#lftseries

Yesterday when I was done for the night, Roland made a sorry attempt at mocking my red trench coat by saying that it looked like a girl’s jacket.  Joke’s on him: it IS a girl’s jacket!  That ignoramus is really striking out lately.  I couldn’t find the words to tell him this though.  With all my courage I mustered up the phrase, “You’re a girl’s jacket,” which is still hilarious to me, but I believe this joke has played its course.

My recent banter with Roland has got me thinking that maybe others are curious as to why I wear a woman’s trench coat.  Which then led me to think that people may believe that I

Enjoy wearing woman’s clothing

Harmed a female in obtaining the jacket, or

Often wear jacket’s that accentuate my hips

I decided to clear the air by telling my story of how I received this jacket in hopes to eliminate the above speculations.

Several months ago Jackie tried to hire an intern named Angie.  When she stepped into the office I was just about to indulge in a Naga Viper Red Curry that Noah gave me (because he knows that I like spicy food) when I picked up on Angie’s aroma of apricot, raspberry, and blood orange which was clearly Daisy by Marc Jacobs.  I wanted to run and get a glimpse of this celestial child, but I didn’t want to scare her off like I did with the last intern.  But I got my chance gaze upon her when that boor of a derelict, Josh, ran over Angie’s foot with a hand cart.  Her powder soft skin and Golden Fleece hair was everything I imagined and more.

To my dismay she left before she even started working like most of them do.  I looked out my window and watched her walk out the building’s front door in a hurry as I began to eat my Naga Viper Curry.  As I began to take my first few bites I noticed that the end of her white Burberry cashmere scarf got caught when the door shut and fell off her slender neck.  This was a very expensive scarf and I didn’t want to see her leave without it.  Just then I realized that Noah’s curry was a little too hot for my palate.  I enjoy spicy food and can usually handle the hottest peppers around, but this curry was outside of my wheelhouse.  My mouth started to swell as I experienced a burning sensation that was like Satan himself shat lava directly onto my tongue.  I looked at the Scoville Units that were listed on the lid of the curry and it read 1,349,000 SHU!   Just for reference, your typical jalapeno has a Scoville Heat Unit rating of about 2500 SHU!

My eyes began to water profusely and my face ballooned up like the henchman Thunder from Big Trouble in Little China when he died.  This minor predicament was not going to stop me from making sure that this sweet innocent girl does not lose her scarf!  I hurried down stairs and out the door to pick up this delicate and supple piece of fabric.  The swelling of my face began to constrict my breathing which resulted in me panting and heaving for air.

I had the scarf in my grasp, but Angie was already a block and a half away.  I tried to call out her name, but my swollen bronchial tubes could not project my words loud enough.  I started to run after her in hopes to deliver the scarf back to her possession.  I did not want to risk the scarf getting soiled by the ground by me carrying it, so I wrapped it around my neck for safe keeping.  Running to her was not an easy feat with the limited oxygen supply that was available to me.

When I was about thirty feet away I tried again to call out to Angie in hopes that she would slow down.  My attempt to say “Angie” was completely incoherent the first time around so I tried a simpler word by saying “scarf”.  Unfortunately my tongue was so swollen that I failed to correctly pronounce the “S” sound, so I yelled out “Arf” several times. Angie looked back at me, screamed, and moved even faster away from me.

I understand that I was not in the most presentable condition, but I knew she would appreciate me reuniting her with her $300 scarf.  She turned down an ally, and I followed.  The ally came to a dead end.  I did not want her to feel like I was trapping her, so I passively held up my hands in front of me.  I continued to try and say “scarf” but my words again just came out as “arf”.  She screamed more and panicked.  She turned around quickly and tripped over a cinder block.  I grabbed onto the sleeve of her red trench coat which prevented her from falling, but she was alarmed so she began to struggle to get free.  She pulled out a small can of mace and sprayed my mouth and eyes.  The spray actually cooled down the burning in my mouth because your average commercial pepper spray has a Scoville Unit rating of around 500,000 SHU which was about a third of the heat that was in my mouth from the curry.  The mace in the eyes didn’t help though.

I didn’t see what exactly happened next, but I found myself holding the red trench coat with the scarf still around my neck while I heard her footsteps frantically running away from me.  I tried to follow the sound of her feet until I heard her phone dial and her voice say, “Help! There’s a barking man chasing after me like a dog!”  I then realized that I was doing more harm than good, so I stumbled my way back to the office.