i feel the need to ramble here since i havent really talked on tumblr in a really long time. idk if anyone i used to be close to on here really follows me anymore, but whatevs.
so nearly four years have passed since my dad passed away. since then, ive been through hell and back again. i moved to arizona a mere two weeks after my dad’s passing, which in hindsight was not a good idea, and within a few months, i started exhibiting signs and symptoms of serious mental illnesses, including borderline personality disorder. i became a negative energy to everyone around me. i caused unnecessary drama for people i considered cherished friends, and pushed nearly everyone away from me. bridges were burned, but im hoping that maybe a few are still salvageable, even after all this time. a few bridges have been repaired, and friendships restored, but even three years later, i highly regret the fact that i have lost many friends due to my toxic behavior and endless mood swings.
moving on from arizona, i found myself back in alabama, where i ran into financial trouble worse than i’ve ever known, and an abusive situation that made my issues worse than they already were. im not going to go on about that here, because i’m still having issues working on moving past that whole situation and it’ll just put me into a negative mood.
then my partner kris helped me escape that abusive household and brought me to indiana, which is probably the best thing that could have ever happened to me. i was able to get into therapy quickly, and though i’ve had to be hospitalized once because of suicidal threats, after all of that, i’ve been able to get on a good balance with my mental illnesses. i’ve even been able to get a hold on my borderline urges and panics, and for the first time, i’m okay with my best friend dating, which has been a source of stress and panic for three years. i’m okay with being left by myself. i’m regaining a semblance of normalcy inside my head.
honestly being hospitalized, even as unpleasant as it was being stuck inside a psych ward for a week, was probably one of the best things that my therapist could have insisted on. the classes, in addition to switching my meds, really did help, even though it took several long months more for them to really click in my head. seeing my therapist every other week has been a positive influence in helping me see my behavior for what it is, and help me find ways to cope and divert my negative behaviors into something good.
for the first time in four years, i am looking forward to things more and more. i’m making my own happiness instead of sitting in the muck of my own self-imposed negativity. i havent had a suicidal thought in several months, and my depressive episodes are happening more sparingly. i still have issues with anxiety, but i’m working on that with my therapist as well. i feel more motivated now than i did even two months ago. i want to do more things, like exercising, and maybe decorating the apartment, and i’ve even thought about maybe going back to school in the future.
it’s taken a really long time to get here, and honestly kris and i have had our ups and downs over the last three years. but now that i’m feeling a lot better and am in a better place, i feel ready to focus on our relationship fully, instead of pushing him away too like i was before.
so yeah. tl;dr im feeling a lot better than i have in years and i just wanted to share that.
