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Summary: It should have been a simple question. If he had to choose, would Kretin pick his pillows, or Yolen?
August 6, 2184
Sur’kesh
Yolen kept his eyes focused on the pool water in front of him. The way the water rippled out from him when he kicked his feet in the water.
He was aware of Kretin sitting beside him. Aware that Kretin had started to stan up, then had sat back down again. Aware of the silence between them that stretched on for several minutes.
Another kick. Ripples in the water that were much easier to look at then Kretin’s face.
“Are you feeling any better?” Kretin asked.
Yolen’s hands tightened on the edge of the pool. He still didn’t look up.
“No,” he said, “I’m not.”
What did Kretin honestly expect him to say? I know you just said you aren’t sure whether you love your pillows or me more, but that’s fine, there’s nothing wrong with that.
Knowing Kretin, that’s probably what he wanted to hear.
“I’m sorry,” Kretin said. “I’d pick you over pillows.”
That was the second time that Kretin had said that tonight.
After he’d spent a while talking about how he couldn’t pick. About how if he had to choose between saving his pillow collection, or saving Yolen, he wasn’t sure which one he would save. After saying over and over again how difficult of a decision that choice was.
Kretin saying that he would pick him now felt like it was coming too late.
Yolen sighed, and looked up at Kretin.
“You’re only saying that now because you know I’m upset,” he said. “If you really felt that way, you would have been able to answer the question right away.”
“I don’t want you to be upset,” Kretin said.
“You said you might choose your pillows over me,” Yolen said, “Pillows can be replaced.”
“Kai said that they couldn’t be! She said that if I picked you, I’d only ever be able to have five pillows forever! If I could buy a hundred near pillows afterwards, I’d pick you!”
“That’s choosing pillows over me,” Yolen said.
“Five pillows is hardly any pillows,” Kretin said, “I can’t even build a pillow fort with only five pillows!”
“And that’s more important than me? More important than our relationship?”
“Both are important. I love you and pillows.”
“That’s not an answer.”
Yolen looked back down at the water, kicked his legs to that he would have more ripples to watch.
“I love you,” Kretin said, “I want to be with you, and build pillow forts with you.”
“And I want our relationship to mean more then a collection of pillows,” Yolen said.
“It does,” Kretin said.
“Then why didn’t you say that as soon as I asked the question?” Yolen asked. “Why didn’t you say that when Kai asked you which you’d pick?”
“Because Kai said I wouldn’t be able to replace my pillows.”
“Which means you do think they’re more important,” Yolen said.
“I love both!”
“Kretin…” Yolen said. “Pillows can be important to you. But they shouldn’t be just as important to as our relationship. You should be able to choose.”
“I said I would pick you…” Kretin said.
“I know…” Yolen said, “But it took you a while to say it. Before you said you would pick me, you said that you didn’t know.”
And because of that, he wasn’t sure whether Kretin really meant it, or whether he was just saying it now so that he wouldn’t be upset anymore.
“Kretin… I’d like to be alone right now,” Yolen said. “Can you please go?”
“But… but I have to stay with you until you feel better.”
“This conversation isn’t helping right now,” Yolen said.
“Oh…” Kretin said. “I’m sorry. I want you to feel better.”
“I think being alone right now is what I need to feel better,” Yolen said.
“We can go swimming together again,” Kretin suggested.
“Not right now,” Yolen said.
“Oh…” Kretin said again. “But you like swimming.”
“Kretin… please just go somewhere else,” Yolen said.
“Okay,” Kretin said. “I’ll go…”
From the edge of his vision, Yolen saw Kretin stand up, and he heard him walk away, back in the direction of the hotel.
Yolen continued to stare at the ripples in the water. At his own feet as he moved them back and forth.
Several days ago, when Kretin had come into the room where he was being held prisoner, with an armful of pillows, and dropped all of them into his lap, Yolen had thought it was cute.
The way that Kretin had grinned, excited to share the thing that he loved with him. The way he’d spoken about wanting to make sure that he was comfortable. That had been sweet.
Building pillow forts together. Cuddling inside of them. Shopping for new pillows to add to the collection.
Yolen didn’t care that Kretin was obsessed with pillows. He knew that pillows were important to Kretin. But to say that pillows were equally as important…
There were several things that Yolen loved. Watching Star Voyage. His collection of plushies that he’d handmade himself. Going swimming.
But he wouldn’t pick those things over his boyfriend.
And Kretin might.
Maybe.
He hadn’t been able to decide.
So could he accept dating someone who might not be able to put him above his favorite possessions…?
Yolen wasn’t sure.
He had come to love Kretin over the last few days, but hearing Kretin talk about how he loved him just as much as he loved his pillows hurt. It hurt to think that if all of Kretin’s pillows were in one airlock, and he was in another, that Kretin might hesitate, and not know which he wanted to save.
It wasn’t a decision Yolen felt ready to make right now.
For now, he just stared at the water, alone with his thoughts. The water continued to ripples around his feet. The only sound was the chirping of insects in the jungle.
Until his omni-tool rang.
Yolen checked to see who was calling.
Zaedin Tasik. The name on the screen read.
Of course. His uncle had been trying to call him every day. Sometimes more than once a day.
And Yolen hadn’t answered a single call.
Another ring.
One that he couldn’t bring himself to answer.
What was he supposed to say if he did?
Hi uncle. Sorry I haven’t been answering your calls. I’ve been traveling with the people who killed Narova. And I just started dating one of them. Except he’s not sure if he loves me or pillows more.
No. He couldn’t do that. Not right now.
As his omni-tool rang again, Yolen pushed himself off the edge of the pool, and into the water, immediately diving down to the bottom of the pool.
The water muffled the sound of his omni-tool ringing.
Maybe it would also help him think. About Kretin. About his uncle. About what he should do about both of them.
Kretin trailed after Yolen as they walked down the hallway of the hotel, carrying two bags that were still filled with rainbow pride pillows, even after giving three of them away to members of the Liberator crew, and leaving two of them upstairs in his pillow fort. There was still a lot of the group left to find, and give pillows to. To get each of the group closer to their 80 pillow limit.
"Desnett didn't like his pillow either," Kretin said.
Yolen paused by the door that led outside to the pool, and turned back to look at him.
"I think he was mostly annoyed that you dropped the pillow on top of the game board, while he was trying to play that game with Hailey," he said.
"I moved it!" Kretin said, "To the chair where he said he wanted it, and he was still upset!"
Kretin didn't understand why Desnett had reacted that way. He'd given him a pillow! If anyone had come up to him and dropped a new pillow on the table in front of him, he would have been really excited about that. But Desnett had just gotten annoyed and told him to leave.
"You did still interrupt his game," Yolen said.
"Yeah, to give him a pillow!"
Yolen pushed the door opened and headed outside, walking towards the pool. Kretin followed behind him.
"Getting a new pillow is very exciting," Kretin continued, "But no one is getting excited about it. Lani got upset when I gave her her pillow, and now Desnett got upset too."
"I like the rainbow pillow," Yolen said. "The two we have look nice in the pillow fort."
"But no one else does," Kretin said. "It doesn't make any sense!"
Desnett hadn't told him how many pillows he had already. But Lani had said that she only had three. That she only wanted three. How could anyone be happy with only three pillows? Three pillows wasn't enough to build a pillow fort out of.
"Not everyone wants to have 80 pillows," Yolen said.
"But pillows are great!" Kretin said. "No one else has enough pillows to make a pillow fort out of! I thought Lani liked pillow forts! We built Fort Lani together! She helped us make that pillow fort a few days ago!"
And now she said she didn't want to have a pillow fort in her room. She'd said that she didn't want any more pillows.
"She didn't say that she doesn't like pillow forts," Yolen said, "Just that she doesn't want that many pillows in her room."
"Why wouldn't she want a pillow fort in her room?" Kretin asked.
"Everyone likes to decorate their room differently," Yolen said. "But I think that some of the others will like the pillow you got them."
He set the bag that he was carrying down next to one of the lounge chairs that surrounded the pool, and pulled a deflated pool float out of from it. He walked to the edge of the pool, and sat down with it, his feet in the water.
"Yeah," Kretin said. "Everyone else will be excited. Because pillows are great!"
He couldn't imagine the rest of them not liking the pillows. But he'd also thought that Lani and Desnett would like their pillows. And they hadn't.
Kretin watched Yolen as he blew into the float, and it started to inflate. Then he set his bags of pillows down next to the lounge chair where Yolen had left the bag and the box the float had come in, and moved towards the edge of the pool, looking down at the water.
Lorek had oceans, and lakes, and rivers. But the side of the planet where Kretin had grown up had been cold most of the time. Too cold to go swimming in the ocean, and too cold for anyone to bother having swimming pools.
Which was why Yolen had suggested they buy a float for the pool on their way back from the pillow store.
"Do we have to try swimming?" Kretin asked. "We can just go back upstairs to our pillow fort."
"We could." Yolen looked up at him. "But you should try some new things. And I'd really like to go swimming."
"I don't know how to swim," Kretin said. Something he'd already told Yolen a few times, but told him again now.
"I know," Yolen said, "That's why we got the float. And I can show you want to do. Think of the float as a pillow that can help keep you above the water. It's just filled with air... and not made of cloth..."
"That's not a pillow," Kretin said.
"It's an air pillow," Yolen said, "We can get floats that you can lay on top of too, and those even have a little pillow spot at the top for your head."
"Pillows are soft and made of cloth and aren't filled with air," Kretin said.
"Not a pillow then," Yolen said, "But it will help you float even though you don't know how to swim."
Yolen blew some more air into the float, and then held it out to Kretin.
"Just get in the middle of it, and then hold onto it when you get into the water."
As soon as Kretin took the float from him, Yolen hopped into the pool from where he'd been sitting on the edge.
Kretin stood on the edge of the pool, holding the float, and wishing that he was upstairs in his pillow fort instead.
But Yolen seemed to really want to go swimming together.
He put the float around him, and used the ladder to get into the pool. When he let go of the ladder, he held onto the float instead.
"What do you think?" Yolen asked, swimming over to where Kretin was floating. "The water is really nice."
"The float is working," Kretin said.
Not that he'd thought it wouldn't work. But he was glad that he could just hold onto that and not sink to the bottom of the pool.
"Yes, it is," Yolen said, "Do you like it?"
"It's okay," Kretin said.
It wasn't as fun as building a pillow fort, but it seemed to make Yolen happy.
And maybe soon he would see some of the rest of their group, and he could give them their pillows, and they would actually get excited about them.
The rest of his friends must understand how great getting new pillows was.
