a lonely tree on the shores of eternity
i'm not good at goodbye.
besides big goodbyes like airport hugs and midnight kisses,
i suck at saying "be right back" or "i'm busy now."
i think it's because i never want to feel set aside.
and in doing that i just set you aside.
you're there, but i'll ignore you.
i hope you know that its not malicious.
i dont mean to hurt and wound with each silence, to attack with each pause in conversation.
i really do love you.
i love every word that comes out of your mouth or appears on my screen.
every thought and idea - every sentence and phrase - syllable and letter.
i cherish them all like tiny seashells found on the beach.
if i press them close, i just faintly hear you whispering from 7000 miles away.
i'm still not used to you not being here.
before, i could sit in silence with you forever.
matching each other's breathing - feeling your skin beneath my fingertips.
there was nothing that needed to be said because we could feel it.
and now i'm too far away for that to be the case.
everything needs to be expressed.
feelings become words and that touch must be transferred through the phone.
we can't speak telepathically anymore.
theres no formula for success when it comes to distance.
it's survival of the fittest.
and elyse, you and i are the fittest pair that i have ever seen.
we're young but old,
seriously fun,
similarly different.
we need each other like the way humans need trees.
i breath in, you breath out - and vice versa.
more than anything - i need you.
I wouldn't stay sane or safe without you.
you're my lighthouse - a guiding beacon showing me the way home.
you're my strength - knowing i have to get out of bed even though i dont want to.
when i see eternity - a bundle of time and space looping around itself and crisscrossed in myriad ways like the 405/101 interchange - all i want is you in the passenger seat, shouting directions over a stereo turned too loud and loving me even when i take a wrong turn and lead us astray.
i won't lose you.
just as i would never change my skew ears so my glasses sit straight, i would never give up on us.
so much of my identity is wrapped up in who i am with you.
to strip that layer would be like eating my ice cream that ended up on the floor - i could do it, but why would i want to?
i'm better with you - happier too.
and i hope you know that i couldn't have a more perfect life.
i love you - forever.
- j.z.s.
