#lee anders

I’m Losing My Mind

           Did I remember to get milk? The hyena shifted his weight from one leg to the other, trying to concentrate on his thoughts on the one burning question. The chattering of dozens of patrons behind him, in front of him, and all around him blocked out any sane thoughts that filled the void between his ears. Lemme see, coffee creamer; check, cottage cheese; check…Milk – Again the thought was whisked away, this time, it rode on the sound of a hollow beep from the cashier’s scanner. It was just a beep, the same uneven rhythm that ticked down his mortal existence in this god forsaken, over crowded store. How could it rob him of all of his thoughts so easily? Got the cheddar cheese and the crackers for Ashley’s snacks, what about the milk? Lee looked over at the pile of bags in his cart, his teal eyes traced over each contour of every mound for the milk and then…

           “Did you find everything alright, sir?” The warm voice pulled him away from his search.

           The hyena looked across the conveyor belt to the young otter girl slipping the pack of pull-ups into a bag, along with some other bathroom items Lee purchased. He stared blankly at her for a long second as if he’d just been awakened from a nap.

           “Milk,” Lee’s lips mimed and the otter girl leaned closer as if to hear.

           “I’m sorry?” She spoke, her pretty features and young age made Lee suddenly very aware of his own age.

           Thirty-six, wasn’t old enough to be so forgetful. It also meant he wasn’t young enough to stand there like a deer in the headlights at such a simple question. I really can’t leave without the milk, was the only thought that ran through his head. Through the haze in his mind, he could see the otter’s face shift to something more sympathetic, as if he were pitiful? The look was a warm smile that was meant to smooth the next thing that came out of her mouth.

           “I’m flattered, sir, but I’m already dating someone.” There was a lilt in her tone, one that teased but also warned the older hyena that there was no way in hell he stood a chance.

           “What? Oh no, I’m married. I was just wondering if I…”

           “Listen chubs, you need to get a move on,” The large elephant grumbled from behind him. She gave Lee a nudge with her cart. “You wanna play Casanova? Do it on your own time, I got stuff I gotta do today.”

           “Excuse me?” A low tone ringing filled the hyena’s ears making his own words sound muted. “I just…”

           “$127.36 is your total, sir.” The otter giggled and adjusted the name tag clipped to the strap of her brown apron.

           “Right,” Lee felt a fire come to his cheeks as he quickly fished out his wallet. “Thanks…Ann.” He read the tag and swiped his silver card through the machine.

           “Sure thing…” Her small hand welcomed the long receipt that rolled out into her fingers. “Thanks for coming, Lee.”

           Lee nodded and took the receipt. She gave him a warm smile. It was the type of smile a young person gave an elderly person, when they said something that wasn’t particularly funny. The hyena pocketed the receipt and started away with the cart. He could hear the elephant behind him say something admonishing about him wasting her time. It sent fire through him…but it wasn’t hot enough to ignite the refuse bin in his tired soul. Instead, he hurried through the automatic door and into the parking lot.

           “Daddy!” An all too familiar voice called to him from across the parking lot.

           The sound was enough to cool the fire in his face the moment he heard it. Ashley fought against her mother’s hand as she tried to escape. The white Pitbull had a firm hand on her, though.  Still, the half hyena, half Pitbull girl fought as ferociously as any caged tiger would, to the point that she almost pulled her mother clean off of her feet. Lee chuckled and hurried to meet with them.

           “Hey, babe.” Her cadence was as warm as her smile. “How did it go?”

           “Daddy!”

           “Oh,” Lee thought for a moment about everything going on in the store but it all vanished on the warm summer breeze. Everything plaguing him from before was cemented as a bad memory that didn’t warrant a second thought, at least not for now.

           “Daddy!”

“It went fine, just fine, Ellie.” His voice sounded displaced.

           “Daddy! Daddy!”

The smiled drifted away from the Pitbull’s face. “We’ll talk about it later then, hon.” She offered.

           “Daaaad!”            “It’s nothing, really.”

           “Alright…” Ellie looked skeptical but thought it easier to just let it go.

           “Dad! Dad! Dad!”

           “What, Ashley? I’m talking to your mother,” Lee’s voice struck sharper than he wanted it to. His angular eyebrows softened in the next instant, when the guilt slipped in. It added to the pile of refuse that already existed in his gut.

           The little girl didn’t even seem to care about her dad’s impatience, she just went right one talking. “Did you get me a toy?”

           Lee felt a hot flush come to his cheeks at the question. He popped the trunk of his old, beat up car with the expired plates. It was just another something that unintentionally got pushed to the bottom of the priority list or maybe just pushed to the back of his mind. It had long since become a few more pounds of guilty refuse that weighed him down.

Lee’s chest grew heavier as he fought to load the bags into the trunk. Each bag compressed his chest a little more. He took a deep breath against the heavy weight but it didn’t help.

           “Daddy, did you get me something?”

           “NO! I just got groceries.” Lee snapped again and immediately felt guilty for it.

           For some reason, the question cut deep. It was such a simple question, one that came before, during, and after every shopping trip they’d ever gone on. That’s why Ellie offered to keep Ashely back at the car, while Lee did the shopping. It was the only way he could managed to have a clear thought, so he didn’t forget anything…

           “I…forgot the milk.” Lee sighed.

           It was such a small thing but it felt like the weight of the world settling on his shoulders, crushing the breath from his lungs. The hyena hung his head and pushed his glasses up, so he could rub his eyes, trying to sooth the headache that was starting to prick deep in his skulls.

           “What the hell is the matter with me?” Lee felt a lump forming in his throat.

           A warm hand settled on his back and an even warmer voice teased the crest of his round ear. “It’s alright, love. We’ve got enough to get us through until Friday. Let’s get home.”

           Lee looked up at her through his blurred vision and found his smile again. “Sound good, thanks for understanding, honey.”

           Ellie nodded and scooped up Ashley to wrestle her into the back seat. Lee adjusted his glasses on his muzzle and turned to his task of putting the rest of the bags in the car.

           Something orange flashed bright against the sunlight and slapped against the side of his face. It wasn’t heavy but it startled him enough to hip bump the cart. With one hand he scrambled to snack its handle before it had a chance to roll away with the other, he thrashed around and pulled the thing from his face. He glared at the black text scrawled across the page. Singing competition, auditions, prize money, $100,000. It was such a jumble of words that he had to read it again. Each word pulled Lee’s mind into a wonderland of a time when he was much younger and less emotionally downtrodden than he was now. 

***

Lee was on a stage, the bright lights shown down on him. They were so impossibly hot that they prickled his flesh with sweat underneath the blanket of yellow fur. The faceless crowd spread out before him, cheering. He clenched a microphone in his hand. It was like a lit stick of dynamite threatening to go off at any moment and he was a powder keg with a plan of burning down the house.

“I love you so much, you see, you’re even in my dream, I can hear you…baby, I can hear you calling me. I’m so in love with you. All I ever want to do is, thank you baby…thank you baby. You’ve made me…”

***

Lee crumpled the piece of paper up and tossed it on the ground. “Who has time for this?” The hyena shoved another bag into the trunk.

“Sir?” A soft and familiar voice came from behind him. “Lee, you dropped something.”

The hyena looked up and saw the otter girl, Ann, holding out the crumpled orange piece of paper out to him. He looked at the wad of paper, following it up her arm to the warm smile on her broad muzzle. Lee was once again made very aware of his age.

“Thank you,” His words clung to the dry feeling in his mouth. “I’m so clumsy, I’m always dropping things.” Lee quickly took the balled up paper and shoved it in his pocket just as quickly.

“You also forgot your milk, silly.” Ann giggled and held out the jug to him. “I’m sorry it took me so long to get it to you but Agnes was having one of her ‘above everyone else’ kinda day.”

Lee face brightened up as he looked at the milk. A stunned smile slipped to his lips as if someone just handed him a check for $100,000 dollars. “Oh my god, I…”

“You got the milk.” Ann giggled before starting back towards the store. “Take care, Lee and we’ll see you next time.”

As quickly as she appeared, the otter girl retreated. His gaze followed the younger girl across the parking lot as if she were the shining light of heaven itself. Lee held the milk close to him as if it were the most precious thing he’d ever held in his life. It was such a simple thing but a victory nevertheless. At least to Lee it felt that way.

“Ahem,”

Lee turned to see Ellie leaning on the roof of the car. The throat clearing was meant for him but her gaze also followed the younger otter girl.

“I did remember the milk after all.” There was a childish excitement in Lee’s voice.

“That’s…good, hon.” She spared a glance at him before looking back at the girl.

Still enamored by his success of remembering the milk, he missed the desperate frown on his wife’s face. He missed the helpless arch of her eyebrows and sad look that filled her eyes as she watched the otter walk away. Lee just held the jug aloft as if it was the head of Medusa and he was the one to sever it from her shoulders.

Lee nestled the jug amidst the bags in the truck as if it were a rare bird’s egg before closing the truck. He rounded the car and climbed in in. Ellie settled into her seat, buckling up. She looked over at him with the same sad question in her eyes.

Lee wasn’t stupid but he also wasn’t the most intuitive when it came to reading people. His excitement over remembering the milk or perhaps the fact that he wasn’t losing his mind after all only made it harder for him to read Ellie’s current mood. It led to several fights between them in the past and though they were always quick to recover and move on, it still happened and would happen again.

“I’m fine, really I am. Better now, in fact.” Lee tried to reassure her but not for the thing she needed the reassuring over.