait five seconds for the wrestler to come out of the entranceway?

New World Order’s “we have Sting at home” comes out slapping hands with the WCW faithful. Bischoff calls him a cheap knock off, etc. I’m surprised he even recognises that this is an imposter. I was expecting that Bischoff would start crying about Sting defecting again.”Only a sucker would fall for it, and yes, WCW fell for it”, says Bischoff. I mean – where’s the lie? – but way to bury yourself and everyone else in WCW. “Never again”. Yeah, we’ll see about that chief.

The bell rings and nWo Sting lets out a lame “wooooo”.

There’s some big bald guy in the ring who, from behind, looks like a slightly slimmer Otis. He didn’t get an introduction and I don’t know who he is. To the internet…

Bo LeDeau. Bo LeDeau. Who the fuck is Bo LeDeau?

nWo Sting Vs. Bo LeDeau

Bo gets beaten in around a minute. Thanks for coming. I don’t think we ever see him again in WCW or anywhere else. On the basis of this match I guess that’s for the best. The crowd chant “we want Sting”. Well, instead you got fucking Bo.

nWo Sting defeats Bo LeDouche via submission.

Another pathetic match on what has been a largely pathetic night for actual wrestling. We got this fucking nonsense and missed out on Rey Mysterio Jr Vs Super Calo, in a match where Calo went so crazy he actually injured himself. Life fucking sucks.

DANGER, HIGH VOLTAGE, says the arena speakers as Kaos and Rage come out, flailing around like they’ve just dropped a ton of speed, as always.

Kaos yells at the camera that High Voltage are “high on life”. On life. Yeah, sure.

Their opponents…

You have got to be shitting me. This is the main event of the show for fuck’s sake. THE MAIN EVENT IS HIGH VOLTAGE VERSUS THE AMAZING FRENCH FUCKING CANADIANS. How was WWE losing the ratings war to this? Seriously, how? What the fuck did they have on their show that was so bad that this bullshit was the better option?

High Voltage Vs The Amazing French Canadians

I’m begging for the nWo guys to come down and hand out another beating. Please.

Bald spot asks for everyone to stand up and sing the Canadian national anthem.

Yes, thank god. Here come the lads to save us from this fucking atrocity. “Those are our boys” says Hollywood on commentary. Agreed. No wonder the nWo became babyfaces if they were breaking up shit matches like this. They were doing us all a favour.

Sadly the Amazing French Canadians do not take a beating – instead they just leave, and Hall and Nash take their places. That’s fine too, I guess.

High Voltage Vs The Outsiders

Total domination from start to finish by the Outsiders. It ends with Kaos taking a powerbomb.

Embarrassing effort from Rage and Kaos. Low Voltage.

The Outsiders defeat High Voltage via pinfall.

We go back to the announce desk, where the boys are just chatting shit as Bischoff looks on in despair.

They replay the Macho Man getting destroyed whilst Hogan calls him “bald spot”. Stealing my lines.

The show ends with Hogan plugging his next movie, The Three Ninjas, which I wouldn’t advise going out of your way to see. It does lead to something pretty hilarious in WCW’s future, but we’ll get there.

The shows ends with DiBiase laughing maniacally, Vincent bullying Bischoff and Hogan flexing his muscles. Magical.

Look, I know the nWo invasion was new and exciting at the time, but man… I feel sorry for this crowd. What a show to sit through. At least they were given a glimmer of hope with Rey Vs Calo before it all turned to shit. We didn’t even get to see that. Just to confirm, these were the matches tonight:

The Dungeon of Doom Vs Juventud Guerrera and Brad Armstrong Chris Jericho Vs Mike Enos Glacier Vs Pat Tanaka Public Enemy Vs Harlem Heat Greg Valentine Vs Randy Savage The Giant Vs Jim “Jobber” Powers Syxx Vs Jim Duggan nWo Sting Vs Bo LeFuckingDeau The Outsiders Vs High Voltage

Alright everyone, let’s GOOOOOO!

This week we get to see where we’re broadcasting from. I guess Asheville, NC isn’t as embarrassing to WCW as the Columbus Civic Center in Georgia. 

First thing to note, Tony and Larry actually look disappointingly normal here. Neither of them are wearing anything horrendous for once, which is good for them but sad for me. 

Tony says he has “bad news to report”, that the nWo won War Games. Larry goes a step further and calls it “horrible news” as we get some still images from the PPV main event. Larry says “if we trusted Sting, like I said, we would have won”. Was Larry actually an advocate for Sting in the past couple of weeks? I can’t really remember. I think the Sting “betrayal” segments happened whilst Bischoff, Tenay and Heenan were at the booth, so I don’t think we got to hear Larry’s take on things. With that said he probably would have talked about ancient empires of gold or some other bollocks and made no sense anyway. 

Look at this kid’s face in this PPV still shot... this child is fucking ANGRY. He looks possessed. No wonder Hogan’s face is like “what the fuck”.   

After running through the ending of War Games, with the nWo winning, Savage getting beaten up as usual and Liz getting her dress spraypainted by the nWo, Tony decides it’s time to make an on-air apology to Sting. He notes that they all thought he was the newest member of the nWo but “he obviously was in Japan, we should have known this.”

I don’t even know what to say to that. Nobody in WCW knew Sting was in fucking JAPAN? Bischoff is the President of the Company and was on commentary bemoaning Sting’s betrayal - HOW COULD THE PRESIDENT OF THE COMPANY NOT HAVE KNOWN STING WAS IN FUCKING JAPAN? Let alone his supposed “best friend” Luger. Are you seriously telling me literally nobody in WCW knew this information? It blows my mind how utterly stupid this is.

Larry says it’s too late for apologies - is it? - and that Sting is a “sensitive man” and should get a job working for Mother Teresa. Keep in mind this “sensitive man” tried to murder somebody by throwing a rock through a limo window and stole a police car literally two weeks ago, but yeah, sure, Mother Teresa would surely be thrilled to have Sting show up to work for her. Anyway, Larry is not sympathetic at all. Frankly if I’m Sting I’d be more worried that the people I’m working with and working for are so incompetent and dumb that they got themselves into a frenzy about my supposed betrayal (on national TV no less) despite the fact I was in Japan on company business. 

Nonetheless, we get a shot of these fellows handing out nWo flyers at the arena entrance. WCW, for some reason, think it’s a good idea to show the audience this. Also is it me or does that guy in the middle look a bit like a long-lost relative of Bret Hart?

4 minutes into the show and we get to our opening bout...

Tony notes that at Fall Brawl Juvi almost became the Mexican Heavyweight champion, but tonight he’s facing...

Rey, the Cruiserweight champion. Are the weight designations for Mexico vastly different to the US? Why is Juvi challenging for a heavyweight championship one night and the cruiserweight title the next? Oh well, who cares.

Rey Mysterio Jr (C) Vs. Juventud Guerrera

This should be an awesome match. Let’s see.

Mark Curtis and his moustache give us a nice look at the belt before the match gets underway. Curtis’ expression here kind of looks like he’s being forced into doing so. He looks strangely vulnerable. Whatever.

Tony once again starts apologising to Sting and says the nWo “fooled us”. I mean, honestly Tony, you kind of fooled yourself. The nWo just brought out some dude in a somewhat decent Sting cosplay and you instantly bought it as being legit, despite Sting himself being in Japan. This is not on the nWo, it’s on you and the idiots surrounding you. Tony also notes he incorrectly accused Flair of being a part of the nWo recently as well. 0/2 in terms of accusations so far. This is how shit like the Salem Witch trials happen, and Tony simply says “it’s paranoid times” as if that excuses him going around accusing co-workers of stabbing everybody in the back. Tony, an apology isn’t enough here, you need to speak to somebody about this compulsion to blame people for things that haven’t even happened yet.

Rey gets Juvi into this odd position. The kid on the far left is extremely amused by this. Not sure what Rey is going for here as he carries Juvi around awkwardly for a while before Juvi just kind of rolls off Rey’s back and hits him with a DDT.

Spiked.

Tony lists the likes of Super Calo and Hugh Morrus (humorous, get it?) being in action later as if a single person in the entire world would give a shit. They also hype Glacier going up against Big Bubba... wow, can’t wait for that one. 

Mostly back and forth between Rey and Juvi, not many Lucha things going on though. Mostly just your standard stuff. After chopping Rey down to the mat, Juvi looks out to the audience and yells “yeah!” - this is responded to with boos for some reason.

Also the two guys in the bottom left stand up and both give Juvi the thumbs down and throw middle fingers at him. Harsh. It’s funny because Juvi hasn’t been portrayed as a heel, but since he bombed in that interview segment with Okerlund a few weeks ago people have apparently decided Juvi is a dicksplash. Gene strikes again.

WCW decides to go to a break just as the fun lucha stuff starts happening, with Rey leaping off the top rope onto Juvi on the floor...

We come back from the break with Juvi in control. Juvi tries to play to the crowd again and once again gets roundly booed. He just nods as if they’re cheering wildly. I guess that’s all you can do. 

Juvi comes flying off the middle-rope with a moonsault onto the outside...

Nicely done.

Larry says something that I simply don’t understand.

“I don’t think those high risks are necessary. If you’re gonna use them, play the human game of chess in mid-air (???), once you get the man down, bring in down to sea level (???)”

The fuck are you talking about Larry. 

Hurricanrana from Juvi.

Suddenly Tony says there’s a “celebration” going on outside, and they decide this is more important than a match for the cruiserweight title.

Not even the nWo guys, just some random scrubs holding up signs. I’m also not sure how this quantifies as a “celebration”. It looks more like a picket line. This appears to be more of a protest than a celebration. Where is the champers? The babes? The loud hip-hop music? Celebration my arse.

Then we cut back to the ring...

JHC what is going on here? Somehow Juvi is powerbombing Rey from the top turnbuckle. How did this happen? We don’t know because WCW felt it more important to show a bunch of losers standing outside with nWo placards.

You know what’s even crazier? Rey turns this into a fucking hurricanrana!

Holy smokes, as Tony would say. That looked incredible. 

These dudes are going crazy for this, as they should.

Rey pins and gets the win off that move. Not a great match, but pretty good, and that ending was sweet af.

Rey Mysterio Jr (C) defeats Juventud Guerrera via pinfall.

So, we now go to the back for an interview segment with the sad sacks of the Horsemen, Mongo and Benoit, along with Debra, but...

What the hell? No Gene? Instead Mike Tenay appears to have stolen his job. Is Gene in Japan?

Okay, so I just looked into this apparently Gene’s contract with WCW has actually legitimately expired at this point, and he won’t be back until November. Are you fucking serious? Gene had the most screen time of anybody in the company up until this point, and they let his contract expire? Why have him in a thousand segments a week if you weren’t planning to renew his contract?

I’m kind of sad now because, as much as I jokingly rag on Gene-O, he does make things interesting with his shit-stirring. I doubt Tenay is going to have the same ability to be an entertaining douche, but I guess we’ll see. 

 Oh, shirts hanging out of the lockers, as per.

Tenay says that Mongo and Benoit’s presence was “missed” at War Games - Benoit yes, Mongo probably not so much. 

Mongo and Debra point at the camera as they speak.

Mongo tells Luger to find Sting and “beg him to come back and get in this match”. What? Is Mongo expecting Luger to build a time machine out of a microwave and a 1990s cell phone, jump into the past and convince Sting to actually compete in War Games? The match is over Mongo, convincing Sting to be a part of it now wouldn’t really achieve anything, would it?

Debra warns Luger and Sting to watch out, because Mongo had a 15 year career in the NFL “by beating up pumped up little bullies like you guys”. Doesn’t seem like an accurate description of either Lex or Sting honestly. 

Tenay notes that in hour two it’s going to be Mongo and Benoit versus Luger and Sting. This is the first they’ve mentioned this. Shouldn’t they have mentioned this match instead of going on about Super Calo, Humorous, Glacier and Big Bubba? For fuck’s sake.

Anyhow, Tenay switches to Benoit for comments. Benoit gets promo time every week, and I swear he’s getting worse rather than better. For some reason he tries to use big words even though he often stumbles over them, and likes to repeat words in quick succession too.

  “We prophesised that Sting and Lex would debilitate the team. You crossed the path, you crossed the Horsemen’s path, that path is merciless, unforgivefil (??)...” -pause, upon realising he’s fucked up another word, then dramatically points at the camera- 

“PREPARE YOURSELF to pay the price”

Mongo screams as Tenay throws back to the ring.

Debra is smiling but it seems forced. Tenay looks like he’s trying not to burst out laughing.  

Some hardcore WCW fans in the front row here. Plus this guy behind them who kind of looks like a long-lost relative of Lex Luger.

What’s up with the long-lost relatives showing up this week?

Oh and Eminem is here too.

They show a Glacier vignette, but this one delves into his entire, incredible backstory. It goes on for minutes, and considering how quickly they dropped interest in the Glacier gimmick it makes you wonder what the point of all this is. But then, what’s the point in life as a whole? 

Anyhow, Narrated by the man himself, “Glacier is a spirit that lives inside of me. The name Glacier was given to me by my master. It’s an appreciation for the elements, the awesome strength and power that derive from the elements” - just got to note this would work a lot better if Glacier didn’t sound like some random redneck. Anyway... he says he wanted to study martial ats because of Bruce Lee. Never heard that one before. Glacier travelled to Japan and says he “found an old master”, although doesn’t explain how, and says that master took him in as a student.

I assume Glacier didn’t speak any Japanese at this point, so it’s hard to believe this really happened, but sure, let’s pretend some random white guy from Georgia one day decided to say fuck everything, flew over to Japan and stumbled upon an old guy who just happened to be a martial arts master. Totally plausible story.

“I was very happy to let him become my sensei, which in Japanese means... teacher”. Fucking weeb. Also the way he’s talking is really weird and stunted, like he’s reading off a teleprompter that’s scrolling at an extremely slow speed.

Glacier says he’s taken the best of martial arts and the best of wrestling to develop a style that is “superior”. Pft. We’ll see how that works out for you. Glacier explains how Japanese symbols work like the fucking weeb he is, and then we see his “shield”.

Looks like Brian Knobbs.Glacier claims it’s the Japanese “face of evil”. Glacier says his name means “a mass of moving ice” and that’s what he is, a mass moving towards whoever his opponent is. Sounds like a better way to describe John Tenta, honestly, but yeah, OK. He says he’ll conquer his opponent at any cost - “as long as it’s within the rules” - not any cost then. 

That was so cringey. Let’s move on.

CHOO CHOOOO... here comes the Train! My man.

Along with the “godfather”, of course. 

The announcers are still talking about Sting’s hurt feelings, and Larry seriously says “now that his precious feelings are hurt can Luger trust him?” ... I just... I don’t even... fucking stop with the accusations you absolute buttwipes. Have you not learned your lesson? To be fair to Tony, he thinks Sting can be trusted. At least one of them learned something.

The Train’s opponent is DDP, who for some reason didn’t get a televised entrance. 

Ice Train (w/ Teddy Long) Vs. DDP (w/ no entrance)

Interestingly there’s a small “DDP” chant early on. 

Rather than discuss the match, the commentators as usual talk about the nWo and how they are working well as a unit. Larry says WCW just has “finger pointing, suspicion and paranoia”. Well, considering you just said Sting couldn’t be trusted, you’re contributing to that, aren’t you Larry? Larry also notes that Okerlund is gone, and Tony says he “just left” - no, his contract expired. They make it sound like Gene just walked out. 

Train dominates the early going, throwing DDP down like a child and then tossing him out of the ring a few times.  DDP is able to swing the momentum into his favour. He attempts a diamond cutter early on, but Train shoves him away and hits a belly-to-belly suplex. For some reason DDP gets up first from this, and whilst Train is on his knees kicks him in the chest. No effect though, as Train starts to Hulk up with some gimmick infringement.

Cool sweater bro. Rocking the ‘Bumblebee Man’ look.

Train is dominating, which for some reason prompts Long to get up on the apron.

Patrick seems very upset for some reason.

The nWo frat boys are now blockading the WCW merchandise stand. Is this a part of their ‘celebration’ ? 

As we’re being shown this, the bell starts ringing randomly. Tony says “we have a 1, 2, 3″ ... BUT WE DIDN’T SEE IT? Why would they be showing this nWo bullshit instead of the ending to the match? Tony says Ice Train has the win, but then when we cut back we see this:

Patrick holding a white towel, whilst Train and Long look angry. Tony says he has no idea what is going on. Larry says Train had DDP in a full nelson but “the towel came flying in”. So there was no pinfall? Why did Tony say so if there wasn’t? He’s literally sitting at ringside, how could he not have known this? 

Now we’re being told DDP grabbed the towel from Long and chucked it into the ring, and for some reason Patrick decided this means DDP wins. Makes no fucking sense, and I get the feeling even if we had been shown it on camera it wouldn’t have made any sense, so whatever. At the very least Tony and Larry could do their jobs and inform us what actually happened, rather than incorrectly stating Train won via pinfall. These two are useless at their jobs.

DDP defeats Ice Train via... ref stoppage I guess?

We do get a replay which shows this...

So many questions If Train has Page in a full nelson why is Long on the apron again in the first place? He has literally no reason to do so. Patrick can clearly see that DDP has grabbed the towel and flung it off Long’s shoulders, so why would he accept this as Long giving up on behalf of Train? Why would he even logically do that if Train is the one on the offence?

Just total stupidity. It’s obviously meant to forward the “Nick Patrick, crooked referee” storyline, but instead just makes Patrick look like a fucking idiot. 

In-fucking-deed.

We get a shot of 123 Kid/Syxx/X-Pac sitting in the front row. Tony actually calls him out as the former 123 Kid “from the WWF”, confirming he’s since been released. I’m guessing they had to make this point due to WWE filing lawsuits at the time regarding the storyline where Nash and Hall were positioned as “outsiders” still potentially working for WWE.

Tony asks what Syxx is doing here, and Larry replies with utter disdain “well let me take a guess... the nWo?” - I mean, yeah, obviously.  “holy Moses” Tony replies, as if he’s teleported from a 70s Saturday morning cartoon.

Next up, this thing is in action:

For some reason it gets a bunch of pyro...

His opponent is Konan, who comes out speaking Spanish with Jimmy Hart accompanying him. Larry calls Jimmy Hart “the manager of champions, mental genius” ... lol. Yeah, OK. All of those top tier champions in the Dungeon of Doom. Sure.

Konnan (C) Vs. Super Calo

I know the nameplate says “Konan”, but do one WCW, it’s Konnan. 

A lot of flipping around to start off with, which eventually ends with Konnan getting arm-dragged out of the ring. As he’s standing there Super Calo comes FLYING out of the ring, between the ropes, at breakneck speed. Konnan however just steps aside, and Calo goes crashing into the barricade. Looked brutal as fuck.

Total fucking wipeout. Even though he blatantly stepped out of the way, Konnan nonetheless falls down as if he did get struck. Calo actually gets up first and throws Konnan back into the ring. 

As he does this, Tony Schiavone says “Mike, you may wanna just crawl up here on my lap if they get too close.”

Wut.

I do not remember homoerotic tension between Tony and Mike during the old school WCW years. Now granted there are a lot of things about WCW I had forgotten, but this... please let this be a one off. Larry immediately says “stay away from me”. Tony replies “stay away from us”. What is going on.

Konnan takes control of the match, throwing Calo off the top turnbuckle and stretching him a little before hitting a nice sitdown powerbomb. Calo once again arm-drags Konnan outside the ring, and once again does some crazy high-flying move.

“Very dangerous location this evening” Mike notes. Yeah, doesn’t seem like the best place to set up the announce desk, does it? You never see Bischoff sitting down there. 

Okay, so, after some back and forth there is a tremendous botch. Calo puts Konnan on the top turnbuckle, like so:

Decides to perform something like a reverse hurricanrana...

He lands here...

Then attempts to sit up, but Konnan just falls on top of him.

Fucking fail. Look at the referee’s face - he knows that was all kinds of stupid.

Once again, Calo gets up first and resumes offence. He throws Konnan out of the ring again and now he’s going crazy again. First he flips out onto Konnan, who is laying on the floor, then when he gets up Calo goes to the top turnbuckle and leaps off...

Jesus Christ. This is an absolute fucking madlad who does not give a single fuck. He lands like a sack of shit on the mats outside, bouncing like a basketball. That must have hurt him more than it hurt Konnan. As Andrade would say “... why you so crazy?”

Konnan lifts Calo up for what appears to be an Outsider’s Edge...

Check out the ref. He has THE POWER! Seriouysly though, what is he doing?

The edge ends up being more of a sit down powerbomb.

I think Konnan just broke his butt cheeks. 

With that being the case, it still wins him the match, so I guess it was worth it?

Konnan defeats Super Calo via pinfall.

Honestly, that match was actually pretty damn entertaining. Mainly thanks to Calo not giving a shit about his physical wellbeing and throwing his body around like a crash test dummy. Good shit, as a certain disgraced former CEO might say. You know, going into this match I just thought Calo was some weirdo who dressed like a total dork, and don’t get me wrong, that’s still true, but now I love him. 

“Dungeon of Doom forever” Konnan hollers into the camera after the match. Lol, nope.

Mike goes over to Syxx to ask him why he’s here. Syxx says he’s been in Japan (of course WCW wouldn’t know that) but he heard Nitro is the hottest show around and figured he’d come check it out. Tenay then says “you’re here, but what’s the reason?” - he literally just told you, Mike. Syxx asks who won War Games, to which Tenay indignantly replies that everybody knows the nWo won. “Darn it,” replies Syxx. Tenay cuts the interview off there.

Giving Syxx this look like he’s going to fuck him up. Mike has this expression down quite well, as we’ve seen previously. He’s got big ‘old school, gonna whip you with my belt’ dad energy around the time period. It’s amusing because Tenay is the least intimidating person you’re likely to meet.

We get a WCW Saturday Night advert, then straight onto the next match. 

Hugh Morrus (humorous, get it?) against “America, fuck yeah” Brad Armstrong. Armstrong’s music is so 80′s that it downgraded my computer to DOS. Ugh. Fucking why does this match even exist though? You know the feeling you get when you flush the toilet and realise you put too much toilet paper in there, and the dirty toilet paper, piss and logs of shit come rising up towards you? That’s how I feel about watching this match. So you know what? I refuse. We’re skipping straight to the end.

Hugh Morrus Vs. Brad Armstrong

Armstrong rolls up Humorous for the win. I think that might be the first time I’ve seen Armstrong actually win a match on Nitro.

Brad Armstrong defeats Hugh Morrus via pinfall.

We’re into hour number two, switching to Bischoff, Heenan and Tenay for commentary duties. 

Pomp and Circumstances blasts through the arena, meaning we’re about to get an appearance from everyone’s favourite lunatic, the Macho Man. 

Tenay picks up where Gene left out by bluntly shitting on Macho by calling last night his most embarrassing moment in wrestling, then throwing to still pictures of Savage Vs the Giant from Fall Brawl whilst Tenay narrates what happened. Basically Hogan, Hall and Nash beat up Savage and the Giant gets the win as a result. Not sure that necessarily qualifies as Savage’s most embarrassing moment ever, but yeah, not exactly a high point. 

“Living hard, living fast, don’t know how much longer I can last. If I’m lying I’m dying”, Macho rhymes to begin his promo. Savage says he isn’t at rock bottom, he’s a million miles below rock bottom - I mean, wouldn’t that just be a new rock bottom? Savage says “a lot of people say I’ve got nothing to live for”, which is pretty fucking harsh. Who’s been saying that? Savage confirms that he and Hogan are alive on planet Earth at the same time, which means it’s going to get “really really scary” because Macho is down to one marble, and if he loses that one “it really doesn’t matter”. I think it’s already gone, honestly, but yeah, sure. Savage tells Hogan to bring it on, and then storms to the ring. The usual batshit insane promo from Savage.

Meanwhile, Bischoff says something is going wrong backstage, and we see...

The nWo guys chilling by the usual black limo. According to Nash they’re celebrating spring break, even though it’s September, and nWo Sting gets out of the limo.

“Give me a break”, says Bischoff. Honestly I’m surprised he and Heenan aren’t fooled into thinking Sting has defected again. Hogan says there’s nobody left in the building to beat up, and Nash says he likes the sound of “nWo Nitro”. Oh boy, we’ll get to that. Bischoff says it makes him sick.

Back in the arena, Scott Norton comes out but doesn’t get very far as Savage comes flying out of the ring to brawl in the entranceway. I guess this match is underway?

“Macho Man” Randy Savage Vs. Scott “Flash” Norton

The bell rings once they get into the ring, and the brawl continues. They switch from fighting in and out of the ring before Savage eventually shoves Norton’s square head into the ringpost.

Goddamn Norton is thick… like a 90s refrigerator. He’s almost as much of a tank as Duggan.

Macho throws Dave Penzer to the floor so that he can take the chair he’s sitting on...

He then cracks Norton over the head with a nasty sounding chairshot...

He then makes a swing for referee Randy Anderson...

But Anderson fortunately dodges and gets the fuck out of there. Savage cracks Norton over the head twice with another couple of sick sounding chairshots before the referee decides to say fuck this and rings the bell.

Scott “Flash” Norton defeats “Macho Man” Randy Savage via DQ.

For some reason Nick Patrick comes out and Savage proceeds to try and do a Vulcan mind meld on him.

Macho walks off, seemingly happy with his evening’s work, as a dazed Norton gets his hand raised.

We go to the announce desk, with Tenay as usual giving the camera that soulless, kinda creepy stare. You look into the abyss too long and the abyss looks back at you. That’s what we’re seeing here.

Anyhow, Bischoff says Macho isn’t crazy and knows exactly what he’s doing. Heenan admits this is possible, that Savage may be tricking everyone into believing he’s insane as “nobody can be that nuts”. Well... don’t be too sure. I feel like they are giving the man who considered an OCD diagnosis as being told he’s “One Cool Dude” too much credit. 

Now we see this twonk. He calls Glacier “karate man” in a horrifically sick burn, telling him to remember “wax on, wax off, the crane, the tiger, won’t work in World Championship Wrestling”. Well, that remains to be seen - I don’t think anyone has ever tried implementing Mr Miyagi’s teachings within the wrestling sphere. Bubba says he beats people up for a living and is going to do the same to Glacier. We’ll see.

We hear some techno-dance type music, alongside some lasers and blue lighting. No, it’s not Naomi wanting us all to feel the glow, it’s Glacier making his WCW Nitro debut.

Lmao. Dude looks like he’s trying to cosplay Sub Zero and Shredder at the same time. Heenan says “all the wrestlers are talking about this guy, and there’s talk he’s going to take wrestling to a new level”. Yeah, a new level of shit.

After enjoying a golden shower, Glacier performs a bunch of karate moves/poses in the ring. Bubba is already out there, apparently, and steps into the ring with Blood Runs Cold.

I mean, it’s kind of a cool look. In a different era this may have worked. Just not in this era. Glacier looks like he could have fit into the Ascension or something. Would still have been a jobber, but... whatever. Glacier bows to the ref (lol) and then...

Hiyahhh!!!

Bubba jumps back in... shock and fear? I don’t know.

Glacier Vs. Big Bubba

Bubba tries to charge Glacier, but the Sub Zero wannabe makes the former Bossman look like an absolute chode by stepping aside and sweeping him off his feet.

Oh, also, apparently the lighting is just going to stay this pale shade of blue. I didn’t like it when they did it with the Fiend and I don’t like it here either. 

Glacier just makes Bubba look like some slow, fat oaf, which isn’t far from the truth. He dodges everything Bubba attempts, and Bubba falls and stumbles around like some comedy villain.  

Bubba is able to land a few punches and a spinebuster, then this happens.

It’s like a screenshot of the world’s shittiest dance contest. 

After copying a bunch of Sub Zero’s moves from Mortal Kombat (seriously, the spinning kick and leg sweep are from the fucking game), Glacier ends Bubba with his patented Cryonic Kick. 

Get fucked with your Sweet Chin Music, the Cryonic Kick is where it’s at. I assume in Mortal Kombat this would be Glacier’s fatality, and Bubba’s head would go flying into the crowd. Obviously that doesn’t happen here, Bubba just falls down and gets pinned. Maybe he should find Mr Miyagi and learn some techniques. 

Glacier defeats Big Bubba via pinfall.

After the match Glacier spends the next hour doing karate poses for the audience. Tenay says the temperature in the building “has dropped 20 or 30 degrees” - that’s some fucking drop. How did Glacier achieve this exactly? 

We go back to the announce desk and they’re about to talk about the nWo (shocker, I know) when Sting suddenly walks out unscheduled.

He doesn’t look happy. No music and no playing to the crowd, although once in the ring he does his usual howl. He takes Penzer’s mic. He says he wants to explain what happened on the previous Nitro. He says he was on a plane from LA to Atlanta and tuned into Nitro (I thought he was in Japan??) and he thought he was watching a rerun, as the nWo Sting was evidently that convincing. Although in what universe would it have been a rerun of Sting with the nWo beating up Luger? Oh, whatever. Maybe Sting was drunk or high or something.

Sting also says he saw everybody doubting him. Sting spends the promo with his back to the hard cam, which Bischoff explains is “symbolic” of Sting turning his back on WCW, as they turned their back on him. Maybe, but is there any need to say this whilst Sting is doing his promo? Shut up Eric.

Anyway, Sting says he decided to “go into seclusion and see what happens”. That doesn’t seem like the best idea - surely it would have been better just to ring Lex, the Horsemen, or WCW and say “yo, you guys know I’m not even there right?” - dropping off the grid just makes him look even more suspicious. 

Sting says he then went to Fall Brawl to tell Luger that it wasn’t him - why wait that long though? Luger apparently said that he didn’t trust Sting. I mean, considering what we’ve just been told by Sting himself that isn’t a completely unreasonable reaction. That shit happens, then when Luger and the Horsemen try to get in contact with Sting he just ghosts them. What does Sting expect them to think? 

“I have been mediator, I have been babysitter for Lex Luger, I’ve given him the benefit of the doubt about a thousand times in the last twelve months. I carried the WCW banner, and I have given my blood, my sweat and my tears for WCW. So for all of those fans out there, and all those wrestlers and people that never doubted the Stinger - I’ll stand by you, if you stand by me. BUT, but for all of the people, all of the commentators, all of the wrestlers and all of the best friends who did doubt me, you can stick it. From now on I consider myself a free agent. But that doesn’t mean you won’t see the Stinger. From time to time, I’m gonna pop in when you least expect it.”

Two things here. Firstly, this situation could have been completely avoided if Sting hadn’t decided to “go into seclusion” and had just gotten in contact with people straight away and confirmed what was going down. Communication, people. Secondly, I don’t think this is how things work as far as contracts are concerned. Fairly sure you can’t just declare yourself a free agent and walk out. Anyhow, Sting’s lack of professionalism and common sense aside, this is the last we’ll see of Surfer Sting on Nitro. Goodnight, sweet prince. The end of an era.

The commentators are stunned by this development. Tenay shakes his head in disappointment. Radiating pissed off old school dad energy again. Nobody is sure if Sting is planning to wrestle tonight or not. Seemingly there is no such thing as a breach of contract in WCW. Good for Sting, bad for the company. 

We’ve got a bit of a broski team coming out here in Jericho and Bagwell. I don’t remember them being a team at any point. This was when both were in bland babyface mode – they were each far better suited to heel work. Still some way off for Jericho, but Bagwell’s not too far off a major change in dynamic.

The commentators are paying no attention to this, just talking about Sting’s mard-arse promo. Crying about how he’s turned his back on them, blah blah blah. Get over it.

Opponents for the pre-Hype Bros are supposed to be some combination of the Horsemen, but…

Unless they’ve found the secret to invisibility, and in Flair’s case that is literally one of the worst things imaginable, they just ain’t coming out.  

We go backstage and apparently the Horsemen are just chatting with Liz. No big deal. They should probably hurry up though. Liz is saying she won’t go out because the now tagged her the night before, and she’s scared. Flair and Arn leave her to it. I don’t think they really need Liz to beat Jericho and Bagwell.

Woman forgot to put a shirt on underneath her jacket again. I’m not complaining.

Flair’s music starts up again, and finally he and Double A make their way out.  

Flair is doing his usual, dancing around with Woman. Arn just looks annoyed to be honest. He shakes his head as the pyro goes off. Love the shirt though. I want one.

Heenan on Flair: “When that bell rings, you’re going to see that head Horsemen right there, 13 times heavyweight champion of the world, show ya what it’s all about.”

Are we Bobby? Flair spends the majority of his matches getting his wrinkled arse handed to him, then cheats to win. If that’s what it’s all about then in my view it’s all a bit sad.

Jericho & Bagwell Vs. Flair & Anderson

Before the match can start, Syxx stands up with some kind of device in his hands…

He flicks some kind of switch, and now leaflets start raining down from the ceiling.

Hah, good trolling imo. How exactly did the nWo do this though? They would have had to have been at the arena well ahead of time, gone up to the rafters, created this elaborate setup whilst WCW security seemingly did nothing to stop them. Then again, this is WCW we’re talking about, so I suppose it’s entirely plausible. That’s also some serious wireless capability between Syxx’s control box and the rafters for 1996. Seems like a waste of paper though. Apparently the nWo are not interested in saving the rainforests. Trees died for this bullshit.

Arn rips up one of the leaflets. Flair just struts around the ring. They go to break, and when they come back the leaflets are still falling. What the fuck. How many leaflets are up there? Must be literally tens of thousands. I’m surprised the building isn’t buried in them by this point. Coming back from the break we go to the announce desk, where Bischoff decides it would be a good idea to show everyone what the leaflets say.

I mean, wasn’t WCW paying all the bills either way?

This was not worth sacrificing an entire forest of trees for.

The bell finally rings to start the match, as paper continues to fall from the ceiling. Bischoff claims the crowd are chanting “horsemen, horsemen, horsemen”, but they aren’t.

We start off with Arn and Jericho. It’s back and forth for a bit, with Jericho hitting a nice missile dropkick on Arn at one point. On commentary Bischoff claims DiBiase “forced” him to give the nWo their own television show. It isn’t explained how exactly this was forced upon him. Eric is the President of the company – why does he have to even listen to what DiBiase or any of the nWo have to say? Of course in hindsight I and most of you good readers know why, but it’s a pretty huge plot hole that they never bother to even try and fill in. Eric claims the nWo will get their own show, but the future will prove that to be an unfulfilled promise.

Flair enters the ring along with Bagwell. He gives Bagwell a few chops in the corner, but Bagwell fires back and just punches the shit out of Flair before giving the Nature Boy a back body drop. Did I mention Flair sucks at fighting? Anyway, he manages to toss Bagwell outside to get worked over by Anderson, but somehow Anderson is the one who ends up getting smacked around by the future Buff. Both Horsemen are useless.

Buff tries to roll Flair into a pin, and this happens…

Why doesn’t Arn just walk over and boot Bagwell in the head?

Flair gets clotheslined out of the ring by Bagwell. He gets really mad, grabbing a bunch of the leaflets in the aisle and petulantly throwing them back to the ground. Kind of pointless.

Heenan says Flair is “always in control of his emotions”. You sure about that Bobby? Every time I see a Flair promo he’s flailing around like he just dropped the world’s most intense acid.

The referee isn’t counting Flair out because… well, it’s WCW, and rules only exist when required.

Flair and Arn get the advantage, and as Arn is working over Jericho we go to a split screen…

Syxx is outside with the nWo, celebrating their littering frenzy. Giant has a portable stereo and plays the clip of Sting yelling – the same clip we heard when Luger got attacked a couple of weeks back.  

So Luger couldn’t tell the difference between a cassette recording of Sting and a real voice. Sad.

Back to the match and Bagwell is pinned via Figure Four, after Woman rakes his eyes and Anderson gives him a DDT…

Flair & Anderson defeat Jericho & Bagwell via pinfall.

It’s main event time. First out are Mongo and Benoit.

They barely get halfway down the ramp before Flexy Lexy’s music hits.

No Stinger as of yet. Bischoff repeats for the hundredth time that Sting wasn’t facing the hard cam during his promo. Dude, we get it, no need to keep fucking repeating it.

For some reason during Luger’s entrance Randy Anderson is on the middle rope holding Benoit back, as if the guy is ready to jump Luger. He really isn’t though.

Bischoff says there is no Sting. Breach of contract? No? OK.

Benoit & Mongo Vs. Lex Luger

Sting doesn’t want to work, so this has become a handicap match. You’re telling me they couldn’t have subbed somebody else in? One of the Steiners? One of Harlem Heat? Lord Steven? (miss you) - literally anybody? Fuck, bring out Steve Doll or my main man the Train. 

Nope, apparently if Sting doesn’t show up that means Luger has no choice but to go it alone. With that said, considering Mongo is one of the opponents you could argue Benoit is the one with the handicap here.

Heenan claims that since becoming a Horsemen Mongo is “turning into a heck of a tag team wrestler”. What a lie.

Luger starts off okay, but soon the double-teaming from the Horsemen becomes too much and he starts getting murked. Bischoff is telling us that basically the entire WCW roster is going to be in Japan next week for a NJPW tour – so is he basically telling everybody not to bother watching next week? Bischoff says “Randy Savage is going to be here by himself.”

OK – how come Macho wasn’t invited to Japan? And if he’s here by himself is Nitro next week just going to be a two hour Macho Man promo? Not going to lie, I’d tune in for that. Heenan exclaims “why are you telling everybody who’s not going to be here?” – good question.

Mongo stomps Luger in the corner. It’s been a miserable match for him.

In the front row the Real Slim Shady tears a Hulkster shirt apart and tosses it to the floor. You tell ‘em Marshall.

Luger makes a comeback, kicking that useless sack of crap Mongo out of the ring and powerslamming Benoit to the mat.

And then he puts Benoit in the rack!

Benoit is on the verge of giving up. Luger would actually have beaten these two buttinskis (copyright Larry Z) by himself, but then Flair arrives... 

... and is decked immediately.

As is Arn. These two really are useless.

The bell rings, and this one is over.

Lex Luger defeats Mongo & Benoit via DQ.

The numbers game is eventually too much, and the Horsemen begin beating the crap out of Luger. Remind me what the difference is between these guys and the nWo, really?

Whilst the Horsemen are laying a beating on Luger, making a mockery of WCW unity, we go back outside where it’s now raining. Nash has an umbrella. Hall approaches the camera...

“Hey chico, you tired of working for a loser? Come on, let’s see what kind of work you can do” and drags the cameraman over to the limo.

It’s party central in the nWo limo, as something like eight guys cram inside and watch WCW Nitro on a tiny monitor…

The nWo note that Macho will be the only person from WCW on the show next week – the way they phrase it is like literally nobody except Macho will be there. Also, as they are making their intentions of coming after Macho known well ahead of time, WCW will surely make efforts to ensure Macho is safe right? Right?

Yeah, I know.

Lol. He ded.