#kyung-jun

Keep your distance

Pairing: Go Kyungjun x Reader (ft. Hyunho) Genre: Drama, Romance, Secret Dating, Jealousy Length: Full-length one-shot

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It started as a secret for safety. Kyungjun had insisted... it was better that no one knew. And honestly, part of you agreed. Being Go Kyungjun’s girlfriend in public came with a target on your back. So you let him keep it in the shadows. But neither of you expected Hyunho to be a problem.

You hadn’t even thought Hyunho liked you like that. But then came the snacks, the way he started showing up early just to walk with you to class, the excuses to sit beside you during lunch. And Kyungjun? He noticed.

He always noticed.

It started subtly. Kyungjun would go quiet when Hyunho was around. His eyes would follow him with a coldness that made your skin prickle. But lately, it was getting worse.

Today, during break, Hyunho had snagged the seat beside you before you could react. He leaned close, whispering some stupid joke in your ear that made you laugh. Kyungjun watched from the other table, jaw clenched, fingers drumming an uneven rhythm on the tabletop.

You shot him a look across the cafeteria — one that said be cool — but he didn’t return it.

When the bell rang, Hyunho offered to carry your books.

"I’m not helpless, you know," you teased.

He grinned. "Doesn’t mean I don’t wanna help."

You rolled your eyes but let him take one of your textbooks. That was a mistake.

Because Kyungjun was waiting for you by the side stairwell.

The moment you stepped into the dim space between classes, he pulled you in roughly by the wrist.

"Ow — Kyungjun, what the hell?"

He slammed the stairwell door shut behind you. "Don’t let him touch you."

Your heart pounded. "It was a book. He was just being nice."

Kyungjun stepped in close. Too close. "You think he doesn’t want more than that? You think he’s not looking at you like he wants to steal you from me?"

You blinked. "Maybe if you didn’t keep me a secret, he wouldn’t even try."

His jaw twitched. You knew that struck a nerve. For a second, he looked away. Then he leaned in again, voice low. "If I could take you everywhere and let everyone see you’re mine, I would. You know that. But that guy? He’s crossing a line."

You stared at him. Angry, breathless, a little turned on by the way he said mine.

"So what do you wanna do? Punch him in front of the whole school? Start a fight and blow our cover?"

Kyungjun didn't answer. Instead, he cupped your face and kissed you. Rough, desperate, all teeth and frustration.

You melted into him. Just like you always did.

When he pulled back, his eyes burned. "If he touches you again, I’m ending it. I don’t care who sees."

The next day, you tried to put some distance between you and Hyunho. But he was persistent. During gym class, he ran beside you during warm-ups. During lunch, he slid into the seat beside you again. You glanced over at Kyungjun.

He didn’t sit with you today.

Your phone buzzed under the table.

Kyungjun: Meet me. Locker hall. Now.

You slipped away five minutes later, making an excuse about the bathroom. Kyungjun was already there, pacing like a caged animal.

"You ignoring me now too?"

You shut the door behind you. "What do you want me to do, Kyungjun? He’s not getting the hint."

He stalked over, grabbing your chin. "Then let me give it to him."

"You said we had to keep this secret. That was your rule."

His hand dropped to your waist, yanking you flush against him. "Maybe I changed my mind."

Your breath hitched. "You serious?"

He kissed you again. This time slower. Deeper. His hand slid under your shirt, fingers gripping your waist like he was afraid you’d disappear.

"Yeah," he murmured against your lips. "I’m done hiding. If Hyunho wants to see who you belong to, I’ll show him."

Your heart slammed against your ribs.

It wasn’t long before someone opened the locker room door and gasped.

"Shit," you whispered.

Kyungjun just smirked, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, then casually reached over and laced your fingers together.

———————————————————————

You heard a knock at your front door. Sitting up from your position on the couch, you went to open it fully knowing who would be at your doorsteps. Him.

You open it without asking who it was, finding him standing there with open wounds on his face. A bloody lip and nose, furrowed eyebrows, and you glance down at his hands suddenly. Specifically his bloody knuckles. You open the door fully now, turning around and already heading to the bathroom. Closing the door behind him, he follows you silently. You’re rummaging through the cabinets knowing what you need to find and he plops himself on the toilet seat, arms hanging loosely between his legs and his face bent downwards, his once gelled back hair hanging messily and shielding his expression. 

You stand in front of him and reach out, gently pulling his chin up. Putting whatever strands of hair that can stay behind his ear away from his face so you can do your work. He lets you clean and bandage his wounds silently. He watches you, but every time you make eye contact with him he glances at the wall. Although, his eyebrows are still furrowed and his eyes seem as if a million different thoughts are passing through them. You toss the garbage in the small trash can when you’re done and go to your room which is next door. 

You don’t know if he will follow you, he might just leave as he sometimes does. This is a daily routine of silently pushing him to confront his feelings, whether he closes the gap between you a bit more and takes a step forward, or hurries out and takes two steps back on the progress you made.

You already knew what happened, leaving school during the midst of it. Being not surprised by his actions, but still finding yourself disappointed. Him and Hyun-Ho were throwing punches after the latter confronted him about his behavior today towards Da-Baum. 

He caught your eyes as you left the crowd of people gathered. You didn’t have to silently convey anything with your expression, he knew you would be disappointed, but that didn’t stop him from fighting him or seeking you out afterwards too.

Your back is facing the door, the T.V. playing a cartoon on low volume. Your eyes are closed but you're not trying to fall asleep, just waiting to hear either the front door close to signal his leave or the bed to dip beside you. It’s the latter, and you feel his presence next to you, but today isn’t a day where he closes the distance between you. There are some days where he allows himself to be embraced by you. But today he stays still on the other side of your queen sized bed, body facing the ceiling and his hands behind his head and eyes closed. He’s trying to appear nonchalant, but you knew he was far from it. You’re turned facing him, just watching. 

“Why do you do the things that you do?” You softly ask. Not in an accusatory way. Or demanding or aggressive. You’re simply curious. Although, over the past few months of slowly getting to know the boy, you were able to piece together some stuff to explain his actions in your head from the little bits of his heart that he’s allowed open to you. 

You didn’t expect an answer, so your eyes widen a bit when you hear his soft reply. Eyes still closed as he surprisingly softly answers back, no hint of his usual aggressiveness.

“I don’t know.” Kyung-Jun replies.

And that’s the only words spoken between the two of you. Watching him till it’s evident by his breathing he’s fallen asleep, and then you follow suit, falling asleep to the growing mumbles of voices from the television. 

When you wake up a few hours later, you’re facing the wall again. The sun has almost completely set. You don’t need to turn around to see if he’s there, because you know he isn’t. But you do so anyway, hoping today would be different. 

Of course it isn’t. You’re naive to think it would be any different than the day before. 

You see that his notorious green jacket is left in place of him on the bed. Something he sometimes does. Like a silent reminder that he’ll be back again. Or that he appreciates you. Or that he’s sorry. Or that he’s not giving up. It could mean everything or nothing, you’re never sure.

And just like the day before, it doesn’t make your love for the boy any less. As each day goes by, you just feel an increasing curiosity for the boy, an urge to look inside him and hold the small crying child inside desperately asking for someone to see through his actions and listen. 

kdrama: night has cone

!!: thoughts are in italics

🫶🏻: lovers to exes, toxic relationships, su!c!de, depressi0n

-

-

“God damnit! I fucking hate you, oh how I wish the mafia would kill you next!” His voice echoed through the hallways and my heart shattered.

“Oh, I’m sorry..” I mumbled as I took few steps back before completely turning around and running away from everyones eyes with tears running from my eyes.

I ran straight to my room and slammed the door shut. I sat on the ground leaning against the door with tears just pouring out of my eyes.

Why did I go back to him. This happens every time.. somehow I can’t get away from him. Why do I let him walk all over me. Why am I so pathetic.

I heard a knock in the door and few voices. I wasn’t sure who was there because of my own sobs blocking my hearing.

- few months back -

“Gosh! y/n you really are so fucking pathetic! Nobody likes you and I only pretend to like you! Like why can’t you just leave me alone or die!” Kyung-Jun spat in my face and I felt terrified.

It wasn’t because of his loud yelling or angry face, it was because he was right. I’m a nobody, nothing. Maybe I shouldn’t live.

- more memories -

“Fuck you!” He yelled and punched me in my face. He had never ever before laid hands on me. This one actually was my fault. I had made an argument about his bullying. I never intended it to start a fight I just wanted to help him.

“I’m sorry.” I said and hid my face.

- back to present -

Of course there was tomes when he was romantic and loving. Like for the time we went to amusement park because I wanted to have a date there and he held my hand in the roller coaster because I was scared.

Or the time when he t up at my door with roses and apologized for the fight from the night before.

“y/n..please open the door.” Now I recognized the voice. It was Yoon-Seo and Jung-Won. “No.” I mumbled thinking they wouldn’t hear me.

I stood up from the floor and walked towards the window. Should I..

Why not, it’s not like he would care. He pretends to card but I know he doesn’t, at least not anymore.

I opened the window and sat down at the window. My legs shivered from the nights cold air. If I do this, I won’t turn like the others. Maybe this would be more peaceful.

“We’re coming in!” Was all I heard with a door opening before pushing myself off with my arms. “Y/N!”

I felt myself falling, It was peaceful. No worries to think about anymore. Just death.

-

“l/n y/n was executed by herself.”

“l/n y/n was a civilian”

-

Kyung-Jun pov

“l/n y/n was executed by herself.”

What the fuck..

“l/n y/n was a civilian”

I got up and walked away from the cafe towards her room. I noticed her door open and walked in to seen that mansa freak and her friend.

“What the fuck did you do to her!” I demanded to know. “N-Nothing!” Yoon-Seo said but I didn’t believe her. “WHAT DID YOU DO TO HER!” I yelled at them and grabbed Yoon-Seos collar. “Stop it!” Her pathetic friend said but I just pushed her away.

“Last chance. What did you do!” I said and shook her but then people cane running our way and peeled me off of her and held me back. “TELL ME YOU WITCH WHAT DID YOU DO TO Y/N!”

“She jumped herself.” The mansa said and went to Yoon-Seo. “No she wouldn’t have!” I said and tried to get out of my classmates grasp around me.

“She did and it’s all your fault.” Mansa continued and shook her head. “You are the ine who always manipulated her to love you and then hur her again. Ahe was a kind soul and a person, you destroyed her. You treated her like shit, like she didn’t matter. You made her think that her life was worthless and that she is worthless. You are the ine who kept complaining about her present and wished how she was dead. THIS is all your fault.!”

“You Go Kyung-Jun are the reason whg she is bow dead.”

-

I had got out of y/ns room and now I’n at the cafe. I locked the doors and sat down on a chair holding my head in my hands. Fucking y/n.

I never really wanted her to die, I just let my emotions out the wring way. If we’re being honest she was the first girl I’ve ever loved. I loved her but I wasn’t good at showing it. Screw it I was terrible at showing it. I was mean to her so she would leave because I knew in the end I wasn’t good enough for her and would end up hurting her.

And now I had done it. I had hurt her so badly that I actually hurt myself too.

-

sorry for the short fic I just wanted to do some angst but not too bad or I’d actually cry.

Kyungjun NSFW Headcanons 🔥👹 ehehehe

Quiet but rlly intense – He doesn’t talk much during sex, but when he does, it’s in short and commanding whispers: “Stay still.” “Look at me.” His voice is low and deep and make you (us) shiver.

Control kink – Kyungjun likes having the upper hand (ofc he does). He won’t say it, but he thrives on the sight of you trembling under him, holding your wrists down or pressing his palm against your throat just enough to remind you who’s in charge.

Anger → sex outlet – After fights, tension, or stress, his horny ass needs release. He’ll push you against the nearest surface and fuck the frustration out of himself. Those are the nights you wake up sore.

Breeding obsession (lowkey) – He pretends he doesn’t care, but when he cums inside, he always groans like it’s the only way he can truly feel satisfied. He loves watching it drip out and pushing it back in with his fingers.

Marking kink – Hickeys, bite marks, scratches, he wants you covered in them. It’s his cute way of claiming you, and if anyone else notices, even better. He's pretty obsessive highkey

Stamina monster – He’s not the type to cum once and be done. Kyungjun will go multiple rounds, taking short breaks, then pulling you back for more until you’re shaking.

Eye contact – He’s intimidating enough normally, but in bed, when his eyes pin you down, it feels like he’s reading every thought in your head. Its like he calculates and learn every little twitch.

Title: Love Like This

kyungjun x y/n word count: under 1 k

warnings: smut no plot just smut :)

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It started slow—a brush of fingers against yours while watching a late-night movie, the kind of barely-there contact that buzzed hotter than any kiss. Kyungjun always looked at you like he was seeing the sunrise for the first time, warm and stunned and trying to memorize it all. But tonight, he looked at you like he might break.

"Come here," he said, voice low, hoarse from holding back. You were already sitting beside him on his bed, legs crossed, hoodie swallowed around your frame—but that wasn't close enough. He pulled you into his lap, his hands warm on your thighs, his lips ghosting over your cheek like he was asking permission without saying it.

And you gave it. All of it.

The kiss started slow, but his grip tightened when you whimpered into his mouth. His hands found your hips, fingers digging in like he needed to anchor himself. You felt his arousal through his sweatpants, hard and hot against your core, and when you shifted your hips just a little, his breath caught.

"You're killing me," he whispered against your lips.

You smiled into the kiss. "Thought you wanted this."

He pulled back just enough to look you in the eye, something dark and desperate flickering there. "I do. I want you so bad I don't know how to touch you right. I want to go slow. But I also want to fuck you so deep you can't think straight."

That sent heat spiraling low in your stomach. You tugged your hoodie off, watching his eyes roam your bare skin like he was starving. His hands moved under your thighs, lifting you with ease to lay you down on his bed. He hovered over you, kissing you breathless, trailing his lips down your jaw, your neck, your chest. Every touch was filled with reverence, like he was mapping you out, worshipping every inch.

"Tell me if it's too much," he murmured, pressing soft kisses between your breasts.

"Kyungjun, I want it," you whispered. "Want you."

That was all it took.

He stripped slowly, revealing smooth skin, toned muscles, the subtle shake in his hands betraying how hard he was trying to stay in control. When he pushed your panties aside and dragged his fingers through your folds, his breath hitched.

"So wet already? For me?"

You nodded, eyes fluttering. "Only for you."

He cursed under his breath and eased two fingers inside you, curling them just right. You moaned, clutching his wrist, hips rolling into the touch. He watched you like it was the only thing that mattered.

When he finally lined himself up and pushed inside, it was slow—but deep. Stretching you open inch by inch, his forehead pressed to yours, both of you gasping.

"Fuck," he moaned. "You feel so good. So warm. So tight."

You cupped his face, pulling him in for a kiss as he started to move. Deep, steady thrusts that made your toes curl. His hand slid under your thigh, lifting your leg to get even deeper, and when he hit that perfect spot, your eyes rolled back.

"There?" he asked, voice wrecked.

"There, yes—please, don't stop."

He didn't. He picked up the pace, his hips slapping against yours with more urgency now. Not rough, but desperate. Like he was chasing something only you could give. Sweat glistened on his chest, his jaw clenched tight, and his name spilled from your lips over and over.

He leaned down, kissed the tear that slipped from your eye.

"Too much?"

"No," you gasped. "Too good."

"Gonna come for me?"

"Y-Yeah—"

"Then let go, baby. I've got you."

You shattered around him, legs trembling, nails digging into his back. And he followed you seconds later, spilling inside you with a strangled moan, holding you like he'd never let go.

After, he didn't pull away. He kissed your temple, your jaw, your lips. Whispered, "You're everything."

Title: The Tie Pairing: Go Kyung-jun x fem!reader Word Count: ~4.3k Genre: Suspense, Enemies to Lovers, Psychological Thriller, Slow Burn Tension Warnings: Suspicion, high-stakes tension, intense eye contact, one bed trope (brief), a hint of blood, mutual manipulation, morally grey behavior, Go Kyung-jun being hot and evil.

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The Tie

“Looks like it’s a tie,” the AI’s voice echoed with mechanical cheer. Go Kyung-jun: 5 votes Y/N L/N: 5 votes

You didn’t flinch.

Not even as your classmates gasped, not even when someone muttered, “Shit,” under their breath.

The only person you looked at—the only person who mattered—was already staring straight at you.

Go Kyung-jun tilted his head, the ghost of a smirk dancing at the edge of his lips.

“You and me, huh?” he said quietly. “What a coincidence.”

It wasn’t a coincidence.

You knew it. He knew it.

This game had twisted far past logic. People voted based on fear now—fear of intelligence, of silence, of who locked eyes with whom for half a second too long. And both of you had made yourselves too dangerous, too untouchable.

Which made you perfect targets.

The AI buzzed again. “Thirty minutes until tiebreaker discussion concludes. Defend your innocence.”

You didn’t sit. Neither did he. You both stood at opposite ends of the room, like chess pieces left in a final endgame.

Someone whispered, “Let them talk.” Another added, “We’ll vote after we hear them out.”

You cleared your throat, stepping forward. “I’m not the mafia,” you began, voice level. “I’ve been calling patterns since the start. Jiho’s death? I warned you all about that pairing. Kyung-jun said nothing. In fact—he agreed with the vote that killed her.”

“She voted against me,” Kyung-jun cut in smoothly, arms crossed. “Why wouldn’t I agree?”

You shot him a look. “You’re smarter than that. You let her die because it benefited you.”

“And you didn’t?” His voice turned low. Dangerous. “Don’t pretend you didn’t let people die, Y/N. We all have blood on our hands.”

The room went still. Someone shifted uncomfortably.

You took a breath. He was trying to pull you down with him—into the mud, into his pace. That sharp-edged charm, the same one that let him whisper his way out of accusations for days.

But you weren’t the kind of girl who melted at a pretty face and a sharper tongue.

…Not entirely.

“I think,” you said calmly, “that Kyung-jun’s been playing the long game. Keeping his hands clean. Letting others do the dirty work. But look closely—he’s never voted first. He waits. He watches. And he always follows the safest vote.”

“Of course I do,” he said with a scoff. “I’m not an idiot. Neither are you. That’s why we’re both still alive.”

He turned his gaze to the others. “If I’m mafia, why would I let it get to a tie? Why not vote her out, keep it clean, and end the game faster?”

“Because you want her around,” Jae-min muttered from the corner. “You’re obsessed with her.”

That drew a few stares.

Kyung-jun didn’t look away from you. If anything, his smile deepened.

“…And if I am,” he murmured, “is that a crime?”

Your breath caught in your throat—but you didn’t let it show.

“You’re trying to distract them,” you said, glaring.

“Maybe.” He took a slow step toward you. “Or maybe I just think it’s interesting. That in this game, the only person who sees through me… is you.”

His words landed too close. Too sharp.

You knew he was dangerous. Manipulative. Possibly evil.

But there was a sliver of truth in there, somewhere, and that was what made him lethal.

Because you did see him. You saw the way he observed everyone, the way he kept one hand on the pulse of the room and the other behind his back, knife ready.

But you also saw the cracks. The microexpressions he thought he hid. The flicker of restraint when someone accused you. The twitch of his jaw when someone voted your name.

Maybe he didn’t want you dead. Not yet.

Maybe that was even worse.

Later: The Holding Room

Since the vote would come down to one final round, you were both sent to wait.

Alone.

Together.

In the storage room next to the AV closet.

Of course there was only one chair. Of course it was dark. And of course, Kyung-jun was already sitting, legs spread like he owned the place.

You stood near the wall, arms crossed.

“Comfortable?” you asked dryly.

“I’d offer you the seat,” he said, “but I’m afraid you’d stab me in the back.”

“Only if you make the first move.”

He chuckled. “That’s what I like about you, Y/N. Always so honest. And yet…”

He leaned forward slightly, dark eyes gleaming.

“…you lie with your mouth shut.”

You didn’t respond.

“You think you’re better than me,” he said, voice quieter now. “Because you still pretend you’re not playing the game.”

“I’m not pretending.”

“Oh?” He tilted his head. “Then what do you call staying quiet when Sunhee begged for someone to save her?”

You flinched.

He saw it.

“I saw your face that night,” he continued. “You wanted her gone. Not because she was mafia. Because she knew too much.”

Your mouth tightened. “She was dangerous.”

“So am I.”

He stood, and suddenly the room felt ten degrees smaller.

“You know what’s funny?” he murmured, walking slowly until he was right in front of you. “I think you want me to be mafia.”

You scoffed. “Why the hell would I want that?”

“Because if I’m evil… then you don’t have to feel guilty about wanting me.”

Your breath stilled.

He was so close now. His voice dropped to a whisper.

“You don’t have to lie,” he said. “Not to me.”

His eyes dropped to your lips.

Then back up.

He didn’t kiss you.

Didn’t touch you.

Just waited.

“…You’re messed up,” you whispered.

He smiled. “Takes one to know one.”

Minutes Later

The AI’s voice called you both back.

Final vote. Time to decide.

As you stepped back into the main room, Kyung-jun leaned in, so only you could hear:

“Whatever happens,” he said, voice silky, “don’t forget who had the chance to kill you… and didn’t.”

You hated how that stayed with you.

Even after the votes. Even after they spared you.

Even when he was dragged away, smiling at you with that unreadable expression—like he knew something you didn’t.

Like he’d planned it.

Like he wanted you to win.

Epilogue

Two nights later, they found another body.

The game wasn’t over.

And neither was Kyung-jun.

You woke up to a note slipped under your door.

"Told you I wasn’t the mafia. You still owe me that seat. – KJ"

Your hands trembled slightly.

Not with fear.

———————————————————————

It’s been seven months. Seven months was how long this thing between the two of you has been going on. Seven months may not seem like a long time, but when you’re busy peeling back the layers to one’s heart it can feel like you've been doing that for a very long time.

Seven months of this pushing and pulling between the two of you. You never give up in trying to pull at his heart strings and get him to open himself fully to you. You take what you get from him. Deciding when this all started to let him create the pace. Knowing fully well what would happen if you pushed him too hard. It was difficult having to walk on eggshells most days, but slowly you learned more about him and ever so slightly you began to see changes in him. The effort was paying off. It was a relationship of slow progression, but after the first month you already knew that you had loved him.

You knew he liked you, it was evident and he practically said so as much. And he knew that you liked him back. It was clear in the way you never gave up on him, even when he would ignore you for days. Coming to your doorstep waiting for the day you rightfully shut him out, but that day never came. It was almost like he acted like that on purpose, giving you an easy way out. But something kept drawing the two of you together, and it continued for those seven months.

But what he didn’t know was that you truly loved him. That you dearly loved the boy and wanted to continue learning about him, helping him to want to change on his own. And going at his own pace, following in his slow declaration of acceptance and feelings was fine at first. But now that the love for him was consuming you, your patience was wearing thin. You knew a confession like that from you was bound to have the two of you taking steps backwards, that it wouldn’t be easy at all. You figured he would shut you out, probably yell and get angry, but you hoped that after some time he would come back to you. Letting you run your fingers through his hair and massage his scalp which he let you do on occasion. 

Which led you to today. You didn’t want to make a big deal out of it, making it even worse for him to accept. You wanted to be casual about it, while also ensuring that today would be a day he was in a good mood. And for Kyung-Jun to be in a good mood took a few factors: he didn’t throw any punches at school, his bullying was at a low for the day, he didn’t have an altercation with Hyun-Ho, he didn’t mention anything bad about his home, and he wasn’t more agitated than usual to you because of those factors. And today was one of those days. Which was proof to you that he was changing, and you knew you were part of that reason. He did too.

He was even feeling touchy today. The two of you were practically cuddling on top of your bed as you watched television. It was one of those rare days he let your hand run through his hair, scratching his scalp. And you knew that he relished in the moment as his usual stiffness and tension began to dwindle, letting himself relax into your touch. 

And then suddenly the words just tumbled out of your mouth. You always have been impatient in nature. When you wanted something, you often forgot to fully and logically think through things. Which would’ve been helpful today, knowing Kyung-Jun similarly ran on his emotions, namely negative ones.

“I don’t just like you, Kyung-Jun, I think I’m falling in love with you.” It just spilled out. One sentence is not nearly enough to convey the overwhelming feelings you had for him, but it would do for now. It’s been seven months after all. 

It was like the T.V. suddenly shut off, or the Earth stopped rotating because you felt his breathing stop and so did yours. You couldn’t feel his breath on your neck anymore from where he was laying, and you even felt his chest against your arm stop rising. And then you added to the growing fire inside him by softly speaking, nearly mumbling,

“…I mean I don’t think. I know that I love you.”

And that was all it took for the dam inside him to break. No extinguisher to take out the flames. 

He suddenly sat up. Eyes still glued on the television, practically burning through it. You expected what was to come…

“You can’t.” He simply stated. Finally turning to look at you, he was breathing heavily now like he was about to burst. And yet, his expression wasn’t necessarily angry, it was a mixture of… fear? Sadness? Defeat? You could’ve sworn his eyes looked a bit glassy.

So maybe you weren’t expecting what was to come. Because you hadn’t expected him to look so… hurt. You wanted to suddenly hold him and tell him he deserved this. He deserved your love and he deserved to love. 

You reach out a hand as you start to sit up and he swipes it away. Well that you did expect.

And as usual he gets up, grabbing his things and heads for the door. But before he leaves the bedroom door frame completely, you desperately reach out to him with your words, trying to ground him.

“You matter. Let me be the one to prove that to you. I-I want you, all of you. The good and the-“ And you suddenly stop. He turns his body slightly around to look at you. Your heart nearly breaks at the new expression of emptiness on his face. Loss of usual furrowed eyebrows, his lips neither turned up nor down, and then his eyes… 

It was almost like he was urging you, pleading with you to finish that sentence. Say that he had “bad” aspects to him and make it easier on both of you to walk away. It was so much more than him being labeled as “bad” because you knew he wasn’t bad inside. He was buried by his insecurities and unresolved traumas, losing himself in the process.

“It’s just good.” You state. “I know you’re just good. It’s deep in here” and you bring up your hand to pat at your heart for emphasis. 

He starts to open and close his mouth, unsure what the right insult or negativity he can use to throw at you to make you see this uphill battle of loving him wasn’t worth it. 

You thought you were mentally prepared for it, an “I hate you” or a “Stay away from me!” but instead he says,

“You disgust me.”

And what made it worse was that lack of anger and aggression. That you can deal with, knowing it could die down. Instead it was the emptiness, the seriousness of it. Like the very thought of someone loving him was disgusting to him. You felt your throat tighten and the tears start to well in your eyes. It wasn’t just because of what he said to you, but rather the fact that this teenage boy just felt so incapable of being loved. 

The front door slams shut. You can still smell his lingering cologne as you lay down and let the tears out.