#like right

i have a strange relationship with april 6th where it is simultaneously the proudest achievement i have and also my white whale that i will forever be chasing

which is funny because looking back at it now, years later, i'd probably write it differently at this stage in my life? i think i've grown a lot as a writer and there are parts to me that read clunky or messy and i think i could have pushed things a lot further

but it's also like. idk, i'd never made a fic About anything before. I'd never even made a full completed piece of fiction? and then i went from "a few oneshots scattered over the course of several years and fandoms" to this fucking.... multimedia epic. this thing i updated in real time. this thing i learned to PROGRAM TWINE GAMES for. this thing i got reviews on that said it helped people deal with their own grief, that i feel like Actually spoke to people?

and that's a high fucking bar to reach! it was a very specific and precise fluke that came from a lot of things all at once- me processing my OWN feelings of loss and fear about the future after 2020. my own slow and delicate tiptoe into a new relationship where everything was uncertain and scary. my personal way of getting revenge-via-success after a year-long burnout inflicted by a really bad friendship that had a really negative impact on me creatively and killed all my confidence in my ability to finish things.

so it's like. weird having this relationship with a piece of my own work that is so Symbolic? weird having a relationship with my own creation where it is simultaneously My Testament To My Own Ability and also The Rival Whose Shadow I'm Always Chasing.

AND IT'S NOT EVEN LIKE... I don't necessarily think it's my best writing, you know? On a purely technical level, it's definitely not BAD but i've grown as a writer since then and I think I've learned new strengths and have continued to improve