Well, it’s not that he lies often, but he does do it and you have no idea unless it’s with the girls. Getting them to sleep by telling them that they’ll get candy in the morning instead of eggs, telling them the tooth fairy has the day off on Fridays, and even telling his toddler that he goes and saves puppies some days instead of the world. He lies, but not without reason.
But as he follows you around as you shop, he feels the need to lie. Tell you that you look good in an ugly color dress just to get you to laugh. Deny that your grip on his hand hurts. Say that he doesn’t want another leather jacket, even though he does. He wants the one you keep showing him - nice detailing, shiny silver zipper, and thick lining to keep him warm. One that wasn’t ripping at the seams, has cigarette burns, or holes that dotted its worn flank.
“Simon, please, I just want to buy something nice for you.” You say, looking at him with those sweet eyes and genuine care.
He hates himself at that moment when he lies.
“I’m alright with what I got.”
The nod of understanding, knowing that pushing will not get you far, distressed him. He knows he shouldn’t be this way, that he should bend at the knees every time you even begin a sentence. But the leather jacket is something he can’t do that for, and he can’t stomach telling you the reason.
You pull out pretty dresses and tops to show him, he always agrees with the ones that make your eyes pop. Your hand squeezes his every time you walk back and forth in this little boutique and he knows quite well that you’re purposefully passing this perfect leather jacket multiple times. Exposure therapy.
He doesn’t like upsetting you. He knows you want him to have nice things instead of the worn down clothes he has, but he cannot allow himself to have better things when the money should be going towards his children and their needs. He can go without a new leather jacket, even if you had saved over the course of a year for it. He’d rather buy Winnie the dollhouse she really wants, buy Mellie the beanbag she always has him look up online, maybe even something for the baby like a new high chair. He could buy you a nice ring with that leather jacket money, even though you’d say no.
In a way, you two are the same.
You finally stop the games and stand next to the jacket, hand squeezing his impossibly tight before loosening. “Do you not like it?”
“It’s nice.”
“Then try it on.”
He shakes his head. “No, ‘m okay with this. We can use the money on you.”
Your shoulders droop, his heart hurts, and you softly murmur, “Why aren’t you letting me do this for you?”
He feels the need to lie, the itch that takes hold of his throat and shakes it. His head dips down, his eyes level with yours. “Because this jacket means a lot to me. Don’t want to start over with a new one.” Another lie, it doesn’t mean a lot, it means everything.
You stare at him for a while, digging in his eye with such a disappointed glare. Stiff, aggravated, but still docile. “What’s so special about holes and torn seams?”
“I first met you with this on.” He confesses. “First met Winnie with this on. Mellie fits in a wrap in it like a glove, and it was Tommy’s.” His hand comes to rest on your bump where the baby kicks lazily, your forehead rests against his.
In the back corner of a shop, he tells the truth. Says a prayer as he kisses you, thanks God when you finally see the ratty jacket for what it truly is - a symbol of loyalty.
Another kiss pressed against his lips before you move away, your hand brushes his hair away from his forehead before cradling his jaw. “That’s all you had to say. No more lies.”
Simon is a liar, it’s sometimes all he knows. A second skin, a way to protect the keloids made from wounds he suffered forever ago. But when he looks in your eyes, cradles your belly that grows his baby with a ring on his hand that matches your own, and lets you in his marred head, he can’t bring himself to lie to you.
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Indigo. 4.8k. You're just trying to get a grip on reality, drowning in your mind with only yourself to save you. That is until a friend throws a life jacket, all while ignoring Simon as he flails too.
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The sheet and blanket were almost too hot for you as you rolled around in Mellie’s nursery, but you couldn’t find it in yourself to care. An old quilt from your aunt covered you, the pillow from your bed soft against your pounding head.
You had yelled at Simon. You’ve never yelled at Simon. Never wanted to, never thought you had to - but it had been done. The worst part of it was thinking that it could have helped, but looking at his hurt expression only made you feel worse.
You haven’t seen him since. Soap brought your dinner up to the temporary bed you fashioned, next to Mellie’s crib. Mellie’s little hand still poked out in your direction between the slats, even though she had fallen asleep hours ago. You’d spent a while just holding it between your fingers as a way to ground yourself. You were home, standing guard at the window they got into the house initially, just like you had the first few nights you had come home a month earlier. You almost rebroke your fingers when you slammed it closed, and kept hitting it until Price pulled you away. He was the only person who could. You would hit anyone who got close and crumble when your daughters were in sight. A wounded and rabid woman.
You were somewhat thankful the nightmares didn’t start until right before Mellie’s birthday. The small blessing left enough time to get her readjusted as best you could, enough time for your hands to lose the casts and stitches. It wasn’t long enough for you to push the swarm of howling monsters in your head. You were drowning with no lighthouse in sight. Sleep evaded you, a fickle friend that lured you in with promises of safety and comfort, only to wake up shrieking and having to be restrained before you redecorate the room with your blood.
Forced separation was said to be good, give both of you some time to cool off and recuperate. Simon asleep in your bed, you laid on the nursery floor, unable to doze or relax.
You kissed Mellie’s baby fingers. She snored in response as you raised to your feet and wrapped your blanket tightly around yourself. Finding sleep was not as feasible as you wanted it to be, so escaping to the snow outside felt like a new freedom. A new view through your broken lens. You took a deep breath as you entered the hallway, your gaze ended up on your bedroom door - it was shut, no outline of light underneath. Simon was asleep. A sigh escaped you and you sucked in another breath, attempting to follow your therapist’s advice. You descended the staircase while thinking of things that calm you.
The fish in your therapist’s office was a gentle thought, the blue light and shimmering scales as bubbles floated to the top. A distraction, one you used often to ignore topics you couldn’t speak on. You tried to envision the moonlight on your living room floor as the water, the shadows that danced as the fish, and you were the bubbles that led to the surface - outside.
The garden door creaked as you pushed it open, he only glanced at you before he tapped his cigar on the side of the ash tray and looked back at his phone.
“What’re you doin’ awake?”
The suffocating presence that was John Price made you shrink for just a moment, just as you slid by him to sit in the empty porch chair on the other side of the table. “I didn’t…I just wanna go outside for a second.”
Price glanced at you before he sighed and tucked his phone back into his coat. You were sure he was about to take you back upstairs but he moved the cigar back to his lips, his muscles as taut as stone.
“Heard your spat earlier.”
Constellations hung like garland above your heads. You only looked up at them for a moment. Grey clouds dotted the atmosphere, almost as dense as the fog in your head. The therapist - Marli, you think - says it’s normal. Post traumatic stress disorder comes in all sorts of ways. You can go through Monday with a smile and be completely normal; Tuesday, you’re locked in your closet and going through panic attacks, one right after the other. You had remarked that it was more like going from the slow to the fast lane in free for all traffic, everything passing by in colorful blurs.
“Sorry.”
A tap to the ashtray and a chuckle that sounded more like a soft roar. Price murmured, “Don’t be. The boy needed a smack on the head and you needed to let some of that anger go.”
“I know.”
It’s all you know, truly. Empty images outlined with hazy feelings rot your brain until they develop into high resolution replays of every moment you spent in the basement. Routine was key - you washed your face to keep yourself awake, held Mellie every time they entered the basement, and quietly pulled at the loose bookshelf until it popped out, your only salvation. Routine kept you sane then, Simon’s voice guided you with knowledge he’d taught you long ago, and fear ran rampant like a rat in a cage. At least it felt more free than you do in your own house, your birdcage made of brick and mortar. Three operators worked in your basement to uncover the rest of Lloyd’s operation and God knows what else, meanwhile they assisted Simon in taking care of you. In the shadows loomed four guard dogs, jaws snapping and hackles raised but their bellies still shown to you.
“John?”
“Yes?”
Your thumb rolled your wedding ring around your ring finger, the (gold/silver) diamond ring spun several rotations as your eyes settled on the English Oak tree. Gaz had been practicing his throwing knives earlier before he got scolded by Simon. You didn’t care much, just rolled over on the couch and pretended you couldn’t hear him. You thanked your lucky stars he didn’t sound like Lloyd, but out of the corner of your eye, he might as well be his father’s spitting image.
Fuck him. Fuck him, fuck them, fuck everything.
“Lloyd’s dead, right?”
There was a moment of silence, but you could see the man beside you nod. “Yes, he is. He’s long gone.”
“And none of his shitheads are alive?”
“We’re working on it.”
“Okay.”
“I’ve got ya, Missus, we’ve got ya.” John turned his head, shouting, “I’ve got her!”
There was rushed Spanish from above, your eyes focused on the gray clouds above you once more. An inkling inside you wondered what they would feel like; nothing? Or little pin pricks against your skin? Maybe like the snow you’ve laid in for who knows how long.
“Melody, Melody…”
Something warm was wrapped around your front, reeking of pungent cigar smoke, and you just wanted to fall away from it. The warmth felt like fire, a thousand needles into your freezing body, even as you try to embrace it. The crystalline tears that map your cheeks fall into the snow below, your eyes focusing on your husband’s friend, your children’s godfather. His face contorted into panic, something you felt was rare for the captain. He spoke into a radio - you couldn’t make it out over the sound of your pounding head.
Only your daughter’s name came from you, Price’s face escaped your vision as your eyes rolled back to the sky again, watching something float above you.
You don’t pretend you could keep your consciousness, even as Price kept yelling at you to stay awake. Even as you felt clawing hands at your chest, your head, your hands - you blinked again and it wasn’t Price above you, but Lloyd. His bludgeoned face fading in and out, going from the lifeless look to the enraged one he had the night before you escaped.
You shook the memory away, your neck creaked in defiance. “I think I’m going crazy.”
“And I’d say that’s okay, given the circumstances.”
“I yelled at Simon.”
The ashtray clinked against the table as Price settled his cigar on it. “And he deserved it. Simon can handle a lot more than you may think.”
“That may be true, but that still doesn’t mean I enjoy hurting him.” The few ornaments that hung from the fence glimmered from the moonlight, little dots pranced around on the snow like ballet dancers - delicate and slow-moving like you. The wind whistled, your eyes followed the dance as your stomach tensed, then your chest cracked open, your feelings and heart spilling, “It makes me sick to look at him, his…his face, it’s…”
“You gave him a few good shiners.”
“He looks so much like Lloyd and I can’t- I can’t get myself under control and understand that he’s dead. He’s dead and I- and Simon would never do that to me. He would never. I know he wouldn’t, I know he couldn’t, but I still look at his face and I…” The words almost turned to ash on your lips, and only a whisper followed, “I think I’m scared of him.”
“I could lie to you and say that it’ll go away, but it won’t. It’ll morph into somethin’ else, sure, but what happened to you…it stays forever. You’ll be afraid, for now, but you’ll persevere. We’ve seen you do it before. And it’ll be rough this time. There’s nothing like your abuser’s face being so close to you all the time.”
“Yeah.”
“Imagine how Simon must feel to wear both his and your abuser’s face.” John hummed for just a moment, a slow drag of his cigar as the chair clicked when he pushed back. “Give him some grace, Missus, but do not give him more than an inch. Your bleeding wounds matter more now than his healed ones.”
A friend, lending a hand or extending a branch with growing olives. His resolve to save your family and protect it almost felt like your own was fierce, like gnashing teeth and growls heard from miles away. Yet, he was the other side of the coin. While you laid your neck bare to protect your family, he fought with every tooth and nail he had, just like Simon. A friend. A confidant. Family. His right hand man, and now yours.
“Would it…” The tears on your face felt bitter, now that you tuned back into your body. The tingling in your nose, the pounding in your head, the weakness in your voice, “Would it be bad if I asked him to wear the mask?”
“Couldn’t hurt you.”
“Mellie’s…Mellie’s scared of it, but I…”
“Need it?”
A tremor in your bleeding heart and a sigh as you now found yourself staring at your hands. Rough, leather-like, raw with dark pink lines that covered your knuckles like a drawing. A sick, beautiful sketch. “Yeah.”
“Just tell him.”
“I can’t.”
John rustled in his chair, the smell of sweet tobacco hit your nose. “So you shouted. So what? You hurt his feelings, you lashed out, and you’re upset about it. He’s not going to ignore you for having feelings for once.”
Excuse me? Your head whipped up, cracking from the sudden movement as you met John’s eyes, “What do you mean by that?”
He huffed a chuckle through his nose, the smoke from the cigar reaching for the stars. “I mean that you are docile, at best. You coddle yourself and your husband because you don’t like to be angry. It’s an ugly monster and I’m sure you’ve experienced someone’s anger towards you before, right? Your mum? Dad?”
Your face heated with embarrassment as you realized you sometimes forgot his rank. A captain, a man who can dissect humans down to their very soul with one glance, and use it against them if need be. The dagger pointed straight into your pupil, ready to slice the delicate membrane to dissect everything in your brain.
“And you didn’t want that for your kids, so all you do is put your husband on a pedestal and be a docile little plaything because you don’t want your children to be exposed to those ugly emotions like you were. Am I close?”
You didn’t answer, your tear-filled stare was the only response.
“Thought so.” He leaned forwards onto his knees, “Missus, there’s great benefits in communication. You and Simon have your marriage worked out well, but the situation has changed. You have changed, Simon has not. Whatever happened in that cabin has killed a part of you.”
“John-“
“I can see it. You’re like a caged animal in that head of yours, and you have no emotional outlet. A couple mom friends, you haven’t spoken to your parents since before Mellie was even a thought-” How the fuck- “Hell, you barely even speak to your brothers.”
A flame of rage ignited in your ribcage, your own teeth gnashed as you snarled, “That's an invasion of privacy!”
John’s look was firm, unwavering and harsh. Almost as if he was reducing you with his gaze, the blaze began to shrink. “No, I’m profiling and protecting you. You’ve isolated yourself and refuse to show any negative emotion because you don’t believe you have them. Don’t you?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“I’m not about to coddle you like they do. Answer the question.”
Knife pressed, slicing layers into your brain. Methodical. Deliberate. He’s a friend with an iron grip that broke the olive branch, he’s a mad man in a war hero’s body.
“Yes.”
“As much as you hate it, take it out on Simon. He can handle it.” Another drag, the smoke dissipated quickly. Your eyes met the garden door to see if there was any unwanted attention, but there was no shadow, no Winnie coming to ask for a glass of water. Alone with your friend, the man dissecting your life with a single train of thought. “I’m not sure he would ever think less of you. We sure as hell don’t.”
“You might after my session on Thursday.”
Out of the corner of your eye, John’s face steeled. “And what does that mean?”
Healing knuckles tightened. “I’m telling my therapist what happened. Again.”
“And you think I’m going to give it to Simon to read.”
“No, I…” The tears on your waterline spilled again - quick, almost as if they were never there. “Yes.” Don’t lie and pretend everything’s okay to the man who saved your life. He saw what you had done. “I don’t want anyone to read it and think less of me.”
“Missus, do you know what we do for a living?”
“No.”
“We- Are you serious?”
“Simon doesn’t tell me anything about it. I know better than to ask.”
He paused, your eyes moved to your hands again. Keep going back to things that ground you like the fish tank in Marli’s office. The pink lines on your hands, the pain in them, the disgust you feel when you remember beating Lloyd and smiling. You killed a man and smiled, and you are trying everything to stop it from eating you alive. John continued, “Do you think I’m a good man?”
“Yes, I do.” You have never been given a reason not to.
“Do you think Simon’s a good man? Gaz? Soap? Alejandro? Rudy?”
“Yes.”
“We kill people for a living.”
“Isn’t that just the military anyway?”
“No. We are Special Forces. We kill multiple people every mission. Folks who had families, lives outside of their work, but we still killed them. We kill mothers, fathers, daughters, sons, all in the name of world peace. But we also kill purple that the government just has a plain ol’ distaste for.” Fish tank, pink scars, pain, fear, terror, nausea - fuck, your eyes screwed shut as you squeezed your hands. “You killed your father-in-law. So what? You protected your child from being bloody trafficked, and you thought we’d think less of you? Come off it. The man deserved what came to him, and you deserved to kill that man-”
Defend yourself. Fear, terror, nausea. Fish tank. Ornaments. Scars. Anger, hatred, terrified, even as you cried now, you still mourn the loss of life that was dealt by your broken hands. “He was still a human being, even if he-”
“The man who took you and your daughter away from your husband was a virus, a disease, and he needed to be put down.”
Your attacker needed to be put down, but you still killed someone.
“I’m not…I’m not you. I can’t…He was still alive. He hurt me and-and was a bad man but he was still alive.” A rough gasp came from you, the tears felt like the shield and cross you couldn’t help but bear. “But he deserved it. Deserved everything I gave him for-for trying to take my babies away from me. And I’m a bad person for liking being the person who killed him.” Roughly, you clawed at your eyes and ripped the feelings away before you placed your hands in your lap again.
His chair creaked, but you couldn’t look away from your hands and the imaginary blood that covered them. “You’re the strongest person I know. You’re not bad. You’re traumatized, injured, and paranoid because of what you experienced at his hand.” You’re not like him, your friend. You’re not like Simon, even though you had thought you understood so many parts of him. You don’t understand the praise, the fear, the truth. “I’m proud of you for killing him. You protected your family. You took away your family’s abuser.”
“Attacker.”
“Sorry, attacker.” Silence fell like bird wings, the wind whispered against your cheek and shivering was your only option now. John cleared his throat, the ashtray clinked again. “I know you’re upset at my decision with keeping Simon away until you were safe, but it was to protect you. Simon’s… Simon isn’t your husband behind the mask.”
“Yes, he is.”
John’s lips pressed into a thin line, your gaze turned down to your hands that ached like no tomorrow. Pink scars, jagged fingernails. “It couldn’t hurt to ask him to wear the mask, and he might for your comfort, but don’t expect him to be normal.” Silvery scars covered yours as John patted your hand with his own, and it wasn’t lost on you the way his voice softened and cracked, “He was once Lloyd’s prey too.”
•••
“Hey, you need anythin’?”
Simon’s voice scared you, your head darted up from the book in your lap. His head was poked into the room, a hand on the door, and he looked tired. “Yeah. Can you…come in here?”
You closed your book and placed it on the little table next to the rocking chair as he shuffled in and sat in front of you. Your eyes glanced towards the slightly open nursery door and your shoulders slowly declined. Escape was directly in front of you, the baby in her crib and it’s a quick grab if you need to-
No. No, stop it, it’s Simon, he’s Simon.
Pressure began to build on your throat, dryness raked its claws too and you suddenly found it hard to meet your husband’s eyes. The hot splash of shame in your body made your eyes dart down to your hands that sat limply in your lap. Shame because you couldn’t understand your feelings, because everything you have told Simon caused him pain. Shame because this was the one thing you thought you could never ask.
“Can you wear the mask for me?”
His breathing faltered for just a moment, and if you didn’t know him so well, you wouldn’t have noticed. In your peripheral vision, his hands were settled at his sides, but had curled into fists. It was then that shame reared its ugly head and fear roared loudly. What was he going to do? He wouldn’t hit you, but how do you know? How do you know that you can trust yourself with Simon anymore? That he won’t hurt you like Lloyd did?
Your eyes flickered to his fist, the balaclava bulked the side of his sweatpants. The one with the print, you hoped. Skull plates tend to be awkward when shoved into pockets, don’t they? Does it get hot when he wears it? Is it itchy? Has to be when he has his beard. He shaved it before he left, before you were taken, before you were-
“Why?”
The way his voice strained made your stomach instantly squeeze. Red alert, alarms screamed in your head, you had overstepped. You’ve done it before, but…he could do so many things to you if he wanted.
“I’m- I’m scared.”
He could be just like Lloyd, he could grab you by the throat here and take every ounce of trust you have in him and destroy it. He could be a monster too. He was a monster, and you knew it this whole time. You just refused to believe that Simon could hurt anyone.
The fist that squeezed against his side grew whiter every second. It wasn’t purposeful, the way you moved back, away from your husband and the possibility of what pain could be created by his hand. Gone were the nights you let him touch every inch of you without fear, gone were the days you could be jumpscared by your husband without fearing that he’d hurt you. He’s killed so many people, but his list of enemies was still longer than the whole length of Manchester. He was other people’s nightmares and once your favorite daydream, and now you sit here in front of him, praying he wouldn’t lay a hand on you too.
“I can’t.”
Even if his hand did not move, your heart was still ripped out of your chest. Your teary eyes darted up to his face, his piercing eyes drilling holes into yours. Tears escaped quickly, your own hands baffled at your sides. “Why not?”
“I can’t do it.”
“Why?”
Monster. He was a monster and he stood in front of you like a well trained dog - Simon and Ghost bled into one being instead of their strict divide. Panic began to bubble in your chest, shame screamed as fear cried.
Your husband growled through gritted teeth, “Because I will not let you hide from me too. Do you understand?”
The sob that left your throat was like a prisoner escaping, unwanted and quiet. You could do nothing more than hang your head, your hand pressed against your mouth as you tried your best to stay afloat next to your screaming emotions. Even if Simon Riley, a man you truly believed was good, wasn’t a monster before, the way he just broke your heart made you afraid of the dark.
•••
No one had seen him all day, but he knew you could hear him. He was cleaning the bedroom, folding laundry he hadn’t had the chance to. You’re upset and it’s his own fault, but shame was a powerful feeling. The mask sat heavy in his pocket as he zipped up Mellie’s onesies, folded them, and placed them into her laundry basket. He’d have to go back in soon but he wasn’t sure he could face your sobs again. His heart squeezed in agony with every beat, his own tears silent as they fell onto every piece of clothing.
He wanted to put his hand through the wall. He wanted to scream, bring his father back to life and kill him again; he wanted everything to go back to normal where the monster was still in the shadows and all he was to you was a husband. Your Simon. He didn’t miss the fear in your eye, in your body, when he came close to you. It was like a neon sign flashing above you. But he didn’t do anything about it. He didn’t know how to show you that he would never lay a hand on you, or the kids. That he would never raise his voice to control you. The only thing that kept you calm was your baby, and Price, the ever-calming figure and leader. In some way, Simon was jealous, and angry that John could easily talk you down, but he also understood. You knew he was the one who rescued you, it created some strong bond, just like the one he has with his captain. A savior with a bad smoking habit, one who had an affinity to talking down scared Rileys.
He nearly folded another sweatshirt of yours from the basket. You’d only been wearing comfortable clothes, stuff easy to get in and out of because of your back. The doctor said you’d bruised your ribs and pulled a few muscles during your tumble down the cliffside. It was hard enough trying to get you to stop carrying Mellie around, so he wasn’t going to fight you on wearing warmer things like sweatpants or a thicker sweater. There were so many cogs turning in his head, panic and anger buzzing in his fingertips. There was too much to do. Laundry, bathe you, pick Winnie up, grab groceries, ask John when he’s able to beat the shit out of the lackeys they captured in the cabin where they held you. They had good hits to their heads, he’d seen the pictures - they were still knocked out cold by the time Rudy had apprehended them. He had praised you endlessly for it, fighting just how he told you to. Dirty and as fast as you could. But he still couldn’t get the look of your face out of his head, the way you cowered in fear every time he was even in the room. Simon was well aware of how much he looked like his father from a distance, but he looked so much like his mother up close. The softness of his face in the places it counted - cheeks, smile, eyes, even the myriad of scars on his face changed the way he looked.
It didn’t matter. He can’t change the darkness that has you trapped.
In a way, he has you trapped. The thought almost made him throw up on your jumper.
Yet, there’s an insatiable need to understand what happened. To pry open your head and watch your memories like a movie, understand why you decided to fight Lloyd instead of running, why you didn’t take a gun from the table near the door in the cabin, why you refuse to be left alone without Mellie. As much as it would destroy him, it would still help you. It would tailor his drive to help you and the baby.
Simon also wanted to know exactly what his father did to you in the cabin. The nitty gritty details. The withering bruises and the mental wounds you refuse to speak on. He just wanted to understand, but he also didn’t. He didn’t want to know if…if the worst happened. Destroying the house would be too hard to resist. A rampage wouldn’t be enough, he needed everyone responsible to be killed by his own two hands. Pressure beneath Ghost’s fingertips, the feeling of hard bone and pulsating arteries as he ripped jaws out of socket or twisted a neck so violently that the whole base could hear. And if something had happened to Mellie, the entirety of the Russian Mafia would be up in flames by the end of the week.
Can you wear the mask for me?
He rested your jumper on your stack of clothes, his thumb brushed against your university’s logo. You were still working on your degree, you were watching every sports game and cheering like you were in the arena, the last time Simon was home before you were taken from him, ripped from the sanctuary he so carefully built. Sanctity of his home was sacred to him, a little corner of Manchester he made his own, somewhere he could hide and protect his family. Ruins lay tainted in his hands by the one person he hated the most.
The report was long, as to be expected with a spouse and child of his rank being kidnapped. They got a barely intelligible recollection of the events from you, but all he could hear was you repeating, “Nothing happened. Nothing like that.” in a shaky voice. Your husband hasn’t heard you lie before, but you were lying then. He knew you and it tore him apart to hear you cry in that recording, and to hear you cry now.
You would never ask me to do that for you if nothing happened in that cabin.
Simon wiped the tears from his face with a rough hand and stood, pocketed his phone and left the laundry on the bed. Winnie would be done with school soon, he needed to get groceries, but all he wanted to do was curl around his girls and keep them safe in his arms.
As he passed the nursery, he paused as he heard you softly talking to Mellie. He couldn’t bring himself to look at the door, let alone knock. He kept walking.
girl just write those yourself wth “i’m done being nice” PLEASE, and you need to write more btw keep demanding this of others while you don't do half of it yourself
this gave me a good laugh, and to begin, i don’t owe anyone anything. i write because i want to and i like to share.
short and easily consumable media is the trend now, it makes it easier for short ideas (like the ones you’re referencing) to be thought about without a lot of time wasted on the consumers part. long form media, like i have been posting for years, is no longer popular on my blog. the only way my audience wants to interact with me (through comments or reblogs with tags) is through short and quickly consumed media. (you can check my masterlist and see exactly how much i contributed to the original wave of simon riley fanfic, it’s free to read!)
and because i like to provide and i want to inspire other writers, which i have when my work was one of only family-oriented stories for simon riley in october 2022, i write little aus. i poke fun at the fandom, i poke fun at the readers because it entertains. these ideas are to share, not me making a grand spiel and not footing the bill because these ideas were not intended for me, they were intended for my community and any writer who wants to use these au posts to write. i am not lazy for wanting to share with my mutuals and community ideas that aren’t currently used or are fairly rare.
i’m gonna keep doing me, which is provide for my community in a way that i get interaction because i like my community. i’ve been here for two years. i’m not as popular as other writers but that does not mean that i haven’t contributed to the space we use efficiently.
having an older sister who you reconnected with in adulthood is… interesting. barely there to see each other as children because of custody agreements, but still found your way back to the nurturing nature of your sister who was always there, you just weren’t allowed to know.
this is how i see you with your sister, and just how soft this man becomes when he’s with you and her. he’s a powerful man, but he knows he’s safe in your sister’s home with her two kids, husband, and three dogs. and it comforts you to know that she would protect him the way she protects you.
guys. i’m so serious, where are the original tropes. WHERE.
you were kidnapped from your original task force a long time ago. spent almost a decade in a slavic prison, nearly starved and frozen, when the prison is suddenly blown open by special forces.
it’s not that you didn’t want to leave, but you saw the familiar uniforms that were used to take you in the middle of the night and for the first time in years, you felt paralyzing fear. men checked every cell, freeing most they identified, killing their enemies that made up the rest.
the metal leg of your bed in your hand, you pressed yourself against the wall. you would escape when they left, you couldn’t trust british soldiers again, no, they’d hurt you again or put you somewhere darker, even colder, and kill you. you may have been in prison for a long time, but that doesn’t mean you wanted to die. you had peace here, peace until the cell door was ripped open, and a flashlight shoved in your face. you could barely bring down the pipe, the soldier caught it easily. you grunted, phantom tears pricked at your eyes before you looked at the face of your “savior”.
full beard with mutton chops, a boonie hat, and wide eyes as he breathed loudly through his nose.
he reminded you of your lieutenant. and the second he says your name, you knew you were free because john price had told you once that he’d never leave anyone behind.
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a/n: i literally got the fucking writing worms the last few days. i have been non-stop. missus deserves everything because i say so and i love her. (i love you) 4.7k words
warnings: missus’s trauma and her reactions because of it. UNEDITED.
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It’s been at least two days, you were certain of that. There was a tiny window near the ceiling, shining light from dawn to dusk - the only light you were allowed while you sat in the cold basement, holding and taking care of a sick Mellie. You only slept for a few hours, wanting to listen and learn your captor’s patterns, which was what Simon always said to do.
One had heavy footsteps and didn’t do much, only went outside to piss and to smoke. Two liked to pace, he had lighter footsteps, he talked on the phone for at least twenty minutes every hour. Lloyd had loud footsteps, he was constantly talking to his henchmen or on the phone, the only time he wasn’t upstairs was when he came down to make sure you were still stuck with a miserable baby. Anger festered in your chest when you saw him, always bleeding through to the rest of your body.
The only route of escape you had was up the stairs and through the locked door. Then, you had no idea where to go from there.
Would it be better to follow the drive they take up to wherever you are? No, they could easily get in a car and grab you again. If there’s woods, you need to go into the woods.
You wiped at your face after you washed your hands in the sink of the tiny bathroom, it was nestled in the corner of the basement. It was getting darker in the basement, you had already changed Mellie again and tried to feed her but she refused. You were grateful that you were given more diapers than which you started, even if Lloyd handed them to you himself. You were more than desperate to hit him in the face, but you can’t bite the hand that feeds you. You gazed at yourself in the mirror, recognizing your face but not your eyes - fear had made its home there, terror a weight that has drowned many and you weren’t sure you were safe from that fate.
Footsteps above you again, it sounded like Lloyd. You moved out of the bathroom, the concrete beneath your feet was freezing to the touch but you barely acknowledged it, your eyes gazed upon the broken bookshelf beside the staircase. There was only two shelves, one broken and left inside of it. You’ve been looking at it during the day, thinking it may be loose enough to break free and be a weapon.
Creak, creak… click.
The sound of the lock on the basement door made you panic, you darted to your bed to pick up the sleeping Mellie - she barely stirred as you sat on the bed, holding her to your chest and watching your only exit. Your stomach knotted with anticipation, knowing Lloyd would be coming down to “chat” - to pry information about Simon out of you with a cigarette stained smile. Your hands shook, you were desperately gripping Mellie’s little onesie to try and stop it as Lloyd walked down the steps, his wickedly cruel painted on his face.
“Hello, sweethear’.”
A hand on your face made your eyes rip open, the roar in your throat grew louder and your weak arms instantly went to throw the touch off.
“Sweetheart, it’s me, it’s-“
Your push was met with a grunt, “Get off me!”
You threw more of a struggle, you could hear thundering footsteps and you pushed harder. Fight, push him off, keep Lloyd away, away, away-
“Get her on her side-“
“I’m bloody tryin’, Price, she’s not exactly workin’ with me-“
A large hand pushed your hip down, your stomach pressed into the mattress and the same hand on your face cupped your cheek. Paralysing fear pulsed in your chest, your hands were wrenched behind your back. “Get off!” You tried to throw your elbows back, kick your legs, but another pair of hands held your legs down. “Let me go! Let me go!”
“Darling, wake up, it’s me.”
All you could feel were burning hands, disgusting sweat against your face that were merely phantoms compared to this, but it was still terrifying. Your eyes screwed shut as if to hide from your attackers. This wasn’t something you could come back from, they’d tear your limb from limb and pluck the meat from your bones like the starved coyotes they were. Always staring, always wanting to poke, prod, and gnaw on any sliver of skin. “Please-“
Lloyd will kill you. He tried so hard, he’s trying again, he’ll do more than almost slit your throat in half, he’ll stab you, he’ll shoot you, he’ll-
“Watch it, Simon-“
Ice cold water splashed against your face and your eyes shot open, head twisted at an uncomfortable angle and all you could see was Gaz, kneeling beside your bed with a half empty glass of water in his hand. Pressure came from your back, your face, your legs, and you couldn’t move your head to look.
He leaned back on his legs, the sigh that escaped him sounded relieving. “She’s awake now.”
“Kyle?” The hands on your legs disappeared, the pressure on your back slid away, the hand on your cheek went from rough to soothing - it curled around your hairline and brushed the sweaty hairs back. You tilted your head a little to look back, a glimpse of blond hair entered your view. “Simon?”
“Right here.” So he’s the hand on your hair.
The water settled into the sheets before your face, the muscles in your body began to constrict and become almost brittle. The fight in your chest and mind was now long gone, a fleeting exposure to the normal fight or flight response. Fear nestled so deeply in your brain that it bled like a river when you were locked in that basement and nearly tortured. Muscles stunned into paralysis, tears flooded the plains of your cheeks. The nightmares kept getting more vivid, even worse each time, and you weren’t scared by the task force holding you down. Simon’s earned a myriad of scratches, you’ve punched Soap in your sleep, even cut Price’s face with your nails. Gaz was wise enough to be the one to wake you up, after many days of Simon doing it and you screamed so loud every time that the girls were terrified. Ice water was your idea, constraint was your husband’s - you didn’t blame him, the shock of the water would freak you out and you already feel horrible for the damage you’ve caused the family.
You’re already well aware of the exhaustion you bring too. Simon can’t leave you home alone anymore, the rest of the 141 sleep in the empty rooms in the basement just in case your husband needs help with you. Walking was difficult, eating hurt, your lungs out of breath at every turn, even thinking made you ache. He had to be nearly full-time care while he split his time up to take care of the girls, but his friends had stepped up there. It’s temporary, you kept telling yourself. You’d pay them back tenfold someday.
“Jesus, she got you good, man.”
“S’alright.” His gentle hand fled to your shoulder blades, shapes softly rubbed into them. “You alright, sweetheart?”
The sob escaped your lips before you knew it resided there, your eyes screwed shut as tears escaped. You couldn’t roll over to unpin your arm from your chest, your lungs couldn’t rise, and all you could see in your head was that room with the mold, the dirty sink, the bloody quilt, and the box you kept Mellie hidden in. Simon’s gentle rubs on your back did little to help, but it was something nonetheless. Nimble fingers tugged your hair from your face and curled it around your ear, soft words left his mouth as the sound of the bedroom door as it closed made you wince.
“It’s alright, love, you’re home.”
•••
He’s still breathing after you check for the hundredth time. A finger beneath Simon’s nose, his eyelashes fluttered as he dreamt peacefully. He’s tired, you can see it in the way he’s grown sluggish the past few days. Your fingertips ghosted over the bruise on his cheek from where you hit him in your sleep, believing he was your kidnapper and attacker then trying to fight him off. His left hand was settled on his chest, his right arm nestled around you unconsciously. Peace was only afforded at night when you were awake and watching him, crying under the moonlight when you look at all the scratches and bruises you leave on his body. He never deserved this kind of cruelty; it was one you had vowed to protect him from. Yet, the same could be said about him to you.
Your cold hand cradled his jaw, your head finally rested against the pillow again. It’d taken so much of your energy to stay awake, to try and fight the nightmares off, but as you watched your husband sleep, you wondered if you could too.
Except, your bedroom door creaked open and your head snapped to look at it. The shadowy figure held the handle with one hand, the other arm held a shadowy lump. Your hackles relaxed, knowing just how tall your daughter was and you reached an arm down the side of your bed.
“Daddy?”
“It’s just me awake, baby. Come here.”
Winnie shuffled herself into your room, you could recognize the silhouette of her favorite teddy under her arm as she took your hand. You could barely make out her face, but the moonlight reflected off of her tears. Instantly turning on your side, your hand brushed them away.
“What’s wrong? Did you have a bad dream?”
“You were yelling earlier.”
Your answer was immediate. “I just had a bad dream, Daddy took care of me.” An absent movement of your hand curled a lock of her hair around her ear. “I’m alright.”
She sniffled a little, her hand squeezed yours with urgency. “I had a bad dream too.”
Your heart sank, guilt began to gnaw again at your nearly empty insides. Soon it would have nothing left to digest. “C’mon, baby girl, lay up here with me.” You picked Winnie up with what strength you had left and pulled her into bed, nestled on your side. Simon needed his sleep, you decided, so you could handle this. Not that you have been lately, but you still could. Laying around and doing nothing for your children felt painful.
Winnie was quick to dig under the comforter and you nearly tucked her underneath it, and moved more towards Simon so she could have more space. Her hands gripped your loose shirt, her little face nestled on your shoulder and her bear uncomfortably shoved into your side.
“Did you wanna talk about it?”
“I don’t know… It was scary.”
You leaned down and kissed her forehead, “I’m sorry, baby. Was there a monster or was there-“
Her little hand reached up and touched your face, the numbness in your skin dissipated. “You were gone again, Mama, and-and I got really scared.” You met her eyes in the dim light, your hand brushed her tears away. Even now, you could see the true fear on your baby’s face.
“I’m here now, and I’m not going anywhere ever again.”
A little cry came from her lips, “I thought you-you were gonna be like Mum Gr-Grace.”
The implosion of your heart in your stomach sounded like a thousand trains roaring right beside you, it made you nauseous. “No. No, baby, I’m not dying anytime soon. It seemed like it though, huh?”
A little nod.
“And I’m so sorry that it happened. Daddy did everything he could to keep us safe, but sometimes the bad guys are too sneaky. That’s how he got me and Mellie.”
“Uncle Koko got hurt.”
It wasn’t a good moment when König had come to see you in the hospital, his loud limp and hard time bending over. He had been shot three times in taking down a majority of the intruders and narrowly escaped death to try and protect you, which had failed. You had cried and apologized over and over, Simon squeezed your hand and the Colonel left swiftly. You cried for hours after that, sick to your stomach that he could have died for you - and it could have been in vain.
“I know. But he’s gonna be okay, just like me. I’m going to the therapist for help, you remember what a therapist is, right?”
“Yeah, they’re-they’re a doctor for your feelings.”
“Good job, duckling. And I’m getting better every day, even though I have those scary dreams too.” You took her chin in your grasp, “Winnie, I will be okay. It will take time, but I will be okay soon. Healing takes its time.”
“But… But what if Daddy gets taken too? What… What happens if Daddy can’t protect us anymore?”
“Well,” Your hand cradled her cheek as you rested your head against hers. “We have Uncle John, Soap, and Kyle. And if they can’t protect us anymore, I will. I protected your sister the same way I would protect you.”
“Then who protects you?”
“I will. Sometimes you don’t need anyone to protect you, but it’s nice to have it. It’s nice to know Daddy does everything he can.”
“But he…” Failed. Betrayed you. Left you to die.
“It was not Daddy’s fault, do you hear me? Get that out of your head. If he knew, it wouldn’t have happened.” You placed a kiss on her head. “You don’t need to think about that right now, Win. Your dream was just a dream, I’m home with you and Mellie and Daddy now. We can talk more about it in the morning, alright?”
Your daughter sniffled a little before she pulled her bear from between you, and tucked him into her elbow. “Promise?”
Your eyes fluttered shut, your nose nestled in her curls. “I promise. Go to sleep, Daddy and I’ll protect you.” Winnie nodded a little before she moved to kiss your hand.
Sleep didn’t evade you then, your dreams were fleeting and unmemorable.
•••
Almost every surface in your house is covered in flowers. Wives of soldiers who served under your husband sent them, Hell, even a few of the nice crystal vases came from König’s wife, Karo, with a beautiful handwritten note expressing her relief in your return and dismissal of your guilt. My husband does everything for his friends and their families, you are and will be no exception. The card is kept on the side of the fridge with a magnet from London.
Speaking of plants, you have three extra houseplants that come and go at all hours of the day. You were grateful for the basement, you didn’t have to displace your children so the 141 could operate out of your home. Instead, they worked out of your way; always checking in on you and your daughters, which were often met with a wave and a simple “I’m fine.” You were sure Price hasn’t seen the inside of his own house since this whole ordeal started. There was never a moment where you were alone, at least two of the task force stayed home with you. Simon hadn’t been alone in days, you’re sure of it. Taking you to and from base for the military funded therapy they so graciously provided you, you suspected he had pulled many strings to get you in somewhere as quickly as possible. It’s a toll on him, he liked to be alone sometimes and there was nowhere he could hide - not that he wanted to, it seemed. He always had to be near you, touch you, something to make sure his presence was known.
You knew it well. It wasn’t hard to miss Simon’s lurking if you tried, nor was it easy to ignore his tired and injured face. Winnie found it entertaining to decorate his scratches and bruises with her Hello Kitty bandaids and kisses pressed to them, to which he smiled after every one. She’s five and smart, the biggest heart you’ve ever seen, and it almost makes you sick just how much like Simon she is. Kind, caring, expressive, and an overall love bug. It made you excited to see if Mellie would be the same, or the baby.
That’s right. The baby.
A back burner topic that you couldn’t think about too often since everything else felt more important than your pregnancy, like your life or Mellie’s. Your hand settled on the plush of your stomach below your belly button, unknown to Simon. He hasn’t mentioned anything since they ran tests in the hospital. Maybe ignoring it would make it easier if you miscarried, which you were almost sure of when you were in that basement. There was a lot of blood and you… the blur of it made your head hurt. Mellie cried, you… You believed the baby wasn’t definite, even when the doctor told you it was - with twelve weeks under your belt to prove it. There was no point for it to stay when it had every reason to leave, when you had every reason to say it wasn’t safe for your family anymore.
Someone had added newborn diapers and clothes to the weekly grocery run by Kyle, they were both quick to hide them away as if it would set you off. You found your gaze rarely moving from the show on the TV, kept warm by your blanket and Mellie. Exhaustion crept in every moment but you fought it, you could barely eat, barely exist without help. The only thing you were good for now was comforting your children and overthinking to Hell and back.
Mellie sniffled against your chest, you looked down at her to see her swiping at her little eye. You were quick to brush her hair back, her eyelashes fluttered as she looked up at you, tears in her eyes. A kiss to her forehead and she hummed contently, her hand going back to holding her pacifier that she continued to suck on. Just a quick glance to you always calmed her down and any attempt for Simon to hold her ended with ear-piercing screams. Sometimes you felt bad for him, for everything he’s enduring for the sake of taking care of the family - but the little itch in the back of your mind couldn’t care at all. The hour of need he vowed to be there for came and went with no sign of him until it was completely over and you had saved yourself. Saved the child you had without him, then his friends had saved you. Not him. And that betrayal felt like your teeth that chewed your nails down to the quick - harsh and painful.
His hand is on your ankle, his thumb rubbed tiny circles through the blanket and a part of you refused to acknowledge the comfort it provided. At least just for this moment, your husband was in no way a traitor but in the dark recesses of your mind, he was enemy number one - the most wanted man, ready to be hanged for his crimes as if he had stolen the crown jewels. The piece of innocence you once had was now shattered into a million pieces and the irrational side of your brain only had one person to blame.
The rational divide in your body craved the sanctuary of his presence, knowing there was nothing he could do - stuck on base, running interrogations in Price’s stead. He didn’t even know anything had happened until Price called him from the hospital, which a part of you was angry at Price for. The blame shifted like branches in the wind, one could not exist without the other.
The peaceful side of your body craved normalcy. The broken and bleeding side wanted to break your hand in the wall and scream at them until your throat became raw.
The gentle rubbing on your ankle turned to a soft pat, your eyes refocused on your husband as he leaned forwards, peering at you. Your face began to heat as he stared at you, like he was able to claw his way into your head and hear every word you said. “What?”
“You feelin’ okay?”
“I’m fine.”
“You’re staring at me.”
A sigh escaped your nose. “Didn’t mean to.”
His head tilted just a little, a couple strands of hair fell away from his face as he began to study you for just a moment. He sighed too, gently rubbed your leg and looked down at Mellie. “Not nauseous or anythin’?”
Your hand instinctively went to Mellie’s back, your fingers splayed out as if to make her look smaller. “No, Simon.”
His body minutely moved back, he sat up straight and wiped at his nose. “M’gonna go shower. Be right back.” Simon quickly stood and walked away, but not without gently patting your head as he did.
His footfalls were replaced by the sound of the front door closing and heavy boots, you craned your neck to see Soap appear. The paper bags he had were shoved onto the counter, he ripped his hood off of his head and wiped his eyes, blinked a few times, then looked at you. “It’s pishin’ a doon out there.” A slight tilt to your head and he sighed, “It’s raining very hard.”
“Why didn’t you say that then?”
“Ah did.” A chuckle left his lips as he peeled off his coat, placing it on the counter. “Ye 'n' yer Simon are too alike.”
“Why?”
Soap began to dig in the bags, “Ye both ask too many questions. Him more than ye, since I like ye more than ah do him.”
You hummed, your gaze moved down to Mellie again. She’d gotten bigger since the incident and her stay in the PICU; the cold didn’t hurt her much, thanks to the flannel you wrapped around her, as well as how fast Price and his small temporary team found her and then you. The image of the rock face still hadn’t left your nightmares and neither had Price’s terrified scream for a medic.
Sometimes it felt like he was your only friend in this birdcage that was once your home. The only one who understood because he was there, he wrapped up your injuries as they bled and oozed, he stared at what you did to your kidnapper. He saved your child’s life, he saved yours, and ferociously defended his decision to keep Simon in the dark. Price was your friend. Sometimes you hated him too.
A pan clanged against the stove and you flinched, Mellie grumbled a loud and angry, “Mama.”
You pulled the blanket farther up her back, even when it freed your freezing feet. “Sorry, honey. Go back to sleep.”
She shook her head, her button nose pressed awkwardly into your chest before she looked up at you. “Seep?”
You knew better than to get her to nap on you, a particular little thing she was. It took a lot of energy to push yourself up and stand, all while still holding Mellie. The tingling in your hands grew worse with every moment, so you needed to get her upstairs to bed before you could accidentally drop her.
No, you wouldn’t drop her. You can’t drop her. She can’t walk, she can’t do much of anything other than babble, she can’t…
You inhaled through your nose before breathing out. The pungent smell of the candle in the kitchen invaded your nostrils, it made you nearly gag at the smell you once loved. You remembered lighting it that night, you remembered…
“Are ye excited for the parties?”
A look to the kitchen was met with a smiling Soap, your eyebrows furrowed and your chin instantly tucked into Mellie’s hair. The bags were gone, he was starting to cook something.
“Parties?”
He held out a spatula towards you, pointed down towards your daughter. There was no look of confusion on his face, only excitement. “Mel’s birthday party and the baby shower. We’ve been workin’ on ‘em for the past few weeks-“
“Johnny.” Simon’s voice echoed from the stairs as he suddenly made his presence known, quickly shucking on an old black t-shirt.
Soap, the ever present beacon of excitement, chirped, “Hi, LT, I’m makin’ dinner-“
But you didn’t even look at Johnny when he spoke, your eyes bored holes into Simon’s wet hair. “I didn’t know you were throwing parties for that.”
Simon’s glare was harsh before it moved to you, softening immediately. “I was going to tell you when you were feelin’ better.”
Feeling better. Feeling better? For fuck’s sake. You’ve been ushered around this house like a 98-year-old grandma with a fall risk, you just minorly damaged your hands and one of your legs, you were fine. Why couldn’t they see you were fine? Price could. Price was your friend, he could see you were fine. Why couldn’t the rest of them? Why doesn’t Simon know? Why does it seem like he doesn’t know anything?
Your voice instantly rose, anger fire balled at him. “You know I don’t like surprises, Simon!” Does he? Does he know? What does he know?
He winced a little, his hand outstretched as he slowly walked towards you. “I’m sorry, I didn’t think you’d be upset since you were-“
Think. Know. Understand. Notice. Does he do those things?
“That’s the problem.”
No.
“Come again?”
If he did, he’d have noticed the way you leaned back a little, half a step away as he grew closer. He would have noticed the way you held Mellie tighter, the way she squawked in annoyance as you did. He should have noticed the rage in you.
“I said, that is the problem.”
“What is?”
“You don’t think. You never think! Of course I’m not gonna get better with the lot of you hovering over me! I can do things on my own, I’m strong enough! I’ve been fine for weeks!”
Simon was a strong man, he didn't back down. That you knew, you expected his quick quip, “Your doctor said you should be takin’ it easy, love, that’s why-“
“I’m not weak, Simon! I’m passing all the tests with flying colors!” Spit flew from your mouth, your fingers gripped Mellie’s onesie like it was a lifeline.
You stared at Simon with wide eyes, ones that threatened tears. You could see the exhaustion in his face, the bruises you accidentally left him look so much worse in the light of the window. At any other moment, the sight of what you did to him would’ve made you look away. Now, you stared at him, made him look at you and what his broken promises have done to you.
“I’m just trying to help!”
“I don’t need your fucking help! I didn’t before and I don’t now!”
“What the Hell do you mean by that?”
“You know what?” You looked towards Soap in the kitchen, who seemed to look frozen by your gaze, his eyes wide and shocked. “Thanks, Johnny, but I’m not hungry anymore. I’m going upstairs.”
“Sweetheart-“ His hand grabbed your wrist without warning, the one that held Mellie’s back. You almost instantly screeched as your brain went into shutdown - protect Mellie, protect her, protect her-
“Don’t touch me!” Simon ripped it from your wrist so quickly that it almost took you with him, but you kept your balance and held your squirming toddler closer to your chest. The air in your throat constricted, you struggled to breathe as you whimpered, “Don’t… Don’t touch me. Stop.”
Simon shrunk to a size that was too much like a man you didn’t know, a shadow of something inside his brain that made him seem like a frightened child. “I’m sorry.”
You didn’t care at that moment. That little itch in the back of your mind became a gaping gash, and you could only see him as the man who let you get hurt. Who chose his work over your child’s life. Over yours. By God, you were allowed to be angry now. Your jaw clicked with how hard you pressed it together.
I Will Think Of You As I Surely Drown | Happiness Series
a/n: a huge thank you to my lovely editor, @as-is-above-so-below
warnings: mentions of trauma, therapy
summary: Healing is a journey and you're finding your footing on what seems to be a frozen lake, while Simon deals with what it means to break promises.
PREVIOUS << | >> NEXT | SERIES MASTERLIST
When you woke up in the hospital, you felt frozen. Time moved around you, things happened quickly, and words were exchanged faster than currency. The IV in your arm hurt, pulsated with every heartbeat, and your hands sizzled with a faraway pain. Your head felt like a block of ice, and your belly and back pulsated with a dull ache; your throat throbbed, the air being sucked out of your lungs and forced in, and then the sight of Lloyd’s face. Or rather, what you thought was Lloyd. You couldn’t help it–he was all you saw in your head while you slept. God, how long were you sleeping? It didn’t matter, your not-so-heavy hand found the bed remote and pressed the call button more times than you could count.
The figure beside you stood quickly, ducking away from the bed and some breed of fear clawed its way out of your stomach to bash its way into your chest. The shock had left as fast as it came when a squeal escaped you, the red-hot, constricting discomfort of fear encompassing your chest. You could feel your body fighting the breathing tube in your throat, so you could take in more air, hyperventilate. Because, how could he be here? He’s dead, you killed him, his face bashed in for everything he fucking did to you and could have done to your baby and everything you–
The overhead fixture flooded the room with harsh, fluorescent light, and that’s when you could see the perpetrator - but it wasn’t him at all. In a thin sweatshirt, an old pair of sweatpants, and a heavy set of eye bags, was Simon. Not Lloyd. He was dead. It was your husband, your Simon, your protector.
Tears fell from your eyes, and even as new bodies invaded your view, your beat-up hand reached for him instinctively. The ringing in your ears forced you to rely on your whines as the nurses tended to you, taking the breathing and feeding tubes out, and checking your pulse and blood pressure. Your eyes stayed on Simon. His face looked sunken in, hair greasy, almost plastered down to his scalp. He was paler than usual, his eyes red, hands fidgeting as he cried. Your beating heart cried out for him; the second your mouth was free from the tubes, you tried to speak, but only a broken squeak escaped. The nurse moved out of the way and he was back at your side in a second, hands hovering over where they’d usually hold your face. The heave in your chest as you cried only made him shy away more.
I need you. I need you to hold me and tell me everything's gonna be okay.
But he doesn’t. He had no words. Not in his heart or his brain. Nothing but sobs and kisses to your unmarred cheek, and his nose pressed into your hair.
How your brother looked at you when Simon brought him in made tears roll faster than ever. It was a look you’ve only seen once - when you broke your arm playing soccer as an eight-year-old. It wasn’t your fault; a girl had shoved you and another trampled over you, breaking it just a few inches from your wrist. Any closer and it would’ve fucked your ability to write. Jake sprinted across the field and picked you up, telling you it would be okay, even though his eyes were full of tears that matched yours.
He settled in a chair beside you, opposite Simon, petted your head, and wiped your tears away with his thumb. In all of your years of following him around, always worried about getting in trouble or getting hurt, nothing had ever changed - he was still your comfort, the person you trust to take care of you when you’re hurt, and you knew that he would protect you with everything he had.
That comfort did nothing to lessen the guilt that plagued you once you realized you were happier to see him than Simon.
“Didn’t mean to be late. I didn’t know you were awake.” He rubbed the bed just parallel to your arm. “How are you?”
“She can’t talk much,” Simon spoke quietly. You looked over at him. His eyes were irritated, his hair disheveled, and he held your finger left out of the cast. At least he was saving you from having to speak, talking hurt more than you cared to admit. You couldn’t tell them how you felt, what happened, or describe the flood of broken pieces on the shore that was your mind.
Jake hummed in acknowledgment, your eyes fell on him. “Well, I’m glad you’re awake, and that you’re okay.” The feeling of Simon’s head against your thigh was normal to you now, the crown nestled just beside your knee, and you couldn’t help but raise your hand then lay it on the back of his neck. Jake watched with a tired gaze before he spoke your name. “I’m staying to help you as long as I can. With the kids, and you. Just until you don’t need me.”
“Price is staying too,” Simon rumbled, and your heart stung again. Something akin to anger nestled there at the mention of the captain. Not at him, but more towards Simon - all you wanted to see when staring up at that cloudy sky, wounded and bleeding, was Simon, but you got John instead.
“Thank you.” The whisper left your lips before you looked back at the TV, desperately fighting the disappointment in Simon. Jake nodded to himself in the corner of your eye, and Simon’s chest slowed to steady breaths as he finally found sleep for the first time since you woke up.
You wished you were little again, back when you could pretend everything was okay by just forgetting about the pain; lying about whether you cried or not. Pretending you didn’t have nightmares. Lie and pretend. Lie and pretend.
Easier said than done.
“I don’t want to be here.”
“But, you need to be.”
“You aren’t even a normal civilian therapist. All you’re gonna do is parrot everything I say straight to Price and get Simon in trouble.”
The woman took her glasses off, then moved the plastic clipboard from her lap before she leaned forward toward you. The blanket on your lap barely did anything to keep you warm. Curled as much as you could on your wheelchair, you watched the therapist in her blouse and slacks as she examined you like an organism on a petri dish beneath a microscope.
“This is a safe space for you. It doesn’t seem like it, but it is. Kate Laswell specifically made sure you could meet with me right away. These appointments fall under HIPPA.”
“But you’re still military. This is for their record of what happened, so they can play accountant for the money they spent to save me.”
“This is your third appointment, and you just now have an issue.”
“I’m only here because it makes Simon feel better.”
Marli - the kind, indifferent therapist - looked at you with such…you couldn’t place it. It wasn’t sympathy, it wasn’t anger or bitterness or disgust, it was…your foggy mind couldn’t produce the word.
“You’re not here because you want to be.” A statement. A correct one, but it stung to hear.
“No.”
“And you’ve said multiple times that you don’t want Simon to hear or read the transcripts. Or Captain Price, or Sergeant MacTavish.“
“Only Gaz. If you have to give someone the report, Gaz.”
“Only Sergeant Garrick, because he’s not as close to Simon.”
“He’s close, just…” You sighed. “Kyle keeps secrets just fine. Soap’s a blab and Price…I don’t want his best friends to hear what happened and tell him. I don’t even…I don’t-” Your hand moved slowly to rest on your chest, below your collarbone, and above your heart. You applied pressure there with your fingertips. A comforting touch, something to stop the pain you get in your lungs when you start to think about what happened. “I know it’s our third session, I know they were to get adjusted to you from the last girl, but today’s not the day to talk about it. It’s just not.”
She crossed her leg over her knee and adjusted the blanket on her lap, her clipboard still in her tight grasp as she leaned back in her comfortable chair. “That’s fine. We can start slow, and build up to some things. The original retelling we have from you is-”
“I am not doing that again. I’m not–I’m not telling another one of you what happened, okay? It’s not fucking happening today. I just want to sit here and answer your stupid fucking boring questions so I can pretend I’m not a victim! For one fucking hour!” Your free hand hit the armrest of your wheelchair, emphasizing your position, before you tugged your blanket up to cover more of your stomach. “I want to leave. I want Simon. Tell him to come get me, I want to go home.”
Marli sighed, nodded, and placed her blanket and clipboard on the low side table beside her. She looked at you, as you looked away from her, focusing on the small fish tank again. “You won’t be leaving a session early after this. In our next session, we will be talking about the event. Prepare yourself.”
You waved her off as you watched the blue fish slowly peck at the glass that enclosed it.
Everything is normal in your house. In your bathroom. Your husband washed your hair and ducked out to get your clothes, but you still needed to brush your teeth.
Normal. Normal things for the Riley household.
The sound of clicking in your subconscious seemed to scratch at a wiry pocket in your brain, digging with dirty fingernails, the itch so deep that the sensation made you nauseous. You reached for your toothbrush with your dominant hand, your bad hand, but you shook your head and grabbed it with your sore, uninjured hand. Pinky and ring finger curled, grasp so flimsy that a breeze could throw your yellow toothbrush from your palm. A sharp pain radiated in your index finger, pulsing at the same rate as the click in your head. Click, click, click, click, click. Your eyes finally fell upon your task, seeing your swollen hand; stitch holes, and jagged, healing scabs from where you shredded the top of your hand on the stone and Lloyd’s face.
Lloyd.
Your eyes stayed open, stung with every short breath of air from the fan and tears. If you blinked, you would be back in that basement, the sound of the sink running to hide Mellie’s crying, and your screams for Lloyd to get away.
Click, click, click, click, click.
A short rap at the bathroom door made your head snap to the left. Your heart stammered when you saw Simon, your clothes in one hand and a worried look on his face. He wasn’t good at hiding his emotions, but he tried. You wanted to let yourself fall into the overwhelming fear, let yourself scramble away and scream until he left you alone. You wanted to scream and cry until you couldn’t anymore, like you did two days before. You wanted to wallow in silence; sit in your bathtub, press your broken cheekbone to the cool porcelain, and knees to chest until you disappeared under the lip of the tub.
In your need for solitude and overwhelming misery, only anger answered the haunting clicking in your head. Click, click, click, and your toothbrush was thrown to the floor, tears welled in your eyes. Unwavering rage climbed out of that stringy, tangled pocket of your mind and filled your body with a buzz. Simon was quick to stay in your sight and keep his hands near himself.
“What do you need?”
A shovel and a baseball bat. One to dig Lloyd up, and the other to beat the shit out of his fucking corpse, because he deserved more of a beating than he got. He deserved to have his skull crushed even more, messy chunks splattered across the ground like a pumpkin. Lloyd has to be rotting in Hell, that is what you need to hear. You need his face to stop morphing onto Simon’s, and stop being plastered on random faces. You need the nightmares to stop, or something to escape them. Maybe a cigarette. Or an edible. Or a bottle of tequila. Or a large bottle of wine, or three. Escape reality for just a minute, a time when you’re not bordering on a panic attack in the bathroom where you miscarried your son, or being pitied by your brother and your husband, or unable to hold your children. All you need is to tuck their heads of curls into your chest. Take the jagged pieces of yourself and hide them away from the clicks and anger, just to save them from the flood.
You’ll have to find the words sometime. It’s easier to conjure them for a stupid therapist that you don’t know than it is to scavenge them for Simon. There’s not much to say to your husband and nothing to say to the son of your…attacker.
Attacker. Let’s go with that.
“Honey, what do you need?”
A breath rattled your pain-wrapped chest. “A cigarette.”
He huffed a chuckle, and his left hand grabbed your sleep shirt. An old, worn shirt of his with a faded Metallica logo on the front, well-loved by him, and then you. You’ve worn it for two years, the majority of your relationship, and it’s one of your favorites. Holes in the sleeve, and threads loose at the bottom so the hem is a little fucked; you weren’t sure why, but you pushed it away. With your bruised and swollen hand, not the cast one.
Why not the cast? You pushed everything away with it—the stuffed animals, the blankets, the physical contact from anyone but your children. Why the sudden change? Did something turn in your brain when you saw the black t-shirt, the comfort of it? Did it no longer serve its purpose as a comfort item? Your bruised hand shoved at the pants and the underwear, and your stomach finally caught up to your brain - nausea settled in your cheeks like magma. The feeling of anything on your skin felt like a death sentence, the feeling of the bathtub against naked skin sounded like a grace of the angels, and why did you keep crying when the anger seemed to disperse like mice?
None of it made sense.
You hated the look in Simon’s eyes. The look of confusion, of worry. He doesn’t need to be confused about this. You can do what you want. You’re allowed to be angry and upset and push away clothes that make you want to puke your guts out into the sink.
Click, click, click.
If he could stomach leaving you, abandoning you, then he’d have to stomach this too. Him not being there, having broken his promise to keep you and your children safe.
Your eyes followed Simon as he kneeled, picked up every article of clothing, then placed them back on the sink. His eyes observed your face, your eyes, and he took a half step back. “M’gonna change Mellie. Yell f’me if you need help getting dressed.” He was gone the moment after, the bathroom door pressed into its latch with a deafening click, and you were left alone again.
Click, click, click.
A warm sensation started in your chest, nestled deep in your sternum and came on as suddenly as it moved around your body, enveloping you. It made you want to remember, but you could not place the sound from where-
You had observed the basement door’s lock had to be jiggled around to be unlocked. There were usually three clicks when unlocking the door, followed by the henchmen talking or Lloyd appearing at your bedside. He would sit, hand on your knee as he spoke with an even tone about your life, his intent for you and your infant. The life you’d live as a trafficked woman, and how Mellie would be sold off to a wealthy family. The way he crooned about how you’d never see Winnie or Simon again, how he constricted your body to the bed with that fucking smile and-
A thud came as you fell to your knees, a warbled cry escaping your lips as your plastered hand settled on the rim of the sink - the free fingers curled around the edge. The soft cotton of what was once your favorite shirt grazed your fingertip, and disgust roared its nasty head in your stomach.
What do you need?
Click.
Your shaking lungs finally freed a breath you didn’t know you were holding, as you allowed yourself to melt onto the white tile floor. You don’t remember the last time you mopped - or much of anything - but it didn’t matter. There wasn’t an inch of you now that could care about germs, about the grime growing in the corners and crevices; only about how soothing the cool surface of the tiles felt.
Half of your forehead pressed against the floor, you exhaled, and exhaustion sunk its claws deep.
Simon returned only a couple minutes later, his warm hands covering you with the softest blanket he could find before he settled himself in the doorway. When you woke up from your nap, he planned to help you back to bed. It was easier to keep an eye on you and his babies from the threshold. Winnie was still sleeping peacefully on an air mattress, covered in blankets at the foot of his bed, and Mellie finally nestled into a corner of her pack-and-play; Simon watched her nod off before he looked back at you.
He wanted to reach out, stroke your face, fix your hair, but he didn’t. His hand sat limply on his lap.
Coward. Coward, coward, coward.
The nightmares only get worse as the days go on. Comforting you is easy.
But comforting Mellie? If Simon were a softer man he would’ve crumbled into dust. Holding his infant as she screamed, little fists hitting his face and chest, the endless wailing - feet kicking his stomach; he was sure that if he had eaten anything yesterday, her kicking would’ve made him sick. He gently rubbed her back, his cheek against her temple as she thrashed, exhausted and scared. It made Simon want to combust.
He hasn’t been able to get close to her in days; see her little brown eyes, button nose, her three little bottom teeth when she smiles. All he wanted was to comfort his child, but she wanted nothing to do with him.
A sudden touch to his shoulder and Simon jolted. Mellie’s cries intensified as he turned to see Price - a tired look in his eye but his arms out. That was the routine now; Mellie would wake up from a nightmare, and Simon would try to help, but ultimately hand her to Price, who offered to be their live-in aid until you and the girls got back on your feet. Simon didn’t waste a second handing his child off to her godfather, who calmed her in the time it took Simon to wipe his face and sit in the rocking chair. Anger simmered like a pot to boil, hot water scalding Simon’s body with burns he’d never heal.
He had faith in, trust, and love for his brother-in-arms. But that didn’t ease the burn of watching how easy it was for him to fix what Simon should have had the balls to.
It was so easy for a man who had nothing to repair Simon’s broken family, the family he disassembled, and it made Simon want to throw punches at a brick wall.
He had everything and he threw it all away for the job.
He found solace in the punching bag at the base gym, wrapped hands, and a tense stance.
One, two.
One, two.
The bag swayed with every punch. No headphones this time; the gym was abnormally quiet in this corner. Everyone decided that Lieutenant Riley needed his space, especially since every rookie who even breathed near him got to clean latrines with their toothbrush. Or paint all of the gravel on base a nice, thick coat of white. There was peace in this corner - a man and a quiet sack of sand to keep him on his toes.
One, two, a deep breath, and Simon sent another two punches, harder than the last. His eyes narrowed, balanced on the balls of his feet, core tensioned to hell, he was full of rage, guilt, and a sick feeling of shame. With every punch, his knuckles felt fire, and his soul didn’t feel any lighter. He tried to stay out of his head and punch the bag, but all he could see was his father, bloodied and on the floor after Simon’s punch put him there. One two. He could feel how punching Lloyd felt again, so hard that he thought he had broken his fingers. With every punch to the bag, he tried to figure out how you broke your hand. By a certain point, he understood. He also wanted to beat Lloyd’s face in until he couldn’t move, and wouldn’t again.
“LT.”
Simon punched the bag again. “She done?”
“Twenty more minutes.”
“Then why the fuck are you botherin’ me?” One two.
Soap stood off to the side, hands in his pockets as he watched his friend. Simon ignored his presence briefly and threw harder punches, making the bag sway like a leaf in the wind. His stance was tense, and completely closed off; the man was ready to rip a hole in the bag. Soap approached him, but only to be in his field of vision.
“Widen yer feet, LT.”
“Fuck off.” One two.
“Widen yer feet. Ye'r too tense. Ye'r gonnae break yer hand.”
“This is not the time to be my fuckin’ friend, Soap.”
“Th' babies are cryin’ fur ye. So, finish up 'ere 'n'-”
The bag suddenly swung toward Soap. He pushed it back. Simon punched it again, harder, and Soap pushed it back again.
“Brother, we’re gonnae help whether ye lik' it or nae, but th' girls want ye. And ye need nae goosed hands to take care of yer babies.”
Simon punched the bag with all his might, throwing his full weight into it. The bag hit Soap before he turned away, his fists and teeth clenched. He hustled into the locker room, grabbed his bag from the locker in the corner, and threw a sweatshirt over his sweaty t-shirt. He was prepared for Winnie to comment on his stench, for Mellie to cry the second he picked her up, and to see your full expression before he wheeled you to the car.
The therapy sessions were daily now. Jake had returned to the U.S. a couple days ago, and Simon had no one to watch the kids at home. The daycare on base was the only option. Winnie was too old for it, but he refused to let her go back to school, at least for another few days. She wasn’t ready yet. He just needed enough time for you to get on your feet, into a new normal, then Winnie could go back to school and be the social butterfly she always was.
He’s glad the daycare is nearby, he was silent when he signed out the girls, keeping Mellie close to his chest and a firm and gentle grip on Winnie’s hand. He was early, but he didn’t want to talk to Soap. He didn’t want to talk to anyone about this. The carefully wrapped bandage holding his anger together was close to ripping, the pain and shame of not being the one to protect you, to save you and Mellie was destroying him. A sick part of him didn’t want to fix it; let himself feel your pain and suffering as punishment. He was already riddled with guilt that he couldn’t protect you going forward, not from your mind; and ashamed that his teammates were living in his house, taking care of his kids while Simon focused on your care.
He should be able to do this alone. He’d lost a lover and raised their baby alone, he’d suffered years of abuse alone, and he was sure he’d die alone too.
Mellie’s whimpers softened when you’re wheeled out to him, her little hand reaching out for you, and you stretched to meet her. Simon placed your daughter in your lap like always, and your bruised arms wrapped around her. Winnie squeezed Simon’s hand. He looked at her, the messy ponytail and worried look on her face, and felt nothing but gut-wrenching shame in his belly.
“Let’s go, girls,” he said softly, letting go of Winnie to push your wheelchair. “We’ll pick up dinner on the way home.”
It’s the middle of the night and Simon hasn’t left your side in hours. Your fingers curled in his hair as you finally slept peacefully, his head cradled against your chest. The TV hummed with the sound of an action movie you put on for him, which he ignored in favor of laying beside you, just…being in your presence, feeling your chest expand, listening to your heartbeat. He rested his hand on your belly, hoping to feel some sort of moving from your newest addition.
That peace was all he wanted.
He hasn’t allowed himself that comfort since he sat beside you in the hospital for two weeks straight. Then, you were like crumbling paper, any unplanned touch would destroy you.
Yet, here he was. Head on your heart, sleep nudging at his eyes – but he fought it off. He was conscious of his weight, only his shoulder and arm on you. It had taken two more weeks to get to the point where Simon could sleep with you. The air mattress fucked with his hip, but he refused to complain. Both of you danced around what happened, but he knew that what you went through was worse than he could ever imagine. He thumbed your belly as he daydreamed about the normal conversations you should be having. Names for the baby, suspicions about what the sex could be, what you wanted to do differently, what color to paint the nursery.
He wouldn’t tell you, but he wanted another girl. He wanted to keep the nursery yellow and move his office into the basement so Mellie could have that room. He’d been eyeing a nice floor bed for her to transition to. He had so many plans, so many things he wanted to do, but he needed your approval. Craved it. Wanted you to get better, mentally and physically, so you could enjoy a pregnancy together, for the first time.
He wanted Mellie’s upcoming first birthday to be exciting for you, marking the end of your first year raising a baby. He wanted you to see Mellie without vicious memories attached, her cries whisking you away to a place in your mind that he couldn’t save you from. He wanted you to look at Winnie without fear of losing her. He wanted you to stop looking at him like he destroyed you, not his father. He wanted you to stop finding safety in Price and Alejandro and Rudy, the men who located and saved you. He wanted to be the person who rescued you; he wanted that closure, the ability to unload his magazine into his father’s head.
Simon wanted many things. Yet, he kept them in his head like all of his opinions about the situation - it’s shit. He hated seeing you and the girls in pain, and he hated Price and Laswell for keeping the kidnapping from him.
He wanted to toss and turn. He wanted to throw off the blanket, go out to the garage, and have a go with the punching bag for an hour. No gloves, no wrap; just knuckles, and canvas - sure, some tears, anything for the escape. There’s selfishness in want, craving so insatiable at times that he had to give pause. A silent moment to breathe, let his mind wander, and define his needs - you and the girls. Those were his only needs. His “wants” could fill a thousand pages, all ready to fire away with the strike of a match.
A fingernail scraped against his scalp and a low sigh escaped his chest. His cheek nudged your chest before he mumbled, “G’back t’sleep.”
“Off.”
He was instantly detached from you, little bubbles of darkness edging his vision from the dizziness as he flipped onto his back. His arm was still settled under your back, unsure if taking it back was the right move until you let out a whine of pain, and then-
A sigh of contentment as your cheek nestled on his shoulder, good arm settled on his chest, your hand gripping his ID tags. His arm curled around your back and he kissed your hair as you grew drowsy again.
“Love you, my missus.”
A weak hum left you. “Love you, Si.”
Simon’s head dug deeper into his pillow, and his eyes fell on the TV for just a moment before they moved to you. He almost didn’t want to look, out of fear of spooking you away. Voluntary touch was nonexistent until this moment, and he didn’t want to risk its end. Simon watched the delicate movements of your chest as you breathed, the blanket still tangled in your bodies, and reveled in your cold toes pressed into the side of his calf. He kissed your hair again before his nose found residency there, and his eyes finally closed. If there was a sense of bliss to be found, it would be right there in that bedroom, with a husband holding his wife as she slept peacefully.
“…concerning behavior from her, and we’re not quite sure what could have brought it on.”
He gazed at his daughter’s face, the tears and snot that ran down it, and the shame that covered it. She was a Riley, facing danger head-on - she didn’t break her father’s eye contact. If he were his father, her ass would’ve been bruised the second he walked into the office.
But he wasn’t his father. Instead, Simon’s child stood in front of him, crying, but not scared of him. She felt safe to do so, and it made Simon feel confused. He was proud yet ashamed of his child’s actions and the thought made his stomach twist.
“We know you and your wife have had a difficult month. Winnie has been fine the last few days, but we just can’t get her to stop…”
Crying. Bursting into tears in the middle of a lesson, and hiding in the corner with the stuffed animals.
Simon let his hand gently brush her hair from her face, her little body trembling as she cried harder. He was quick to pull her into his lap, let her tears drench his sweatshirt, and her little hands hold onto him for dear life. He kissed her hair before looking at the headmaster, softly saying, “I’ll be keeping her home for the rest of the week.”
The woman nodded. “I understand.” She waved a little at the five-year-old, “Have a good week, Ms. Winnie.”
Simon grabbed her princess backpack, put it on his free shoulder, and kept her close to his chest. He weaved through the front office, out of the building, through the front gate, and started their walk home. Winnie’s forehead was pressed to his neck as he looked both ways on the street before he crossed, even when the crosswalk light was green. The occasional thought rattled around in his head, but nothing of substance. He bristled when the breeze whipped against her hair and his face.
The winter was letting up, getting warmer the closer it got to Mellie’s birthday, but Simon couldn’t find cause for excitement. Not when his daughter was sobbing and whimpering on his shoulder, and not when his baby wailed so hard that she turned blue in the face, not when his wife was fighting a battle he could not see.
He is the lone light atop a rocky cliff, guiding the boats taking on water to shore. And the house that holds the light is burning to the ground.
“Daddy.”
A few more streets to cross and they’ll be home. Simon felt Winnie shiver a little, and he huddled closer to her. “Yes, duckling.”
Her teeth chattering made his heart break. Even with her warmest coat on, she was still freezing. “Is Mama - a bad person?”
Under the snow-topped trees of the park, Simon Riley stopped mid-step. He had been cataloging every person they walked past, every pram that bustled by, every tree that crackled with the sound of ice thawing. He threw caution to the wind, pulled Winnie’s head from his neck, and looked her in the eye, “Of course not. Why would you think that?”
She tried to tuck her head back down, but he made her look at him. She wiped the snot on her face with her sleeve. “You always say that good things happen to good people.”
Dammit. Good parenting, always biting him in the ass.
He’d be lying if he said he wasn’t a little proud of himself, but he couldn’t deny how his heart burned with agony.
“And bad things happen to bad people. Is Mama bad?”
“No. No, never in a million years is Mama a bad person.” His icy hand brushed her tears away, pushing down his fear, and spoke, “I am the bad person.”
“…You?”
He didn’t expect his nose to prickle, or his eyes to burn. “I’m the bad person that bad things happen to. My choices. I save the world, yes, but I have to do bad things to do it.”
“So…the bad people who took Mama and Mellie… did you-”
“No. I didn’t tell anyone to take them away. The people that I stop…they did that because they don’t like me.”
“But, Daddy, I think you’re a good person.”
Simon’s hand curled around the back of Winnie’s head, cradling it as he spoke even softer, “I know you do. Daddy is a good person. But when I wear the mask, when I’m Ghost…”
“Ghost isn’t a good person.”
“No, he isn’t, love. The bad guys made choices that hurt Mama and Mellie. And I’m trying to fix what they hurt.”
“So Mama’s not bad.”
He shook his head. “No. Just me.”
“No, Daddy’s good.” Her cold little hands settled on Simon’s cheeks, and his bleeding heart warmed just a little. “Ghost is bad.”
“Okay, duckling.” He pushed her hair from her face and some feeling of sickly sweet warmth nestled in his head as he memorized his daughter’s little face for the nth time. His smile, his eyes, his curly hair, everything he took from his own mother. He leaned forward and placed a kiss on Winnie’s forehead before he rested his cheek there, eyes closed, “I believe you.”
A outlaw turned cowboy put an ad in the newspaper across the country for a wife to settle down with. You, a quiet 20 year old, are desperate to leave your overbearing mother behind. You want to marry someone who will leave you alone, and John was fully intent on respecting your wishes - until you arrived on Kate Laswell’s Montana farm in the Spring of 1908. He’ll never let you go.
Chapter One - Enchantment in the Air
You’ve responded to the ad, traveling for days to a secluded farm in Montana to marry a man who would free you from the loneliness that infested your life back home - at the cost of your freedom. Or so you think.
