For him.

Slowly, I’m starting to get confused of how I feel for him. There are times that I hope he’s right beside me but when that time comes awkwardness starts coursing in every vein I have in my body. I don’t know. I was okay around him first. I wasn’t able to see or at least anticipate that this will come.

I remember that conversation we had after eating our dinner in McDonald’s. He told me that oftentimes he feels like I don’t want to be friends with him. Of course, I want to. The thing is, am I starting to want us to be more than just that? Am I starting to avoid physical and eye contact with him because I don’t want him to see the flushed expression on my face whenever that happens? God, this is why I hate myself for being so soft..and weak. I tend to fall in and out of love easily. With things being considered, I know that this uncertainty will lead there..will lead to me falling in love for him.

And I’m starting to feel the pain. Every time I see him with her, a very close friend of his, I feel as though I’m watching a romantic and horrendous movie at the same time. It’s jealousy, I think. I can’t be but I can’t stop it no matter how I stifle it. Every time I see someone’s head leaning on his shoulders, heaven knows how I clench my hands into fists so hard my nails are digging into my palms and how I fight the will I’m dredging up right then and there to take that head away from him. 

Yesterday, I was hoping to God that he’ll chose to sit beside me at the cinema to watch Divergent. I could’ve seen how he reacted. But no, he didn’t. He chose to sit beside her. And it kind of slap me hard on the chest. It feels as though he said “I don’t care about how you feel, or how I make you feel. I don’t care at all.” right into my able ears. 

When someone mentions about the duet we had (Everything Has Changed by Taylor Swift feat. Ed Sheeran), I couldn’t help but look at his face. I don’t know. Maybe his face is some kind of a magnetic force opposite to my eyes that’s why it attracts them wholly. Nobody knew how that song changed that day to me. Nobody knew how happy I felt when our friends told us that we sang it together perfectly, that I am Taylor Swift and he’s Ed Sheeran. And I don’t know if he feels it, too.

I hate hoping. Hoping is bullshit. That’s why I’m trying to pour everything in this letter in hopes that as this ends, the feeling will recede. I’ve stopped writing when I noticed that most of what I write is him..is all about him.