#levance

It’s like wishing for rain as I stand in the desert,

A conflicted heart was a burden to carry, worse when someone knew exactly what they wanted but knew that they could never really have. Emmeline looked at the man in front of her and knew he was exactly what she wanted, she knew that he was all she could have ever wanted, all she would ever want. He was so close, within her grasp, yet so distant, so far. A bitter sweet feeling lingered around her, causing her chest to ache. Her mouth opened, so many words flickering through her mind yet none seemed to roll of tongue, instead getting caught in the lump that was stuck in her throat.

Rodolphus looked at her expectantly, his bright blue eyes staring straight into her own, causing her to feel more on edge than usual. Emmeline shook her head, searching for the right words to use, to tell him exactly what she had been trying to for the past week. Moving closer towards him, Emmeline raised her hands ever so slightly, leaving them to waver in the air for a moment as she contemplated on whether to touch him or not; knowing full well how distracting the feel of his skin was against her own, just as much as his presence. Rodolphus slightly swayed forward, leaning in towards her. Slowly, she pressed her hands to either side of his face, rubbing her thumbs softly against his skin, enjoying the feel of warmth from his face pressed against her palms. 

''Rodolphus.'' Emmeline whispered ever so quietly, her gaze lingering on his face. He continued to stare into her eyes, full of confusion yet a sincere look remained on his face, almost as if he knew the words she wanted to desperately to say, yet waiting for her to clarify his thoughts. ''I,I..'' She stumbled out, tripping over her own words, causing her to shake her head, mentally cursing herself.

Emmeline knew that she shouldn't feel this way, she knew that she shouldn't have let herself fall for him, knowing that there would be nothing but pain in the end. Yet that didn't stop the feeling she got every time she laid eyes on him. The beating her heart would increase, a smile would pull at her lips. It was almost a reflex when seeing him, something that she could not control. Her feelings were something that she could not control, not being able to keep her balance causing her to fall, and fall hard.

The feeling of being conflicted with her own emotions was a effect Rodolphus had over her, leaving her to go to war with her head and her heart. Her mind told her to stop being such a fool, to remember what they were both to become, warning her about the future, she knew what was to come. Yet she couldn't force herself to think of the future, all she could think about was now, all she could think about was Rodolphus. Emmeline knew that this was never going to last for as long as she would have wanted, of course it wouldn't, if it did, her and Rodolphus would never have to bid goodbye.

It was strange, how in such little time together, he had managed to win her over, steal her heart, completely consume her. His presence alone overwhelmed her, his smile giving her a giddy feeling. They both started out as a mystery towards one another, each to them finding themselves intrigued, almost allured. Although, even now, him being a open book for her to read, Emmeline remained engrossed in him, he continued to constantly surprise, make her second guess herself, make her feel things that she had never felt before. Emmeline Vance had never been in love, yet she was almost certain this was it, as much as a fool that she was to have fallen, she did, and undeniably, she didn't try to fight it, simply allowing it to take over her very heart.

And then there was her heart, for so long it had felt broken, beyond repair, almost unfixable. Yes, there would always be a hole punctured in her chest, a whole that would never be mended. Yet, when around Rodolphus, it almost felt as if it was patched up, in a strange yet pleasant way. He eased her wounds, her worries and her fears. When around him, she felt nothing but a sense of safety, of wholeness. Emmeline had walked the earth for feeling half full and barely even realising it until she met Rodolphus, as childish and cliché as it sounded, it was like he completed her, made her whole again. 

Even knowing that he would never be hers, not really, knowing that he belonged to another woman, in this moment, in all of the moments they shared, he was hers. Emmeline could no longer deny nor push off what she was feeling, it was all far too obvious for her to attempt to overlook. She couldn't prevent the flutter in her stomach at the sight of him, she could not push away the longing feeling in her heart when they touched. Emmeline would have been a fool to pretend that this, that he, was nothing more than a feeble crush to her, this was far more than just a mutual attraction. 

''Rodolphus.'' Emmeline repeated once again, only now her voice was much more confident than before, much more bold. She took note of the small glimmer in his eyes, causing a soft smile to appear on her lips. ''There is something that I have been meaning to tell you, its been.. on my mind for a while now.'' She continued to speak, surprised at how even her voice sounded. Rodolphus' lips twitched slightly, although his face remained composed. She secretly envied him for that, for being able to keep his calm even with everything going on. It also worried her, not being able to see what he felt, as he was able at keeping his composure, having the ability to show no emotion. Emmeline inhaled a deep breath, preparing herself for whatever was to come next after the words rolled off her tongue. There was the constant fear of rejection, or worse, itching at the back of her mind, preventing her from fully being able to pour herself to him. 

''I think..'' Emmeline began to speak, only to trail off, shaking her head at her own words. ''No.'' She spoke in a stubborn tone, furrowing her eyebrows as she sucked in another breath. Confusion crossed Rodolphus' eyes, causing Emmeline to bite down on her bottom lip in frustration. She wanted to hex herself for being so stupid, for not being able to just spit it out and be done with it. Her mind was screaming at her, willing for her to walk away and pretend nothing was wrong, that there wasn't anything she wanted to tell him, that it was nothing. Her heart knew better, forcing her to stay, to follow with what she so badly wanted to say, that she knew he needed to hear. Despite knowing it wouldn't make a difference in the end, it would make a difference to now, it would make a difference to her. To know he knew how she felt, to know that through this war, through it all, she would always love him. Emmeline had no doubt she would, she knew at times she would hate him, wish that she had never set sights on him; yet through it all, she knew, deep in her heart, from this day on, Emmeline would always love Rodolphus. 

''I love you. I do.. and I know you may think of me as a fool to do so, but then call me a fool. I am in love with you and I needed you to hear it because I couldn't live with a regret, I wouldn't be able to see you and know that you wasn't aware of how I felt, of how you make me feel and I just..'' Emmeline trailed off, tearing her gaze from his face and staring at the floor, blushing slightly at her rambling outburst. She looked up again, staring into his eyes. Rodolphus' eyes gleamed at the words, a look in his eye she couldn't quite place, but it hurt her all the same. In that moment, Emmeline swore that, for the first time, it seemed as if he saw true happiness, a happiness so powerful, so foreign, it confused him. Scared him even. And that hurt Emmeline, that hurt her more than any of his words to come could. To know that this may have been one of the first times someone had told him that they loved him pained Emmeline, it pained her so, knowing that someone as remarkable Rodolphus seemed to go so unnoticed. 

''I love you, Rodolphus.''

I couldn't sleep last night because I know that its over between us.

Emmeline sat in front of the fire, watching idly as the flames danced wildly around the charred wood. Her hands cradled a mug of tea, the warmth of the cup radiating against her palms. There was a ache in her chest, only tightening with each inhale of air. She let out a shaky breath, furrowing her eyebrows as she attempted to blink back the tears that were threatening to form. 

Flashbacks from the night before played continuously in her mind, despite how much she had tried to distract herself from the thoughts, nothing could stop them from running through her mind. 

Emmeline knew this was going to happen at one point, she knew it from the start, she knew what she was getting herself into, yet that didn't stop it from hurting any less. Emmeline never expected Rodolphus to change for her, she didn't want him to change, as she wouldn't have changed for him.

Not that she would have, Emmeline had always been proud of her blood status, she stood firmly by her beliefs, as Rodolphus did with his. Again, that didn't stop the 'what if' from hanging over her head, the 'what could have been'.

The thoughts continued to itch at the back of her mind, the regret of losing something that barely even begun. The thought of losing him even though he was never really hers to lose in the first place. That feeling, the one where she knew she had lost something that she couldn't get back, even if she had tried and tried, nothing would change. 

The thought saddened Emmeline, the worst kind of sad. The kind where she knew, deep down, that there was nothing she could do, even though she wished she could. 

They were two very different people, thrown together by fate, they somehow gotten under each others skin, moulded together. Then they were torn apart, despite knowing it would happen, having the time to prepare themselves, it still felt so sudden.

There would always be a part of Emmeline that Rodolphus would carry with him, knowingly or not, it would be there. It broke part of her, and she knew that it would take ten times longer to put herself back together than it did to have her fall apart. Strange, how such small words could mean so much.

For Emmeline, it was only two. There would be the conversations that she would hold dearly to her, the last conversation would be one that she would never forget. Yet, the worst part of their last conversation was his last two words. 

               Goodbye, Emmeline. 

Emmeline should have known, never to set her hopes to high, every hello ends with a goodbye, but there was no good in this goodbye. She knew that they would go different ways, she knew it all along, but it didn't stop it from cutting into her chest, leaving a open wound for the world to see, despite how hard she tried to hide it. 

Part of her wished that she could obliviate herself, erase all memories of him; but she knew she would never do it, she couldn't do it. The truth was, the memories she had of him was the only thing she would ever have left, that and the pieces of her broken heart. Maybe she did get her hopes to high, and to think, she was warned, hope is a bitch. 

The last time he swears his allegiance to the Dark Lord is just days before the war. They label him a coward and brand him a blood traitor but he doesn't care. He leaves the Lestrange Manor with all his belongings packed in a single bag and a letter addressed only to Rabastan. He owes his parents no explanation. They would not listen or read whatever he had to say. He has given up everything: his family, his name, his ancestry. All dignity and pride has shattered but none of that matters. In the night he steals through waves of families leaving in scattered bunches to safe locations ordered by the Ministry and finds himself in the last place he'd ever imagined, right at the heart of the Order headquarters. When he knocks and the door flings open to reveal one of his old classmates, he almost expects to be cursed or taken straight into custody. There is a moment of silence, of resentment before she comes bursting through, throwing herself into his arms and he catches her, his arms wrapping around her like a lifeline, as if he never wants to let go. And though he knows his life will never again be the same with all the sacrifices he has made, it is worth it, to know he'll get to hold her at night, to kiss in the morning and to see her every day without fearing for her life. Having her, being with her, seeing her smile is enough. 

--

Settle down with me, I'll be your safety and you'll be my lady.

Rodolphus stood in front of the large mirror, his hands fiddling mindlessly with the collar of his shirt. Amycus leant against the wall, a glass of bourbon in his hand. A small smirk crept on to his lips when he glanced over at Rodolphus, taking a small sip of the drink before grinning. ''Don't look so nervous, brother.'' Amycus smirked, his grin only growing wider when Rodolphus scoffed in reply. ''I'm not nervous, brother.'' Rodolphus said proudly, moving from the mirror to turn to the man in front of him. Amycus knocked back the rest of his drink, only to move to the table and re-fill it back up, this time pouring one for Rodolphus and passing it to him. Rodolphus took the glass in his hand, shooting Amycus a grateful look before taking a large gulp of the drink.

Turning to face him once again, Rodolphus looked at Amycus expectantly. ''Mate, everything is going to be fine. You both deserve this.'' Amycus spoke, his smirk pulling into a genuine smile. The pride for the man who he considered a brother radiated around the room, causing Rodolphus to smirk back. ''I trust your judgement, brother.'' He said, before raising his glass. ''A toast.'' Rodolphus said, as Rabastan walked into the room, a grin on his lips, cutting Rodolphus off from his sentence. ''How is she?'' He asked, looking at his brother. ''She's gorgeous.'' Rabastan replied, his grin growing wider. ''She always is.'' Amycus interjected, his lips returning to its usual smirk. Rodolphus simply shook his head, rolling his eyes as Amycus filled another glass and passed it to Rabastan.

''A toast.'' Rodolphus repeated, raising his glance once again, as the two other men did. ''To Rodolphus, our brother.'' Amycus spoke with a noble tone. ''To him and his wife to be.'' Rabastan said, his grin practically covering his whole face. ''To happiness, brothers.'' Rodolphus finished, a smile on his face as the men clinked their glasses against each others. ''The only thing you have to worry about is her being a runaway bride.'' Amycus joked, a smirk on his face. Rabastan let out a loud laugh as Rodolphus rolled his eyes, finishing the rest of his drink before placing it on the table and rubbing his hands together. ''We better get this show on the road then.'' 

                                          ***

Emmeline inhaled a large breath, her shaky hands smoothing down her dress, the tips of her fingers running along the diamond encrusted corset. She found herself biting down at her bottom lip, practically gnawing it off; it was a force of habit. She stared at the wooden doors in front of her, waiting to be opened. As soon as they were, she would walk; she would walk down the aisle and be beside the love of her life, the only person for her. That sent a surge of happiness, nerves and excitement through her body.

Emmeline felt a warm hand on her shoulder, followed by the familiar scent of honey tea. ''Emme.'' A voice spoke, which she quickly recognised as Mary. ''Mare.'' Emmeline managed to say, in a quiet voice. Her gaze met her best friends, who had a large smile on her lips. ''You look absolutely beautiful.'' She grinned, her eyes gleaming with happiness. You look absolutely beautiful; The words that came out of the girls mouth pulled Emmeline back to the night of the Hallowe'en ball at Hogwarts. Those lines where the ones that had came out of Mary's lips that night. That was the night Rodolphus and Emmeline both confessed their mutual liking for each other. Gradually, after that night; Rodolphus remained on her mind. Soon after that, he stole her heart.

Back then, his touch had drove her wild, his voice wrapped around her like velvet, his eyes were her heaven, his arms was her walls; he was her rock, her lover, her protector and so much more. Even now, none of those things had changed. His smile still gave her butterflies, his kiss made her weak at the knees and his presence alone brightened her whole day. Emmeline was very much in love with Rodolphus Lestrange. Suddenly, the nerves washed away from her. The nervous smile was now replaced with a wide grin. She found herself eager to get down the aisle, to be next to him.

''You ready, Emme?'' Mary asked, breaking Emmeline from her thoughts. Her eyes wandered around her surroundings for a moment. Andromeda stood beside Lily and Marlene, wide grins on each of their faces. Her eyes moved to Mary, who was beside Emma. Both of them were smiling, looking at her. All of them were in their bridesmaids dresses, looking so beautiful that maybe if Emmeline was not distracted by the blissful feeling, she may have even felt jealous. The immense love that suddenly build up inside of her body made her almost want to cry with happiness. Emmeline nodded, feeling for her fathers arm.

                                  ***

The organ played the all too familiar tune, as the wooden doors opened. Emmeline tightened her clutch on her fathers arm, his hand giving hers a reassuring squeeze. She heard the sound of the people in the church stand from their chairs. All of them were waiting for her to walk in. Emmeline began to walk, allowing her father to guide her in the direction. As they continued to walk, finally approaching the top of the aisle, Emmeline's eyes found Rodolphus, Amycus and Rabastan. Rodolphus did not turn, remaining in his position. A wide grin appeared on her face when she moved her eyes around the room, noticing old friends, familiar faces, all returning her smile with their own.

She looked back over at the boys, suddenly feeling so stuck in slow motion. All she wanted to do was reach him, hold his hand, feel his touch on her skin. Amycus offered her a smile, his eyes filled with something she could only recognise as pride. Rabastan grinned mischievously at her, wiggling his eyebrows; causing Emmeline to bite the inside of her cheek to keep her from laughing out loud. The two men at the aisle, Emmeline considered them her family, her brothers. Before she knew it, the warm spot were her fathers arm was suddenly became cold. She looked for his face, feeling her own eyes brim with tears when she saw her dad's proud smile, he was reluctant to let her go, to give her away. Emmeline smiled at him, nodding her head. Her father turned to Rodolphus, as did Emmeline.

Her heart broke into a sprint. His blue eyes locked onto hers for a moment before moving to her fathers face. He nodded in the man's direction, as Emmeline's father nodded back and turned to Emmeline. He pressed his lips against her forehead, whispering the words I love you before moving to take his seat. Emmeline's hand felt for Rodolphus' as her eyes searched for his. Rodolphus turned to look down at her, his smile wider then she had ever seen before. ''You look beautiful.'' He whispered, as the priest readied himself for the vows. ''Thank you.'' Emmeline mouthed back, before turning to the priest.

                                   ***

The moment of truth had arrived, Rodolphus and Emmeline stood in front of each other, hands clasped together; large smiles on their faces. ''Rodolphus Lestrange, do you take Emmeline Vance for your lawful wedded wife, to live in the holy estate of matrimony? Will you love, honour, comfort, and cherish her from this day forward, forsaking all others, keeping only unto her for as long as you both shall live?'' - ''I do.'' Rodolphus spoke almost instantly, a large smile on his face as he looked down longingly at Emmeline, causing her heart to melt. Emmeline Vance, do you take Rodolphus Lestrange for your lawful wedded husband, to live in the holy estate of matrimony? Will you love, honour, comfort, and cherish him from this day forward, forsaking all others, keeping only unto him for as long as you both shall live?'' - ''I do.'' Emmeline grinned, feeling her heart fill with love. There was so much love she held for the man in front of her, it consumed her. ''You may now seal the promises you have made with each other with a kiss.'' The priest spoke, barely being able to finish as Rodolphus' lips crashed against Emmeline's. She couldn't restrain from smiling against them, wrapping her arms around his neck and pulling him closer. 'Ay ay!'' She heard someone call out jokingly, quickly recognising as Ted Tonks. Finally, they pulled their lips from each other, large smiles on each face. ''Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the loving couple. Mr. and Mrs Lestrange.'' The room filled with cheers, giggles and happy laughter. ''I love you.'' Emmeline spoke softly, looking up adoringly at her husband. ''And I love you, Mrs. Lestrange.'' He replied, causing Emmeline to giggle a little.

drabble || are you hurting the one you love

Are you hurting the one you love?And if heaven knows then who will stop.

"Rodolphus!" Emmeline whispered, and Rodolphus turned to face her.

She was smiling at him, her brown hair down and pooling over her shoulders, framing her face in the way that always made him want to reach out and brush his fingers down her neck. For weeks now, he had been able to do just that, whenever they met up in secret like they were doing now. The smile on her face, the joy at seeing him, made his chest tight and his mouth dry.

"Emmeline," he greeted her from across the classroom, empty except for the two of them. 

"I've missed you," she said, closing the door behind her. Any other time, he would have told her the same. He would have told her how he had missed her bright smile, the way he had thought of her fingers intertwined with his whenever he had picked up a quill, how he had thought only of her safety when he had heard of latest attacks on mud bloods  But he could say none of that. Not today.

"This needs to end," Rodolphus told her instead, deciding that a clean break would better suit them both.

Emmeline stopped where she was, no longer walking towards him. "Rod.." she began warily.

Rodolphus shook his head. "We need to stop this. This - " He waved a hand between them. " - is no longer an option."

"Why?" Emmeline asked, raising one brow. Rodolphus braced himself, squaring his shoulders and tightening his jaw. He knew what came next. She was far too smart for her own good; she would try to use logic with him, something that she knew he responded to, and as a result he would crumble. He couldn't allow that. This was far too important. "Is this because of-"

"I love Bellatrix," Rodolphus said. The lie tasted bitter in his mouth, and the expression of  surprise and unguarded hurt on her face almost made him rethink his decision. But neither of them could afford that, not now. "I love Bellatrix," he repeated, locking his gaze with hers, determined to get this done.

After several painful, silent moments, Emmeline spoke. "You don't," she said, and Rodolphus cursed her self-assuredness. She took a step towards him, and he remained where he was. "I know you don't, Rodolphus," she continued, sounding more sure with each word. "I don't know why you would say it, but it's not true." She reached out to grab his arm and he pulled himself away, stepping around the empty desks and towards the door.

"I can assure you I mean every word," he told her, refusing to look at her now, for fear he would crumble. "I am in love with Bellatrix, my fiancé  Our time together has been enjoyable, but this is where it must end." He flicked his gaze up to her, expression hardening with his resolve. "We will not speak again, Miss Vance."

He turned and left quickly, not daring to look back at her in case he might see the look on her face. For the first time in his life he felt like a coward, unable to take what he wanted, unable to face down a teenage girl. He found solace in an empty corridor, leaning against one of the alcoves with a sigh. His hand slipped into the pocket of his robes, pulling out a crumpled piece of paper. As he read the words for the hundredth time, he knew he had made the right decision. 

Get rid of her. Or I will.

There was no empty threat in those words. Maybe he had grown weak, but Rodolphus would rather hurt the one he loved, than watch some else do it.

In another life, I would be your girl,

Emmeline sat down in her flat, a bottle of wine beside her, along with a empty wine glass. Her eyes shifted from the window, her hands moving to take the bottle. After opening it and filling up her glass, she folded her legs, cradling the large glass in her hand. The first person to cross her thoughts was Rodolphus Lestrange. She found herself with a small smile on her lips, as she thought back to her years in Hogwarts. Even though there was obstacles in the way back then, it seemed nothing compared to now. Now there was no them, they had chosen their sides, stepping away from eachother's in the process. Emmeline felt a small pang in her chest, a emotion she could only grasp as regret. 

We'd keep all our promises, the 'us against the world',

She was consumed with regret; the fact she could never officially call him hers. Regret that they had to say goodbye, that they really didn't have any choice. It wasn't like neither of them expected it, they did. Emmeline knew what path would choose, and he knew what one she would go down. It still didn't stop the hurt in her chest, the memories that flashed through her mind. The dread she felt when she was called out on a mission with the Order. She would always have that feeling of terror, the 'what if' by chance they would bump into each other. Only this time, it wouldn't be the way she wanted it to. If Emmeline and Rodolphus were ever to meet again, it would be to fight, not together, but against each other. Emmeline pressed the rim of the glass to her lips, allowing the bitter taste of the wine to run down her throat.

In another life, I would make you stay,

Oh how she wished it didn't have to be like this, not just because of them, they  wasn't the only two to pulled apart due to the war. Family bonds were cut, friendships were torn into shreds, relationships were abruptly ended. It wasn't fair, none of it was. To think, someone who once meant so much to her, was now known as her enemy. Emmeline closed her eyes, taking another sip of her wine. It was strange, how much had changed since they had left school. Regrets replaced choices, sadness replaced happiness and friends were replaced with graves. One of Emmeline's biggest regrets? Not telling him exactly how she felt when she had the chance. Not even realising how strong her own feelings were before it was too late. Of course, it probably wouldn't have made a difference to either of them, only making it harder for her to say goodbye. Emmeline Vance would always have the 'what if' hanging over her head, the tight clutch of regret holding on to her heart.  The only thing she regretted about Rodolphus was not telling him how much he had meant to her.