#let me explain...

I have been trying to write my letter to Tom for almost a week now. I've wanted to write to him for a long time, but even more so after I watched The Deep Blue Seaand the interview Tom did after that, in which he says "Yeah it’s hard, isn’t it? I don’t know much about suicide. I’m such an optimist, strangely, in my life. I’m generally a very happy person, and I - it’s hard to think into a place where you do not want to be alive.”

I don't talk about it much, but there was a time in my life, fairly recently, actually, that I was suicidal. My first attempt was when I was 14. I had sat on my bed, wanting to take the pills, wanting to end it all. I had just ended a severely abusive relationship, was dealing with the depression and self-loathing that came with it. It was all too much for me to bear.

I want to explain to Tom what it is like to stand on the brink. For me, I will liken it to the end scene ofThor.You are holding on, barely, in between life and death. While your loved ones are there reaching out, trying to help you, they are often the ones that hurt you the most. In the case of Loki, Thor and Odin both tried to save him, tried to pull him to safety. They obviously loved him; however, both of them failed to remember all of the harsh words they said to Loki, all of the times they cast him aside, made him feel less than worthy. Thor and Odin were the ones to hurt Loki most.

In suicide, you start to think of all the things you could have done, the things you could have said. With Loki, it was when he told Odin that he could have done it. These feelings come when you think of the people who you have wronged, the ones who you have let down. In the final moments, you feel so alone, so helpless...It's like you are falling into a darkness and there is nothing that can be done about it.

Now here is where it getsreallypersonal. Even though I tried suicide when I was 14, I never actually took the pills. I got scared, scared of what would happen if I did. However, when I was 16, I tried once more; my depression hit a new low and I felt so utterly worthless and empty that I could not go on anymore. I actually took the pills this time, though I only took 12. It was not enough to kill me, but enough to make me quite ill.

In the moments after I took those pills, I saw the loved ones that had hurt me in front of me. They were the last thing I saw before I swirled into the abyss, hovering in the realm of unconsciousness. It is like you are floating; you are not there in the physical world, but yet you are not dead either.

After that attempt, I got help. Unfortunately, instead of trying to kill myself, I vented my feelings in another poor way by taking a blade to my skin. I began cutting my thighs and legs, amounting to over 200 cuts in a few short months. I had the feelings of suicide creep up again, though this time I chose life over the pills.

It has been a long battle to recovery. I have not had a suicide attempt in nearly 3 years, though I am still trying to recover from self-harm. I know it will continue to be a struggle, but that that struggle will be worth it in the end.

I guess I want to write Tom a letter to explain how you can feel so empty, so sad that no matter what you do, nothing can make you happy. I want to tell him that suicide makes you feel like you are barely hanging on, that the ones who caused your pain are the ones who will ultimately save you.

It's just hard to put your feelings into words, how you can be so sad that you feel the only way out is death. I have been there; it is not a fun place. Unless you've been in that position yourself, you can't possibly understand the pain someone goes through when they are suicidal.

So anyway, I still don't know how to write that letter. All I know is that I want to tell Tom that suicide is the ultimate oxymoron; you are letting go while still holding on. You are letting go to this world, to the pain you've suffered, but you are still holding on to the memories of that pain. I want to tell him that my experiences as a survivor have taught me that to hold on, you must let go, but to let go, you must also hold on. You need to hold on to hope if you have any chance of letting go of the pain, of the feelings that are holding you back.

I want to tell Tom that I am a survivor, that even though I have scars, they are merely battle scars. They're proof that I lost the battle against depression, but the fact they are scars and are not freshly bleeding is proof I have won the war.

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