#lighttrain

Biting my nails and they taste like blood. They taste like blood and sweat and drowsiness. That kind of heavy drowsy that hits the back of your throat. The drowsy that stays. That sticks. It tastes like the depravation. The mucus and the ache radiating from bleached anemic bones and blood that would be washed white if you let it flow. It would look like tired soapy water cascading over dishes that aren't considered dirty but have been washed over and over unrinsed so that all their history is just baked on for years.

He's just a man for god's sake and i'm sitting on the edge of a nightmare with a typewriter and a fucking noose around my neck trying to get the disease that's inside of me onto this fucking paper. Maybe I'd be better off hurling this entire metal dictionary with its ribbons and lead typefaces and gentle humming purrs across the room and just start picking up the paintbrushes that are scattered across the floor. Forget the ink. Forget the punctuation. The capitalization. The spelling. The fog horn is rolling in like morning across the horizon and the children are screaming while the wind is taking their voices like their souls and their words and the gossamer strands of their sunday evening skirts and their shoes. I can't write anymore about the fragile curve of the earth. I can't talk about the sunbeams and the rainfall although I would really love to breathe in that lavender again. She's chasing lace with whiskey fingers and the fingerprints imprinted in ash are fading away and everything everything looks like mold and spores and rotting pieces of the life that I left when you left me. The beat is coming in. Sinking heavy in my ears and my tongue and I wish music could fill this gaping growing mutating (whole) hole inside my fucking chest. Feeling the depth of honey and filth and the almond shapes that brought me down so willingly and quickly to my knees but it's blocked now. It's barred out like a computer virus or the sound of a digital error, so pixelated, the corners so sharp yet so blurry, so useless when grouped together.