#llfm

We at this Sunday. **FREE ENTRY** . #KingMe #MaccMilliaon #BlueAries #iamtheone #ripbiggie #imnext #Young #fly #Fresh #fatnigga #LadiesLoveBigBoys #llfm #hitta #GetLikeMe #PICTUREOFTHEDAY #instacool #instadaily #everythingofficial #igottimetodaycuz #FollowMe (at XV Portland)

I feel NO PRESSURE from these niggas. #KingMe #YouMark #MaccMilliaon #BlueAries #iamtheone #ripbiggie #imnext #Young #fly #Fresh #fatnigga #LadiesLoveBigBoys #llfm #hitta #smokeheavy #kushgod #indica #cloud9 #GetLikeMe #PICTUREOFTHEDAY #instacool #instadaily #everythingofficial #igottimetodaycuz #followme

The fliest fat nigga in the rap game died in '97... New era, new king. #KingMe #MaccMilliaon #BlueAries #iamtheone #ripbiggie #imnext #Young #fly #Fresh #fatnigga #LadiesLoveBigBoys #llfm #hitta #GetLikeMe #PICTUREOFTHEDAY #instacool #instadaily #everythingofficial #igottimetodaycuz #followme

Please do not continue to read this if you don't plan on trying to understand. There are many reasons to feel the way I do, most of them, you won't acknowledge as actual feelings because you're ignorant and choose to remain ignorant. Most of my anger and my sadness stem from something much greater than my hate for you and my hate for my living situations. I used to hold you so high on a pedestal. I used to preach to everyone about how amazing you were and how many things you do and how talented you are and how happy and cool you were. I used to claim that you were the best. I hate when our arguments reach a point where I say everything you want to hear and you don't even listen to what I have to say for you to understand, you listen to contemplate a reply to make me feel like shit. I used to dream of being famous and bringing you along and sharing the world with the beautiful person that was my Mother. I can't help but feel let down now. Let down in the most simplest of ways, as an adult, let down by my mother. I never counted on any one else to produce my happiness because it was always my Mom I protected, I lied for, I gave for, I helped for. I expected that by helping my mom and making her feel cherished, she'd make me feel the same way. I dedicated most of my being to making my mom happy and what I did was feed a monster. A vain, manipulative, person who's only endgame is to pray to a God no human can prove the existence of and emotionally/mentally abuse those around her. I placed you on a standard to where everyone had to reach, that everyone I had met and let in to my life had to become as awesome as you, but I was wrong. I've lived in a home where I was emotionally and mentally abused. Physically, on occasions. It may not have been sexually, but that doesn't mean it makes my nightmares any less vivid. Personally, I want to say I am a survivor, that I can relay this story and tell others, but I have not yet survived. Until I am on my own two feet and live by myself, I am no survivor. Who would I be to claim the title of survivor when I am still in the battlefield, carving a path for others to follow, to help them? I am no survivor, yet, and am aware of it. At 18 years old, most would expect me to be in college, have a stable job, a car, I'd suppose, but I don't. It's difficult to say, but I don't. And I wasn't given the opportunity to do so for myself until I received a check in my hand and instead of making my dreams of being a survivor a reality, I stayed. I stayed because I thought that I could change things, I stayed because I thought that I could make a better life for us, but I was wrong. My anger and my sentiment may be misplaced, but to me, it is justified. I could have been a survivor by now, I could have offered a hand to help others, but I didn't. Instead I kept myself in the same toxic situation and offered help to everyone but myself. All because I wanted to be the opposite of the person I'd watched you turn into my whole life. I remember the day where it really hit me, where I had realized the person you really are. I broke down, hysterically crying, sobbing unapologetically to the universe for letting me down. I cried for my luck, I cried for your past, I cried for my future. I cried, and cried, and cried. Because what else is a 17 year old girl supposed to do? My anger has been something that's been cultivated for the past 18 years of my self realization. It has been bloomed into animosity for the way I live, loathing for the person I worshipped. All I ask, is not for sympathy, not for compassion, not for pity. I ask for understanding. I ask for the patience to wait until I become a survivor, since you did not aid in my healing and will not. I ask for the understanding that even though I face adversity all around me, you will still not push me to the point of where I was in the beginning of October of this year, googling how much I needed to take to overdose on a bottle of pills I stole. I ask for the understanding that you will not push me to the point of where I was in the beginning of May, 2012, where I wore longer sleeves and sweaters to hide the scars I made on myself. Winter and Fall are good seasons because if you harm yourself, no one would ever know. You can lather on layer after layers of clothing, blame it on the cold, when really, you're just hiding your battle scars. I have had years of damage on my psyche and all I ask is for understanding. Yes, I absolutely hate the person you've become, and I hate the way you've pushed away everything you've known, but I don't expect us to ever come to an agreement on each other, there will always be something we don't agree on, naturally. Here I am, attempting to take the next step of my journey, and I ask for a ceasefire, to allow me to become the person I am trying to be. If you can't respect that, if you can't understand that.. Then I suppose I will leave, I presume. I guess there is nothing else to do but leave, the same way countless of others have left. It will hurt, but I understand that it will make me a better person, no matter how much I struggle, at least I’ll be able to say I survived with shadows that follow me in my sleep.

Keep your face always toward the sunshine - and shadows will fall behind you.