#kyffindor

but relationships are tricky, trickier than any exam she’s had to take in her time at hogwarts. she’s always been young and naive, believing in the best, believing even when all signs point otherwise. 

she doesn’t remember when things started to break. she only knows that he never looks at her the same anymore and that the girls messaging him on his phone are never ones she knows. still she pretends, lives in the fantasies in her head because this can’t happen to her, to them. they were in love, weren’t they?

things only dirty when loneliness takes the reins, leaving her a victim and a criminal. guilt rots in her bones, infesting all judgement but still she pretends and deceives -- herself, best of all. she loses much more than she realizes in the aftermath but here she still is, caught in delusions admist all the heartbreak.

she meets him again today with her last bits of hope, embers dying but still crackling with the last that she has to give. storms brew in the midst of their winter air but he does little to appease the winds in her heart. she can’t even mutter a word at the blonde hair she sees on his shirt, doesn’t even want to ask about the perfume she smells in his room.

“let’s talk.”

he says and she wonders again for the thousandth time. could happiness ever be found at the end of so many lies?

“joseph please.” 

a final plea, cradling all the broken pieces despite the scars it’s bound to leave. 

but it’s over. they’re over. 

if she had been lonely before, than her feelings are ten times more wretched now. 

she should be angry -- angry for the way he had casted her aside, angry for the way he’d trivialized her affections for him in the face of other girls.

she should be embarrassed -- embarrassed that despite all the times she’d turned a blind eye, things still had to end like this, embarrassed that she still blindly clung to false hope when the truth was screaming right before her eyes.

but instead she is miserable, drowning, sinking in the pit of loneliness that’s pulling her under like quicksand. faced with the truth and reality and now she finally sees just how big the hole in her heart is, much bigger than joseph could have made on his own. 

she calls his number, desperation visible in the shaking of her hands but it’s not her ex’s number that rings. she feels only that much more vile, that much more deplorable for calling him. 

“kyle?”

she tries to hide the waver in her voice, the self hatred shaking in her core. she’s sorry. she’s so sorry but all she has is him.

and even now, she’s not sure if this sentiment is just another delusion of her’s. after all, who in their right mind would come to her after all she’d done to him? he was collateral damage in the face of a broken and toxic relationship.