#length obsessed

I notice that many of my favourite naturals online have always had long hair--whether their hair was long before their first relaxer or even long in its relaxed state (ie. past their shoulders). So they already knew transitioning that they had the potential to have long hair. Well, I don't know that. Before my first relaxer (I was around seven) my hair wasn't long. And while relaxed I couldn't get past shoulder length. I feel like I'm going in blind--no knowledge of my natural hair texture or length potential. This is usually where my hair envy comes from: knowing that even with chemical and heat damage people can still have hair that's stronger and healthier than mine! Argh. Which makes it all that more important that I keep up with safe hair products and practices to eliminate any potential damage. Growing long hair really was the main factor in my transition in the first place, but I can't even be sure that it's going to happen.

I so desperately want to have a huge, kinky afro to call my own! Every day I frequent hair blogs and tumblrs, reading regimens and journeys and saving picture after picture of girls who could be my hair twin. I've had about a year of natural growth and I know some of those lengthy blowouts take three years or more.

I haven't worn my real hair out in a style in four years, and I really don't know how to care for it. I got perms up until December 2010 for the sole reason of blending my real hair into my weave to cover the tracks. It was early last year that I decided there was no point in damaging all of my hair just so I could style the crown. So I continued (and still continue) to wear weaves but without leaving my bangs out for further heat damage. I'd watched my sister do this and grow shoulder-length natural hair in two years. 

While I want long tresses, I'm still inspired by and envious of girls with their TWAs. There's a distinct confidence and charm that I see with bald girls or girls with short hair that I wish I had. What I'm doing--hiding my hair beneath weaves and braids--is sort of cowardice, I must admit. I'm not so much doing it for the protective styling (weave as a protective style is even debatable) as much as I am doing it to kill time. Because I need time for my hair to grow however many fractions of an inch each month if I want it to reach my shoulders. And I know that's bad. The point of natural hair is not only to embrace your natural texture, but also find beauty in all things related to your hair--including its length!

I think this relates to the real reason I even decided to be natural: I wanted to prove people wrong. I was tired of people saying black/African/Nigerian girls cannot have long hair. I would point out examples of girls who denied this stereotype, but since I myself had short, damaged hair and incessantly wore weaves, my points were moot. Well you don't, they say. So it became a combination of wanting to be a walking example of a black girl with long hair, seeing my sister's hair growth, and always having a love for curly/kinky hair and large afros that drove me to the natural community.

Do I feel like a fraud? Well, sometimes. I'm past transitioning so what excuse do I have not to free my hair? But ultimately, I think I want to feel comfortable. I don't have any specific hair goals in terms of length. I just want healthy, soft hair and I'm hoping that as I learn to care for it, I too will someday have a huge, kinky afro to call my own.