#lexjust

I was leaving class tonight and experienced near painful nostalgia and I remember that part of my life was largely consumed by Tumblr. So here I am.

I am back in school after 4 years. a lot has changed.

The last few weeks with Josh have been really great and very happy. This is a big deal considering the last year has been difficult and the last few months were exceptionally painful for me.

I left class and it felt so nice outside. Everything is pitch black now by 645pm so by 905pm when I leave class, its definitely hard to see. But it actually wasn't. My college has lots of lighting. I'm not sure if it's new or was always there. This is my first evening class. Anyway, it's nice. I feel safe.

I walked out of my lecture hall and instinctively looked behind me and to the side in both ways to clear my surroundings. it's a habit. I'm painfully paranoid. I looked behind me and had to do a double take. To my left was the pretty science building. I took an evolution class in a dome there. It was cool. I also took an oceanography class. Since starting school, I realized this was my first semester back since being without the person I started that experience with. It was weird. And then everything else came along with that realization.

It was the worst time of my life and every class I took on that campus reminds me of it. I remember skipping oceanography in an effort to avoid the person that consumes so much my memories there.

The class I have at night is in the same room we had our anthropology class in. It looks so much smaller now which is weird because I counted and theres like, 100 fucking seats.

I remember leaving in the middle of my math class speechless and in tears finding out where he was when I went to his house for Thanksgiving and he wasn't there. It was gloomy and had finished raining shortly before my class started. When i left, everything was still wet. I took a bend in the road way too fast and my car spun out in traffic. I'm not religious but I'm still astounded I didn't get hurt and that everyone was able to come to a safe stop to let my car rest. I remember looking at a tree as I was heading toward the sidewalk and just closing my eyes. I pulled over into a parking lot and cried for about 15 minutes. I cried and I screamed and I wished I had hit the fuckin tree. I didn't know if I wanted to die on that particular day (there were many days when I wanted to) but I liked the idea of being unconscious for a while.

Im in bed and Josh is with me. I like when it's silent and he tells me he loves me. I'm relieved things have been so nice. I'm afraid of things being bad again. He twitches a lot in his sleep but he always has to be touching me. I like when he twitches and his fingers bend slightly into my ribs. I like feeling him twitch. I miss his skin when I'm not with him.

kinda miss tumblr.

im just in a good place now. i used to use this as my sad space.

anyway. i found the best lover i could ever dream of. im hoping this lasts forever but i know it wont. so im just gonna soak it up while i can. this is joshua. 

He didnt answer. 

It just sucks that someone so loving and so great could show such minimal interest and effort in making this work.

When he told our friend, his roommate, we were dating, he asked josh if he really wanted to be tied down to a phone call every night. What’s funny is i never get a phone call. Ever. 

It sucks when people ask why i always drive out there and why he never comes to see me. And thats the thing. He doesnt come to see me. Hes gracious enough to stop at my house to say hi and bye on his way back home after dropping his daughter off. 

And i hate that the only way this will last is if I move.

I dont want to move. I want to stay here. I have everyone i need and want here. And thats just it. I have everyone i need here. I cant forget that.

I cant lose myself like i did before. And whats conflicting is that i havent. I feel like if im not loving madly, furiously, crazily, its not how i thought it was at first. But i dont know. We have healthy communication skills and we are transparent with one another so neither of us have trust issues. Thats a change. A really nice one.

But the moving thing: this is what gets me. Josh moved to Carmel because his bosses opened up an office there. They had a place for him to live, rent free. I hate when he talks shit to me and makes me feel lame because im so, “reluctant to change and move and try new things”. No. Thats not what it is. Where you live does not interest me. What’s there for me besides you? And thats the thing. I made the mistake of making a boy my God before and I learned from that and i wont ever do it again. Im not capable anymore. Its almost scary.

Leaving here would mean i would leave my family and my best friend. I would leave my jobs. I would leave for the unknown. He never did. He moved with his best friend, coworker. He had a place to live. He didnt have to worry about rent. He didnt have to worry about finding a new job. Starting over.

Id like to think in a year from now, I could come around to the idea. I would move, go back to school, transfer, work my ass off and it would all be okay. Maybe we would break up and I would be on my own, all by myself in this new place. It seems nice, but also terrifying and completely unnecessary.

Anyway. I just dont feel complete and i feel like this was dumb of us because im not going there and hes not coming here and we are just killing time loving each other, I dont know.