As we get further into this very strange, very scary election year, I've begun noticing a lot of people coming to realize some of their friends and family were not who you thought they were.
Best friends are slowly bringing out the red hats. Close family members you confided in are starting to ask you to "see their side" or "reconsider your beliefs". Coworkers are starting to put distance between you and themselves. Friends are "forgetting" your preferred pronouns. Maybe some are asking if you're REALLY sure you're gay/bi/ace/trans/etc. Partners are suddenly wanting something more "traditional".
Or worse yet, as these people show their true colors, they tell you: "Yeah I hate this group of people, but YOU are the exception!"
As if this is some kind of compliment. As if this isn't a massive, heartbreaking moment of horror. As if this isn't the most blatant breach of trust, confidence, and safety we have ever felt.
Many of us - myself included - have probably already experienced this. I experienced this when my maternal white grandfather was still alive. This was WAY before the Tumor era, thank god, but back then, if my grandpa had his way, he would put every mexican and black person in concentration and labor camps. Except me. Because he didn't "see" the other half of me that was most definitely NOT white. To him, it didn't exist. I'm JUST his granddaughter.
Some ignorant folks would call that "sweet", but trust me, it isn't. It's exclusion and discrimination, though twisted in a way that makes it seem more like fondness and protection rather than outright racial discrimination. It sucked. Even as a vaguely aware 5yo to when I was 20 and he was still (barely) alive, it made me feel disgusted with him.
Being put in an "exclusion zone" is NOT the compliment some people think it is. It's definitely not a safe place to be, and it's not something that makes any group feel good. It's fucking condescending at best, outright racist (or any brand of (insert)phobic) and unsafe at worst.
If you have gone to a friend or family member with these thoughts of "exclusing" them from "the rest of that weird group", you need to stop, and reevaluate if you actually value this friend or family member as a fucking PERSON, and not some special case that needs to be isolated from others they can connect to and relate with in ways you can never give them.
If you have faced this sort of exclusion and discrimination: I am so, so sorry, and I want you to know you are not alone. It fucking SUCKS to have your feelings of trust and safety dashed all at once; to see literal years of friendship and trust just. Vanish. And you never even realized it was gone and replaced with some vague replica until now. I'm so sorry. It hurts so much, and I think it's best if you reconsider how close you want to be to this person. Because like it or not, people like this just cannot lose an argument. Logic doesn't work. Reason is waved off. Compassion is weakness. They have to choose to be open to change, and it is NOT your responsibility to make you change their beliefs. It just makes them dig their heels in more.
Please remember to be kind to one another. Offer trust and shelter and support. This is NOT the time to be divisive and unreasonably angry. Your anger and fear are absolutely justified, but do not let it drive your actions and decisions, and absolutely DO NOT allow it to put someone in an exclusion zone because you think it's safer for yourself and them. It's not.
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