It gives me no pleasure to say that the funeral business in Crestfall is booming.

[cello music resumes, then pauses again, really milking it]

It gives me slightly more pleasure to say that the funerals are nothing short of dazzling.

Omg welcome back eric chapman

[a final resonant bow of the cello and the music ends. silence. THEN. paper being wound into a typewriter. typewriter keys a-clackin’. fading in: wind rushing by as though we as an audience are falling through the sky. from a distance, rocketing towards us from above: A SCREAM. Is it out of fear? excitement? it’s unclear.]

Oh we are SO back 

Kai was the finest tailor in town. They had a way with fabrics the way an artist graces a canvas or a taxidermist turns a pet Pomeranian into a couch cushion. Their style was unmatched. It could best be described as flowing, elegant, growing. It was in the way they walked, the way they laughed, the way they dotted their i’s with stars. Their hair spun out in cascading curls, eyes popping with emerald green eyeliner. They wore long, crushed velvet suits, bold diamond drop earrings. They were like a bluebell drooping in the moonlight – dark, graceful, and vegetative. I would be the first to enthusiastically admit I have a shrine dedicated to them behind a secret panel in my armoire.

Diversity win the dead person is nonbinary and slayed

[chairs groan, people shuffle to stand up. an old man pants and wheezes as he pushes a squeaky piano in front of the audience. the wheezes are belabored and concerning. like why is no one helping this man.]

I love it when writers add thoughts to descriptions it’s my favorite thing

After the funeral’s reception, which consisted of fine wine, gruyère cheese, and some soft atmospheric jazz, I made my way back across town to my apartment, following the beat of Charlotte’s heart.

[heartbeat thumps]

I’ve taken to carrying it around in my suit jacket, tucked in the inside pocket, beating over my own, just in case it’s trying to tell me something.

Oh OW…

OW VO: From the shrubbery emerged a man who resembled what one assumes people mean when they say “Oh, we don’t invite him to parties anymore.” His hair was an unmitigated disaster, with enough pomade to sink a small ship. He wore an oversized polka dot tie… on purpose. And he smelled like an apple pie forgotten in the back of a refrigerator.

I NEED someone to draw this man… @luvnotpercival my dear moot mayhaps? Or @abstractfrog the artist of some of my fave super cool dbd art? If yall draw any art I gotta see it I love it

Stalker: Well well well, you clever little minx – you caught me. But only because I wanted to be caught. With the right attitude and proper body paint I could vanish from the face of the earth… but who would want that. Not these cheekbones. 

Another velvety voice enters the arena!

Jimmy Hawkins: Jimmy Hawkins, Private Investigator, at your service.

The fact that they are both investigators is killing me. “That two timing bastard” he’s literally you. He’s literally you OW. Also what I’m learning is Karen really has a thing for men with silky smooth voices. 

Charmed and charming, as always. It’s good to see you, O-Dubs. I see you still have that look on your face. Glad to know some things don’t change. 

This man is going to be gay for OW mark my fucking words 

Karen and I had been going steady for a few weeks when Jimmy showed up. OW are you joking. He didn’t “steal” anyone, dating someone for a few weeks does not make you lovers. In freshman year of high school my best friend started dating my sister(who is trans) and I asked her if they were like boyfriend and girlfriend. And she said they were more like lover ot was so fucking funny because this 14 year old girl called her partner and my sibling who she’d just started dating her lover and they broke up within a month for unrelated reasons. That’s what I’m reminded of right now. 

dazzled her with his halfwitted metaphors, and left me in my default mood: OW VO (insanely somber, echoing): Devastated… and Alone...

:(

OW VO: Ya know… I honestly don’t even know what she sees in him. He’s a walking mess of a human being, with an atrocious sense of humor, sub-par detective skills, nerves like a wet noodle… [music shifts to a romantically longing orchestra] …eyes you could get lost in… a jawline for days… cheekbones like a chiseled angel…

OW i love you btw. You goofball. 

Ever heard of the Outdoor Garden Gnome Robbery? Hm, turns out it was an inside job. What about the Piano Thief? He went out on one helluva note. And then there’s that Norwegian Weed Killer, the Half-Arsed Arsonist, the Eco-Friendly Car Jacker, the Fraudulent Fork Salesmen. How about the Case of the Butcher’s Missing Meat? The culprit turned out to be a goat, but it was a thrilling adventure that I definitely saw from beginning to end and did NOT run away from in a panicked frenzy. And of course... ugh, how could I forget… the Great Bread Factory Fire of 1982–where I lost my arm, my wits, and my taste for toast.

“atrocious sense of humor” OW you aren’t fooling me I know you love it 

Jimmy: Then you’re just gonna have to join me, old sport!

Died 1922 born 2026 welcome back jay gatsby 

OW VO: I stared in disbelief at that two-timing bastard Jimmy Hawkins, Private Investigator. I had spent countless irritable daydreams serving up choice words for this man. 

you’ve done what now OW. fellas is it gay to frequently daydream about that two-timing bastard Jimmy Hawkins and his angelic chiseled cheekbones, even if you’re thinking about chewing him out

And here I was, about to spend the night with him.

Evan Gulock you bastard 

The One Who Hunts (aggressive): MEOW!

OW VO: –black with white stripes and an anger management problem.

The One Who Hunts (aggressive): MEOWWW!

OW VO: The One Who Glares–

The One Who Glares (chill, maybe even a little forlorn): Meow!

OW VO: –jet black and known for inducing feverish nightmares for those who look too deeply in his eyes. And The One Who Sulks–

The One Who Sulks (depressed, whimpering, dainty): meeeoooowwww….

OW VO: –who cleans her calico tabby fur with her bulbous tears. Mind you, she’s a very content and well-cared-for feline. She just cries recreationally. 

Oh my darlings how I have missed you… also “cries recreationally” is so real for some people I know lol 

[OW and Jimmy hit the ground to hide. silence…]

Man-Eating Cats (must have been the wind, let’s move on): Meow…

Jimmy: I don’t think they saw us.

OW: You can get off of me now.

Jimmy: Oh, ahem, sorry.

[clothes shuffling as they disentangle]

Goofballs. Also, Jimmy. What’s goin on, buddy, whatcha doin.

Jimmy: Agreed. No talking… Nothing uttered whatsoever……….. The exact definition of silence…………. Comparable only to the moment before the dawn of time–

Jimmy is me fr this is what I’m like when someone asks me to stop talking for a bit

Man-Eating Cats (hi weirdo, thanks for the boops): Meow.

I’m truly loving the meow translations in the transcript

OW VO: All the while, Jimmy and I slunked in the darkness, dove behind recycling bins, and once, when we were almost caught, pretended to be lovers meeting for a romantic midnight rendezvous. This happened spontaneously, with a lack of better ideas, and should never be spoken of again.

OW what does this mean. What. You can’t just say that and not elaborate.  

Mia Jasper and Fen Lou were on a date at Siren’s Diner, sipping overly-sweet coffee and chatting emphatically about toppling the surveillance state. 

The coolest people in Crestfall right here

Jimmy: What could they possibly want in there? Little kitty suits?

OW: Maybe a… tiny cat tie.

Jimmy: A miniature top hat.

OW: A pocket square shaped like a paw print.

Jimmy: (chuckles)

OW: (chuckling, then snapping out of it) Anyway. Back to not getting along.

LIKE I SAID OW, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE SAME PERSON. Perhaps he hates Jimmy so much because he reminds him of himself and he secretly hates himself for letting something happen to Charlotte and not knowing how to bring her back. 

Jimmy: Ah, right. (clears throat, mocking OW) Hello, I am the fancy Obituary Writer of this dashing town of Crestfall, Idaho–

OW (chuckling, faux-offended): Hey!

Jimmy: That’s you. That’s what you sound like.

Cute but more importantly he totally got your ass OW

Jimmy: Eh… Suit yourself.

OW: Oh! (chuckles) I see what you did there.

Jimmy: I can be clever.

OW: Yeah that-that was good (interrupts his own chuckles) – No! I refuse to be amicable with you!

do i even need to say anything

OW VO: All this to the tune of The Bally-Go-Backward Boys’ most popular hit, “I Wanna Wear Your Skin, Baby.”

Dear Evan Gulock pls put the Bally Go Backward Boys songs on spotify or tell me where to find them if they're already on there or perhaps just post them on tumblr because I like themmmm 😶

a car screeching away (still muffled), crashing into another car, one of the cats meow-groaning from behind the wheel like “goddammit, who put that parked car in my way” (wait, are the cats driving a getaway car??), car squealing into the distance. 

Keep the goofy descriptions coming fam

Jimmy: Egad! Not sola, s-s – sof-nuh, sola f-f uh… num-tah… tooblesum glowkymoids!

I love him actually

But despite this, we must find a way to forgive. A way to love. Because you can’t live your whole life being a grumpy little tot. 

OW are you listening. Are you paying attention. taking notes. I originally was joking around about this being about forgiving Jimmy but really I think OW should be taking notes in order to learn to love himself because even if he brings Charlotte back he’s still going to be left with lasting anger/disapointment/hatred/whatever towards himself like I mentioned 

Jimmy: Your interrogation skills are remarkable.

OW (genuinely flattered): Thank you!

:3

OW VO: Jimmy was standing several paces behind, with the same look on his face as that of a defiant puppy.

What, cuz he’s adorable? Bah dum shhh 

Jimmy: You don’t seem to like me very much.

[OW stops, swivels with teeth-gritted purpose back to Jimmy]

OW: As a matter of fact, I don’t think anything of you! Liarrrrrrrr

OW: Alright, fine, you really wanna know? Every time I look at you, I’m reminded of what I’ve lost. I think about losing Karen, and that makes me think about losing Charlotte, and that makes me think about losing Lillian, and Pastor Jeff, and Kai– Any of the people I care about seem to either die or leave for the Bahamas or cheat on me with that two-timing bastard private detective–

Oh depressed-characters-finally-allowing-themselves-to-feel-their-feelings-and-think-their-thoughts lovers we’re eatin’ good tonight

Jimmy: Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa, cheat on you? Bastard?? As far as I’m concerned, you and Karen weren’t together anymore. She said dating an obituary writer was a fast-paced lifestyle and she was looking for something else. Sound familiar?

[shocked silence]

OW: Jimmy… I...

Jimmy: And besides… Karen and I aren’t together anymore. Something about my halfwitted metaphors.

I have normal feelings about this. 

(AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA LETS FUCKING GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO) 

OW VO: This… hadn’t occurred to me. Could I have been looking at an incomplete picture? A fragmented story? Had I been mad all this time for no reason? Impossible... My memory of the breakup suddenly felt… fuzzy. Before I could say another word, Jimmy put on a pair of sunglasses even though it was the middle of the night.

Jimmy (wounded): I thought we were having fun, old sport. But now I must wear these sunglasses to hide the teary gleam of my midnight sorrows. Good night to you, Obituary Writer.

*sad voice* gay people….

[strings CRESCENDO, OW slams into the rickety door! it doesn’t budge. he hurts himself BAD. he topples to the ground in a pile of hay and pain.] 

You fucking dumbass

OW: (groaning in pain)

haha get it. Cuz hes OW. and. and he’s hurt. So he’s OW going OW. do you get it. 

Friendly Cult Member (muffled inside the barn): It’s open!

OW: Oh man…

You absolute fucking DUMBASS

OW VO: Through my fright, I uttered…

[music cuts]

(counting to self) one, two, three-four-five – TEN words.

Oh OW the man that you are

OW VO: It was at this moment that the cult leader turned. Their hood slipped off their head.

OW: …Karen?

[goofy, plucky string and clarinet music, sweet and a little humorous]

Cult Leader (Karen): Oh, hey, Dubby! I couldn’t see you under this hood. Darn cloaks (dorky, sort of laugh-adjacent noise). It’s good to see you. Hey everybody! It’s my ex!

Why does OW’s ex sound like Jennifer Coolage

OW: Good, good… I’m seeing now that it’s probably for the best we grew apart.

Karen: Well, as the Cosmic Spud always says: hhhhhhhhrrrrrrrooooooaaaaaahhhhhhh (imitates weird incoherent alien groaning sound the potato makes) I have a poster of that in my office with a cat hanging from a tree. (weird giggle)

I <3 weird women OW i’ll take her 

OW VO (truly mortified): My cats were on top of him, lunging in a furious manner. I couldn’t believe my eyes. I couldn’t believe I had allowed this to happen. Jimmy Hawkins was dying before my eyes, and there was nothing I could do to stop the ceaseless hunger of my man-eating cats! 

Yeah that’s what i though mr “i dont think anything of you”

Jimmy (screaming, sounding horrified): OHHH! OHHHHHH!! OHHHH!!!! (tone changes, maybe he isn’t screaming for his life) OOOO-Dubs! Your cats are adorable! HA! [music switches to silly, playful clarinet, pizzicato strings, and twinkling xylophone]

The One Who Glares (this guy’s fun, can we keep him?): Meooowww…

The One Who Glares is me at Evan Gulock and OW. This guy IS fun, can we pls keep him. OW can we keep him can you let him stay instead of pushing him away to prevent losing people/prevent distractions from getting Charlotte back/because you don’t like yourself 

Jimmy (laughing, animated): They caught me following them and dragged me back here. And I was terrified, and I may have screamed like a cantankerous baboon, but we discovered… we actually get along quite well. (adorable pinching-cheeks energy) Isn’t that right? Awww, so cute. Yes. Ooh (giggles).

OW you know what they say cats are the best judge of character (that is absolutely not true but I think you should keep him around. If your man eating cats don’t take the opportunity to eat him maybe it’s a sign…)

Jimmy: I’m really sorry about everything, Obituary Writer. Truly I am. I didn’t realize I hurt you. And as for your cats… they don’t seem like criminals to me. It’s not like they’ve ever killed anybody. (chuckles)

OW (laughs a little too overzealously): DEFINITELY NOT.

Jimmy: Let’s forget this ever happened, shall we?

OW: Jimmy… (sighs) I… I want to apologize as well. I’ve held onto a lot of resentment towards you. I’d like to try and... let that go.

Jimmy: Truth be told, I hope we don’t forget this night ever happened. I had fun tonight.

Guys i love them sm they’re v sweet 

OW VO: I don’t often think about being wrong, dear reader. I deal with death for a living, and death is an absolute. Says the man currently trying to bring his best friend back from the dead. It can be easy to forget that your thoughts and beliefs are not. Unchallenged beliefs can be dangerous. It can lead to arguments, fights, cracks in the fault lines between people. But three man-eating cats, a goat, and a butcher can have a dance party. A group of hooded figures from all across town can come together to worship a Great Potato God. Perhaps a two-timing nemesis could be a one-timing… something. Secret third thing alert something more alert 

Jimmy: See you around…

[Jimmy saunters to the door. Spanish guitar music CUTS–]

…hot stuff.

[sweet, daydreamy guitar, bass, and drums kick in: someone handsome just got a surprising, flirty one-liner in before walking away – those kinda vibes. the door to OW’s apartment shuts.]

OW VO (embarrassed, caught off-guard, maybe even blushing a little): Uh… hm… AHEM… heh… This has been the obituary of Kai Nocturne.

*grabs a megaphone* OW DESERVES TO BE FLIRTED WITH AND FEEL ATTRACTIVE I LOVE YOU OW IT’S GONNA BE ALRIGHT MY GUY I SWEAR 

Everyone be nice to OW

Thank you for being nice to OW Evan Gulock. I loved this episode it was an absolute delight to listen to I enjoyed it thoroughly and I obviously loved the ending it healed my little queer heart a bit from all the damage caused by doomed gay people lol. I hope OW and Jimmy continue to be gay in the future. Also yall I copied the transcript and pasted it on a google doc so I could record my live reaction better this reaction was SEVEN PAGES LONG