If someone asks you about your dick length and it makes you uncomfortable, rip theirs off and tell them "Longer than yours."

Note to self: tag posts when reblogging so that you don't end up spending the entire day going through posts and editing. 

Don't wear questionably made heels 36 hours before you're supposed to walk down the aisle as your best friend's maid of honor. You will catch the heel on the carpet. The heel will snap in half. You will fall, not gracefully, to the ground. You will severely sprain your ankle. You will not be able to walk. You will have to tell the bride you're an idiot. You will walk down the aisle and dance the night away regardless, and you will end up in your bed three days later wondering if this is what is feels like to have muscles ripped off your bones.