#leslump

Diary Entry: Thursday 30th May 2024 It annoys me that I have to write something like this to get my 445 words so that I can keep my streak up. Mostly, I annoy myself. I should have done some writing this morning but I didn't end up sleeping until 2, maybe 3 am so getting up at 6 was always going to be a struggle. I'd like to say I could blame it on my cycle (which I hate) or something else, but I suspect the erratic sleeping over the past few days has more to do with an underlying stress issue. Work? Probably. Anyway, it leaves me here journalling for four hundred words. Is there anything inherently wrong with this? Probably not other than I don't do journalling and it annoys me that I haven't wanted to force myself to write for the last few days. I've been quite impressed with the stuff with Sallow as well. I think I don't want to look at cutting out chapters. That might be my big issue. Yet, I think it probably does have to be done. I worry that the book is too slow in some senses, though I've written it in a way that makes sense to me. Currently, I'm looking at around 200,000 words which is 80,000 too long. There are big chunks of it that can be hacked out but equally, there are bits of it that I feel definitely have to stay. It has evolved a lot over the past two to three years, fair play. And the main thing to celebrate is that it's got past the complete first draft at all. I find myself now wanting to play with the characters - Worldbuilder disease? — and really feeling like I need to be reading more, especially around the grammar and construction conventions. But then I worry that I'm not spending my time writing and end up in that strange spiral which never even seems to close so you don't have the finality of closure even through the continuous contractions. Anyways, I'm going to try and do something productive for the last 100 words and 13 minutes and fill in some more character bios. 

See, I can't remember being in this space. I saw the date that said 'May' and thought, what the hell was I doing in May? What was I writing in May? Where? 

The length of time doesn't bother me so much any more. And that is a lie - of course it bothers me, but I'm trying to learn how not to let that grip me as fear. 

Do we always write as though we're not going to wake up tomorrow? Is there always a latent fear that we're going to get so far in this thing we're doing and then never get to see the finish line? 

Shit.

Is this because I'm forty next year?