#latenightmixedthoughts

I miss knowing who my super close friends are, knowing who I can hang with, who I can talk to about different things at the times I need someone other than my family; I just miss knowing who my real friends are. But then again, sometimes.. I feel as though being homeschooled my whole life, I never really had a legit experience with friendships because I didn’t have to deal with my friends on a daily basis because of going to school with them. That just wasn’t the case for me - I was homeschooled. Don’t get me wrong, homeschooling wasn’t terribly horrible - most of the time. Being homeschooled you get to be with your family a lot; and I love my family. It’s just my dad, my mom, my older brother, and me. Which that being said, is both a good and kinda annoying thing... But family is family. You gotta love ‘em. Then, if you think doing homework is hard because you’re in the comfort of your home and all you want to do is lounge around, try doing that not just at night when you get home, try doing it every single day. Having the discipline to get the work done; it’s ridiculously hard. And as most people know, being homeschooled you have an extremely flexible schedule. Too flexible sometimes. It had its pros and cons just like any situation in life.  Although, if I were the one who had the choice back then when I was younger, I would’ve gone to regular school. Particularly the private school that my home church runs. I literally have grown up at my church, and because of my church being probably the biggest Baptist church on Guam, with a good amount of homeschooling families in the congregation, they allow homeschoolers to join in on extra curricular activities at the school. So, I joined as many extra curricular activities as I could just so I could try to get a close enough experience to what it was like, to be in my eyes, a normal kid. Looking back, I do wish it was different for me back then. That was the situation God knew was best for me, and He did help make me to be thankful for where he put me in life at the time. I’m just wondering if that’s the lesson He’s still teaching me, and wanting me to really get. Because quite honestly, my life right now is mentally hard for me to deal with on my own. I get so depressed sometimes that I just want to quit. I want to give up on everything, and just not give a care in the world. I doubt that that’s how God wants my attitude to be in my circumstance though.. So I’m just asking Him to give me a better attitude, to help me look to Him and not look at the circumstance I’m in. I need to look to Him, and only Him for my source of strength and wisdom in all I do. Because different things in my circumstance right now are attacking my heart - my spirit. The only way I can properly try living the way I need to is by following His instruction:

“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” 

Proverbs 4:23