The court transcripts from the famous 1974 Liability Dispute were recently unearthed. Sadly, due to extensive water damage, only the last page of this historic document remains legible. Feast your eyes on this fragment, which gives us just a tiny bit of insight into what it was like to be there in the audience on that legendary day.

MATTY: You’re a lying sack of scum!

JIMMY: No you are!

MATTY: No you are!

JIMMY: No you are!

MATTY: I know you are, but what am I?

JIMMY: You’re a lying sack of scum!

MATTY: Touché.

JUDGE: We appear to be at an impasse, gentlemen. May I make a suggestion?

MATTY: You may.

JIMMY: Fo shizzle.

JUDGE: There’s an ancient judging technique that was passed down to me by my father and passed down to him by his father and passed down to him by his father and...

JIMMY: We get it, Judge.

JUDGE: Oh, good. I was worried I was going to have to say that like 1,276 more times for you to get the point. Anyway, my father told me that this technique is only to be used in the most dire of circumstances, and I think this one fits the bill, don’t you?

MATTY: Oh, yes judge.

JIMMY: Bipity bopity, zippity zoppity. 

JUDGE: Good. Now I’m going to need you boys to close your eyes while I perform this ritual. Otherwise it won’t work. 

MATTY: Okay.

JIMMY: Dope.

JUDGE: Are your eyes closed?

MATTY: Yes.

JIMMY: You know it, homey.

JUDGE: Good. Oh, and everyone else close your eyes too. Thank you. Now I will perform the ancient ritual. Oh ancient judge spirits, give me the power to perform this ancient judging ritual to the best of my abilities! Amen. (Clears throat) Eeny meeny miney moe. Catch a tiger by the toe. If he hollers let him go. Eeny meeny miney moe. My mother told me to pick the very best one and you are it. You can both open your eyes now. Matty, you win.

MATTY: Yay!

JIMMY: Dag yo.

End of transcript.