#lilyfics

The light from my phone attacks my eyes through my eyelids, and I know I have to open them to turn it off. I force my lids open to stare at the screen and I jump up when I see the time written on the lock screen. 12:41pm. Crap. I told Louise I’d meet her at Costa at 1 o’clock, and it takes at least 15 minutes via the underground to get there.

I had initially set my alarm for 11am, but the call of warmth emanating from my bed was enough for me to press snooze half a dozen times and then turn off my alarm completely. I always tell myself, and others, that I’m going to make more of an effort to try and get up earlier and do more with my day, and yet here I am progressively becoming more and more of a night owl.

I drag myself out of my cocoon of warmth and shuffle my way towards the bathroom, cursing myself not so internally at my chronic laziness. As I stand in front of the mirror, scowling at my horrid curly bed head, I decide begrudgingly that a shower is non optional, so I turn back towards the door with the intention of grabbing a fresh pair of underwear. I'm not much of a nudist, even in my own home.

As I stand in front of the frame of the door, I notice something out of the corner of my eye, something that turns my blood cold, and makes me freeze. A giant, terrifying MOTH was clinging to the wall, just to the left of the door frame. I don't realise that I'm holding my breath, or even stumble backwards, until the wall that suddenly hits me from behind knocks the air out of my lungs in a very many squeal. What the fuck?! How did it get in here? There aren't any windows in here, not that I'd open them if there were.

Action must be taken, I decide, and the first step is getting myself away from The Beast, as I'd "affectionately" named it in my mind. I take a deep breath and force my legs to move, running through the door, not looking anywhere other than my bed, which I can see from the bathroom. I'm so focused on putting distance between myself and The Beast that I forget to stop, and fall onto my bed.

I sit up, and consider the options. I can't cancel on Louise now, she's probably already at the coffee shop. I can't tell her about my problem either, she'd just laugh at me. How am I going to shower and get out the door?

Suddenly, a face pops into my mind. My neighbour. Phil, I think he's called. He seems nice enough, maybe I could pretend my shower isn't working and ask to use his. Bingo.

I shove on some jeans and find clean clothes and leave my flat. Before I can overthink things I march straight over to Phil’s door and knock firmly three times. A few moments later the door opens and he’s standing there staring at me. It’s only then that I realise I didn’t bother to put on a shirt. Oops.

“Umm.. Hi?” He says, although the phrase sounds like a question. “Can I help you?”

“Hi, I answer back nervously. I’m Dan, your neighbour from across the hall. Listen, my shower isn't working and I need to be somewhere in about 5 minutes so do you mind if I use yours?”

He stands there looking at me blankly for a few milliseconds before his face illuminated with understanding.

“Oh okay ! He exclaimed, smiling. Of course, yeah, come in.” He motions for me to enter I do. He leads me towards the bathroom, which seems to be on the other side of the flat, just like mine, making small talk with me as he walks.

“So what’s wrong with your shower?” He asks.

“Oh, um, the … hot water’s not working. And the idea of a freezing shower isn’t really appealing, ya know ?” I stutter out. I hadn’t thought this far ahead in my broken shower theory.

“Right … well here’s the bathroom. Have fun, I guess” He says, and a bizarre look comes over his face. “That was a weird thing to say” He chuckles to himself, and leaves me, walking towards what looks like the living room judging from the corner of a sofa I can see through the crack in the door.

I stare dumbfounded for a few moments before collecting myself and entering the bathroom, locking the door behind me, after checking for monsters of course. I turn on the shower and let the hot water wash over me. Looking around I spy some shower gel, raspberry scented. As I didn’t think to bring my own, I resort to stealing Phil’s. I soap myself up, and my mind wanders to my neighbour. I had never really taken the time to really observe him. He was actually quite attractive. Those eyes, blue orbs that seem to capture the attention of all around him. In any case, they’d definitely captured my attention.

I cut the shower as short as I possibly can, not wanting to impose on Phil for too long, plus I’m sure i’m already really late for meeting Louise. I put on my clean clothes and hurry out of the bathroom.

“Phil?” I call, trying to locate him in the foreign flat, to let him know I’ve finished.

“In here” I hear, seemingly coming from the room I previously pegged as the living room. I hesitantly push open the door to find him sitting on the red sofa, elbows on knees, not looking at me but staring at nothing.

“I’ve-Err… finished in the bathroom. Thanks by the way” I shuffle from foot to foot nervously.

“I was thinking.” He says, still not looking at me. “About water”

“Okaaaay …?” He’s starting to freak me out a bit now. Maybe I should just run away and never look back.

“Whilst you were showering, I realised that our hot water comes from the same system, so it doesn’t make sense that you have no hot water but I do.” He looks at me with a pointed glare and folds his arms. “So what’s the deal?”

“Well.. I-um… what?” I can’t control the sounds coming out of my mouth. Shit, what’s he going to say? He probably thinks I’m a massive creep who used some stupid excuse to get into his flat and sniff his underwear or something.

“Well?” He presses, standing up quite aggressively.

“I’M NOT A PANTYSNIFFER!” I yell,realising too late the words that had come out of my mouth and cringe not-so-internally. What the fuck, brain?

“Huh?” He’s gone from looking angry to just plain confused. I figure I can’t really try to come out with some other stupid lie with holes all the way through, and I should probably just tell him the truth.

“I’m not some weirdo who tried to get into your apartment to smell your clothes or lick your eating utensils, okay? However yes, there isn’t a problem with my hot water. There’s actually nothing wrong with it.” I confessed.

“I never thought that about you” He tells me. “So why did you want to use my shower?”

“Well, to be honest it’s because there was a bug in my bathroom, and it scared me so much I sort of… ran away.” I look down at the floor, at my feet. It sounded so stupid coming out of my mouth.

“Oh!” Phil exclaims, his face washing over with relief. “Well you could have just said that ! What was it, a wasp? A hornet ? If it was it’s a good thing you got out, because they’re fierce little buggers. I think I have some bug spray underneath the sink if you want, we can go on a hornet hunt” He proposed, looking quite excited at the prospect of killing a theoretical hornet.

“No no, it wasn’t a wasp, or a hornet. It was… it was a moth, okay ?!”

“A moth! Seriously ? You resorted to coming over to a stranger’s house to have a shower because of a moth in your bathroom?” Phil exhales out, starting to laugh. I just standing there agape. I can’t believe he’s laughing at me!

“Don’t laugh ! I happen to hate moths, with a burning, fiery passion!” I yell trying to make him hear me over the sound of his guffaws.

“Sorry, I’m s-sorry..” He chokes out after a considerable effort to calm himself down. “It’s just- really? A phobia of moths?”

“YES! It’s a perfectly valid phobia!”

“Okay okay, I believe you !”

We stand there for a few moments just staring at each other before Phil blurts out:

“You could’ve just told me you know.”

“About the moth thing? No, you would’ve just laughed at me.”

“No I wouldn’t ! He insists. Listen, you’re going out right now yeah? Well once you get back, come knock on my door, and we’ll go on a moth hunt to evict the devil from your bathroom.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, of course”

“Okay then” I blush. I can’t believe he’s offering to catch a moth for me. This is so bizarre, yet I can’t help but find it really endearing.

“Great! It’s a date” He exclaims, winking at me making me blush even harder than I thought possible. He checks his phone for the time and looks back up at me.

“You should really be going, you were supposed to be gone about 15 minutes ago”

“Oh crap !” I shout, running back to the bathroom where I had left a few items. Phil guides me back to the front door, leaning on the frame as I turn back around to say goodbye.

“See you later, moth boy. Don’t forget to tell your friend you’re on your way, they’re probably worried” He adds, smirking at me.

I dragged my feet across the floor of the hallway, taking as much time as I could to get to my locker in a vain attempt to stall having to go into math class. I hated maths. Who ever need to know the solution to differential equations anyway? When was that rubbish ever actually useful in real life ? Arriving at my locker, I unlocked it and opened it to take out my comically oversized maths textbook, when I see a small piece of yellow paper fall to the ground. Huffing at having to bend over whilst holding the massive textbook, I grab the paper and look at it curiously. It’s folded in four and Phil is written on it in black ink, the handwriting neat and cursive. I shuffle my books around in order to open the note. As i unfold it, more black cursive writing reveals itself.

You’re beautiful. You’re beautiful. You’re beautiful, it’s true. I saw your face in a crowded place, And I don’t know what to do, ‘Cause I’ll never be with you. –Your Secret Admirer –

The first thing that came to mind was “Dafuq? Did I just get James Blunt quoted to me?”, but then came the blushing. I’d never had a secret admirer before. Who the hell would be interested in ME ?!? I looked around, as if the author of the note is watching me from around or corner or something. Unfortunately, I couldn’t that was visibly paying attention to me. As usual. The bell rang at that moment, forcing me to shove the note in my pocket and make my way towards Maths.

“So who do you think it could be?” My friend PJ asked 2 hours later in English, taking advantage of the fact that Mr. Smith, our teacher, was turned towards the board to correct the homework from yesterday. “I have no clue ! All I know is that they like James Blunt.” “JAMES BLUNT ?! Jesus on a boat ! You’re probably better off not knowing then !” He joked, but was silenced abruptly by Mr. Smith turning around and glaring at him. Mr. Smith don’t take no crap from nobody. The bell rang, and we raced to get back to our lockers, so we could stuff our things in there and go to lunch. As we approached my locker, I noticed our friends, Dan and Chris waiting for us. They had Art and always got out early, lucky ducks. I opened my locker and another yellow note fell to the floor. “Oooh, what’s that ?” Chris sang, bending down and snatching it up before I could react. “It would appear that our little Philly is growing up and attracting the ladies. Or lads. We don’t know. Either way, he has an admiiiiiiiiireeeeer !” PJ said, grinning wide. Chris laughed a little, opening up the note and reading it out:

“Baby, you light up my world like nobody else, The way that you flip your hair gets me overwhelmed, But when you smile at the ground it ain’t hard to tell, That you don’t know you’re beautiful, If only you saw what I can see, You’d understand why I want you so desperately, Right now I’m looking at you and I can’t believe, That you don’t know you’re beautiful –Your Secret Admirer xx –

Awww, so sappy !” Chris exclaimed, poking my now surely fuschia cheeks. “First James Blunt, now One Direction? Wow, this person’s music taste is weird !” PJ snorted. “Come on, OneD isn’t that bad !” Dan objected. “If you say so Danny boy. Chris teased. But the important thing is, who is this dude?” “I hope it IS a guy, otherwise there’s going to be some awkward conversations once I find out who it is.” I said. “Well everyone round here knows that you’re 100% flaming homosexual, so it’s probably a dude” PJ reasons. “Yeah, I suppose” I replied, feeling slightly relieved, but nonetheless curious. “But who could it be ?” “Well who do you want it to be ?” Dan pressed. “I don’t know ! It’s hard to imagine anyone feeling that way about me ! I bet it’s just a prank anyway. Come on, let’s go eat” I stated, pushing past the boys towards the lunch hall. I could swear I saw Pj and Dan share a look as I walked.

———– All week, at every break when I went to my locker to get my books, a new note would appear. This guy never seemed to run out of musical culture. The songs ranged from hard rock to musicals, pop to folk. I found myself liking him more and more each day, despite not knowing anything about him. How messed up is that ? But with every new note I’d read, I’d feel this pull towards Him, like those little scraps of paper contained part of His soul, which He revealed to me little by little. “Phil ? You listening mate ?” Dan’s voice knocked me out of my reverie, reminding me that we were in French lesson. “Sorry, I kind of zoned out for a bit” I apologized. “Thinking about mystery boy again?” He teased. “I just want to know who they are ! why don’t they just tell me ? Do I really look like I’d judge someone straight away without getting to know them ?” I whined. I was known around school as not being mean to anyone, so surely “mystery boy” as Dan called him couldn’t be scared of me ! “Maybe they’re just really shy ! I know that I could never just walk up to my crush and go ‘hey, I like you, wanna go out?’, I’d just fumble with my words and end up screwing the whole thing up.” “You have a crush? Who is it?” I asked, “No one, just leave it ! “ He blushed, turning his head away from me to avoid meeting my eyes. “Come on, tell me ! You can trust me !” I nagged, poking his sides. “No !” He said a bit too loudly, and our teacher turned to look at us with a death stare. “Daniel ! Philip ! Ecoutez, s’il vous plaît! Sinon je vais vous virer de cours!” (translation: Daniel ! Philip ! Listen please, or else I’ll throw you out of my lesson!) “Oui, madame Héchard” We chorused and turned back towards the board, but not before I whispered in Dan’s ear “I will find out who it is”. He shivered a bit which made me giggle. We mostly kept to ourselves for the rest of the lesson, passing notes to each other every now and again. I always get along with Dan more than with PJ and Chris. Not that they aren’t two of my best friends, I just connect with Dan more. We don’t need to talk when in each other’s company, we can just be. We stayed that way, silent but entertaining each other until the bell rang and we made our way towards the canteen.

Barely an hour passed before the next note. It was frustrating, this boy was waiting until my back was turned to slide the notes through the gaps of my locker. I was only gone for the 45 minutes it took me to hang out with the guys and eat lunch. Well whoever it is is obviously very keen, I think, as I read the lyrics written in the cursive script I had come to admire:

In your eyes I see you’re lonely, Look at me, I want you only We belong together this I know Just have to find the words to tell you so. I have my lines, story set, You look at me and I forget Thoughts are running through my head, Jumbled up and left unsaid – Your Secret Admirer xx –

PS: Want to know who I am ? RDV by your locker, after everyone else has left for the day.

The end of the day ? It was already 2 o’clock ! Does that mean I’d finally know who they were in just a few hours ? I started feeling anxious, my eyes blurred and I had to lean against the locker next to mine in order to retain some sort of verticality. A million thoughts all passe through my head at once. What if it was all a joke in the first place, and there would be a mob of angry homophobic teenagers waiting around a corner to jump me ? Nobody in school has ever been outwardly insulting to me because of my sexuality, but you never know. Or what if it’s real, but the author of the notes is just not attractive to me ? I’m such an awkward person, there’s no way I could turn someone down without it being truly awful. Since my only lesson was Maths, with Ms. Packman who couldn’t control a class if her life depended on it and therefore didn’t bother trying, I figured I could hide out in the bathroom until the end of day bell rang. I made my way towards the boy’s bathroom, but was stopped short by a hand on my shoulder: it was the headmistress, Mrs. Roxbury. “Skipping lessons, are we Phillip ? I don’t think so. Off to class, NOW.” Ah, crap.

——-

The bell finally rang 4 o’clock, and I couldn’t get to my locker quick enough. Of course, I knew He wouldn’t be there until everyone had left, since He was too shy to talk to my face I’m assuming He wouldn’t like to make a public spectacle of himself, but still I hurried to my locker. I stood there, watching people trickle out of the doors, eventually leaving me alone with my thoughts. Just as I was starting to think the whole thing was a joke, or that He had changed His mind about the whole thing, movement down the hall caught my eye. A paper airplane fell to the ground. A yellow airplane. I walk over to it, looking around for the propulsor, but they were nowhere to be seen. I picked it up and unfolded it, noticing some writing on the inside. It simply said “Turn around.” and so I did. To my surprise, someone was standing there… “Peej?!” I exclaimed. It couldn’t be him could it ? I had never even thought of him in that way before. He smiled at me, shaking his head then he winked. He moved his arms from behind his back, to reveal his beloved ukulele. He started strumming and… singing ? What the hell ?!?

Today, I’m laughing the clouds away, I hear what the flowers say, And drink every drop of rain,

He took a few steps back, and tilted his head at me, telling me wordlessly to follow him, before turning on his heel and walking off, leaving me there speechless. It took me a few seconds, but I was soon jogging to catch up with him.

And I see, Places that I have been, In ways that I’ve never seen, My side of the grass is green, Ooh I can’t believe that it’s so simple, It feels so natural to me

If this is love, Then love is easy, It’s the easiest thing to do

Chris appeared out of nowhere behind me, scaring the chiz out of me, harmonizing perfectly. I didn’t even know he could sing ! I decided that this whole thing was so unbelievable that I should just go with it.

If this is love Then love completes me, Cause it feels like I’ve been missing you, A simple equation, With no complications, To leave you confused, If this is love, love, love, Hmm it’s the easiest thing to do Do, do-do-do, do, do, Do-do-do, do do, Do-do-do, to you

We were nearing the corner in the corridor, when Chris placed his hands over my eyes. He guided me round the corner and took his hands away. And in front of me stood … Dan ?! He just smirked his signature smirk, which I always thought was extremely cute, and pulled out a yellow writing pad from behind him, and flipped the cover over. The page just had one word on it: “Hi.” I just stood there, dumbfounded. Dan liked me as more of a friend, and never told me ? How had this passed me by ?! We just stood there staring at each other, an entire silent conversation happening between our eyes, not even noticing when Peej and Chris finished singing. We were only knocked out of our stupor when they coughed and mumbled “Right, we’ll, um… leave you to it” and walked off the way we came. After they left, Dan seemed to be able to finally make his mouth work. Although, once he started he couldn’t stop. “Yeah, I was the one writing you the notes but it wasn’t a joke or anything like you thought it would be I just didn’t know how to go about telling you because I’m way too shy to just come out and say it …” I couldn’t help but chuckle at his rambling. I slowly walked over until I was standing right in front of him. He didn’t even notice because he was too busy ‘explaining’. “…and I wanted to do something sweet but not too cheesy even though I suppose this was really cheesy I just really like you and-” “DAN!” I shout, which finally get him to be quiet. He looks at me, obviously nervous. I roll my eyes at him and pull him towards me, bringing his lips to mine. After what seemed an eternity of hesitation, he returned my kiss, and I knew things would be good.

Only five minutes in, but so far everything seems fine. They’re taking questions from the crowd and discussing topics.

“You, with the pink hair” The voice of the technician says, pointing towards a girl midway through the crowd. The technician makes his way over to her and points the microphone at her face.

“Dan, will you play us anything on the piano that’s on stage ?” the girl asked.

Phil looks over at Dan, and he can see him looking uncomfortable.

"Ummm - uh, I d-don't know ..." he stuttered, glancing over at Phil, obviously wondering how to get out of it. But the damage was already done. The crowd was going crazy, chanting "play, Dan, play". Even the other Youtubers on stage were staring at Dan expectantly.

"Only if it's okay with the stage manager... " Dan says in a last ditch attempt to be able to say no without seeming like a dick. Unfortunately, Mr Stage Manager gives him the thumbs-up from the wings. Crap.

Dan stands up and makes his way over to the grand piano, sighing. What was he even going to play?

He sits down at the piano bench and stretches his fingers. As it always did, inspiration on what to play hits him at the last second before his fingers touched the keys.

My computer thinks I'm gay

I threw that piece of junk away

On the Champs-élysee

As I was walking home

This is my last communique Down the superhighway All that I have left to say in a single tome

He hasn't even realised that he’s started singing, but as his voice reverberates round the hall from the speakers, he’s transported into the world of his music. He forgets all about the crowd, the stage and the people on it. The words he’s singing and the chords coming out of the piano were the only things he hears. He closes his eyes in order to appreciate it to the full.

I got too many friends Too many people that I'll never meet And I'll never be there for I'll never be there for 'Cause I'll never be there

The undeniable truth of the words resonates in his head. This song conveys everything he felt on those bad days, the days when he saw posts on Twitter about a teenage girl or boy who'd say things like "I want to end it all Dan, what do I do?" or "follow me Dan or I'll cut myself" (Admittedly the former was more often than the latter, he was no Harry Styles), the days when he'd Tumblr posts saying that people had had horrible days, but felt better after watching his videos. There was so much pressure on him to be everyone's Saviour, but in reality he was worse off than them in a sense. He couldn't even help himself or of his existential crises, he needed someone with him to help him pull through. So how could he help someone else sort themselves out, when he was such a mess himself.

If I could give it all away Would it come back to me someday? Like a needle in the hay or an expensive stone

But I got a reason to declaim The applications are to blame For all my sorrow and my pain A feeling so alone

I got too many friends Too many people that I'll never meet And I'll never be there for I'll never be there for 'Cause I'll never be there

Dan may be in his own world, but everyone else is avidly watching him. The crowd is completely silent, a first for Vidcon’s main stage.The Youtubers on stage are pretty quiet too, hearing the resonance in Dan’s words. Phil is the only one unfazed by the playing: he’s seen Dan play -and sing- many a time, and especially this song in particular.He was shocked however: whenever dan played this song, he tended to spend the rest of the day in his room, away from the world, which would be impossible in the middle of Vidcon.

My computer thinks I’m gay

what’s the difference anyway

when all the people do all day

Is stare into a phone?

I got too many friends

Too many people that I’ll never meet

And I’ll never be there for

I’ll never be there for

‘Cause I’ll never be there

Dan is pulled from his world of music as the last notes ring out from the piano. He hadn’t noticed the tears falling from his face, but as he lifts his hand and wipes the tear stain from his cheek, he can’t deny it. The fact that thousands of people are watching him crashed through his brain, and he looks up to see all their faces, gawking at him in silence. Starting to panic, he looks up at Phil desperately. Phil understands what Dan is saying with his eyes, stands up and quickly makes his way towards the brunet. He grabs the man by his arm and pulls him off the bench and together they almost run off stage, ignoring the crowd that has been knocked out of their stupor and that are now shouting after them. They run through the vidcon halls, earning them some bizarre looks, down the road to their hotel, up the stairs to the 3rd floor instead of taking the lift like they would normally have done, and they don’t stop until they were inside their room.

As soon as Phil shuts the door, Dan cracks. He falls down to the floor, puts his head in between his legs with his hands around the back of his neck, and starts crying.

Phil sits down next to him and wraps his arms around him, knowing it’s going to be a while before Dan’s capacity for communication returns.

~~~~LINEBREAKLINEBREAKLINEBREAK~~~~

About an hour and a half later, the pair still haven’t moved from the spot on the floor, although they have changed position. Phil is sitting upright with his legs straight out, and Dan is now lying down, curled up in a ball with his head in Phil’s lap, his wrecked sobs have turned into the odd hiccup and sniffle. After a fair while crying his eyes out embarrassingly loudly, he was subdued by Phil alternating between stroking his arm and his hair.

“What am I going to do, Phil?” Dan asks, his voice croaky. It's the first thing he’s said since he left the stage.

“What do you mean ?” Phil questions, already knowing the answer.

“About the subscribers! I bared my heart out to them unintendedly on stage, at the biggest Youtube convention of the year, and then ran off in tears ! I’ll never be able to go on the internet again !!” He whines, his eyes filling back up with tears.

Phil pulls Dan closer, gently rocking them back and forth in an attempt to quell Dan’s growing anxiety.

“Shhhh” He reassures “It’ll be fine. You know they’ll understand. They’re not idiots, they’ll know you don’t want to talk about it, so they’ll keep their mouths shut. Hopefully. But if they don’t, I’ll… throw pebbles at them.”

“Thanks Phil, you always know what to say. I don’t know what I’d do without you sometimes” Dan admits.

“You’d be a very sad lawyer” The black haired man jokes, making them both giggle. “But you know, the feeling’s mutual. I wouldn’t be nearly as happy as I am today without you”.

Since birth, I’ve been hearing impaired. Completely, 100% deaf. The world is a silent place to me, peaceful but frustrating. It’s been the cause of so many problems for me, I’ve come to resent it so much. The kids in my neighbourhood used to tease me by yelling profanities at me, knowing that I would never hear them. I didn’t even know they were doing it until they did it around one of my partially deaf friends, who signed what they where saying to me. After that, they’d throw rocks at me to get my attention, only to mime rude things at me once I’d turned around.

If only I could’ve gone to a normal school, or get a normal job, or just listen to music. I’m sure I’d love music if I could only hear it. But the thing I long for most of all, is simply to hear my boyfriend’s voice. My sweet, kind boyfriend Phil. We met at the town hall. I had to give some papers in and the girl I was trying to communicate with was supposed to know sign language, but she clearly lied on her resume. So Phil, a complete stranger at the time, stepped in to help translate. Five years later, we were living together and I couldn’t be happier.

I get knocked out of my reverie by the man himself, who chucked a plush toy at my head. I turn around to look at him and he signs:

“Are you ready? We need to go if we want to get to your appointment on time”

“Yeah” I sign back. “Let’s go”.

 ------------

 I lie in my hospital bed, in the horrendous gown they made me wear, holding Phil’s hand like my life depended on it. Now that the moment has come, I’m starting to get more and more nervous. My palms are sweating, and I’m concentrating on breathing in and out slowly, trying to keep a panic attack at bay. Phil, who hadn’t left my side once all day, notices my gradual fall into silence and can’t help but comment on it. He slips his hand out of mine in order to sign, leaving mine grasping at nothing.

“Are you sure you want to do this Dan?” He signs, looking worried. That didn’t exactly help me calm down.

“Of course” I lie. “I’ve wanted this for so long.”

“I know, but are you sure you want to do this NOW?” He asks. I know what he’s getting at. I could get up and leave right now, and come back another day, but if I do that I’m giving in to my fears, and I’ll never feel comfortable enough to ever come back.

“I’m sure.” I sign, a resolute look on my face. I take his hand back in mine, effectively cutting off any chance of him convincing me otherwise. I can’t help but notice the slightly annoyed look on his face that I’m not letting him communicate. Well, tough.

A nurse gets my attention by tapping my leg. I look at her and she signs: “It’s time. Are you ready?”

I nod, and she leaves only to return a few moments later with another nurse, and they take positions on either side of my bed. As they start to push me away, Phil signs at me “I love you”. I answer with a quick “me too” before I’m taken out of sight and towards a large white door, where my future lay.

  I slowly regain consciousness. The world is blurry, as my eyes take time to adjust to the light in the room, but something is very different. There are .... noises. Things. A nurse is next to me checking the machines hooked up to my body, and I can hear the sound that the buttons she presses make. I can hear the sound of her shoes on the linoleum floor. I can hear everything.

I feel a tap on my arm, and when I turn my head I see the beautiful blue eyes of my boyfriend. He smiles at me and opens his mouth:

“Hey Dan, did it work? Can you hear me ?”

I start to feel my eyes well up with tears. His voice is just as perfect as I imagined. No, MORE perfect. I have no idea what he said, but the sound is enough for me to know that I love his voice. I figured he asked me if I could hear, so I just nod furiously and throw myself at him, not caring that I was pulling on all the tubes currently inserted into my body. I put my arms around him and squeeze as hard as I can, the tears flowing freely now. God, is this what I sound like when I cry ? Eurgh, I’m going to have to cry silently from now on, that sounds horrible!