#l.m.s

I recently discovered some things. Things that might or might not be true. For all I know, these things has been kept from me. If they are true, than they've been hidden throughout the past two and a half year now. If they are not, I apologize from the bottom of my heart. 

By the reveal of these deep and dark - and possibly false - secrets, I was hurt and stunned to the point where I was paralyzed. The first thing that went through my mind was to laugh, so that's what I did. I laughed. I laughed for about a minute, but then I realized that this was no joke made by my guardian angel. And so I became paralyzed. I stayed in the same position on my bed, with my legs crossed for about half an hour, before I realized that the reveal of these secrets was not only to affect me, but a person very close to my heart as well. So I dialed her up - through Skype if you must know. I explained her the situation and some where in the midst of it all, I forgot for a second. Forgot that the reveal of all these secrets and double sided coins were a great danger hanging over my head. By the time the call ended and I came to my senses, I did something awful. 

If the dark side really does exist, and if these secrets really are true, then I don't regret - not even for a moment. If all of these double sided coins, and this great danger, really does exist, then I don't regret. The only thing I regret then, is the fact that I never knew. That I was never told and the fact that a person even closer to my heart than the one mentioned earlier, never dared telling me because she was afraid how I might've reacted.

Now, if all of those words spoken by my guardian angel - whom forever will stay unknown - is false, then I regret. I regret never telling you, never informing you. I regret trusting the wrong person. 

But the one thing that I will never regret, no matter what the truth turns out to be, is the fact that I looked out, not just for the ones I love, but for myself.

I know that you never got an explanation and I know how that must hurt. But all I can tell you, is that I'm afraid at the moment. I'm living under a rock. I haven't slept for 14 days now. I'm paranoid. I don't know how to behave amongst people. I'm afraid to be alone at home. I react to even the smallest sound. I feel eyes on me all the times. I turn my head to look over my shoulder every third minute and I can't walk in the dark, without wearing my knife. 

All this. Your pain and confusion. My paranoia and long sleepless nights. It's all because of a pair of words spoken. A secret revealed. A secret so big, that I couldn't carry the burden in my life. It had to go.

If you're wondering if you are the only one being cut off right now, I'll tell you the answer; No, you are not.

You should know that by now and for the rest of a long time, I will only be a mear ghost of what I used to be. I will only be a shadow of conversations and laughter shared. I may be selfish 'cause I did this to protect me, myself and I.

I hope that you will be able to forgive me, but if not; I understand 'cause my actions are unbelievable and unforgettable. 

Not many questions has been answered in this, even though I know that you might have a thousand on your mind.

If you understand what I'm hinting at, what I found out, than please just know, that it should've been spoken and told to me a long damn time ago.