Some days I don't feel like a person, ya know? Like a girl asks me what interests I have and I sorta blank out? Like, yeah, I do stuff all day, but it all sort of flows past me. I learn a lot of things like history or whatever but if you asked me what are some of the more interesting stuff I read or learned or whatever I couldn't tell you. Far too often this results are me existing in the periphery of any friend group, the other girls talking with each other and laughing and I sit in the corner making a half hearted joke they kinda laugh at but not really and they're my friends in theory but like. I can barely find things to talk to them about. I remember when I was dating my ex it was so easy to come up with stuff to talk about, we'd chat for hours every day. It's been tough without him lately. He was my best friend as much a romantic partner. It feels like the good times are over now that he left. The omens are dark on the horizon of late. I've tried desperately to recreate that connection with anyone, and all it's ended up giving to me are friends who I can't talk with and one night stands with girls I shouldn't have bothered with trying to cultivate anything more with. It doesn't even hurt that bad, thank God it doesn't. I've hurt a LOT of breakups in my day but like. I just feel kinda lost nowadays. Before I could wake up and everyday say good morning to him and have a little chat. I have girls I say good morning to nowadays but they'll just say good morning back and maybe some small talk and nothing more. I dunno I just. Don't feel like I can support that kind of relationship anymore based on how well it's gone for me lately. Yeah it's been a lonely lonely time over here. Morale is low and there is no indication it'll get lighter anytime soon. It stinks.
you are falling prey to a classic trap of individualism. I heard you say, "I don't really seem to vibe with the people I have right now, I miss this one specific person that was so much better" and then... conclude that you're fundamentally broken somehow? girl no the material conditions.
so, my first suggestion: consider that what you have are acquaintances and what you really want is friends. even if you reject the idea, considering it might help you define the exact shape of your dissatisfaction.
finding new people is it's own can of worms, so for now let's set that aside and assume that you're working with the people you got. I'm going to guess, and it's educated but it is just a guess, that one of the reasons you miss your ex is because you felt like you didn't have to censor yourself. you felt that you could speak more freely, without worry.
according to three decades of consistent feedback, I'm a very strange person. this is a neutral-to-positive thing to me, but it does mean that I'm often in a position where I have to explain myself. this is often very exhausting and, sometimes, results in tragic misunderstandings.
I tried limiting myself and only giving people what I thought they could handle, but (and it sounds like you might be having a similar experience) I found that I was both making myself uninteresting and displaying my unfamiliarity with the role I was trying to play.
at some point, I started leaning into being weird. I was absolutely astounded to discover that people, even the people who decide negative things about me because of it, are attracted to it.
instead of focusing on avoiding having to explain, I got better at explaining myself. I won't pretend this is completely comfortable, it makes me want to tear my face off and scream regularly, but it beats just feeling an inexplicable lonely alien all the time.
plus like. have you ever made fun of someone for being a normie, but in a way that they can't understand because they're too obsessed with being normal, and they left feeling like you put on a show for them? it's hysterical. they're so afraid of being weird, the poor things.
so that's my second suggestion: consider that you are being stifled by your environment and, bolded and underlined, you have more control than you realize.
as your attorney, I advise you to go to a nearby suburban neighborhood (ideally one that annoys you), stand in the middle of the road, scream at the top of your lungs for about a minute, and then leave. if anyone tries to talk to you, run. remember that if they can't stop you then the rules don't matter, "was anyone hurt?" is a fine retort. rattle the bars of your cage.
I love you, set something on fire.
