#lemonpurp

I just don’t know what Im am going to do. Naguguluhan na ako sa lahat ng bagay. Ano ba talaga ang silbi ng buhay ko sa mundong ‘to?

Recently, I seemed like the only emotions I am capable are fear, anxiety, sadness, loneliness and despair. Nevertheless, I would still fake my smile everyday to try to hide the pain I am feeling. I would force myself to leave the house every morning and drag myself to everyone else that I look fine, normal and happy. Someone’s dragging me to hell and I feel like I am not a human anymore. What a devastating year 2015.

Yung nanaginip ako sa pag-idlip ko, sumakay ako ng jeep pa-Buendia at nakababa sa isang masikip na kalye at napakaraming tao. Hindi ko alam kung planado ito pero nagkita kami sa EDSA Guadalupe. (Bakit dun pa!?) Napalingon lang ako sa iba ng saglit. Pagbalik ko ng tingin sakanya, nakalabas na lahat ng gamit ko sa bag at hawak ang diary ko. Parang nabasa niya ang katotohan at kung sino ba talaga ako.. You know, the truth made him in shocked. I saw it in his face. After that, Iniwan niya nalang ako ng hindi ako kinausap at sumakay siya ng bus pa-south. Jethro, I know you’re going to leave me soon. ALAM KO. IIWAN MO DIN AKO. I maybe call this a bad dream, a sign to let you go na, a sign that I should stay away from you and a sign that we should end what we’ve had. But then I think I fell in love with you na. I don’t know if this is a real love or just a science of attraction because we’re attached with no feelings at all. Oh, he fucking love Physics and all about science. I also love that when I was in HS back then. You're smart. You are hella smart. Gahd. Graduated in Pisay and Ateneo? Well, I like guys who is smart pero hindi ka naman nerdy look pero okay nadin lol. I was really happy spending time with you talking about our interests, our past and witty experiences, music, arts and sciences. I found you more cool and nice with that. Plus the arguments we had together with some fucking strangers, I honestly got jealous when you asked me and tried to talk to other ladies though I don’t have a right and I’ll just say.. “No, it’s okay.” “Im alright, okay lang ano ka ba?” The drunk nights we spent. The great nights we had. I went crazy okay, fuck that. But then, there’s a big lie. Some people asked or will say.. “Are you guys together?” “Are you dating?” “You look like a swee couple.” “Uy, lovebirds ohh!” etc. and we’ll reply to those shit questions, “No.” “Naaahhh.” “We’re not dating.” “We’re just friends.” At first, it was really nothing to me eh. As in wala. I don’t care at all pero.. Tangina Princess heto ka na naman. Hindi ka na ba natauhan!? Wala sa lugar ang nangyayari satin. “Walang tayo” dahil wala naman talaga. Isa lang naman ang intensyon natin sa isa’t isa. Pero bakit ganito na naman ako. Okay, ako na ang nahulog sa patibong. Ako na ang talo sa larong ‘to. Im like hurting myself again. This is not the first time. Actually, paulit-ulit eh. Nakita mo nadin ako umiyak one time dahil may naalala ako sa nakaraan. At ngayon parang yung nakaraan dala ko padin sa hinaharap. Parang niyakap ko na talaga ang pagiging tanga of the century ‘no? (Martir ka Princess!) Ngayon, ang gulo ng isip ko. Kasing gulo ng buhok ko na hindi sinusuklay ng ilang araw. I actually seeing myself again back in the past. Nakakulong padin ako. Hindi pa pala ako malaya sa nakaraan ko. Akala ko lang pala. Gusto ko na magising sa panaginip ng nakaraan. Pero anong kaputahan naman ang nangyayari sakin ngayon? Ubos na ako. Ubos na ubos na. Kahit siguro patay na akp yung kaluluwa ko, nakakulong padin sa nakaraan. Living like an invisible to everyone but Im a happiest person in the world when Im with you. This is how I see my life right now. Not living for myself but for whom.

08/27/15

Eliza Engellenner

He is Dr. Antonio, 60, a college professor from Marikina Polytechnic College. I can't remember his last name. Nakaka-inspire lang yung mga sinabi niya sa akin. Mga words of wisdom niya, advantages and disadvantages of being a teacher and so on. He also offered me to apply at their university when I finish my bachelor's degree. He found out that Im taking up MAPEH as my major. Nabanggit niya na kailangan nila ng PE teachers. While having a conversation with him, he kept also on saying.. "Mag-aral ka ng mabuti." Ang kulit lang. Pero totoo naman yung sinasabi niya, Marami nang mga retired teachers nowadays at mahirap ma-adopt ang modern technology to apply in teacher's instruction tool for the learners. And then, sasabihin na naman niya yung.. Mag-aral ka ng mabuti." until I have to say nice meeting him at magpa-alam sakanya kasi kailangan ko na bumaba ng train. I hope to you see you again someday Dr. Antonio! :)

Too many ones have come along, Some drifting, some unaware, some with some kind of hold. And you have loved me for so long beneath a borken reverie, a sill made out of stone. And though I never moved, succumbed to your embrace, still you went on without a trace. There'll always be that someone else who'll love me once again.