#loft spaces

(July 2008 cont.)

 The next day was rough for both Jo and Alex. Neither of them got much sleep the night before and Alex realized very quickly that Jo was actively avoiding him when he walked into Meredith's hospital room and saw this disapproving look, on her face.

 "You know?" Alex made a face.

 "Izzie told me," Meredith replied. She huffed and narrowed her eyes. "I can't believe you said that to her."

 "I can't believe I said that to her either,” Alex sighed. “I was angry and when I get angry, I lash out.”

 “Yeah, I know,” Meredith shook her head at him. “Alex, you messed up. Badly. You came for her where it hurts the most. You don’t shove someone’s insecurities in their face.”

 “I know that, Mer,” Alex huffed. “I know that… I was just so—so angry that I wanted her to hurt the way I was hurting. Which now that I say it out loud it sounds stupid because the one I should be hurting is Avery. God, I just want to pummel his face.”

 “Don’t do that,” Meredith warned. “Nothing good can ever come out of that.”

 “I make no promises,” Alex excused himself and left the room. 

 He was on Torres’ service today and would be helping assist on a spinal surgery with her and Shepherd. Alex walked up to the patient room where he was supposed to meet the two attendings and prep the patient for surgery. He stopped in his tracks when he saw Avery present, standing beside Shepherd.

 The surgery would take all day, and Alex was dreading being stuck in an OR with his fellow resident. Alex scowled and glared at Jackson the entirety of the operation. 

 Jackson on the other hand, felt nervous. When he’d woken up that morning, the night before had been a blur. He’d had so much to drink that he was nursing a pretty bad hangover when he walked into the hospital that morning. He hadn’t even remembered the kiss he’d planted on Jo until he watched her skitter past him in the hallway, refusing to make eye contact. 

 He felt bad for what he’d done, because despite what Jo may have been thinking, Jackson wasn’t a bad guy. He was a guy that got a little too cocky after having a little too much to drink and went out in search of hints and clues that hadn’t been there to begin with to make him feel better about trying to make a move on Jo while she was clearly with Karev. 

 By the time the surgery ended, Jackson decided that he needed to talk to Alex once and for all, if he ever wanted the stares burning into the back of his head to stop. Jackson needed to find Alex and apologize. He also needed to apologize to Jo.

 Jackson decided that the latter would probably be easier to talk to than the former. He made his way to the peds floor where he knew Jo had been working today. Jackson maneuvered his way around the floor searching for the woman he’d hoped he hadn’t completely ruined his friendship with. Finally spotting her, Jackson reached for Jo’s arm and pulled her into an empty linen closet.

 “Jackson, listen. I don’t know what you think you saw or felt but I was not—”

 “Jo, it’s okay. You don’t have to explain anything to me,” Jackson motioned for her to stop talking. “I just wanted to apologize for last night. I’m not usually that guy. I don’t know what came over me, but I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable or cause you any trouble. I like you, but I wouldn’t ever try to purposely mess up your relationship. I respect you too much for that.”

 Jo eyed him carefully, “Okay.”

 “Okay?” Jackson tilted his head in confusion.

 “I’ll accept your apology,” Jo crossed her arms in front of her. 

 “Really?” Jackson’s eyebrows shot up in surprise. “I thought I was gonna have to work a little harder for that, but thank you.”

 “It’s all in the past,” Jo shrugged. “Besides, all you did was open my eyes to issues that were already present in my relationship, so I guess I should thank you.” 

 “For what it’s worth, I think you shouldn’t give up so easily. I know Karev isn’t and I know I wouldn’t if I had you,” Jackson smiled shyly. “Anyway, I’m going to go talk to your boyfriend now, so wish me luck.”

 “Be careful,” Jo warned. “Alex and I aren’t afraid to throw punches for each other.”

 “I will.”

 Jackson and Jo walked out of the linen closet and went their separate ways, each going in opposite directions. Alex—who’d come up to peds to see if he could finally get a moment alone with Jo—witnessed as the pair walked out of the room together. 

 Alex could see Jackson walking towards him. His fists balled in anger at the thought of what could’ve possibly happened in that linen closet. He clenched his teeth and watched as Jackson approached him and Jo walked out of sight. With his blood boiling in rage just like it had been over the previous hours, he tried to let it go, but failed. Swiftly and without even thinking, his fist found its way to Jackson’s jaw. 

 “What the hell, Karev?” Jackson winced while rubbing the impacted area. He felt Alex pull him by his scrub top into an on-call room and didn’t even react when he felt his body pressed against the wall. 

 “You listen here, Avery. You come here acting all snazzy and flirty with your money and your last name and your shiny pair of blue eyes, but she is mine, you hear me? Jo is the best thing to ever happen to me, and you are not going to take her away from me,” Alex twisted his hand around the newcomer’s shirt. 

 “I didn’t mean to cause any trouble,” Jackson surrendered, putting both his hands up. 

 “Yeah, but you did. And from what I remember from med school, you’re not a bad guy, so I have a feeling that you’re going to measure your words and actions from now on,” Alex said, pushing him away and letting go of the taller man. “Now, I hear you got stuff to do, so get going,” he added, eyeing Jackson as he made his way out the door and closed it just to open it again after a few moments. 

 “Karev,” Jackson called his attention. “Sorry about your girl,” he said before closing the door one last time and walking away. 

 Alex, now feeling a lot calmer than a few minutes before, decided to act mature. Running towards the door, he opened it and chased the other man. 

 “Avery,” Alex called out, making him turn around. “Sorry about your jaw.”

***

 The next few days, Jo and Alex hardly ever saw each other. Partially because Jo was purposely avoiding him and partially because ever since Izzie, Lexie, and Cristina caught wind of Alex’s major screw-up, they’d been intercepting Alex’s every move. They wouldn’t allow him to get more than a hundred feet within Jo’s presence. 

 “Come on, you can’t do this forever. You can’t keep me from talking to her. She’s my girlfriend,” Alex argued with Cristina as she held up a hand in front of him so that he couldn’t walk out of the residents’ lounge to follow Jo. “Look, I know I was an ass, but we share a bedroom and I haven’t seen her in the past three days. She sleeps in Izzie’s room, she comes in to grab her clothes while I’m in the shower, she even took her damn pillow with her. ”

 “No you listen right here, Evil Spawn. Jo has never, ever given you a reason not to trust her and now all of a sudden you assume the worst of her? Because what? You feel threatened by pretty-boy’s presence? Because he kissed your girl? What the hell is wrong with you?” Cristina slapped the side of his head. “Is it so horrifying to think that someone else might want her? Jo is hot and smart and funny and way too good to be putting up with your bullshit.”

 “You think I don’t know that?” Alex exclaimed. “You think I don’t know that Jo could do so much better than me?” Alex let out a sigh of frustration. “I’m an ass, I’ve always been an ass. Jo saw that side of me and still loved me. She wanted me. Which is great and I’m thankful for it because I think she’s perfect. I think she’s amazing and everything any guy could ever want. So yeah, I feel threatened and I get defensive and mean and I lash out because I’m so freaking terrified she’s gonna realize that she could do so much better than me and leave me. Avery is better than me. He’s got the name and the looks and the money. And he’s a good, decent guy. He’s what she deserves. The years we’ve spent together will mean nothing if she finally realizes that there is someone out there that could offer her more than I ever could.”

 “Are you dumb or stupid?” Cristina asked, prompting a scowl from Alex. “No, it’s a serious question. Are you an idiot? Because that might just be the dumbest thing I have ever heard come out of your mouth.” 

 “Oh shut up,” Alex glared at Cristina, walking away from her to sit on the bench behind them. “This is why people don’t tell you things.”

 “Alex, I’m not making fun of you. I’m being serious,” Cristina sat next to Alex, eyeing him for a moment before speaking again. “You may be right, Avery might be everything you’re not but Jo doesn't care about that. There could be a million guys better than you lining up at her door begging her to be with them and she’s always going to choose you. She loves you, idiot. I don’t know why honestly, but that’s the only thing she cares about. She doesn’t care about the money or the name or how much that asswipe tries to butter her up with compliments, she’s only got eyes for your dumb ass. Get over your own insecurities before you push her away.”

 “You make it sound so easy,” Alex sighed. “I’ve never felt like this before. I’ve never loved someone so much that I’m constantly worried that I’ll lose them. I’m used to losing people. I’m used to things being temporary and people turning their back on you or getting sick and being unable to help you or themselves. I’m used to all of that crap. But Jo… Jo’s the first person that I’ve ever had that I really can’t lose. I tell her all the time that I want forever with her, I tell her that I want to grow old with her, have kids with her, marry her one day. I tell her those things on a daily basis, but I hardly ever hear her say them in return. Sure she shows it, but it would be nice to hear it sometimes. It would be nice to know that she feels the same way too.”

 Unbeknownst to Alex or Cristina, Jo had been listening in on the conversation from outside the lounge. She had left her ID badge in her locker so she’d made her way back down to retrieve it when she stumbled across the conversation going on between the pair of friends. Jo's heart sunk as she heard Alex's words of worry. She had no idea Alex felt that way. It was true, she didn't say it often, but Jo thought she'd made it clear that all she was waiting for was for Alex to ask and she'd marry him in a heartbeat. She didn't know that he was constantly terrified that she'd find someone better for her--as if that person existed--and leave him behind. She had to do something, say something that left him with no doubts about himself and the love she held for him.

***

The next morning, Jo walked up to Alex and pulled him into a nearby on-call room, interrupting the conversation he was having with Meredith who'd just returned to work. Alex raised his eyebrows in question when she locked the door behind them, "Oh, now you want to see me? After having Lexie, Izzie, and Cristina block me from getting within a hundred feet of you and switching with you so that you’re not stuck on a case with me all week?”

 “Just shut up,” Jo leaned up and grabbed Alex’s face with both hands and leaned in to kiss him. Jo pulled away when she felt him tense up. “Alex, please. Relax.”

 “Is this what you want from me? Sex? Because if that’s all you want, might as well go ask Avery. He’s more than willing to give it to you,” Alex pulled away and crossed his arms. 

 “Stop being an asshole,” Jo shoved him slightly. “God, I brought you in here because I miss you and I wanted to talk to you. Not because I want to use you for sex. I miss your voice and your hugs and your laugh and notes you slip into the pocket of my lab coat when I’m having a bad day and the way you wrap your arms around me when we sleep. But for some reason you think that I don’t care about those things. That I’m just using you to keep my bed warm until someone else comes along. I thought you knew me better than that.”

 Alex had the decency to look a little ashamed of himself as he took a seat on one of the beds, “I’m sorry. I really am, Jo. I was… projecting my worries and fears onto you and that’s not fair to you. Not when all you’ve shown me is love and commitment.”

 “I know,” Jo sighed. “Which is why I’m being much more gracious and forgiving than many people who advised me otherwise.” She sat down beside him. “This doesn’t mean that I’m excusing your behavior. Missing you and forgiving you doesn’t mean that what you did wasn’t wrong. It means that I love you enough to know that we are worth getting through this. After everything, what we have is too precious to just throw away.” 

 Alex spared a glance at Jo, “You’re not mad?”

 “Oh, of course I’m mad. I’m livid and I’m hurt,” Jo replied, causing Alex to wince. “You are my best friend. You know me better than anyone has ever known me. You love me more than anyone has ever loved me. And still, you thought I was capable of betraying you? Of being unfaithful to you?” She blinked away a couple tears. “The fact that you don’t trust me hurt me more than anything. Because I trust you with everything, Alex. Even though it terrifies the crap out of me, I have given you all that I am and trusted you with it. I trust you with my medical decisions, my life, my body, my heart. So yeah, I’m hurt and upset, and I have every right to be. But you also have a right to be scared, because all your life you’ve been told that you aren’t good enough. And I get that, truly. Because for the longest time, I thought the same thing about myself. You know who showed me that I was good enough and worthy of love, though? You. You showed me that. So, now it’s time for me to show that you are too.” 

 Jo placed her hands back on Alex’s face, forcing him to look at her, “You are good enough. You are loved and worthy of every single bit of affection and care. You have the best, most kind, and gentle heart, even though you cover it up and I’m the only one who ever really gets to see it. Not everyone’s like you. Not everyone is good. There is no one who could ever replace you. Not when you take up every single one of my spare thoughts and when you practically hold my heart in your hands.”

 Alex pressed his forehead against Jo’s, “God. I’m a jerk, aren’t I?”

 “Sometimes,” Jo chuckled. “But it doesn’t take away from how good you are.”

 “I don’t wanna fight anymore,” Alex released a breath. “I know I’ve still got things I need to work on and fix, but I don’t want to fight with you. This whole thing started because I was blinded with jealousy and scared I was gonna lose you. The most ironic thing is that for a minute there, I thought it was over. I thought I had really screwed it up this time. And it would’ve been my fault, because my behavior drove you away.”

 “We’re not over,” Jo assured him. “I don’t ever want us to end. I want to die holding your hand like in the super cheesy rom-coms that Izzie and Lexie can watch for hours and sob over.”

 “I do too,” Alex kissed Jo soundly. “Come back to our room. I hate sleeping without you. I can’t sleep without you.”

 “Me neither,” Jo responded. She stood up and extended her hand. “Come on, we have to get to work. But I’ll see you tonight after our shifts?”

 “Yeah.”

***

“Would you mind taking a detour?” Jo said as soon as Alex got inside the car later that evening when they walked out of the hospital. 

 “Why? Do you need me to drive you somewhere?” he looked at her. She could see the tiredness all over his eyes, but was too excited and nervous to back out. 

 “I want to take you somewhere. I know you’re tired, but this is really important to me,” she grabbed his hand. 

 “Okay, then. Wherever it is, here we go,” Alex shot a smile at her. 

 ***

 “What are we doing here? What is this place?” Alex frowned as they walked inside the empty space. 

 “It’s a loft space,” Jo followed him across the room. 

 “Jo, it’s a crime scene,” he turned around, facing her. 

 If he was honest, the place looked worse than a crime scene. It had clearly been occupied by wildlife and probably some of the homeless people he had seen outside, the whole room smelling of urine. He couldn’t really understand why Jo had been so insistent on bringing him here. 

 “Stop. You’re ruining it,” Jo complained, a frown playing onto her lips. 

 “Someone beat me to that,” he chuckled. 

 “Shut up. It’s all I can afford,” Jo stopped right in front of him, arms crossed as she avoided meeting his eyes. 

 “What?” Alex shook his head in confusion, trying to put the pieces of the puzzle together. 

 “I took everything. All my savings, everything that I had, and it was almost enough to cover the whole thing,” Jo said. 

 “Wait. You’re buying this? Alex stared at her incredulously. 

 “Well, we are, if you want to pitch in. I put in an offer,” Jo looked at Alex nervously, sounding almost doubtful about the words coming out of her mouth. 

 Alex looked around one more time. The space that had previously looked so useless to him suddenly gained a lot more meaning and potential. Still, he didn’t really know how to respond to what she was saying. 

 “This is what I want, Alex. I am very thankful for Meredith. She has been such a good friend, allowing all of us to live with her, but this is what I want. Our own place, for us. I saw this place, and I know it’s not much, and it’s obvious that we won’t be able to live here forever, especially if we ever decide to have a family of our own, but we can make it anything, whatever we want. Because I love you. And I love living with you, but I think it’s time for us to have our own place, just us. If you want that, if that’s what you want too. And, you know, it would make me the happiest person in the world if you did, because there isn’t anyone in the world I’d want to do this with. Hell, there isn’t anyone in the world that makes me safe enough to do this,” Jo paused. “I know I’d don’t say it very often, but I want it on record that I said it twice in one day. I want to be with you until I die. This is a step towards that. I want to build a life and a home with you. So, what do you say?” Jo asked. She was scared, but hopeful he would want to do that with her. 

 Alex pulled her close to his chest and closed the space between their lips. “I love you so much, Josephine,” he said, their foreheads touching while they smiled. 

 “So, is this a yes?” she asked. 

 “This is a hell yes. Let’s make this place our home.”