#lizard personal

and it stays there, in your gut, like a stone that gets heavier and heavier. and you walk around and you smile and you say and do the things you're supposed to be doing but the stone is getting heavier and the thought has yet to pass, returning over and over like a futile hamster on a wheel.

and it's happened before, and it's always ended the same way. you don't need the stone in your gut. it's never done anything for you beyond make you shake and make you sick. if it ends differently, if it doesn't end the same way as it always does, then the stone would still be useless. still just tunnel your focus and sharpen your stress for nothing.

but if it ends differently. but what if? what if? what if? statistics say it's unlikely. but statistics mean there's always a chance.