#ladyonred

I am scared.

I’m not brave enough. I’m afraid of being hurt. I’m afraid I might break my own heart.

I must take care of it, So I can offer it back to my Creator— Whole and as pure as the day He gave it to me.

But I don’t want my heart to turn to stone. I don’t want it to grow numb.

I just want it to feel joy and find peace, To be genuine and calm.

"I'm not ready"

"Let's cut it off"

"I can't be in a relationship"

Demons in my head are whispering,

Silence I gave, so I could clearly think.

Is this really a demon in my head?

Or a reality that I want to make?

A sigh does not mean I'm tired.

It's an act of offering and surrendering myself.

Most especially to the uncontrollable things,

Things that I'm not capable of.

I don't really know what I want, as I honestly whisper to myself back.

I just also don't want to feel obligated and unhappy at the same time.

I just also don't want to demand and make someone uncomfortable.

I think what I want is to just feel the rivers flow naturally,

Just like the sea and deep ocean calms and ragged on their seasons.

I want the wind naturally blows my face and soothe my skin and not a cooling machine that would make me sick afterwards.

Are these things a reality or just a dream and fantasy?

Is this really happening in a real world or it's just what's inside my head?

Please, help me think and clearly see,

Author: ladyonred

I want to take the course where I think I fit in, but I am unable to. I want to go to my dream school, but I am not privilage enough. I want to be in a relationship, but I can't find my soulmate. I want to have it now, but time is not yet right.

A lot of wants and unable to. Unseen graces and incontentment. We are people, we do dream big and work hard, But why things don't go so well?

You forgot one important thing, my dear. It is to offer all of these things to Him. The source of everything, The creator, our Father, Who will give all of these to you.

There's nothing wrong with dreaming big and working hard, But don't forget to pray faithfully to our God. He loves you so much and He knows you more than you know. He gives you the best and sometimes put you on the test.

But don't worry my friend, He keeps His promise to be with you even at test. Remember, that He will not put you to harm, Because He loves you so much and you have a special place on His heart.

The uncertainties you are facing, The heavy load you are carrying, Your wantedness to fix everything, Dark path and lost is what you are feeling.

How could I not communicate properly in my own country? I was born and raised in Metro Manila, specifically. My mom and dad are Waray and Bisaya, but my siblings and I are not fluent in those dialects. However, they occasionally speak those languages, so I am somewhat familiar with them but cannot speak them fluently. I am fluent in Tagalog and English, but I often wish I knew more about the other dialects spoken in the Philippines.

I have traveled to various places for both leisure and church missions, including Davao, Bacolod, Dumaguete, Samar, where people speak Bisaya, Baguio, where people speak Ilonggo, and Pangasinan, where they speak deep Tagalog. Not being able to speak these dialects makes me feel like a foreigner in my own country.

Remember this day, January 18, 2024.

I was just need to pee and went to church.

Realized, that it was Thursday, a public confession day, and a holy hour.

After peeing, I went infront of Ina Poong Bato, where I light my colored candles when I have spare money during sundays. I wasn't able to buy candle, yet I prayed, I cried, I seek for help, called every angel, saints, and souls to pray for me, I tried to listen, I think positive, I keep my faith, I hold on my hope, even though everything seems falling apart seconds by seconds, minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day.

I keep myself standing on the ground surrendering all the people who's in control of our thesis, to be able to finish it on time. As I went home, I got annoyed and doesn't know what to do.

Fabricator is asking for a second chance yet we have no time left and I wasn't able to discern. My mom tried to help me calling her friend for my thesis be consulted to another professional. Yes, it was a help, indeed gave me a lot of idea.

And there's always a but.

But can I afford to start again? But do we still have time? But am I able to refund the money from the 1st fabricator? But, but, and buts, but all I can do is to breakout again.

I thought I will only cry at the church because it's quite and no one sees me but the Lord. But again, but...

My eyes showered in tears, the feeling of being hopeless, anxiety attacks, pressured because of limited time, things I could not say, anger and feelings I couldn't express, and all I can do is cry out, loudly, infront of my laptop and my family.

I feel so week and still confused of what to do. I hope right now, whenever you read this again after a week, year, or decades ago, you're alright, smiling again, and able to fight and conquer battles.

This time, this is how I feel:

"I get so weak in the knees. I can hardly speak (I do). I lose all control (control). And something takes over me (takes over me)"

Isang lalaking pinakilala sa akin, reto kung tawagin.

Pinsan kamo ng ate ko sa simbahan, kung san lagi kaming nag kakakwentuhan.

Chinat ako sa messenger na tila nag papahiwatig ng pagka gusto,

Ako naman si "Go with the Flow" at nagreply ng "Hello!"

Sa chat ay masasabing kami'y naging magkaibigan,

Kaya't heto nag kaayaan.

Nagkita kami, sa palengke lang sa syudad para malapit lang sa tahanan.

Hindi alam saan gagala kaya ayon, kumain nalang ng inasal.

Masarap na pagkain at kwentuhan, biglang sabi nya'y punta kami doon sa tambayan,

Condominium daw na tambayan nila ng tropa nya.

Ani ko nama'y hindi ako pwedeng abutin ng dilim dahil tumakas lang ako sa bahay.

Sabi nya'y saglit lamang, at sagot nya na lahat.

Matapos kumain ay bumili pa kami nang snacks upang sa tambayan ay may kainan parin habang nagkekwentuhan.

Pagbaba ng Jeep ako'y nag alinlangan, hindi naman ito isang condominium na ani nya'y tambayan.

Ngunit wala akong imik ako dumiretso sa loob.

Pumasok sa kwarto sabay sabing "Bat tayo nandito? Sabi mo condominium?"

Alanganin ngunit ang sagot ay ganun pa rin, "Dito kami tumatambay ng tropa."

Sa isip isip ko, "baka mga babae ang tropa?"

Alam ko na ang susunod na mangyayari, kaya pala beer ang binili.

Alam ko naman ang dapat kong gawin, iyon ay pangalagaan ang bataan.

Naginom, nagkwentuhan, nagakapan, pero nang magtatanggalan, tigil tayo dyan.

Ani ko'y "sa susunod na lamang, dahil hindi pa naman ito ang huli."

Pero bakit ganon? Totoo ang aking mga nababasa, dahilan nila palagi'y "Di mo ba ako gusto o mahal, sinta?"

Gusto kong sumangayon sa sinabi nya, ngunit inulit ko lamang ang aking sinabi,

"Sa susunod na lamang, dahil hindi pa naman ito ang huli."

At dumating na nga ang oras ng aming paglabas.

Paglabas sa kwarto na tila ba'y walang nangyaring pamimilit.

Lumabas ng kwartong walang pagsisisi at bilib lamang sa sarili.

Marahil kahit anong pilit, nailigtas ang bataan.

Every time na papasok sa isip ko na "gusto ko na kumita ng pera pero di ko magawa", lagi saking pinapaalala ni Lord sa iba't ibang paraan na "'Wag mag madali and there's always a time for everything." Like, ikr naman po pero sana malapit na yung time na yun.

Minsan nakaka-ubos ng pasensya ang maghintay matupad ang mga dasalin natin. Lagi tayong napapatanong ng kelan. Minsan umaabot na tayo sa pagdududa, kung totoo ba talaga sya?

Madalas kapag sobrang positive natin we'll remind ourselves na, "Huwag kang mag duda, kasama sa plano nya to. Tiwala lang. Habaan mo pa pasensya mo, malapit nya na ibigay yan."

Hanggang sa ilang taon na ang umabot pero wala pa rin. Hanggang sa dumating ka na naman ulit sa pagdududa. Hanggang sa madagdagan na ulit ang dasalin mo. Paikot ikot lang at ang tanging paalala, "Magtiwala ka lang."

People might ask me if my prayers we're already answered, I might say, maybe? some of it, but the biggest one, not yet. I've been praying for it for so long, and I ain't stop praying for it until now.

It is because, He gave me things that I am not asking for and suddenly realized na I need it more. That's called a blessing.

At sa totoo lang, hindi ko na sinasama sa dasal ko na humaba pa ang pasensya ko, kasi baka lalo pa nyang patagalin. Haha Pero kidding aside, I still believe that my unanswered prayer will be answered soon because God allowed me to exist up until now and I believe that the only purpose of my prayer is to living a life and giving love.

Maybe our prayers are not yet answered, but let's take time to look at those things na we have but we didn't pray for, and appreciate it. Be grateful for it. Maybe it only needs to be appreciated before God answer you life long prayer.