#krabapple core

I very honestly didn’t expect people to clock this that fast, and I’ve had a couple of asks about it. I’m going to give my best attempt at an answer to this, but I haven’t fully had my coffee yet so we will see how it goes.

Please know that I always come from a place of love, of understanding, of wanting community.

Even if I’m “cranky” or “grumpy” or “pissed off” or frankly, old and tired. I have a lot of grace to give and I usually give it very willingly.

Which is, quite honestly, exactly the problem.

I have hit a point where I simply can’t (not don’t want to, can’t) exist in at least the HP fandom as it is anymore.

I spent the vast majority of last year fighting super hard for people who don’t know (it’s fine, they shouldn’t) and getting essentially nothing out of it. Which I was actually fine with. I’m a grown up and I make my choices.

I took several, several steps back as a result and because of some other things. That was also okay. I burned myself out some. Also okay.

But after that terrific anon yesterday, I realized I can’t even do character analysis on my own blog that was qualified at least three to four times to minimize impact and I purposefully did it in as much of a vacuum as I could so as not to affect others.

What are we doing here if you can’t have an opinion on your own blog? This is the fandom now? What is actually happening?

Which here’s the thing: fandom is a community activity. It’s a gift economy. And I realized through my own steps back but mostly how the fandom is running at the moment (and who is running it) that I have no community to give to left.

I also don’t have much left in me to give at the moment, period.

So I’m taking more steps back.

Nearly ALL my fic, in any fandom, is hidden. I didn’t orphan it or delete it. But unless it was a gift to someone, yes, it’s gone for the moment.

I’ve also taken it on the chin in real life the last month or so and I’ve lived like 12 lives in the last 12 days.

My therapist likes to remind me this kind of depression is seasonal but frankly I have a lot of the season left and I do not have the energy to get through it and whatever people want to throw at me both on AO3 (bots or not I can’t tell) and Tumblr. And frankly Discord, which may also see a hiatus (I had already cut way back there).

I may end up restoring all the fic. Or some of it. I might not at all. If anyone was enjoying it, I am sorry. If I restore it down the line it’s likely to be for you.

There’s an older woman I follow on the clock app, and I rarely use that app, but she’s genuinely altering my brain chemistry, in good ways. I am a sensitive person, always have been, always will be. I would post a link to what she has said that’s so resonant with me, but I’ll end with how one of her videos ends: you can’t go into relating to someone else expecting a mirror (of your commitment to community, your commitment to support, your commitment to dialogue, your commitment to agree to disagree, whatever) when what you are going to be met with is a wall instead.