#lightworkerproblems

I am struggling with myself over relationships. The ego is convinced that I will never in a romantic relationship. I here all day in my head all of my flaws. “your over weight, you fart to much, you have no skills other then being a father and no one wants kids right now, your too scary”...... all of which are factual but in the most negative light possible. I fight these voices every day. I know that I have a lot of good points that someone might be attracted to but, they are hard to think about over the negative other voice. So I feel I have nothing to offer anther being, other then attention. 

Now through out my life I have distract myself form this inner turmoil. first it was over eating. I wasn’t sad or in pain when I was full. So i eat my pain away. As a “bonus” it reinforced the negative image that I had by keeping me over weight. Next it was friends I throw myself in to the social connections I made in collage. They like me where outsiders, but like with eating there was a downside. They really didn’t need me as much as I needed them. Also they all had their own problems and lives. So I left because I was over committing and become offended went they couldn't stop the pain. So next I turned to weed. this works for the most part with the lest side effects but, Two big problems with it is one the question of legality of use ...which it is not legal for “recreational” use where I live so this leads to the other problem. I have to hide my use for most people. And those friends don’t feel as comfortable breaking the law. So I can share myself fully with them. 

So I have resolved to no longer hide or dull my pain. But, what does that even mean.... I came up with all this bullshit to cover the fact that I never though I was good enough for girls I was attracted to. Over the years (30 of them) I have opened up and asked two or three girls out. As you can guess it never went to well. So what do i do? The pain gets worse every time it goes wrong. So I have giving my heart up to fate. I will not reach out anymore. I will let others squander the connection I hold most dear, because I feel as if I have run out of strength. my hopes are dead

All of that being said. I am a light worker. I champion for those that cant speak for themselves. I work with the developmentally challenged. I can hear when they are in pain and what they mean even without words. I can heal there pain and be their friend with no issue. Even help them learn to connect with others who aren’t me.