#learning lession

I have this fairly new love for makeup and what it can do to a person's face and appearance. My first experiences with makeup were not for good reasons: I had just gotten out of an unhealthy relationship and my self-esteem was shot. Nothing about me felt pretty or worth treating well. But thank god for my friends - they are probably the only reason I made it out of that depression unharmed.

One of my best friends (while I was living with her during that following winter break) to me that I had to find a new hobby or try something new: Which led to us watching endless YouTube tutorials on makeup and us going into Duane Read one day and spending over 100 bucks on our first set of foundation,  mascara, concealer you know…the works. 

I felt like a brand new person, it was amazing ! As sophomore year ended and we went into junior year, I ended up sticking with it . Makeup had become something I was just honestly interested in. I got better at highlighting and contouring my face, figuring out which style of false lashes looked better on my face and everything in between.  

Even though I still don't consider my self a makeup expert, I have come a long way from January sophomore year.

But now , makeup and me aren't on that same honest page we grew into. Now it has become a crutch for me to hide imperfections on my face and crazy hyper pigmentation that most black and brown girls suffer from.

I feel ugly when I don't have on my staple Mac Pro-Long Wear foundation on or when I didn't have time to pick up my favorite wispy  Ardell lashes. Somehow it has gotten back to the reason why I picked up that formula foundation in the first place - which is beyond an unhealthy place.

I like makeup - for the right reason… I just need those reasons to be the only reasons why I used it currently. The problem is, how do I get there?

Not all the time will I have the answers for myself… but the goal is to acknowledge problems.. .and take the time to treat myself well. I used to beat myself up when I'd become broke… but the point is not to wallow in that, but to say "its ok to be broken", and take your time and put yourself back together again..

So in that process ,I'm going to try and rearrange some pieces to create a stronger foundation ….

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This past Friday (9/16/16) was so unexpectedly hard. I didn't go through any major trial, or receive horrible news. No, it was just that everything that could go wrong… did. I promised myself that whenever I started this blog, that I won't pretend that everything is ok. That I'd be honest when life's rough or when I can't handle things.

I read some many blogs and half of them paint this picture : 

"I had a rough time in my 20's, then found the best love of my life. Now I own a really expensive camera that takes great pictures- So I am going to take pictures of my vegan breakfast and my awesome spouse and show off my super trendy loft apartment in the city."

So begins my honesty. Friday was the first day at my internship and I was beyond excited. I got up on time , did my makeup to the T , and had my clothes pressed and prepared from the night before. I went to bed on time, had my route completely mapped out and made and packed my lunch. The first wave of frustration came when my campus shuttle to the train was late. IT IS ALWAYS LATE. And what was even more frustrating was that it was the same driver that is always making the shuttle run late to places. Once I got the train station, (which the night before I had already looked up what time my train was coming) I bought my ticket and then got on the train that came at the time I had researched. HOWEVER, the train I got on (despite it being the correct time I looked up that morning and the night before) dropped me off somewhere in Queens and I had no way of getting to destination train station or back to the original station I came from.

 I ended up taking the subway to an alternative part of the city, and found that the 2nd shuttle I need to catch ( the one that will take me to my internship site) had multiple pick up stops near me. I went to the nearest pick up stop: By this point I was beyond late, but my lovely boss was more than understanding.  I waited from 9:40 to 10:55 and there was no internship shuttle.

 SO… to re-cap, Late campus shuttle, got lost on the LIRR, used up all extra cash I had, in a random part of Manhattan, stood in the same stop for an hour, and no internship shuttle. Great.

I called my mom so she can help me figure out what to do. She wanted to go to my bank and put money in my  account (since I had my empty debit card one me). I try to sign onto my mobile bank app to try and get my account number .. Just to get locked out of my account because of too many wrong tries.. Now I am happy my bank takes security seriously.. BUT THEN WAS NOT THE TIME.

 By the end of it all, my awesome boss and his assistant sent a car for me (since the shuttle never came) and my time at my internship was beyond amazing.

But the time before that was hard. I am not sure why but I couldn't handle any of it. I couldn't deal with getting lost: I nearly broke down while in Queens. I almost threw my phone when I got locked out of my online banking.

 Frustration comes in so many different forms and you'd be surprised at what can make us feel that enough is enough. Timing could be off or too many things can be happening to often. I made sure that I meditated later on that night ; I made sure I prayed for guidance and patience. I made sure to love myself afterwards and remind myself that it was ok to freak out. Coping with frustration was never my strong point but I am a work in progress … we all are