#letsgetvulnerable

By Samantha

By Samantha

July 12, 1720 My name is Alice Black, the bastard of William and Elizabeth Black. This is an account of the events that eventually will lead to my inevitable death. I knew this and accepted it even while making the decisions I made. I am telling you this so that in some way Sebastian and I will still exist together, even if it is just on these pages. I have no regrets, except for maybe getting shot. Fucking painful! As I lay here in the sand draining a bottle of rum and slowly bleeding to death I watch my very last sunset. The last bits of light kiss my face and the summer breeze gently dances through my curls. I am not frightened. I am simply at peace, but feel that I must tell my story before my time is up.   Falling in love was never a priority of mine. Love is weakness, but when it happens you can't help it. This story is a warning to not soften your heart and partake in such frivolous activity. I had decided a long time ago that it would be easier if I didn't fall in love, and if I stayed cold and distant to the idea. If you love, you have something that can be taken from you. Love makes you blind and vulnerable. I wish to be strong and unbreakable. I don't have time for weakness. After seeing my father blacken and distort my mother's face more than once I swore no man would have possession of my heart. This I promised. Why could my mother not leave him? Why WOULD she not leave him? I suppose it's easier to be bruised and with someone rather than unscathed and alone. I loved my mother. “Be strong! Be proud!” she always told me. When I was young my mother gave me a wonderful gift, she taught me to read and write while my father, a candle maker, was at work. At the time I did not know how precious a gift this was, but later learned that she had bestowed upon me a sort of power and freedom that many did not have. Throughout my life I did keep my promise; however, against my wishes and all my efforts, I did fall in love, twice, but this tale of love and loss is no ordinary one. My mother also granted me another gift, the love of my life. She gave me the greatest gift of all; she introduced me to Sebastian. He was the only male I ever loved. Sebastian gave me purpose. He was a feisty fellow who always found himself in some sort of trouble. He saved me many times and I saved him. He was kind and generous and we loved each other. But loving is dangerous because when that love is gone you are forever empty and broken. Having that love changes you forever. Sebastian was more than a loyal mutt, he was my best friend and first love! When I was thirteen Sebastian and I came home one afternoon to find my father crying over my mother’s body covered in her blood. He saw me standing in the doorway. “It was an accident! It was an accident!” he screamed over and over again. Lying sack of shit!  He was still applying useless pressure to a bullet wound on her chest. Before he could fully stand up I quickly reached for his pistol sitting on the kitchen table and shot him. One bullet was all I needed. That day I left home and never looked back. I disguised myself as a boy and snuck onto a cargo ship, The Seven Sisters, heading to the Island of Providence. Once we left port, the ship was immediately taken over by the dirtiest, grungiest sort, smugglers. One man stood out from the rest, Captain Calico Jack; Jack Rackham. He was an ugly man, but clever. After forcing the crew of The Seven Sisters to jump overboard, he quickly found me hiding amongst the crates and barrels. My disguise did not fool him. “I have never seen a boy so pretty,” he said to me laughing. He must have seen strength in me because he did not force me overboard. Maybe he just felt bad for me. Either way, I did not care. In many ways Jack was the father I never had, or the father I wish I had. He taught me how to fight, how to swing a sword, sail a ship and properly handle a pistol. Jack also introduced me to the other love of my life. My second love affair came when I was seventeen. Sebastian and I shared her. She was big, bold, aggressive, yet tender and affectionate. Her salty smooth eroticism engulfed us, consumed and devoured us. She would never know how much she meant to us. The sea could never be tamed, but we respected her, so the sea provided. We knew the kraken’s song and called upon it when our supplies ran low. For we knew that before the kraken appears there is a plentiful amount of fleeting fish that can easily be caught. This was a dangerous, yet rewarding game we played. Every time we risked being dragged down to the depths of our beloved ocean, but every time we escaped. At age eighteen I became Captain Jack’s first mate and I was at his side for many years. Sebastian, the sea and me; the three of us, along with Calico Jack and the crew, traveled the world and went on many adventures. Sebastian and I created lasting and beautiful memories. Those were the best and most rewarding experiences of our lives. Not only were we the wealthiest Pirates in the Caribbean Sea, but the luckiest. We were fortunate to have each other. However, all is fleeting. One night our ship was overtaken by twelve of the nastiest men. Their Captain, James Roberts, a name that I will never forget, was ruthless and horrible. Immediately after coming aboard his crew bound and gagged us all. Calico Jack was strung up and hung by his neck till his feet stopped jerking about. “You bastard!” I yelled through my gag. Captain Roberts turned to me; my manly disguise did not fool him either. “What do we have here?” James said as he approached me. Hackles raised, Sebastian lunged at James, tearing at his hand, biting off a finger. With his available hand James whipped out his pistol and fired one deadly shot at Sebastian and he fell motionless to the deck. Having wiggled free from the ropes around my tiny female wrists and unable to control my emotions I screamed and threw myself at Roberts, scratching at his face, pressing my thumb into his left eye socket, but was then ripped off of him by his first mate, John Bailey, who oddly reminded me of my father. They shared the same soulless eyes. John then threw me beside Sebastian. I watched Sebastian take his last breathe. I stared into his big brown eyes one last time, and saw them go dark. My heart was broken. I looked up at John, about to pounce, he smirked and then kicked me in the face. With one swift blow I was out cold.   The next morning I woke up below deck disoriented and confused. My head was throbbing. Then, suddenly everything came flooding back to me. I remembered... Sebastian was murdered! Tears cascaded down my face and blurred my vision. My soulmate was gone. I did not want to live without him and would have rather been dead. However, within an instant I decided I would survive, no matter what it took. I would live for Sebastian... to avenge Sebastian. The previous night James Roberts had made one crucial mistake, he kept me alive. Though, I did not know why I lived, I was sure the reasons could not be good. Being a woman is a dreadful thing. Even when you are dead, you still have one thing to offer a man. That night I will wish he had finished me off. When darkness came I heard footsteps quickly approaching. A door swung open and there stood John Bailey. He entered and shut the door behind him. In the dark I could hear the unfastening of his belt. I stood up, ready to defend myself, but was met with a swift punch to the gut. The events that followed after proved more than any that I was not a man, I was a woman no matter my clothing. However, I am not one to give up. I took advantage of this moment in which John appeared vulnerable. As he thrusted into me I reared my head back and whirled it into his. He punched me in the face, but filled with fire and anger I did not go down. Trading blows and rolling around on the floor, each of us trying to pin the other. At one point he ended on top, but somehow in the dark I grabbed hold of his dagger and stabbed him under his chin, into his face. He fell back and I jumped on top of him, repeatedly stabbing him over and over in the chest. I then proceeded to take ownership of his pistol and steel. To my surprise no crew members heard the commotion. I made my way across the deck. I spotted Sebastian’s body still laying where it had fallen the night before. With all my might I scooped him up and, as carefully I could, laid him in the suspended rowboat. Knowing that land was not far, I quickly lowered the boat and made my way to shore. I was not sure where I was, but soon discovered I was off the shores of Cuba. For a week I hid amongst the trees where I buried Sebastian and plotted my revenge. After finally devising a plan I quickly set it in motion. The first step was to acquire a crew, one that did not mind step two, which was to commandeer a ship. I went by Captain Henry Read and I accomplished these tasks by promising large amounts of buried treasure, more than anyone could hope for. I told them that the key to finding this treasure was to steal back a map which was stolen from me by Captain James Roberts. Steps one and two took nine long months. Finding Captain Roberts took another three years. Having spent so much time with my new crew, loyalty grew. While searching for Roberts we became talented smugglers. I ended up keeping my promise, I did make them very rich men. This proved me to be an honest and trustworthy captain. They respected me even though I was quite sure they knew my secret, that I was a woman. Eventually, we caught up to Roberts and I readied my crew for battle. They knew my hatred for him. As we got closer both our ships fired upon each other. I hated destroying the ship that I spent so much of my life on. As our vessels were almost touching my crew swarmed and invaded. I had no coward aboard my ship. We attacked with focus. I had no interest in taking down James’ crew, I let my men handle that. I went straight for James himself. My fierce gaze met his evil stare from his one good eye. Our swords met and the fight was on. Our feet moved strategically across the deck. This was a fair fight. At moments we both nicked each other but no more. Until, finally, I stabbed him under the armpit, then in the leg, then once in chest, but none of them fatal. Suddenly, our swords clashed and he had me pinned against the side of the ship, swords pushing against each other. I looked down into the water. I had an idea, and immediately started whistling and singing the kraken’s song. Before I knew it an island-like form surfaced in the water about fifty feet away. While I was distracted, James broke free from our hold, pulled out his pistol and shot me in the side of my stomach. I glanced back into the water and saw fish quickly swimming by the ship. I turned to my crew and yelled, “Back to the ship!” and they immediately obeyed. Most of us made it back on board. As my crew speedily got us further and further from The Seven Sisters I watched as the kraken encircled it, flailing its giant tentacles about and pulling the ship deep down into the darkest parts of the my ocean. Unfortunately, the wake of the kraken birthed such a wave that our ship was destroyed and my crew was scattered about. I knew by summoning the kraken I took a great risk, but it had to be done. I am not sure the fate of my crew. An hour later I washed up onto shore, and now this is where I sit waiting to die, just me and my sea. She always knows how to comfort me.   Getting shot is bloody painful! I hope that this rum bottle I have polished off will do its duty and carry this documentation of my life to its reader, whoever that may be. Even if the bottle fails, this has still been a cathartic way to end my time here on earth. As I sit here in the sand, knowing my last breathe is close by, all I can think about is Sebastian. I do not know if there is a place somewhere where he is waiting for me. I just know I cannot live without him any longer. I have never been more ready to die. A song weaves its way into my mind. It is a lullaby my mother used to sing to me as a child. I peacefully hum and whisper the words to myself... Far from home I must go Far away my feet may take me While the sea carries me away I know time is here to stay When the wind whistles its lovelies And the storm cheers out-loud I know I must return home To stand up and to stand proud …I can smell Sebastian’s wet fur. I remember how his coat felt in my hands and the richness of his beautiful brown eyes.