#kwts

That’s right. You heard it here first!

I’m going to release a series of exclusive KWT collectibles. KWT stands for Killian Whump Things, and I guarantee each and every KWT will be an actual bonafide thing of some kind. Not only that, but they’ll all be non-fungusible, meaning there’s absolutely NO WAY fungus will grow on any of them!

Imagine that! You’ll be the coolest kid on the internet with your spanky new KWT while all those other kids have other things that fungus would love to slowly devour and return to the earth.

I’m going to release 25,728 of these bad boys, and charge $15 million a piece. I’m also going to post them all online here on my blog, so you can right click and save them and do whatever you want with them, because it’s not like I can stop you or anything and it’s a free world. (Fungus will grow on them, though. BEWARE!!!)

There will also be exclusive music for each one of them! ...but only if you’re in my house, listening to the MP3s I’ll be playing as I shitpost about them. Otherwise, you’re on your own and have to provide your own shitty music to accompany your experience.

AND as an added incentive for you to send me obscene amounts of money, each KWT comes with exclusive access to the KWverse. “What?” you’re thinking. “Another useless metaverse spin-off?” NO! This is a real life universe built in a small medieval dungeon filled with extremely handsome men for you to play with to your heart’s content. Like women instead? Sure, I can throw some hot women in there, too! I can do whatever I want, because it’s called the KWverse because I own the fucking place. Oh, and it’s all non-fungusy, too - because nobody wants mold in their play space. I know.

Not only THAT, but for a limited time, if you send me half a pint of blood, I’ll come and have dinner with you. Or at least eat some sort of meal at your place. Or raid your fridge when you’re not home. Look, I’m not sure what’s going to happen, or what I’m going to do with all that blood (haha, I’m lying, I’m gonna summon a few demons), but it’ll be great and you’ll love it. I mean, why would I lie to you? I wouldn’t, that’s why! Trust me! One out of one mes trust me. You should too!

Let’s see... What else, what else... Well, everything else! You like gaming? I’m gonna put gaming in the KWverse. You like super dramatic celebrity court battles? We’re gonna have, like, a thousand of them every week! You like fraudulent insurance scams? I could pull a few. Why not?

I’m also gonna have a concert. I can’t play any instruments worth shit, but that doesn’t matter, because there’s only a .00000003% chance it’ll actually happen, anyway. But it makes it sound like your $15 million is going to a lot of different things instead of just the one single unmoldy KWT you’re actually buying - so its value to me is immense.

So what are you waiting for? Come buy my KWTs!

She’s obviously troubled, jealous, and scared of the future.

DON’T LISTEN TO HER LIES.

Only trust me, and send me $15 million, because I’m the only one who will tell you the truth about the KW revolution happening right under your nose.

Most people just have a mouth under their nose, I know, but YOU have a whole revolution happening under there and if you don’t give me $15 million, someone else WILL and it’ll be really awkward having someone else living in your mouth.

Look, just trust me. I wouldn’t lie to you as I demand money from you.

Look, the important thing is that I have a lot of money now, which means I’m a financial whiz kid and my advice is now worth like, more than money even. It’s priceless, is what it is. And I’m telling you right now, you wanna buy these smoking hot KWTs before they all sell out and you’re the only person in the world who doesn’t have one!!

Nevermind that there’s almost 8 billion people in the world and I’m only selling  25,728 of these things. It’s gonna FEEL like there’s 25,729 people and you’re the only one without a KWT!!!

I just sold another thousand of them while I was typing this message!!

I’m running a once-in-a-lifetime giveaway RIGHT NOW!!

That’s right! The giveaway is happening right now, this very second, as you read these words!! In fact, AS you’re reading these words, you’re pledging your eternal soul and $15 million to the charitable cause known as my digital wallet.

And I use “pledged” and “donated” synonymously, so the cash will be taken immediately out of your bank account and your soul is now mine.

WELCOME TO THE DIGITAL REVOLUTION!!!

 A bit of a personality experiment with these kids.

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