#listhorror

So maybe fine dining is a little hoity-toity for you, but you've still been running around town and got to eat. Maybe you're more of the casual sort or enjoy quaint little places. That's just as well about the high-end dining, making reservations is annoying. So you find yourself at one of my favorite genres of eating establishments, a good old fashioned diner. If you've spent a significant amount of time in diners you know they can be odd places with way more supranatural Beings than you'd think, and if you didn't know that, now you do. Allow me to guide you through surviving all the oddities at your local diner.

There are a lot of theme diners, particularly '50s themed. This is fun, I too enjoy a milkshake and checkered tiles. Be aware, however, that if the diner is actually from the '50s and still themed that way continuously, it's probably a portal to a '50s Pocket. It's actually one of the most reliable ways to access the 1950s, but it's much more difficult to leave. 

A lot of old-timey fae and witch types that give advice become diner waitresses. I don't know so many choose this profession specifically, but it's something really popular with those from "and then the old beggar was secretly an ENCHANTRESS" type stories. So maybe tipping is a good idea. 

Are the fries good? Any diner worth its salt should have excellent fries. If they're not good, something is very, very wrong. 

If they write the receipts out by hand, they may have some...alternate payment instructions enclosed. Follow said instructions at your own risk. 

It's well-known lobsters take forever to sell at diners. In fact, so long that they occasionally develop sentience. I don't recommend diner lobster period, but seriously, don't eat the talking lobster. 

Sitting at the counter is fun. Sitting at the counter with 1930s gangsters who are suddenly there is your cue to get the check ASAP. 

Similar to the Walmart tile thing I warned you about a while ago, do not follow any paths in the diner-tile floor. If the tiles seem to arrange themselves into a path, this is not a good thing. Especially if it leads to the kitchen. 

You really shouldn't be in the kitchen. Like, in general, why would you be there? Especially in the now-times? But diners specifically - there's some stuff you just can't un-see and some ingredients you can't un-eat after you learn what they really are. 

A lot of diners spotlight local other businesses, if they're a small little place themselves. This is good. And not to create an attractive nuisance, but the diner placemat is actually a pretty good place to start if you're seeking supernatural. 

Soda is often watered down and coffee gets reheated. Feel free to complain if it seems normal-wrong. If you look down and your coffee is blue or your sprite is purple, something is out to get you and it's probably too late. 

Most diners, the old ones, have guardian spirits. You do NOT want to meet them. 

Lots of little places have dog bowls outside. Do not disturb the dog bowls. The only acceptable interaction is buying a treat and place it there WITHOUT touching the bowl itself. 

So now that you've got a pet, some books, and food, you're probably intending to hunker down for a bit. But you look around at your new and not-so-new-but-nonetheless-chic furniture, and realize something: you've got some home improvement to do to accommodate all your cool new stuff! So you head down to the hardware store, in hopes of finding some tools, materials, and advice. You may get a little more than you bargained for - that's why I'm here to tell you how to stay safe while there.

If a tool you don't recognize is glowing, leave it. It's somebody else's quest item and interference never ends well. 

If you pick up a tool, or buy it, and it starts glowing, that's you're quest item. Take it - avoiding never ends well. 

If you find yourself carving or burning strange creatures into wood without intending to, stop carving immediately. Burn the carving, and if possible, the tools. 

If you're a regular at the hardware store, they'll eventually show you blueprints for some really weird stuff. It's most safe to decline the blueprints. If they insist and your gut says not to piss them off, I recommend that you take the blueprints, but roll them up somewhere locked. Do not burn them - the manager will know. 

If you hear hardware noises in the backroom, don't open the door. Do. Not. Open. The. Door. 

Floor models can be a great way to get cheaper version of the same thing. Downside is they are frequently cursed. 

Lots of freaky things have hardware needs. The man with the full-face-hair-neck-and-chest mask is not someone you need to stare out. 

You do not want to meet hardware store ghosts. They never had good endings. Don't seek them out. 

If a pale blue girl claiming to be the owner's daughter asks you for help retrieving something from the shelf, help her, alert the staff, and leave immediately. Staying will end very badly. 

If the lights flicker, the toilet flushes itself, and the door is funny, leave immediately. It's a hardware store presumably run by people who know about using tools - multiple issues with the building is a very bad sign. 

Hardware stores don't sell dolls. Or at least they shouldn't be. Don't buy dolls from the hardware store. 

The bargain bin at a hardware store is a profoundly dangerous place. 

So you're back home after a fabulous vacation filled with safe street food, and have shopped yourself out and want to eat some food. Like, an absurd quantity of food. So you seek out a buffet. It's certainly a choice from a health perspective, but financially they can make a lot of sense. I'm not a dietician or an account, so I'm not going to talk about the mundane health and fiscal risks/benefits, but I am a resident Spooky ExpertTm , so allow me to lay out how to stay safe from the supranatural functions of a buffet. 

Most buffets make you take a new plate every time you go up for cleanliness reasons. The other reason is because if enough "food" matter acclimates on one plate, it can come to life. And it's not a happy one. 

How do buffets come up with so much food? You don't really wanna know, but I will say it's a similar experience to a Walmart stockroom-it's not really of this world. 

Do. Not. Consume. Buffet. Mystery. Meat.  Given how much food is consumed at a buffet, it's an easy way to sneak in something cursed or unsavory. Don't eat it unless you or staff can identify it.

If the buffet's other customers seem inhuman, they probably are. Tread carefully or you might be on the all-you-can-eat menu. 

Buffets work because there's often a sacrifice in the quality or sourcing of the food. Not always, but often. You presumably already accept this, which is fine. If you find ectoplasm in your food, that is not fine. Report it to management immediately, they need to know and likely don't. 

Conversely, if you find discernable parts in your food that shouldn't be there, don't tell management. They already know and you need to leave. 

If it's the kind of joint that has attentive waitstaff for despite being a buffet (like a Golden Corral), you need to tip. You never know who or what the waitresses really is. 

Don't try and leave with a giant to-go bag. Greed can burn, both through the bag and you. 

If you're at a pizza buffet, there's probably a bizarre cacophony of interesting pizza options. I daresay it's why you're there. I simply advise to not eat the glowing pizza or the wiggling brownies. 

If you're at a nice buffet, still treat it like you would a regular nice restaurant. The place still could have guardian spirits, and being boorish will anger them even if it's $23.99 all-you-can-eat. 

I get you're likely at the buffet to save some coin. Be forewarned, however, that shortchanging them can get you cursed. There are two primary forms this takes:  11a. All-you-can't eat: you become repulsed by food and lose hunger. This may sound good for your diet initially, but it doesn't end well.  11b. You are driven by a desire to consume, consume, consume. You will ingest anything and everything, despite it being to your detriment. 

Some buffets have little extras inside. Be aware of their rules.  12a. Some buffets have little arcades attached. Pacman is usually safe. Off-brand games with disturbing case graphics, however, should not be played alone.  12b. Don't play the claw machine with your eyes closed. 

If you see someone scrubbing the walls, walk away slowly. At best, it's a human employee scrubbing human grossness that was put there voluntarily. At worst, it's an inhuman employee scrubbing away-well, you don't wanna know what they're cleaning up.

I understand wanting to test the balls in the sports section. Don't throw too high and hit the top, because you might break the Sealing on the Ceiling. After that, there's no going back.

The Walmart bathroom is actually one of the most dangerous places in the worlds. Yes, most dangerous out of worlds, plural.

Why yes, the eyes in the suspiciously cheap knockoff dolls ARE following you.

Some of the books are clearly not New York Times #1 best sellers and that's okay. Lots of unknown books can be super cool and high quality. If the book starts reading itself to you though, thank it for its time, and leave.

Any DVD you buy from the Walmart clearance bin has astronomical odds of actually being a haunted CD from the 90s-similar to "lost VHS" tapes with, um, stuff, on them.

Occasionally, Walmart produce does bite back upon inspection. It's not just you.

People have gotten married in Walmart before. This is such a bad idea for lots of mundane reasons (sanitation, reputation, aggravation), but also PERMANTLY BINDS YOUR SPIRITS TO THAT PARTICULAR WALMART.

Nothing good lives under, above, or at the back of a Walmart shelf.

It's not just that nothing good happens in a Walmart parking lot at 2 in the morning. It's that bad things choose to happen there too.

Anyone who has frequented Walmarts knows that distinctive smell. If the smell suddenly changes, it's either something mundane and horrifying (human refuse, burst food, expired something or another), or you're encountering a Walmart Spirit. You will smell it, hear it, and see it that order (and taste it, if you're particularly unlucky). It will want directions, spare change, or to cut you in line. For the two former, do it, your wording doesn't particularly matter. For the line cutting, don't answer, just step behind it in line - you do not want to give it permission to cut you.

It's 100% okay to ask an employee to check in the back. It is 100% a bad idea to try to do so yourself.

So perhaps you're not a buffet kind of person, or you're having some sort of event that requires something a bit ritzier than a bakery or street food. Perhaps you have a nice date or a business dinner. Whatever the case, you find yourself headed to a high-end establishment.

Make a reservation ahead of time. Failure to do so, when accompanied by pushy in-person behavior, will agitate the multilingual host, the chef who uses unusual ingredients, and the manager with connections around town. 

In a multi-course meal, go from outside in terms of the utensils. Outside spoon, middle spoon, innermost spoon, etc. The quantity of utensils may be intimidating, but you should be able to recognize all of them as belonging there. There shouldn't be a fleam or mace or slingshot on the table, if there is it's time to leave. 

Don't rearrange the utensils. At best, you'll be confused. At worst, you'll find yourself rearranged. 

Fine dining establishments expect you dress for the occasion. Showing up slovenly will at best see you denied entry, at worst you'll be thrown out, to, um, elsewhere. 

You shouldn't be rushed out in a fine-dining situation. If it feels like you are being rushed like you're at a busy McDonald's, then it's your cue that you are being rushed out for a reason. Take the hint and leave-any establishment pushing you along at that cost is either not worth your time and money anyways or is hiding something they think you found. 

If you have a go-to drink to start the meal with, great. If you need to look at the cocktail and wine menu, 100% fine. Don't drink alcohol? Also cool. Just don't shout out some vulgar mixed drink you get for $6 at a college bar. It will not end well. 

Be upfront about your allergies/food intolerances, no matter how obscure. 

If you're with other people, arrange ahead of time to get the same number of courses. At best it's awkward, at worst you learn that your friend or in-law is a fae or fae-like entity and they are very offended at this breach of etiquette. The staff can make this a magical time, but wear in mind that magic can be both good and bad, kind and cruel. 

You don't want to agitate the chef. This doesn't mean don't say if something is wrong, but not to act like a snoot if you don't like the sample menu (which you knew you were signing up for) or fail to alert the staff to your preferences and needs. They want to help you. They want to make this a good experience. But you have to help them help you, failure to do so and then being a brat about it is obnoxious. Basically, if you sour the night, you might find yourself soured. 

If you complain about itty-bitty portion sizes, you might find yourself resized. 

You aren't expected to know everything about food and drink, that's what the staff are there for. Don't be that customer who asks what's good or what kind of wine pairs well and then argue about the recommendation. You don't have to order the suggestion. You're in charge of what you swallow, but beyond the possibility that you'll create a vortex that swallows you up, what are you accomplishing by arguing about it? 

Not all fancy restaurants make the same kind of food. Don't be demanding French food at a Japanese restaurant or Japanese food at an Italian restaurant and so forth. You may inspire rage in supranatural Beings you haven't even hear of, much less know how to solve the curses from. 

I feel like it goes without saying that a doll shop is going to have spooky vibes. Some of the locations I've described I feel like I had to justify why it's creepy, but not with doll shops. Dolls can be super cute, but also super horrifying. It's a human visage designed for children - there's an inherent straddling on the uncanny valley line involved. Without further ado, here's the rules:

If a doll case is locked, it's not to keep you out. 1a. Some dolls prefer the company of others. Don't get just one of these dolls, unless you already have friends at home. Others are perfectly content to be alone. Let them. 1b. If you must get the doll locked up by itself, have a case handy. She wants her boundaries, and you will suffer if you fail to honor that.

Why yes, the eyes are watching you. Related: The heads are not supposed to spin. Leave immediately.

You aren't losing it. The dolls are moving around. 4a. This is actually nothing to be alarmed about, if it seems random. 4b. If they're methodically appearing closer and closer to you, this is something to be alarmed about. 4c. If one is suddenly in touching distance, run.

This is not somewhere you want to be at night, or in a power outage.

"Free" dolls are troubled. There's always a cost, even if you can't see the price tag. Buyer beware.

Most of the places I've previously described have eccentric owners. This is true for doll shops, but even more extreme. 7a. What I mean by this is the shopkeeper might have skin that's a little too nice, smile a little too in place, eyes a little too unblinking. If it's just the shopkeeper, be extra nice, buy something, and get out. 7b. Like with the bookstore and the hardware store, becoming a regular will get you access to the weird stuff. 7c. If the other customers are looking like dolls, leave immediately.

Damaged dolls could have the crack or missing piece because someone dropped her. Sure, that's possible. It's not necessarily true.

Dolls really don't consider themselves as an "it" - I strongly suggest referring to them as "he" or "her" (as the case may be). They often also have names - for benign dolls using names is fine. For malevolent dolls, do not say names - doing so lends power.

If there's a doll making class, be careful the kind of mood you're in and the topics you broach while making your doll. They're very susceptible to influences early in the creation process.

If the dolls start chanting your name, leave. Keep running.

Many dolls, particularly older ones, are unstable. Think about it-they've seen dysfunctionality across generations, situations, and different family settings. They can't unsee it all, even if they wanted to.

No good ever comes from trying to raise a doll army or commanding the dolls to commit violence.

So I've finally done it, haven't I? With the power of my lists, I've scared you off the whole "going outside" bit but you still have more stuff to buy. What do you do?

You throw more money at the richest man in the world, of course, and order stuff off Amazon. Hey, no shade from me - my prime student membership got me through college at my alma mater in the middle of absolute nowhere. Sometimes, it's the only real option (aside from braving Walmart, which, as previously discussed, has its own issues). Either way, being online doesn't mean there's safety.

If you came of age in the internet era, your parents probably gave you similar talks as my mother did with me: the web is full of creeps, don't give out your location, and anything on the internet is forever. All that is still true. What I'm here to tell you about is the less mundane dangers of online shopping.

Although the title is staying safe on Amazon, these rules apply on the internet in general, but particularly on marketplace-type websites like eBay, Wish, AliExpress, Etsy, and so forth. Wherever you browse, here's how to stay safe!

Check the location the item is being shipped from. If you don't know where that is, google it. If you can find it, that'll help you estimate how long it'll take to arrive. If the location doesn't seem to exist, don't order the item-things from other realms or Pockets of space-time are unpredictable.  1a. Related: if the box went through nonexistent places to get to you (yay tracking), do not open it. If you must open it, do so in a well lit place and not alone.  1b. Also, if the delivery is listed on the estimated arrival isn't real ("32nd of Novembuary at 26:24") neither is the package. Hopefully. 

It's no secret the pictures don't always match the reality. Don't be afraid of the return policy. If they sent you the egg-laying frog-cat when you ordered a cutesy frog statute, you can damn well send the back the demon thing. 

Repeat after me: there is no such thing as one sizes fits all. There is no such thing as one size fits all. There is no such thing as one size fits all.  3a. At best, you'll get a return and refund and that's annoying.  3b. Most likely, you won't bother with the refund and be stuck with an ill-fitting garment.  3c. Worst case scenario, it IS one-size-fits all, but it will warp you to fit it. 

Reviews are your friend, in general, for a variety of reasons. Does the item run small, run big, run away with your family? Does it bite back? Is it safe for children? Are children safe for it? Sometimes the universe gives you a freebie in the form of a disgruntled shopper elsewhere-take the damn hint. 

If the price you have to hit to get free shipping keeps changing, it's either a scam or a demon is screwing with you. Both are bad. 

Make sure you understand the dimensions of the product you're ordering, including understanding the units. It's one thing to convert from metric to imperial, but from Cthulus to pounds? Circles of Hell to meters? 

Knockoffs can be very dangerous for a variety of reasons-unknown ingredients, sketchy assembly-lines, and cursed products. Make sure you read the whole description. 

You know that thing Amazon does that's deal of the day, and sometimes it's just TOO good? Beware of that. Why are they trying to offload this $1000 thing for $50? 

If your package arrives burnt, throw it away and undertake rituals to cleanse your home spiritually.  9a. Same goes for soggy packages with no explanation.  9b. Packages with strange scribblings should be burned immediately.  9c. If the package is much hotter or colder than its surroundings, this is also a bad sign. 

Sometimes little freebies or samples get thrown in with your order. Safety rules still apply. 

Browser extensions that check coupons and price track are great. If a product sends your extension haywire, however, strongly reconsider your purchase. 

If there's text on the item, zoom in and read what it says. This goes double if it's in another language. 

It's not fun, but going to the pharmacy/drugstore is a necessary part of life for most of us. My commentary on the grocery store being one of the few places you can still go guilt-free still stands, and absolutely applies here. You aren't going to CVS/Rite Aid/Walgreens/Your local teeny-tiny pharmacy because it's where you can get lipstick, candy, bizarrely specific cards, and sketchy supplements, you're going because it's MEDICAL. The "medicinal" nature of your visit, however, does not negate the need for supranatural caution as I've urged in other situations. That's why I'm hear to outline the rules, so you can safely pick up your prescription (and other stuff "while you're out).

If you're looking to avoid trouble, the best way to do so is to pickup at the drive-through window. Check to make sure you got the correct medicine before leaving the premises though - you do NOT want to know what your doppelganger was prescribed. 

Yes, there is a Hallmark card for EVERYTHING. If the cards seem progressively less plausible and veer into the "not possible" territory, go back to the other sections. Sometimes Others and Beings need cards too - you do not have the appropriate currency to buy one of their cards. 

Some of the cards in the regular human section are still weird. If the card is strangely warm or cold (relative to the store), it has odd writing, or is heavier than it should be, put it down. This is at best a summoning ritual and at worst a trapped Being. Both are bad. Don't tell the cashier - they know, why do you think they're trying to offload it? 

Sometimes the candy is off-brand. Sometimes it's dangerously off-brand. Read the ingredient list with particular care for knockoff candy. 

Usually the generic and the brand name medicine is the same, more or less. Usually. Consult with a medical professional before trying something that claims to be the same as the original. Most of the time it is - and is harmless, but occasionally, that's Benadryl-like-substance for 357 pound turtle spirits, or Advil-like-substance for Formarians, not you. 

Don't try on lipstick in store. It's like $4 - do you really want everyone else's germs? Also, check the expiry dates on cosmetics - you don't want them to cause you to expire. 

Don't be obnoxious about give-a-penny-take-a-penny. By all means, use it, just don't be that schmuck who dumps out the whole thing and wants change. Beyond the fact it's rude, any Others in the vicinity will take great offense. 

Yes, the receipts can be VERY long at the pharmacy. The receipts are frequently also coded rituals, don't read the whole thing out loud. 

Getting photos printed professionally is a treat for sure. They want to give you the nicest pictures they can so you'll come back. If you see something weird in your photos, ask the photo tech or manager about it and schedule a chat with a medium on your own time. 

Those blood pressure machines while you wait can be informative. Just don't use them at night. 

Pharmacy staff ghosts are generally harmless. If there's one in uniform behind the counter, be nice, and he'll be helpful. Beings in pharmacies are generally less malevolent as well-I'm not saying approach the Sphinx, but that if you have to this probably the safest time, while she's chilling and possibly down some hit points. 

The exemption is the ghosts of people who died from snafus the pharmacy you're in has made. You'll know it when you see it. Avoid them if at all possible and get the manager before leaving.