Pushing it down and praying- Matt sturniolo
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I never planned for any of this.
If you asked me a year ago what my life would look like, I wouldâve said something neat and stableâquiet mornings, someone solid beside me, a life that felt like a steady heartbeat instead of a storm. And for a while, thatâs exactly what I got.
He gave me all the things people say youâre supposed to want: reliability, warmth, a future that looked safe.
But then there was Matt.
I donât know when Matt went from being a friend, a familiar face, to becoming the one person who lived behind my eyelids. It was slow at first, like a tide that sneaks higher while youâre not paying attention. One day youâre fine. The next, the water is up to your throat.
What I remember most is the feelingâthat sense of recognition when someone looks at you like they already know the words you havenât said.
Matt looked at me like that.
And now⌠now Iâm lost.
The Bed I Lie In
At night, when I lie beside the man who loves me, I try to breathe evenly. I try to stay present, to remember that he is real, solid, gentle. We fit together in that comfortable way people do when theyâve spent a long time learning each otherâs rhythms. His hands are familiar, his voice grounding.
But the moment I close my eyesâŚ
Itâs Matt.
Matt with the half-smile that always breaks something open inside me.
Matt with the way he says my name like itâs a question and an answer.
Matt who sees the parts of me I try to bury.
Every time Iâm held, kissed, touchedâmy mind betrays me.
My body betrays me.
I betray him.
I tell myself I should feel guilty. I should feel the sharp edge of wrongness. I should hate myself a little.
But instead, I feel hollow.
I want to feel something clearâguilt, anger, clarity, anything.
Instead thereâs only that ache of longing, like a song stuck on repeat.
Two Different Worlds
My boyfriendâhe is steady. He asks about my day, leaves notes on the counter, buys groceries without being asked. He shows up. He listens. He tries.
Matt is not steady.
Matt is depthâmessy, unpredictable, too honest.
He is late-night conversations that leave me shaken, truths I didnât know I needed to hear, the kind of person who breaks you open just by existing.
With him, I feel exposed. Seen.
With my boyfriend, I feel safe.
What kind of person chooses chaos when they already have peace?
Maybe the kind of person Iâve turned into.
What Iâm Afraid to Admit
If someone asked me outrightâif they looked me in the eye and said, âAre you in love with Matt?ââI donât know what Iâd say.
It would depend on who was asking.
It would depend on whether I was brave enough to speak truth or coward enough to keep lying.
It would depend on whether Matt was standing close enough for me to feel the heat of him.
So instead, I push it down.
I bury it beneath excuses and promises and the silent hope that someday the feeling will fade.
But it doesnât.
It gets worse.
The Night Everything Broke
I remember the night I realized the truth.
I was lying in bed, my boyfriend asleep beside me, his hand warm around my waist.
I shouldâve felt loved.
I shouldâve felt lucky.
Instead, all I could think about was the look Matt gave me the last time we spokeâsoft, knowing, almost pleading.
Like he could see the war happening inside me.
I wanted him there.
I wanted to turn and find him beside me.
I wanted to breathe him in, to feel his hands on me, to hear his voice saying my name like it meant something.
And I hated myself for it.
I didnât sleep that night.
I watched the ceiling, listened to the steady breathing beside me, and felt myself sinking deeper into a truth I wasnât ready to face:
Iâm breaking the heart of someone who loves me⌠because someone else lives in mine.
The Question I Keep Avoiding
Itâs only a matter of time before someone brings it up.
Before someone notices the way I flinch at my phone lighting up, the way my thoughts drift, the way my voice changes when Mattâs name is mentioned.
Iâm terrified of the moment my boyfriend asks whatâs wrong, why Iâm distant, why I kiss him like Iâm apologizing.
Iâm terrified because I donât know if Iâll be able to lie.
So for now, I push it down.
I pray he wonât see the truth in my face.
I pray Matt wonât say the one thing that would unravel everything.
I pray for peace, but want, want, want burns through me like a secret Iâve already failed to hide.
And StillâŚ
Every night, I close my eyes.
And every nightâŚ
Itâs Matt.
My note: heya this is my first time writing on tumblr, I used Lizzyâs song since she decides to drop the live version on a random Tuesday đĽšđĽšđĽš. Used a bit of my own twist, if you can tell. Im really proud of it!!
