#kristindavis

2022 already feels like the apocalypse but I guess we’re not fully there since only 3/4 horsewomen are present in this Sex And The City reboot.  A true congratulations should be extended to Mannequin4EVER Kim Cattrall for successfully avoiding this mess and the rest of us who decided to watch it should honestly question our sanity. I decided to watch (and somehow kept watching!) because the garbage fires of real life feel not quite as bad whilst hate watching this absolute train wreck. 

I have never been a huge SATC devotee though I watched the first series fairly regularly and absolutely hated the first movie enough to not watch the second. Both the series and films have been exercises in tone-deaf escapism and this reboot is basically that x1000. The biggest cringe factor comes in the form of failed NY governor Cynthia Nixon - both in characterization and WIG. Since she has the only consistent wig in the series, I will be grading each episode on CRINGIA NIXONS. Spoilers ahead, if you give a shit? Let’s discuss!

EPISODE 1

CRINGIA NIXONS: 6/10

I think the biggest issue with this show is how it feels the need to OVEREXPLAIN EVERYTHING. We begin now, but not quite - the pandemic happened but is a distant memory (LOLOL sobbing) so they can get in a bunch of sourdough starter jokes without having to wear masks? They also spend about 20 minutes at least explaining away Kim Cattrall which was truly not necessary but I guess she’s in London now and sayonara why are we still talking about her (ALSO OMG I MISS HER THIS SHOW IS SO BORING WITHOUT SAMANTHA). 

Another thing that is dwelled upon for at least 15 minutes in this episode (and then days and days and days on the internet) is the fact that Miranda had the goddamned audacity to go grey! CHARLOTTE IS SO UPSET YOU GUYS. Cynthia Nixon was always a blonde forced into the world of redheads and now is actually closer to her real hue and seriously - who gives a shit? (CHARLOTTE AND THE INTERNET REALLY GIVE A SHIT). This appears to be Nixon’s actual hair and meh? Her red dye jobs of the past were much worse!

However, the main CRINGEWORTHY part of this episode is Miranda’s trip to college! Girlfriend is going back to school (MAZEL!) but not without offending her African-American professor, the entire class, and all our collective sensibilities! SO AWKWARD.

Also apparently Miranda is an alcoholic now which is only vaguely hinted in this episode when she tries to get a 10am drink pre-class and then later brings purse wine to a child’s piano recital. In comparison to all this CRINGE, her hair honestly looks fine. 

ALSO the only thing this show has successfully done is predicted the #metoo-ing of Chris Noth and rightfully killed Big off. GOOD RIDDANCE and truly I have never cry-laughed so hard as the end of this episode which I guess is the ending of Titanic of our time (like Jack, Big could have lived but whatever!). 

EPISODE 2

CRINGIA NIXONS: 3/10

The first thing Carrie does after FINALLY calling 911 after Big dies is: calling Miranda. Of course, Miranda hightails it over there to comfort her friend and spoon with her on her bed and honestly: it is very nice!!!

Not nice: in this episode; they decided to give Cynthia a.....semi perm? Clearly no one knew what to do with this hair but sorta curling it DOES NOT HELP! Oh and there is a very cringeworthy scene on a subway platform where she tries to bond with the professor she offended and a FIST BUMP HAPPENS AND BARF.

Then we get even more curly for Big’s funeral! WHY DID ANYONE OK THIS HAIR? Anyway, Miranda delivers a very nice eulogy which is later revealed to be written by Carrie but not delivered by her so I guess it was a nice friendship gesture? Also: Miranda definitely tried to get a 10am cocktail AGAIN and I see where this is going....yikes.

VERY YIKES: Miranda goes “Rambo” (UGH I HATE THIS REFERENCE) on Sara Ramirez for giving pot to her teenage son and then pulls a total 180 when she discovers Sara is Carrie’s boss. I ALSO SEE WHERE THIS IS GOING AND NO THANKS.

EPISODE 3

CRINGIA NIXONS: 6/10

Things begin...ok (???) at the reading of Big’s will which involves a SHOCKER that he left money to his first wife Natasha who I definitely forgot existed. However, Cynthia’s hair is looking just fine here and let’s keep it that way?

Eeek I dunno guys....this is not looking promising. Not only is Miranda wearing a leather backpack AND a leather purse but Carrie walked to Columbia IN HEELS just so there could be an awkward joke about how these two are the only 50-somethings on college steps. OLD PEOPLE GO TO COLLEGE. WHAT.

AND THEN!!!! The whole group goes to see Sara Ramirez’s “comedy” set and don’t stay for the afterparty but MIRANDA DOES!!! WHY?!! Well: alcoholism, definitely. But lesbianism, maybe? THIS HAIR AND THIS ENTIRE PLOTLINE IS VERY TROUBLING AND VERY CRINGY!

EPISODE 4

CRINGIA NIXONS: 9/10

AND HERE WE ARE. I don’t know what huge tectonic shift of the universe brought us to this moment but this was the episode where Cynthia Nixon was like FUCK IT I’LL JUST WEAR A WIG AND NO ONE WILL NOTICE. 

NOPE.

Beyond the fact that this wig is TERRIBLE....it looks nothing like the hair she had just one episode before! Gone are the blonde and red highlights! Present is the much fuller bob and complete lack of skin under the hair part.

THIS WIG IS SO OBVIOUS AND BASIC AND TERRIBLE AND CRINGY THAT IT ACTUALLY SERVES AS A PERFECT METAPHOR FOR THIS ENTIRE SHOW!!!!!

This wig goes to restaurants a few times in this episode but the truly most mind-bending and cringy assault on our senses and sensibilities is this scene in which MIRANDA GOES TO DINNER WITH HER PROFESSOR?!?! NEVER EVER EVER WOULD THIS HAPPEN!!!

And they wait 45 minutes because their reservation got messed up and no other restaurants exist!

And! They discuss IVF and if anyone in the world actually wants to be a parent (which is honestly valid but never would Miranda AND HER PROFESSOR have this conversation in actual real life). 

AND! THIS! WIG!

EPISODE 5

CRINGIA NIXONS: 11/10

OMG YOU GUYS THIS EPISODE. I’m going to begin with the least cringy part (which is still very cringy): Miranda owns an Amazon box opening caftan and then later uses the phrase “she Amazoned me” which is a sentence NO ONE SHOULD USE EVER. Also apparently Miranda’s son’s girlfriend SENDS SHIT TO MIRANDA’S HOUSE? WHAT? This show really has no concept of anything but especially not real estate because Carrie owns 2 apartments and just sold her palace with Big and conveniently moved back into her OG apt that was just sitting around being expensive real estate that no one lived in?!?!

Anyway this apartment allows us to suddenly realize that Carrie has a hip issue (YES THIS EPISODE IS CALLED TRAGICALLY HIP AND I WANNA BARF TOO). Carrie’s new real estate agent/BFF gets her a hip consult ASAP and I guess neither heels nor age have anything to do with this physical malady: just a congenital hip issue that didn’t come up til now - let’s rush her to surgery!

5 minutes later in the recovery room, MIRANDA’S WIG LOOKS LIKE THIS and is THRILLED to hear from her new crush, Sara Ramirez, who Carrie doesn’t want to see post op bc DUH THAT’S HER BOSS so Miranda turns it into a HOSPITAL LUNCH DATE?!?! UGH THE CRINGE!

IT GETS SO MUCH WORSE! Back at Carrie’s OG apartment, Carrie just shared a very TMI story on her VERY STUPID PODCAST that involved Samantha and Charlotte is worried that Kim Cattrall will give a shit. This results in a text conversation with Samantha that is the ONLY BEARABLE PART OF THIS ENTIRE SHOW. EVEN KIM CATTRALL IN GHOST TEXT FORM IS BETTER THAN ANYONE ACTUALLY PRESENT.

ANYWAY! Carrie is still not very mobile post-op and her friends are taking turns helping her get to the bathroom and Miranda is currently in charge. Carrie is passed out on muscle relaxers and who is at the door bearing tequila but SARA RAMIREZ!!! Of course they turn this opportunity into a VERY UNBEARABLY CRINGY HOOKUP AND THE WIG ISN’T EVEN THE WORSE PART! The very worst part is that Carrie wakes up mid-hookup needing to pee, calls for help and is FORCED TO PEE INTO A SNAPPLE BOTTLE THAT SOMEHOW STILL SPILLS ON HER BED. Anything in the world that you could possibly imagine to be awful could not possibly compare to what my eyes were subjected to in this 5 minutes of television.

AND THEN! Sara Ramirez leaves and Carrie confronts Miranda AND THIS GODDAMNED DISHEVELED WIG about all the awfulness of the last 5 minutes and MIRANDA JUST STANDS THERE AND SAYS SHE’S SAD! ME TOO FOR HAVING TO WATCH ANY OF THIS HARRUMPH!

EPISODE 6

CRINGIA NIXONS: 9/10

WELP! Miranda has a spring in her step and a cup just FULL of coffee and LIFE IS GREAT BECAUSE OF THAT SARA RAMIREZ HOOKUP! She even sort of admits to herself that maybe she has an issue with drinking! Ok! 

Things are still VERY CRINGY with her friend/professor who is now just her galpal because SURE? Meanwhile Carrie buys ANOTHER apartment which she doesn’t need because she actually already has a dwelling and it is the least Carrie apartment you could ever think of and is maybe all just a computer and/or episode of Black Mirror. She goes with Charlotte to her storage unit WHICH IS LARGER THAN 5 APARTMENTS to furnish the new apartment WITHOUT MOVING ANYTHING OUT OF HER CURRENT OG APARTMENT and NO ONE LOOKS AT ANY LABELS ON ANY BOXES and just sort of randomly open boxes to find hats and lamps and OH GOD NO BIG’S RECORDS. I realize that this is a fantasy world where nothing makes sense but this scene makes so little sense that my brain stopped receiving oxygen.

AND. THEN. The girls have the most fanciful picnic with fake wine that EVERYONE LOVES AND THEN HATES and DEAR GOD HOW IS NO ONE SAYING ANYTHING ABOUT THIS WIG. Instead, Carrie blurts out that Miranda had an affair with Sara Ramirez and it leads to the most hilariously awkward/unbelievable fight between friends that then is definitely not resolved but whatever - fake wine!

By episode’s end, Carrie has sold ANOTHER apartment and returned to her existing apartment and Miranda now lives in her laundry room which is bigger than most apartments anyway and is STILL FANTASIZING ABOUT SARA RAMIREZ AND TEXTS HER. AND! THIS! WIG! LIVES! ANOTHER! DAY!

(ALSO of course Miranda has one of those iphone cases that doubles as a card holder WOULDN’T SHE JUST!)

EPISODE 7

CRINGIA NIXONS: 10/10

As a boy named Christian wisely told Cher Horowitz once, a total Monet is a mess up close. So you squint, this wig doesn’t really look so bad. 

JUST KIDDING IT’S ALWAYS BAD NO MATTER WHAT AT ANY DISTANCE. And though Miranda hasn’t heard from Sara Ramirez in 3 weeks since that steamy laundry room text, THE DISTANCE IS KILLING HER. THIS WIG IS KILLING ME.

In perhaps the cringiest moment since Miranda had sex in Carrie’s kitchen with Sara Ramirez....MIRANDA TRIES TO RECREATE THAT MOMENT WITH STEVE. NO THANK YOU PLEASE. There is also a scene of Miranda and Steve bickering at the Grand Army Plaza farmer’s market that was so cringy I completely blocked it out. 

Carrie seems to have also blocked out the fact that Miranda had sex in her kitchen AND FORCED HER TO PEE IN A SNAPPLE BOTTLE (!!) and doesn’t tell Miranda that Sara Ramirez is going to be at Charlotte’s kids’ school fundraiser or whatever. Also Miranda’s hair looks like a 60s astronaut helmet and NOT IN A GOOD WAY.

She immediately runs over to Sara Ramirez and her wig deflates!! IS THIS FORESHADOWING?!

EPISODE 8

CRINGIA NIXONS: 9/10

The wig always knew. There is trouble in paradise with Miranda and Sara Ramirez and not only because Miranda wore AN OFF SHOULDER SWEATER TO A PRIDE EVENT IN JUNE OR THAT HER WIG IS STILL FAILING AT BEACH WAVES. It’s more because Miranda literally runs away from said pride event because she spots her son and his girlfriend in the crowd (#allies!) and oops btw she’s not in an open marriage and is actually having an affair. SARA RAMIREZ IS NOT HAPPY NOR ARE ANY OF US.

Over at dinner with the girls, Samantha has officially been replaced by Seema and OH GOD I MISS KIM CATTRALL. Also, Miranda’s wig is straight again and somehow shorter?! Also also, she announces that she wants a divorce. Everyone is very MEH about it?

Well ok I guess Carrie is sort of shocked. But that could be a reaction to the wig. 

Anyway, Miranda breezes over in her very bent and not breezy wig to Sara Ramirez’s podcast office and is like CAN WE BE IN LOVE?!?!?! And maybe???

She finally breaks the divorce news to Steve and OH GOD IT IS CRINGY and awkward and sad. But I guess not as sad as this couch? Anyway, he takes it way better than he should have and MIRANDA RUNS AWAY TO CLEVELAND TO SEE SARA RAMIREZ?!?!?!

EPISODE 9

CRINGIA NIXONS: 10/10

Ok so first of all: I honestly don’t care if Miranda is with Sara Ramirez or Steve or whatever because this show and this wig is terrible. BUT WHAT HAPPENED IN CLEVELAND?! WILL WE EVER KNOW OR CARE????? Also: does she not have a drinking problem anymore?! The most important update is that Miranda’s wig now has gel in it and also she is definitely stalking Sara Ramirez.

Miranda show’s up at Sara Ramirez’s apartment and is scared there is someone else in there but no Sara Ramirez is just working and Miranda do you have a job or is it JUST STALKING SARA RAMIREZ? Does she have enough $$ from lawyering once to just full time go to Columbia and have a bad wig and make everyone cringe in literally every interaction she has with them??

Well apparently she DOES have another job and it is setting up a women’s shelter and making all her fancy schmancy friends paint it (LIKE THEY HAVE PAINTING SKILLS!) rather than just writing a check. Fair but OH GOD THE WIG! Also Carrie shows up in overalls AND METALLIC PLATFORM HEELS. I REPEAT: METALLIC PLATFORM HEELS TO PAINT IN. YES SHE GETS PAINT ON THEM AND ALSO LOSES BIG’S WEDDING RING DOWN A SINK AND STEVE HAS TO GET IT. YES STEVE WAS FORCED TO PAINT TOO. WHAT IS THIS SHOW.

In only slightly more cringy news, Charlotte’s fancy school friend (LIKE I REMEMBER HER NAME) shows up in a goddamned SUV limo and calls in taco trucks to feed everyone! And then Charlotte wears an all-white coverall and gets her period in it! ABSOLUTELY NOT, SHOW! NO!!

EPISODE 10

CRINGIA NIXONS: 12/10

We made it to the last episode you guys!!! WE ALL DESERVE 2 KINDS OF CHALLAH BREAD FOR MAKING IT TO THE END. This episode really goes out with a kitchen sink of nonsense: Sara Ramirez reminds us she has a Tony by covering a David Lee Roth cover! Seema gets a dude! Big haunts a lamp AND an Eiffel Tower-themed purse! Charlotte gives herself a THEY-mitzvah wearing castoffs from Pretty in Pink! That podcast dude has an instagram-worthy surprise wedding! Carrie trades one silver fox for another and gets a podcast! The storylines of the jewelry-making neighbor, Steve, and Miranda’s drinking problem are completely ghosted! Mario Cantone tries to single-handedly revive the Borscht belt! Charlotte’s friend wears a SEQUINED TURBAN AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHERE TO BUY IT! And then THERE’S MIRANDA. AND THIS FUCKING WIG.

I don’t know what planet anyone was on when they decided Miranda’s fate but we can all agree that SHE. IS. THE CRINGIEST. Beyond the storyline of her blowing up her marriage to be with Sara Ramirez, she was trying to find herself by going back to grad school but that too is blown up by Sara Ramirez moving to LA to “be the new Roseanne” WHAT. In an outfit and wig cast off by The Hunger Games (I assume -like I’ve seen any of them!) she announces this to Carrie at Rock/Charlotte’s they-mitzvah and everything about that sentence makes me want to drown in a cosmo. I will say that the only character I truly cared about in this entire season was Jet, the trans rabbi. May she get to that wedding in Bushwick SHE HAS A HARD OUT AT 2 AND SO DO I. 

I applaud SJP for whoever does her hair extensions because clearly that is where the entire wig budget went for this season - LOOK AT MIRANDA’S WIG!!!! EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE. AND. THEN.

In the final moments of this episode, Miranda decides to become a completely different person and return to her red roots AND WEAR ALL THE MAKEUP WHILE DRESSED AS A WILDERNESS GIRL. I understand that people/characters/wigs can grow and change but truly WHAT THE FUCK. I guess this wig is an upgrade from the grey one but THIS WIG IS BAD! THIS SHOW IS BAD! EVERYONE GO EAT SOME CHALLAH!

VERDICT: DOESN’T WURQ