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i do want to get close to people. deep down i just want someone to be close to me, be mine in a platonic sense. but the pain of losing it all, all of a sudden, is something i don't ever want to experience ever again. it plummeled me into one of the deepest, darkest pits i've ever been in my life. lashing out, and acting out of my mind, lying and deceiving, and finally losing myself. it hurt me so much.
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when i think i've healed but i've never been brave to socialise without fear since then. when. when i think i've healed but. my heart still beats fast and i sometimes hyperventilate when i see triggers. when i think i've healed but i've never been able to enjoy my past hyperfixations ever again
i don't know exactly what's it called. aftershocks???? ???? from the 3 incidents that still remain to this day
1. breathing loudly/heavily - sometimes both - occupied with a feeling of spike in the chest when seeing a piece of media that instantly reminds me of the people involved, the incident(s) itself or what i did
2. checking discord with hopes that one of them would text me back?
3. thinking about said incidents
4. nightmares every once in a while, some very intense with that same feeling of immense guilt
5. i can't remember what happened in most of the incidents. compared to back then i remembered every single word but it looks like a jigsaw puzzle with several missing pieces now. time wasn't linear for me back then
6. being unable to enjoy jojos (which is why i suddenly dropped jojos) because there are characters directly associated with people involved
7. a drop in faith
8. a spike in the need to perform self-punishment everytime i do something wrong
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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it's going to be 4 months since then and i don't know how to feel about that
im glad im forgetting about things now but i can't deny that it has forever stunted my chances to be in a social group. if anyone ever brought that up all of a sudden i'd highkey kill myself. i am so not kidding
there are certain songs and characters i cannot enjoy properly anymore because all it does is remind me of the incident
