#lene journal

I’ve noticed more as I don’t hear what people say and when it happens as I usually have a great hearing.

I’ve noticed that it happens when there’s some kind of background noise/we are out in public. Like I’m kind of filtering other noise out, and in the past I was really good at filtering background noise out. But now? I’m terrible at it and I feel so bad whenever friends tell me what bad hearing I have when it’s simply that I have a hard time filtering out all the other buzzing noises around. Lene talks to quiet, Lene talks too loud, Lene never listens, Lene has bad hearing, Lene is so quiet, Lene is way too loud, Lene is so calm, Lene is so unstable, Lene is so this so that I’m so tired of it all. I feel so misunderstood by practically everyone this past year.

Sometimes it’s better to like throw out a miserable tweet or paragraph here than do the stupid things I tend to fall back into, like now. Grr I need someone to take my brain out and my whole nervous system and like shake it really hard, reboot it and put it back in. Maybe that would help.

These memes are so me when I’m at the lowest which means late night rants in my car alone screaming and crying and not really knowing where I am, like sincerely losing sense of reality. Sometimes I video myself just to ground myself. And have evidence that I too do crash out at times. Just automatically hold back a lot w others because being vulnerable is hard and that’s probably why I post stuff like this as like a half cry for help, half I-just-need-to-get-it-out-of-my-head post. I so sincerely wish I could just stop having this stupid illness and the annoying issues I have because of it and the annoying nightmares that has made me breathe really hard more and more often, and I wake up with this intense pain in my chest from breathing too hard and the dreams are so painful. I have no clue how to make them go away as all I’ve been offered by professionals is sleeping meds that are highly addictive and will make me feel foggy for half the day every day if I start on them.

My friends love me, my family loves me, even got a reminder today that my coworkers miss me so incredibly that they told my mom (my coworker met her at the store) “YOU HAVE TO TELL LENE WE MISS HER SO MUCH! She makes such a positive impact at work and sure the kids miss her too, but WE MISS HER SO MUCH!” And a bunch of more kind words from them. My best friend telling me how important I am to him, and to please say it if there’s anything he can do to help.

I am this loved and still. STILL, there is this heavy, choking feeling in me. Makes my inside vibrate, makes my head heavy, makes me feel the contours of my brain, makes me feel the bones in my body.

The feeling is red, green and black.

My eyelids are so heavy and I cannot fall asleep. My body won’t stop cracking. Every position is uncomfortable. I want to be at my bubbliest again. Yet every interaction right now I feel like I am a burden, more like a heavy shadow than anything else. Looming, spreading disease.

I’m having more than emotional flashbacks lately. I’m twelve, maybe thirteen. And I almost got away.

The thing is I am not insecure. I am pretty, I don’t have any problem regarding my looks or body. I am bubbly and a great yapper. I am creative and quick witted with replies and jokes. I love flirting, sex, loud music and alcohol.

I don’t feel like myself right now. I haven’t since early December.

Feels like I have bugs in my bones. I feel rotten, decaying. I hate that thing that has haunted me since I was four, maybe three. It sounds so dumb, so cringe. But there is this creature that wishes me harm and it tortures me. Hunting me like prey, and no matter what I do it has the upper hand. Like an endless maze I have tried to get rid of it but it keeps coming back and I am so exhausted. It hides in shadows, and in plain sight. I can’t exactly see it but I feel it’s present, and I can see it ever so slightly in my loved ones, friends, family. I know it isn’t real. I wish it would stop.