#lo personal

2020 is the first year in many where I feel I’ve gone backward rather than forward. 2020 posed some major challenges for me. In March, I was laid off from a job for the first time in my life. I’ve lived with my mom since then, which has not been as bad as I’d thought it would be, but also not great for my mental health.

My grandfather passed away in May. Sam and I also had roughly $4k in unexpected financial expenses, between Tobi needing surgery and car repairs.

The good

I started off 2020 with solid work performance. I maintained a positive outlook when I was laid off. I was instrumental in providing end-of-life care for my grandfather, supporting my grandma (more than her children did really), and logistics after he passed.

My largest win in 2020 was the support I provided to my family. I also started yoga, trained my voice, wrote a lot of fic, and began to write songs for the guitar and piano. Next March, I will have hit my 11th year of sobriety (not counting weed). I’ve also gone over 2 years without cigarettes/vaping nicotine.

The bad

2020 did not bring out the best in me. The self-discipline that was once my strength has slipped out the window. I need to be more aggressive with the job hunt and stick to a schedule. I need to smoke maybe 40% less weed. I haven’t even done yoga for a month, and I eat garbage most days.

I’ve become more inattentive and withdrawn as well, which is mostly due to my lack of privacy now that I’ve moved in with my mom.

I’ve had bounties of time this year and am embarrassed by how little I’ve accomplished with it.

Goal setting

My #1 here is job hunt. I’m uncertain about where I want to take my career, and I believe that this is a major contributor to my procrastination. It often feels as though I’m sending resumes into a black hole, which can be very discouraging. I need to be more persistent.

Second comes my body. Yoga and healthier food are a must.

Moving in with my mom when I got laid off in March was terrifying. In 2008, I lived there when I was young and sick, brain tumor and all, and my mom kicked me out on the streets. I was scared to go back. At the beginning, I’d get this tight feeling in my chest when I was in parts of the house where I was physically abused as a child. Flashes kept coming back.

I’ve been here for five months, and that trauma-damaged part of me keeps waiting for the other shoe to drop. Shockingly, it hasn’t. I’m grateful. This time around, I’m able to contribute financially (that unemployment boost is nice), which helps. I did what she wanted me to. Got a graduate degree and a well-paying job. I guess I’m the grey sheep of the family now.

Thi situation allowed me to provide my grandpa with end-of-life care to the best of my (non-clinical) ability. Trying to accomplish this during the heat of pandemic was no small feat. He passed in May, and we still haven’t had a memorial for him. I’m not sure we ever will.

I’ve been kept busy with my grandma. My aunt and mom are too self-absorbed, and I’m the only one left. Of course, there are the emotional components, but my grandpa also managed all of the household finances and technology. I’m managing it now and teaching her how to do it when I move away.

My mom’s fiance, who’s a narcissist, finally broke up with her yesterday...via text. She’d been thinking of breaking up with him but wanted to try counseling first. They would have been married in May if not for covid. Count your blessings. I’m doing what I can to distract her.

I’ve been...not as productive as I’d hoped. I’ve been unemployed (and looking) for five months as of today. I’ve been able to catch up on sleep, which has done wonders for my mental and physical health. I have a shitton of mental/physical conditions. I’ve worked full-time over the past six years with no break, and I was almost constantly on the brink of having to go back on long-term disability. It has been a huge struggle. I expected to fall apart without having a job for such a long period of time, but no, my health is just improving.

I’m playing the piano again and am almost done with the SasuNaru fic I’ve been writing over the past three years. I’ve probably been smoking a bit too much weed. I protested a lot but have been giving it a rest due to the covid spikes in Los Angeles. I’m hooked on Mao Do Zu Shi and am actually considering writing Wangxian. I do yoga almost every day and am now on my second 30-day challenge, which has done wonders for my lower back and knee pain. I’m hunting for my acoustic guitar, which is in storage with my electric (who knew I’d be here so long?). Also planning my new tatttoo once I can actually go to parlors again.

It’s the first time I’ve seen someone die. He stared with his mouth open, far away. No facial gestures or anything else indicated the exact moment like in movies. My aunt put her hand to his mouth and felt shallow, weak breaths. We sat there for a few minutes. My aunt put her hand by his mouth again, and nothing.

I feel like I’m at acceptance already, given how long this whole thing stretched out. But then I wonder if I’m still at not a factual but an emotional “denial” or numbness. I didn’t feel or look as sad as most people in my family are, even people who aren’t nearly as close to my grandpa as I am. The only point where my eyes misted was when the funeral home wrapped his body in a sheet and took him away.