Jul 23, 2012
HBD
Today is his birthday:)
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HBD
Today is his birthday:)
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QT
Saturday I went with a group to Stone Mountain. He was there too, and, if I'm honest, I really went to be with him. Turns out I got more than I bargained for.
As the group hiked up, he and I made intermittent small talk, while doing the same with others in the group. On the way down, there was considerably more conversation between the two of us, but it still fell short of substantive. I was so beside myself, it was ridiculous. I tried my best to get out of my head and be in the moment, but it was hard. I was juggling self-awareness with observation, analysis, and sheer giddiness. And of course I was concentrating on not falling. I did slip a few times, one time instinctively grabbing his arm. Another time he made fun of me saying "You caught yourself as if you were more concerned about wrinkling your clothes." I said "How do you know that's not my priority?" [LOL] I went on to make the point that tightening the core stabilizes everything else, and he agreed. I called him on recognizing my vanity saying "Vanity knows vanity." He retorted with a lesson from Ecclesiastes.
He's so intelligent. "Thirsty for knowledge" as I described him when a question of his "nerdiness" came up at dinner. Yes, dinner...!!! I'm still geeked! Yeah, it was a group thing (a very small group mind you- 3+ him), but nonetheless, it was our first meal together and I don't take it lightly. He even shared his crab legs with me. I felt him observing me. I always do. Modesty and aversion to dashed hopes won't allow me to admit that he's curious of me, so I account it to his "thirst for knowledge."
Accepting the invite to ride in his car was one of the more surreal moments. (With that said, most encounters I have with him are). I was more excited than curious about why he chose who he chose, me in particular, and what his thought process was behind that. (I indulged in the thought that he really wanted to spend time with me and had to invite the others to for the sake of appearances). I sat behind him, admiring his shirt and and shoulders. He was curiously quiet in the car. Listening intently I'm sure, but under a guise of aloofness that made me wonder. Needless to say, it was the smoothest ride I've ever had...
I want to know him. I want more moments like this. And we don't necessarily have to talk, I just want to follow him around and observe. Then talk. Alot. I want to be comfortable and well-acquainted with him, so he's not so larger-than-life to me and my feelings are tempered. Or well-founded. I'll take either one.
*sigh* The feeling is nice. He's all I can think about. Showing up in dreams (I always dream of his arms, which is why I took such delight in steadying myself on his arm on the mountain), and taking up my thought energy with most free moments. But I have a fear that I'm wasting the energy because I'm not worthy, he wouldn't be interested, and/or nothing will come of it. But I read an admonishment over the weekend that said "Stop thinking of all the reasons it won't work and concentrate on the one reason it will." I'm sure this applies to other areas of life, but it fits here too, and I'll take it.
Crush reciprocated?
He called me "fine" today...!!!
Kisses x3
Not sure who he was, but had a companion in my dreams last night who gave me the kisses I've been yearning for lately... :)
Crushed
Have you ever had a crush? It's exhilerating and debilitating all at once. I am excited at the mere thought of him and all that he is, but can hardly function when he's around. I feel like a woman and child. Crazy!!!
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Giddy school girl
I am so infatuated with him.
This crush has ebbed and flowed for about a year now and it is currently at a peak. It’s just a crush, comprised, though, of upmost admiration and respect with a touch of desire. Not sexual; just to know him and learn from him. He is fine though. Super fine. I noted the other day that if I saw him on the street I would definitely do a double take. He is a learned man, full of wisdom, who manages to balance tradition with innovation and contemporary ideas. He is suave, charming, and has a wonderful sense of humor. He is a true leader, a natural leader, one I would follow anywhere. He loves people and truly sees everyone he encounters. To observe him in his element is inspiring. When he walks in the room, my heart races, trips over itself and skips, and lands in my stomach where the butterflies live. Just to be around him is an experience.
My girlfriend and I were talking earlier this week and we agreed that crushes do something for the spirit and the imagination. If one can manage to keep it in perspective, it can be an enjoyable and uplifting end in itself.
I saw him today. On the train. I had just come from the post office and was shifting my focus to my law class when I got to King Memorial station and looked around to observe those who boarded. I raised my eyebrow at a young man, handsome in the face. He looked at me too and as we locked eyes, I realized his was a look of familiarity. And then I realized that I knew him too. It was Amir. He came and sat next to me. I immediatley noticed that he had gained some weight. His hands were dirty, as if he he'd been doing manual labor and the cigarette he was holding indicated he was unsuccessful in quitting. He looked as if he'd been through many changes since last year this time and I felt some concern and even pity. But my other feelings of foolishness and betrayal superceded that. I managed to ask how he was doing and where he was going. I managed to answer those same questions with polite and concise responses. There was a moment of awkward silence, one where I couldn't look at him any longer, but it didn't last long because mine was the next stop. (Meanwhile, he never took his eyes off me.) I thought to ride with him a little farther, but couldn't give him any more of my energy. It felt awkward, not exchanging information, but he didn't ask for mine and I didn't ask for his. Just before I left the train, I said it was nice to see him again, and didn't look back.
Not the same thing
Attraction is strong and it is the first and necessary ingredient for all relationships.There's a difference, though, between being attracted to someone and actually wanting her company, presence, and influence. Attraction many times feels undeniable, but we're mistaken to think that it compels us to act and pursue the one we're attracted to. Instead, it only encourages us to do so. It's our imagination and its hypotheticals that carry us away. Attraction merely begs the question "Should I discover what could be?" I'm not suggesting you shouldn't pursue the one with an unforgettable smile, but you should mark the difference between simply appreciating her beauty and wanting her around. To know the difference and act accordingly is an admirable thing.