#life is unpredictable

Hi hi helloo!!

Ill probably be posting lower quality art or even sketch book art for a bit, or maybe ill just be posting less idk. Maybe ill post pics of my plushies out in the wild, im trying to get better at going out anyway! Idk how i react to the situation im in cuz its a first for me, maybe ill be drawing MORE art, its a gamble (probably not tho)

The pain has been bad. Neck, shoulder and upper back pain. I even had to pull out my heating pad which I haven’t needed to use in almost a year.

I’ve had this pain before but it’s been quite a while. I haven’t called the pain clinic, yet. I may do that tomorrow.

Over the course of the day, I’ve had to take a Celebrex, Extra strength Tylenol and 3 Hydromorphone pills. That’s a lot for me - especially, when I’m not even being active or running. For someone with the amount of bone mets that I have, this isn’t actually much but it feels like it’s a lot and now my head feels “squishy”.

Earlier, I forced myself to get out of the house to the grocery store to get a few things and pick up my medication.

I even kept it together long enough to call my volunteer health coaching participants.

But, I am still really sad. It feels like when I get to a point of taking some steps forward, I take 10 steps back.

I don’t know how I’m going to do the race this weekend. It doesn’t seem feasible. I’m not going to bounce back in a day. To say “I’m disappointed” is massive understatement. I was really looking forward to this event.

The frustrating thing is that I don’t even know what I did to trigger the pain. I do remember hearing a “crunch” yesterday when I turned my head and again, today. That sometimes causes some pain and stiffness for a week or two. I’m not sure what’s happening in there when crunching happens. I don’t want to know.

This body is so unpredictable.

I’m bummed. 😔

Anyway, whatever…

I need to get off my pity pot.

*sniff* *sniff*

A few old photos popped up in my memories:

My Mom, sister and me at Expo 86 in Vancouver. I would have been close to 10 years old and my sister was about 6.

This photo was my Mom, sister and me on Mother’s Day. 2016. Those were better days.

Below are a couple more photos of us in 2016. Including Vegas, The Bengal Lounge (Victoria - before it closed down) & going to a Canucks game.

Ahhh… simpler times. 2016 was a decent year. The last year of my 30’s. I was told, “life starts at 40”. What a pile of shit that was. 😒 *sigh*

Regardless, I know we are put on this earth to learn. Many of us learn through suffering. Through that, we build resilience. We learn what we are capable of and then can show others what is possible.

Even as time passes and the winds change, you leave the places you knew and start something fresh,

Still there is a part of you that tingles on the reminder,

there is a wound which itches to pull your attention to all the lost dreams and the broken hearts,

Do you ever recover?

from the trauma of your broken dreams,

Do you ever really forget the massacre of your ambitions, and the pieces wrecked beyond repair

Do you ever forget the humiliation,the black hole of sadness that grows in the pit of your stomach at the mere mention of it

You try to evolve,grow,maybe move on

But sometimes that shattering was too big, that dream was too profound,and that life was too unfair

to ever forget and heal