is tumblr used as much anymore? it should be
i've spent months vacillating on something i don't feel i'm even at liberty to fully talk about. i could, but a part of me feels this instinct to keep details to myself. so i'll just say this, if i make my presence in your life thoroughly known, if i let my guards down to allow you in, to give to you, nurture you, create space for you to perceive life in a different way, reassure, give constant support, provide an entirely different view to reality, please respect that. because it is a gift. you are fortunate to receive it. i am selective, with good reason. i have had a gritty, dark, sometimes unbelievable history with betrayal, with shitty so-deemed-friends of high school days perpetuating stereotypes, false stories, false narratives, active insults, i've been in more domestically-violent spaces than i can probably count or recount. it's not a victim complex, i've just seen life in a way that's sometimes pretty appalling, or not so much life as just allowing others in. and the truth is, i let my red flags roll out, i let my instincts wane when i notice behavioral patterns, because i do feel i'm there at times to heal and help and illuminate. it's a part of a path that i walk. i didn't necessarily choose it, it didn't necessarily choose me, it's just naturalized, and i walk it, good or bad, content or disappointed, or something between the two.
i gave you a lot. i gave you security. i gave you faith in yourself. you repaid that in a way that wasn't repaying me at all. i know there's a monitoring element. that's all i feel secure to really say at this particular time, but if i ask you to show up, if i ask for communication, if i ask for you to acknowledge your faulty decision making that left me in a confused rubble pile of trauma sludge and bewilderment, a place i've been too many times at this rate, take ownership of that, avoidant tendency or not. capitalize on the fact that that opportunity may not find you again. and that arrogance with me is not the way of the game. i'm not delusional, i'm of sound mind, i perceive things in a way that is worthwhile to be on the fortunate side of. not in a big-headed, looking down on, overly grandiose way, but realistically, when i say, tell me. when i say, please have the decency and courage and dignity to stand up and take ownership of that, taking that for granted is a linear road to failing a test. and failing a test that can ensure you never have an opportunity to even cross paths again. i don't care if that's perceived as threatening, when i cut out a cancer, it stays out. because i can't afford to change every wounded thing, and help it/them help themselves/itself. i can't associate the values of something animate and compassionate and healed with something or one that isn't showing up that way, that is determined to meander aimlessly around shit habits, toxic lifestyle, outside opinions. if you don't want your head bitten off, don't stick it beneath a revved-up lawn-mower that you intentionally or subconsciously fearing/avoidant started, metaphorically.
it's july 23rd, 2024 and i feel a profound sense of disappointment. not in my life, not in how far i've become despite the circumstances. not in the challenges i'm still deciding to face, even yes if imperfectly, that's fine. at least my laces are on and i'm trying each day, and sometimes, finding profound, meditative resolve in that. i'm telling you, not asking you, if you want a place in my life, you need to act while i'm asking, not months later, not years later, not when everything is together, composed, prepared to solicit some sort of deal to express the guilt, to express the shame, to express the apology. and if you aren't intending on doing any of those things, drowning in influences, drowning in your own ego and predilection for sampling the pot, i am a table set and waiting for none. i am a candle that is lit for me, and with your inaction, that candle representing you, representing the lack of effort, representing an inability to communicate anything at all, it's set to potentially be smoke. it's set to take on the form of dull, gray, floating, emptying smoke without the words to keep it alight. at least, that's what it's capable of becoming. that's what you're on a path to becoming in my eyes. and maybe you perceive that as easy when you don't feel worthy or capable enough, when what you present doesn't match up to the wounds i can glance but others can't, that others may exploit, that you let them do, unconscious to all of it, or conscious of it but uncaring, because the real flame is scary. my flame is dangerous to you, you want to keep it safe, you obsess, you don't want it to catch on anything and drift from your side. you want to merge your flame near mine, but in not doing so, you're just behaving like a candle-holder. a cylinder of steel. and not as a sign of strength. not as one of virtue. not as one of interest. so yes, i'm disappointed in what you're choosing to do.
work behind the scenes, an effort to change, matters in context and with context. if you aren't providing it, all you've created is a veil. all you've really instilled is that work potentially going to waste. i know i'm meant to be patient, expectant of better, expectant of what i deserve, but nothing will deter me from the road i know i am on, so don't take that fact for granted. don't waste any more of the time that i have freely allowed, entirely patiently or not. i don't want to wait until the fall. i don't want to wait until i've forgotten for the most part what drew me in to that flame before. because when you aren't cultivating something, when you aren't actively providing even a fraction of what has been asked for, you risk that energy walking away, like a self-fulfilling prophecy of the too-good-to-be-true, the-good-ones-leave philosophy that doesn't apply to me, that you've only prescribed to justify your own ego, your own avoidance, your own wounds, your own inability to trust that what you've asked for, wished on, prayed to experience, dreamed for a lifetime of knowing, is actually right in front of you. independent together. flames in the body of a world that doesn't always acknowledge them. growing together, growing apart, growing not only for the sake of growth. i am asking to step up and be that. i am telling you this is your time. and i fear i am close to not being able to say that.
i fear that i am close to accepting.
i fear that i am close to carrying walls with me, to protect a flame that hasn't been loved.
